when a tornado meets a volcano

Old 05-04-2011, 09:50 PM
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when a tornado meets a volcano

never thought i would come on this forum and have two categories i could post in with some knowledge. New to this sight but here goes....
i am bipolar I and have fought it most of my life (37) i have been unmedicated more of my life than i was. (stable now...welbutrin & lamictal a tolerable coctail) my husband of almost 11 years is a full blown black-out alcoholic.

forgive me for the long story but i gotta get this out

i met him when i was 13 and he was the "bad boy" he was 16 and he drank and smoked pot and played guitar and drove a camaro. needledd to say in 1986 i was totally in love. move forward to 16...we actually started dating, i thought my life was complete....move to 18 after watching him with multiple girls, he spent the night of my 18th birthday with me. he left the next day with the promise of a phone call and i didnt see or hear from him for the next 6 years...move to 24...run back into him and was married and 5 months pregnant. AUKWARD...MOVE TO 27... i was the "other" woman and he was the "other" man. they overlapped by 2 1/2 YEARS. left first husband and moved in with current husband with only one night alone between the two.

little did i know that when i left husband one i was pregnant with #2's baby. i asked him if he wanted it and he said no so i chose (hangs head) an abortion...

a few weeks later i was thrilled because i got what i always wanted...#2 for my very own...all mine...still in a band...still driving a camaro...still has long black hair...yay me!

over the next 2 years i had 3 miscarriages. told congratulations you are pregnant...your due date is...when i had the 1st miscarriage he was out celebrating his friends birthday and was too drunk to come get me, would i be alright? could i drive my self home? he asked...i did

2002 our daughter was born. the preceeding pregnancy was absolutely horrible. he drank and drank and told me when i would ask for something "get over it you asked for this" they he started doing coke. coke led to crack with his older brother and our family began to spiral the drain. i dealt and let him not work while i managed a large furniture store. a guy caught my eye and he then proceeded to lure me away. i was so frustrated with my current situation i split. looking back now i was also in a manic phase. i left my kids, spent all my money, and took my stuff and left...i LOVE MY KIDS please dont judge...

i went home. life was horrible he was violent and controlling and demanding but i took it to get my kids back. my daughters have seen my husband punch me in the face. i was caught in the abusive wives cycle.

2010. decided i really just may need meds for the whole bipolar thing. found a new psychotherapist who is wonderful. the longer i was on the meds the clearer my head became. while he continues to get so drunk he would black out and call me wverything but a white woman. and the next day i would always get..."you cant be mad at me for that, i dont remember last night" always the same thing...

this past saturday night...it was my daughters 15th birthday. my husband's son (that we havent seen in about a year and a half) called and asked me to come get him...he is 17..when i got there he was 10 shades of messed up. he finally told me he had taken 12 robotussin cold pills...then our dog got run over and killed, then my husband got sloppy drunk and started yelling at me then started in on his son...his son proceeded to attack his father within 5 feet of my youngest daughter. that was the last straw...

sunday morning when i got home i proceeded to tell him everything i have ever wanted to say to him, all the rage and pent up frustration...so much resentment. he hasnt worked in 3 years, i work 50 hours a week. i cant even come home a get a clean glass from the cupboard or a clean towel to shower.

i told him to leave. didnt care where he went he just had to get out of my house. he found out quickly that he has ailenated everyone to the point that his own mom wont take him in..he asked me if i wouldnt divorce him long enough to use my health insurance and get healthy and clean.

i put him in one of the best rehabs in out state.

do you think he will get clean for the right reasons or do you think he has become so co-depent of me that he will do anything to not loose his life?

we are all he has...no money, no job, no friends....

all opinions welcome
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Old 05-04-2011, 10:23 PM
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Wow, honey you have been through the ringer.

Nobody can tell you what the outcome of your husband's rehab will be-the only thing you can control is you. Have you considered going to al-anon?
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Old 05-05-2011, 03:47 AM
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How long is he expected to stay at this rehab? The longer the stay, the better his chances for recovery. Experts say that 90 days is minimum requirement for effectiveness and 6 months to a year is better. Rehab is not magic, that's for sure. If he comes out and is seriously working his program (going to AA meetings, calling his sponsor, doing step work etc.) you will know he has a fighting chance. If he comes out of rehab and reclaims his spot on the couch, then his actions tell you he's not done.

If you can, get to Al-Anon.

Read Co-Dependent No More (Beatty) and Why Does He Do That? (Bancroft) as soon as possible.
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Old 05-05-2011, 04:37 AM
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Do what you need to do for you and your children. Go to Alanon. Leave the H in treatment for as long as possible. Leave his treatment to him. Focus on your own recovery. When he gets out watch his actions. Is he responsible; going to meetings, giving up "using friends", not going to "using" places, getting a job ? One thing that helped me was the book Codependent No More. I saw I was as addicted to him as he was to booze.
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Old 05-05-2011, 04:59 AM
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thanks y'all

unfortunately with working as much as i do i cant attend al-anon meetings but i often spend time online with them. i really do appreciate the input guys. H will be a rehab as long as my insurance will allow. we are HOPING for at least 90 days. but i never thought of the one thing...if he comes home and reclaims his spot on the couch....again thanks
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Old 05-05-2011, 06:54 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You will find support and information here. We understand addiction and how it affects the whole family. You are not alone.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I recommend you start with the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of the forum. They contain some of our stories, what we have experienced, and tons of wisdom.

Your AH (alcoholic husband) is in rehab. Good. That gives you time to focus on your needs and your children's needs. You and your children have had front row seats to the alcoholic drama for many years. I remember those years. Trying to maintain calm and order in the midst of chaos that could escalate at anytime (without warning or cause). I was constantly walking on eggshells trying to anticipate the next alcoholic rage/blackout/mess/financial disaster. Unfortunately, my children also were following my example........

Your AH's rehab visit may be productive, or it may not. Rehab is not a magical cure. The treatment center will likely focus on his alcohol dependence. But will they address his anger and violence?

you posted this statement:
i went home. life was horrible he was violent and controlling and demanding but i took it to get my kids back. my daughters have seen my husband punch me in the face. i was caught in the abusive wives cycle.

Unfortunately, sobriety does not cure violence, angry outburst's, lying, cheating, laziness, irresponsibility, disrespectfullness, lack of parental skills, or emotional unavailability.

Sobriety without committed lifelong recovery actions just results in a sober angry, manipulating A**hole.

I know, I am Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also the recovering ex-spouse of an alcoholic.
My A got sober after we divorced. I thought he was cured. He wasn't.

I am thankful for my recovery tools. I am to continue to take care of myself and my children. I wish you the same!

I recommend reading "Codependent No More", and "Under the Influence" to help you understand some of what happens due to alcoholism, and what happens to the family that tries to control/fix the alcoholic.
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Old 05-05-2011, 10:36 AM
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wow... I'm so sorry for all you've been dealing with. My xh used to call events like that 'raining anvils'. He was bipolar, but didn't accept the diagnosis, so I'm at least a little familiar with what you're starting with...
You've bought yourself a little breathing room; you need help now. One thing at a time...
- you're on the forums here, and getting to AlAnon IRL will help more. I take an hour 'lunch' once a week, and eat at my desk to make up the time another day. Can you find a close-by meeting?
- Your son and daughters could use AlAteen... don't force them, but offer to take them. If they could go even 5 or 6 times, it may help their own recovery.
- What Pelican said is so true... this man's abusive qualities are going to stay, whether he's sober or not. 90 days is not enough to change those tendencies.
- can you divorce or move? do you want to? If you can, figure out a plan. If you don't want to, figure out a plan. Decide what's right for you and your kids, and start enforcing your boundaries... on yourself. (For me, it was as simple as saying 'I won't live with an active alcoholic'. It took me a year to come to that place.)
- ask your psychiatrist for a referral to a family therapist.

- Sylvie

we can't judge; we've been where you are.
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Old 05-05-2011, 11:09 AM
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You ask, "do you think he will get clean for the right reasons or do you think he has become so co-depent of me that he will do anything to not loose his life?"

With all you have suffered in this relationship, maybe try this to sort things out- taking him out of the equation, what do you want for you? Taking things as they are, not as we wish or hope them to be, what do you want your life to be like in the day to day, for the next 5, 10, 20 years. I figure we're in charge of our lives and ourselves- we get that assignment when we're born, and have it forever. Just as an exercise to sort it out, put aside everyone else, and maybe write down on paper (I did this, still do) think about what you want your life to be like, the things you want to do after work, on days off, how your home feels when you come home, what you want for work and working in the years to come, how you want to spend the time with your kids or friends, all of the little details (that are really not so little). For me, it affirms life and who I am and it gets easier to sort stuff out for myself if I take everyone out of the equation. Then think about how you get the life you want in your heart. My abusive ex was a tornado, too. (Great analogy!) He destroyed; he didn't build. And no one thrived around him, we all were just in survival mode, on eggshells waiting for the next storm.
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Old 05-05-2011, 11:16 AM
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Please focus on yourself. When my H started his recovery I was only worried about him and I ended up hurt more. Please focus on yourself
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Old 05-05-2011, 08:39 PM
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Thumbs up

Originally Posted by blueblooms14 View Post
You ask, "do you think he will get clean for the right reasons or do you think he has become so co-depent of me that he will do anything to not loose his life?"

With all you have suffered in this relationship, maybe try this to sort things out- taking him out of the equation, what do you want for you? Taking things as they are, not as we wish or hope them to be, what do you want your life to be like in the day to day, for the next 5, 10, 20 years. I figure we're in charge of our lives and ourselves- we get that assignment when we're born, and have it forever. Just as an exercise to sort it out, put aside everyone else, and maybe write down on paper (I did this, still do) think about what you want your life to be like, the things you want to do after work, on days off, how your home feels when you come home, what you want for work and working in the years to come, how you want to spend the time with your kids or friends, all of the little details (that are really not so little). For me, it affirms life and who I am and it gets easier to sort stuff out for myself if I take everyone out of the equation. Then think about how you get the life you want in your heart. My abusive ex was a tornado, too. (Great analogy!) He destroyed; he didn't build. And no one thrived around him, we all were just in survival mode, on eggshells waiting for the next storm.



you know blue, that is what i have been doing today. my girls are happier and more content to just be able to "be" without fear. i found a new confidence today that i have never known before. i feel strong and proud for finally putting an end to this cycle. i feel like i took my first breath of air and ironically the day i dropped him off i came home immediately and scrubbed the corner of his cave. spilt drinks, liquor bottles, ashes...the finish eaten off my tables by whiskey. i felt wonderful when i came home tonight. my house was clean my kids were happy and i didnt have to worry about the war that often broke out at night.

maybe i'll...no i KNOW i'll be alright
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Old 05-05-2011, 08:43 PM
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Pelican...thanks for just breaking it down real...i have been thinking about what you said about the things sobriety will not cure. i concur...definately opened my eyes to a few things...thanks
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