new here..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: washington
Posts: 1
new here..
Hey everyone,
I have been on this site poking around for the past few months but I finally signed up and am ready to share what im going through because, well, I don't know what else to do at this point!
I have been married to my husband for almost 2 years and I found out last april that he is addicted to opiates. I had no idea what to do, how to act, or what was going on. I was completely blindsided by this, I had no clue he was using. So he got shipped across the country to a 30 day treatment center and I was expecting him to come back "cured". And so did he. Well needless to say, he wasn't, and for the next 8 months we went through the same **** over and over again, he went to another treatment center and went though more relapses until finally we made some progress. He got enough clean time together to get himself into an oxford house (sober house/halfway house) at first I struggled with this, because I was lonely and I didn't understand why I had to go through all this, I didn't see how it was fair to me. But I knew it was how it had to be because it was working. He was working his steps, going to meetings, had a sponser...life was really looking up. It looked like we were gonna make it through.
Of course life throws you curve balls, and he relapsed last week after almost 5 months of being clean. And so he could no longed live at the oxford house, so he is staying with me for now. And its like im in that same spot I was last year...im scared, im suspicious, im obsessive...the list goes on. He is re-starting his step work and still attending meetings, he says he is trying to get enough clean time together to get back into an oxford house. We both know its just not working for us to live together right now. We fight all the time because" I look at him funny" or because" he was up in the middle of the night and I think he is using" its horrible. I am not comfortable in my own house and I feel absolutely crazy. Checking his old" places" to see if he stashed stuff, always checking up on him...im going insane! Anyways, he is not looking into finding a place to stay as quickly as I thought he would...so im not sure what to do. He can't stay here much longer but I don't want to bug him too much about it cuz it starts a fight. And here is my other problem..as soon as he leaves (like he did when he moved into the oxford house the first time) I get incredibly lonely and sad, so then I make up reasons why its" ok" for him to stay. But I know in my heart that for us to work right now, he has got to find somewhere else to go.
I went to my first al anon meeting about 5 months ago after my husband left for days and I didn't know what else to do. I enjoyed the meeting and felt better after. And as soon as things with my husband were better I didn't think I needed to go. Why did I need help when he is the one with the problem? Well after his relapse this last time, I went back and have been to a few meetings. Last night I learned something that I keep repeating in my head.."didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it" wow!! What a help that has been just reminding myself of those things. I know these meetings are where I need to be and its still a little uncomfortable, but im gonna keep trying. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know how to take care of my own needs. Im just so lost! I love my husband very much and want more than anything for this to work. I just feel like we are going to keep going round and round for the rest of our lives with no end to the madness. Sigh. Well I feel better now that I shared all that, and thanks for reading..any advice is welcome and appreciated
I have been on this site poking around for the past few months but I finally signed up and am ready to share what im going through because, well, I don't know what else to do at this point!
I have been married to my husband for almost 2 years and I found out last april that he is addicted to opiates. I had no idea what to do, how to act, or what was going on. I was completely blindsided by this, I had no clue he was using. So he got shipped across the country to a 30 day treatment center and I was expecting him to come back "cured". And so did he. Well needless to say, he wasn't, and for the next 8 months we went through the same **** over and over again, he went to another treatment center and went though more relapses until finally we made some progress. He got enough clean time together to get himself into an oxford house (sober house/halfway house) at first I struggled with this, because I was lonely and I didn't understand why I had to go through all this, I didn't see how it was fair to me. But I knew it was how it had to be because it was working. He was working his steps, going to meetings, had a sponser...life was really looking up. It looked like we were gonna make it through.
Of course life throws you curve balls, and he relapsed last week after almost 5 months of being clean. And so he could no longed live at the oxford house, so he is staying with me for now. And its like im in that same spot I was last year...im scared, im suspicious, im obsessive...the list goes on. He is re-starting his step work and still attending meetings, he says he is trying to get enough clean time together to get back into an oxford house. We both know its just not working for us to live together right now. We fight all the time because" I look at him funny" or because" he was up in the middle of the night and I think he is using" its horrible. I am not comfortable in my own house and I feel absolutely crazy. Checking his old" places" to see if he stashed stuff, always checking up on him...im going insane! Anyways, he is not looking into finding a place to stay as quickly as I thought he would...so im not sure what to do. He can't stay here much longer but I don't want to bug him too much about it cuz it starts a fight. And here is my other problem..as soon as he leaves (like he did when he moved into the oxford house the first time) I get incredibly lonely and sad, so then I make up reasons why its" ok" for him to stay. But I know in my heart that for us to work right now, he has got to find somewhere else to go.
I went to my first al anon meeting about 5 months ago after my husband left for days and I didn't know what else to do. I enjoyed the meeting and felt better after. And as soon as things with my husband were better I didn't think I needed to go. Why did I need help when he is the one with the problem? Well after his relapse this last time, I went back and have been to a few meetings. Last night I learned something that I keep repeating in my head.."didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it" wow!! What a help that has been just reminding myself of those things. I know these meetings are where I need to be and its still a little uncomfortable, but im gonna keep trying. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know how to take care of my own needs. Im just so lost! I love my husband very much and want more than anything for this to work. I just feel like we are going to keep going round and round for the rest of our lives with no end to the madness. Sigh. Well I feel better now that I shared all that, and thanks for reading..any advice is welcome and appreciated
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Hi...welcome to SR. This is a great place to be with understanding people.
Your story is not unfamiliar to me and neither are your reactions and feelings. I did a lot of the same things and felt a lot of the same feelings you have described.
It's normal to feel this internal tug of war.
You are right you DIDN'T CAUSE IT...CAN'T CURE IT AND MOST DEFINITELY CAN NOT CONTROL IT. Your husband is the person at the wheel when it comes to his addiction. Of course you're going to "look at him funny". Why wouldn't you? There's a lot you can tell in a persons eyes and face when they are using. Of course you're not going to feel at peace in your own home where things should be safe...there currently is an invader in the house and it's called drug abuse.
Unfortunately, an effect of having an addicted loved one is allowing the addiction rule our lives too. Keep going to meetings and keep coming here. You will learn what it means to detach and let go...two essential components to regaining yourself back.
Just know you are not alone.
There will be more folks coming along to post.
Your story is not unfamiliar to me and neither are your reactions and feelings. I did a lot of the same things and felt a lot of the same feelings you have described.
It's normal to feel this internal tug of war.
You are right you DIDN'T CAUSE IT...CAN'T CURE IT AND MOST DEFINITELY CAN NOT CONTROL IT. Your husband is the person at the wheel when it comes to his addiction. Of course you're going to "look at him funny". Why wouldn't you? There's a lot you can tell in a persons eyes and face when they are using. Of course you're not going to feel at peace in your own home where things should be safe...there currently is an invader in the house and it's called drug abuse.
Unfortunately, an effect of having an addicted loved one is allowing the addiction rule our lives too. Keep going to meetings and keep coming here. You will learn what it means to detach and let go...two essential components to regaining yourself back.
Just know you are not alone.
There will be more folks coming along to post.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((JOM711))) - welcome to SR!!
Your story is familiar to a lot of people here. It's sad, but it's also awesome that we have each other to get through it.
I'm glad you're going to al-anon meetings. It IS common, at first, to question "why do I have to go to meetings when HE/SHE has the problem" but as we get further along, we learn "tools of recovery"...setting boundaries, detaching with love if needed, saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Mostly we learn how to love and trust ourselves again. We learn how to do what is best for us, even when it hurts or angers us. We learn that we deserve a life without the insanity of addiction in it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Your story is familiar to a lot of people here. It's sad, but it's also awesome that we have each other to get through it.
I'm glad you're going to al-anon meetings. It IS common, at first, to question "why do I have to go to meetings when HE/SHE has the problem" but as we get further along, we learn "tools of recovery"...setting boundaries, detaching with love if needed, saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Mostly we learn how to love and trust ourselves again. We learn how to do what is best for us, even when it hurts or angers us. We learn that we deserve a life without the insanity of addiction in it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 37
There must be a script addicts read from. My AD said the same things to me. "You're looking at me funny." Well, yeah, your eyes are glazed over and your mouth is dropping open.
At one point she even told me she had open-mouth syndrome. LOL!
Anyways, your reactions are normal. You should read some of the posts here about co-dependency. You are struggling with what to do because you are dependent on him. You will need to learn to let go of him as he learns to let go of drugs.
That doesn't mean you can't love and support him when he's making the right moves.
If you have trouble getting him to leave, go to your local county courthouse and ask for assistance. You'll have to fill out paperwork and the process may take as much as 90 days, but he can't stay if you don't want him there. The sooner you start this process, the better for you.
If you have any contacts on the local police force, they may be willing to talk to him and persuade him to leave.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
At one point she even told me she had open-mouth syndrome. LOL!
Anyways, your reactions are normal. You should read some of the posts here about co-dependency. You are struggling with what to do because you are dependent on him. You will need to learn to let go of him as he learns to let go of drugs.
That doesn't mean you can't love and support him when he's making the right moves.
If you have trouble getting him to leave, go to your local county courthouse and ask for assistance. You'll have to fill out paperwork and the process may take as much as 90 days, but he can't stay if you don't want him there. The sooner you start this process, the better for you.
If you have any contacts on the local police force, they may be willing to talk to him and persuade him to leave.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. This is a great place where we all learn from each other by sharing our experiences and hope.
I hope that your husband will get back into an Oxford House again soon. It sounds like that was working for him....for a while.
The lonely feeling that you had while he was in the Oxford House is a difficult one. But that's where those meetings (and here on SR) come in. By walking this path with others who understand, we are never alone. When we begin working the program that we wish they would work, things begin to improve for US. And we show them by example how it's done.
Stick around. Share your story and read others. We gain strength and courage by sharing our experiences and you'll find that so many of the behaviors of addicts are very very similar. And many of OUR behaviors are very very similar. By changing ourselves, we change the pattern of events that allow the addict to continue to use IN OUR LIVES. They may continue to use in their own but there's no reason that we have to have a front row seat to watch it happen.
Welcome. We're glad you're here. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
I hope that your husband will get back into an Oxford House again soon. It sounds like that was working for him....for a while.
The lonely feeling that you had while he was in the Oxford House is a difficult one. But that's where those meetings (and here on SR) come in. By walking this path with others who understand, we are never alone. When we begin working the program that we wish they would work, things begin to improve for US. And we show them by example how it's done.
Stick around. Share your story and read others. We gain strength and courage by sharing our experiences and you'll find that so many of the behaviors of addicts are very very similar. And many of OUR behaviors are very very similar. By changing ourselves, we change the pattern of events that allow the addict to continue to use IN OUR LIVES. They may continue to use in their own but there's no reason that we have to have a front row seat to watch it happen.
Welcome. We're glad you're here. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
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