keepinon

Well, seems I've had a full blown relapse.
When I spoke to RAD yesterday, she asked for a two week leave of absence from school to "get counseling set up and work her steps."Told her she could do that nights and weekends(she has Mondays off so the counseling isnt a problem)
Ummm ok..she was in rehab for a month, outpatient for 3 months, worked minimally, then not at all.She has been in school(cosmetology) for all of 3.5 months.
My bullsh*& detector is now screaming ..I am beyond pissed, but tell her I will discuss later.
Talk to my husband.we agree to offer to have her go back to IOP if she is really struggling, but if she doesn't choose that, no sober valley lodge CharlieSheen self styled rehab.
My gut tells me her loser bf doesn't work and she'd like a little vacay..she says she is "exhausted".
Well..guess what honey, I have had TWO surgeries this year and continued to work while in pain, a sling, and at a job I hated!All to pay off YOUR recovery bills.
Called her last nite..wouldn't answer..pissed me off..by the time I got her on the phone I was steaming.Gave her option..NO..she's just going to try to get thru school as fast as she can..GOOD!
I laid guilt trip..said don't call me till you get some gratitude..she went off on how nothing is ever good enough for me..blah,blah,she finally said she wanted to go so she wouldn't hurt my feelings and I hung up.
WOW..what happened to my detachment?Where were my thought out words?Completely lost my sh&*.Feel bad, but still do not want to talk to her for a while..so angry at her manipulations that continue on in her sobriety.
But here I am reverting back to my old tricks so why should I expect any more from her?
I have valid reasons for being pissed.But, I should have just said "This is what addicts do..they try to get out of hard situations, milk people for all they can, don't see WHY she doesn't deserve a vacation after 4 months of real life." and just simply said NO..but I just had to go there..

keepinon

Yup..we are paying for rent and food.My mom is paying for school.When she got sober we said we would pay just like we would have had she not gone off the deep end..I do desperately want to be all done paying so she can be fully in charge of her own life.
If she actually keeps going..she will be done in December.At that point she will be on her own.I will yank funding if it starts falling apart before that.
She realizes she still has old behavior and doesn't understand why she does certain things..hence the request for therapy.
I really believe that she is sober..but I also believe she is in an addictive/abusive relationship and that she still thinks like an addict.."what can I get?"
I am irritated, and really disappointed with my own behavior as well as hers..I'm up to here with addiction and am more into slapping sense into her at this point (never worked before, but still have the fantasy..)
Gonna enjoy the break and try to not play martyr this Mothers Day:rotfxko

coffeedrinker

Time will be your friend, keepin.

Breathe...and wait.

Chino

keep, have you tried removing addiction from the equation? It's the only way I stay balanced with my daughter when I see her trying to make life work her way. I always ask myself how I'd respond to something if she wasn't a recovering addict. Sometimes I pretend she's her brother. It helps me stay detached and seems to remove all the negative emotion from my thoughts. The response remains the same but it changes my reaction.

kirsteym

So sorry to hear this, keep. Change is 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. For them AND for us.

The good news is, you recognize how you hurt yourself. That's progress.

I hope you have a peaceful Mother's day. *hugs*

keepinon

Thanks guys..you know Chino..seperating the behavior from the addiction..it sounds good, but not sure how to do it..I will look into that.
I see her as such an addict because her thinking is still so twisted to me.I went to college and my parents gave me a credit card that was for registration and books only..I was dirt poor, but it never even CROSSED MY MIND to use it for anything else.I can't imagine even thinking of doing that with my daughter..I look at her as having really poor character..I HOPE that's the addiction, not just the core of who she is..either way it's really sad.
But suffering is wishing things were different than they are, and that is self imposed..so on I go keepinon in my recovery, pissed as I am

Kindeyes

keepinon......I'm so sorry that your daughter is pulling shennanigans. It's so hard when they want to cut corners. I think that's what addicts do very well. They cut corners. The take drugs to relieve pain that the rest of us muddle through (cut corner), they want things given to them rather than earned (cut corner), they want to take a "break" when they've been on "break" for the last x number of years (cut corner). etc etc etc ad nauseum.

Perhaps right now your daughter is having those doubting moments......like we do sometimes when we're exercising......"I can't do this" is what our mind is telling us..."it's too hard" and all we really need is someone to say "YES....you CAN do this. I believe you CAN." And that wee bit of encouragement gives us the umph we need to keep going.

I understand your pizzed off-ness. It's so hard not to say something. I agree with coffeedrinker.......time will tell you the answer you need. Don't rush it. Give the situation a little time and space and hopefully the answer will reveal itself. Slogans to employ right now......easy does it......one day at a time.

And pray. (I'll say one too for you and your dear daughter)

gentle hugs
ke

kirsteym

I look at her as having really poor character
i wonder if it's more poor decision making skills? inability to prioritize?
I agree. If I really believed my AD's character was the problem, I don't think I could like her. But she clearly makes poor choices. And she will make better choices when she recognizes that this is what's holding her back. In other words, it's not enough for me to recognize it.

keepinon

Poor decisions is a good way to put it..I love her so much, but do not understand her AT ALL..yes, Kindeyes..nail on the head..corner cutting..since preschool when she would cutely tell the teacher "i'm too tired to finish"eyelash batbat.
I will not work harder on her recovery than her..one of the things I very loudly told her last night.If she doesn't want to take this opportunity she has generously been given I will glady take my money, pay off my debt and go for a Mexican vacation..i already have the hotel picked out!

wicked

Or, they are not really doing it for themselves (learn to support themselves, what it costs for food, paying for that first hoopty and the insurance to drive), they are somehow doing it for you (the parent) and the parent owes them this chance, anyway.

I guess I need to ponder this further too anvilhead. I dont think I am saying this the way I want.

An entitled mindset, and thinking there should be a parade because they are still sober.
Compensation for not effing up their own life anymore.
And, keepinon, I have my own children in mind when talking about recovering kids.
maybe, I should consider myself lucky in that I do not have the money to help them in this way.
They can and do go to school with VA money, grants, scholarships and loans (if necessary). My daughter got her money for her car by working at Taco Bell.
You would think it was a gold cadillac with twenty twos hanging off the bumper!


This might be mutiny (with mothers day on Sunday) but I say, get selfish.
Your money. Alllllll your money. Go to Mexico.
Yup.

Beth

Impurrfect

(((Keep))) - lots of good stuff above me. Just want you to know I've been working on this "recovery thing", and though the addiction part and living life on life's terms is pretty sunk in, my CODIE recovery? Um, still a work in progress...just ask ((Tess)) She's hear of several of my "why didn't I just shut up?" occasions.

I don't remember how young your daughter was when she started using, but remember...she's about that same age, mentally, no matter what her chronological age is. She's still young, and sounds like my niece, Brit, take away the addiction...she thinks she's grown but doesn't have a CLUE as to what "being grown" means. Has never paid a bill, no car, no job, no high school diploma, but will tell you, in a heartbeat, how "Hard" her life is. Actually, Brit IS working toward the addiction part...sigh.

I don't think they're going to get it until they actually have to make it on their own...hungry? no money for the cell phone? Rent? Job seems like a good start.

I had the advantage of having been on my own for 25 years. Your daughter's only time "on her own" was while using, I think, and that's a whole other world.

Give yourself a break, and keep an eye on that hotel in Mexico You're human, sweetie...we all are and sometimes we just "blow".

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

keepinon

ok..so this whole triggered thing actually started when she was home last weekend..the gross married (seperated supposedly)controlling, tatted on the face 30 year old bf...the roommate (37) being stalked by her exbf, threatening to break down their door, yet neither of them called the police (he's on PAROLE ..the roomies ex btw)..the cumulative effects of being around her while watching the shi# decision making skills of her and those she is attracted to..
so here's my question..when I am around people who are making bad choices or basically around things that are illegal or immoral or not within my framework of what I find acceptable (i am uber liberal btw..not talking about gays or unmarried sex..more like face tatoos and women who live off the kindness of their boyfriends) I get a horrible,sick feeling like "get out of here" and want to run.Trouble is my daughter and all her crew make me feel that way.Am I a snob? Is she just missing that gene that says..this is a bad thing?She feels like I'm being judgey..I feel like i need a shower..
These people are all working programs yet seem to be the bottom of the NA barrel..that's what she likes..what the hell IS that?

EJG123

For my AD, being around normal people makes her feel judged, uncomfortable, and alienated. Her self-esteem is poor. She says she prefers to be around people who don't look down on her. So she hangs around with outcasts, druggies, and criminals. She sees some good in these people.

Kindeyes

Oh boy.....I have a problem with the "am I judging" thing too. But here's my take on it. I have chosen a lifestyle. It's what makes me comfortable. I don't hang out with people who have a lifestyle that is very different from mine. Not because I don't like them or I'm judging them but because their chosen lifestyle is so different from mine that it makes me uncomfortable. I have the right to choose who I want to be around. And so do you.

"Avoid loud and aggressive people....they are vexations to the spirit"

I love that line from the Desiderata. I want to avoid people who are vexations to my spirit because I have a responsibility to protect that spirit. And if my lifestyle makes someone else uncomfortable, I would encourage them not to hang around me. I don't want to be a vexation to their spirit either.

You can't choose for your daughter.....but you have the right to choose for yourself.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

That's a keeper.

Chino

About 15 minutes ago I told a friend "she was outside my skill set."

I love my daughter too, she is so precious to me, and I can relate to her (obviously lol) on several levels. But her personality is polar opposite from mine. She's an introvert, I'm extrovert, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've learned to accept her as is and she's learning to do the same for me, too. I'm not exactly what she wanted and needed, either, and that's putting it mildly. I'm a better mom to her than I was a parent.

kirsteym

^^This. It's been exactly my experience with my AD. "Good" people scare her.

mooselips

((keepinon)))
Hate to be harsh here, but back to the beginning of your thread...it sure doesn't sound like she wants to go t cosmotology school. Perhaps she is just sporadically attending, because it keeps her in money by making you think she is heading in the right direction...being financially independent.

What I see, is you are doing alot of the same things Mr. Moose and I did, by handing out money. Even though it's not cash.

It took me a LONG time to realize that we were actually enabling our sons by paying their rent, and buying food.

I say...off to Mexico.

Hugs from one mom to another......