so sad..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: caledonia.ont
Posts: 11
so sad..
hi..im new to this and not really sure how to explain it all...2 days ago i kicked my boyfriend out...we were together for 5 yrs...and i miss him so much...he is an alcoholic..
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Welcome to SR melloe!
I am sorry you are going through this.. but here, we get you.
I think breaking up with an ex who was (is) an alcoholic was the most painful thing I have lived.
But there is much hope for the future... the first days/weeks were the most difficult.
That was 2+ years ago.
Today the ex boyfriend drinks the same or more. So even when it was hard, now I know I did the best thing for ME.
My life is peaceful and way healthier. Also I know now who my real friends are, who I can really trust.
Remember the 3Cs
You can't cure him
You can't control him
You didn't cause his problem
I am glad you found this site.
Take care, let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I can only second what TakingCharge said. I was with my exabf 3.5 yrs, off and on. He is still drinking. I had to move on because I got put through too many traumatic situations from the alcohol, including him putting a gun in his mouth on the phone wiht me and threatening suicide.
It is hard. I feel very sad some days-others I am better. I go to al-anon and that helps.
Welcome to SR melloe!
I am sorry you are going through this.. but here, we get you.
I think breaking up with an ex who was (is) an alcoholic was the most painful thing I have lived.
But there is much hope for the future... the first days/weeks were the most difficult.
That was 2+ years ago.
Today the ex boyfriend drinks the same or more. So even when it was hard, now I know I did the best thing for ME.
My life is peaceful and way healthier. Also I know now who my real friends are, who I can really trust.
Remember the 3Cs
You can't cure him
You can't control him
You didn't cause his problem
I am glad you found this site.
Take care, let us know how you are doing.
It is hard. I feel very sad some days-others I am better. I go to al-anon and that helps.
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
Welcome to SR melloe!
I am sorry you are going through this.. but here, we get you.
I think breaking up with an ex who was (is) an alcoholic was the most painful thing I have lived.
But there is much hope for the future... the first days/weeks were the most difficult.
That was 2+ years ago.
Today the ex boyfriend drinks the same or more. So even when it was hard, now I know I did the best thing for ME.
My life is peaceful and way healthier. Also I know now who my real friends are, who I can really trust.
Remember the 3Cs
You can't cure him
You can't control him
You didn't cause his problem
I am glad you found this site.
Take care, let us know how you are doing.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Yes in AA I was able to realized how much harm they had to inflict to themselves and others to hit bottom. The stories were heartbreaking and I realized "the loss of a girlfriend" was not going to be the reason he would seek change. And I was NOT going to let Alcohol, nor him, own me and my life anymore... oh, but was it hard..... today I get my moments again, missing the old him, but I know today he is a totally different person and there's nothing I can do. But be grateful for the good times...
I never got to Alanon but there was an AA next to where I lived. I went and shared why I went, and they welcomed me. Their input was priceless. I also got validation about my side of the story, with many recovered alcoholics talking about the hell that it was for anyone who were close with them when they were deep in their addiction.
Check out the Sticky section on top of the page, especially "Classic reading"
AA, SR and therapy have helped me see things in a different way and realize it takes a great deal of courage and strength to do what you just did... to choose yourself, give yourself a chance to live differently, even if it will hurt at first...
I never got to Alanon but there was an AA next to where I lived. I went and shared why I went, and they welcomed me. Their input was priceless. I also got validation about my side of the story, with many recovered alcoholics talking about the hell that it was for anyone who were close with them when they were deep in their addiction.
Check out the Sticky section on top of the page, especially "Classic reading"
AA, SR and therapy have helped me see things in a different way and realize it takes a great deal of courage and strength to do what you just did... to choose yourself, give yourself a chance to live differently, even if it will hurt at first...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Welcome to SR. Sorry for the pain you feel right now. I was there. When I left my rabf, I felt physically ill for a long time.
I read here, and finally posted, and saw a great therapist, and went to Al-Anon, and focussed on myself, and spent lots of time healing and thinking and writing in my journal.
My rabf got serious about sobriety, on his own, and now that he is sober for almost 15 months, we are starting again, very slowly.
You never know what will happen, and I still don't know what the future holds, but I now know that I will be fine no matter what happens.
Stick around, you did the right thing, and you are gonna feel better, you will.
Hugs
I read here, and finally posted, and saw a great therapist, and went to Al-Anon, and focussed on myself, and spent lots of time healing and thinking and writing in my journal.
My rabf got serious about sobriety, on his own, and now that he is sober for almost 15 months, we are starting again, very slowly.
You never know what will happen, and I still don't know what the future holds, but I now know that I will be fine no matter what happens.
Stick around, you did the right thing, and you are gonna feel better, you will.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by melloe
hi..im new to this and not really sure how to explain it all...2 days ago i kicked my boyfriend out...we were together for 5 yrs...and i miss him so much...he is an alcoholic..
The comfort of this place and al anon is knowing that people "get it" like no one else does...
Sending you warmth...
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I know it feels like he doesn't care...I've thought many times, how can my exabf have told me so many times that he loves me, yet leave me so he can DRINK? On top of everything else, he rushed back to this pothead ex who he kept as a backup throughout our relationship.
I know it doesn't make sense. You can make yourself crazy trying to figure it out.
We just don't understand addiction. It's like slavery. Alcohol has a death grip on him, so that comes first. I know how much pain you're in - even tho I tell myself I am better off without him, and I know it's true, it is the worst heartbreak i've ever felt. Because not only did the drinking destroy our relationship, it is destroying him.
Your ex probably cares as much as he is able to, but unlke those of us who actually FACE and tolerate our pain, he is numbing it with drink.
I wish there was something I could say to take the pain away, because I know how horrible it is. You just gotta try to get through it as best you can and take care of yourself.
I know it doesn't make sense. You can make yourself crazy trying to figure it out.
We just don't understand addiction. It's like slavery. Alcohol has a death grip on him, so that comes first. I know how much pain you're in - even tho I tell myself I am better off without him, and I know it's true, it is the worst heartbreak i've ever felt. Because not only did the drinking destroy our relationship, it is destroying him.
Your ex probably cares as much as he is able to, but unlke those of us who actually FACE and tolerate our pain, he is numbing it with drink.
I wish there was something I could say to take the pain away, because I know how horrible it is. You just gotta try to get through it as best you can and take care of yourself.
Originally Posted by melloe
i just feel sick...im so upset because here i am suffering and i really dont think he cares...btw...thanks for the warm welcome...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Sorry you are in pain right now about this. It is baffling to me how they perceive love (giving and receiving) but at the core of alcoholism is not loving themselves. So how can they love others as we want to be loved? I think they try. But in the end the booze is the first love.
I can't fathom it because I would never throw my life or relationships away. They mean too much to me. For the alcoholic though, even if it has meaning, they are so numbed from how it affects others.
I read the alcoholism forum sometimes and I am struck by the lack of reflection on how it affected others. Which is wonderful but meanwhile there is a trail of pain and destruction they have left. I am not saying they are not aware of it, but even my RABF will say things which tell me he has some level of denial about how his drinking affected others.
Meanwhile you are hurt and sad. Who knows how it will affect him. Won't matter because he will just block out any pain by drinking
Try not to dwell too much on what it all means now, take care of yourself.
I can't fathom it because I would never throw my life or relationships away. They mean too much to me. For the alcoholic though, even if it has meaning, they are so numbed from how it affects others.
I read the alcoholism forum sometimes and I am struck by the lack of reflection on how it affected others. Which is wonderful but meanwhile there is a trail of pain and destruction they have left. I am not saying they are not aware of it, but even my RABF will say things which tell me he has some level of denial about how his drinking affected others.
Meanwhile you are hurt and sad. Who knows how it will affect him. Won't matter because he will just block out any pain by drinking
Try not to dwell too much on what it all means now, take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Melloe... welcome.
Just wanted to add that addicts have a hard time being caring people. It is hard not to take the lack of caring personally, but it is not about you. Highly recommend alanon and reading as much on alcoholism and living with an A.
Just wanted to add that addicts have a hard time being caring people. It is hard not to take the lack of caring personally, but it is not about you. Highly recommend alanon and reading as much on alcoholism and living with an A.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
My recommendation, sit still for a while.
Breathe and don't overthink. You will know what to do when the time comes. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do.
Think of yourself, treat your self with kindness, step back from the situation and things become much much clearer.
Breathe and don't overthink. You will know what to do when the time comes. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do.
Think of yourself, treat your self with kindness, step back from the situation and things become much much clearer.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Welcome!
Good for you for kicking him out. I can't really say what he is thinking of what to advise, only give you my experience.
After I kicked my ex out, I thought about him constantly and obsessed. After he did a lot of begging along with 6 months of him doing lots of meetings (90 in 90) getting a counselor and a sponsor, 3 days after I let him back in he turned around and dumped me.
After that, I maintained no contact to this very day.
I obsessed about whether or not he was hurting as much as me. It was all I could think about. I wanted him to care, to be the one hurting more and get what he did. I never used to allow myself to even admit I felt ill toward another human - and I couldn't refrain myself any longer. I hated him with every fiber of my being and was unconsolably miserable - crying for hours on end for what seemed like an eternity. I hurt so much I got pains in my chest and understood how people die of broken hearts.
Today, I now understand that as much as I was obsessing about him and pretty much suffering withdrawal being able to control him, he was obsessing the same way about drinking and even though going to meetings was still very sick. Obsessing that much about drinking left no room for thoughts of me.
I was as sick as he was. While some can get healthy together, both XABF and I could only get healthy apart. I recently found out from an accidental and serendipitous call from his mom that he is healthy today because of losing me in the same way that being dumped by him was the catalyst to forcing me to make a choice - me or him.
I chose me.
Fast forward 4 years of no contact and after a lot of hard work on me I am happy he is doing well and happy he let me go so I could find someone who would not be so careless with my heart.
I know it hurts and you're in shock and it reminds me of my own experience. What I know now that I didn't back then is that as hurt, lost and unloved as I felt, I now feel as much love, joy and peace in my life today.
There's a song I love that helped me through the tough times and the lyrics are wonderful:
"We'll make it fine, if the weather holds
But if the weather holds, we'll have missed the point.
That's where I need to go."
(((hugs)))
Good for you for kicking him out. I can't really say what he is thinking of what to advise, only give you my experience.
After I kicked my ex out, I thought about him constantly and obsessed. After he did a lot of begging along with 6 months of him doing lots of meetings (90 in 90) getting a counselor and a sponsor, 3 days after I let him back in he turned around and dumped me.
After that, I maintained no contact to this very day.
I obsessed about whether or not he was hurting as much as me. It was all I could think about. I wanted him to care, to be the one hurting more and get what he did. I never used to allow myself to even admit I felt ill toward another human - and I couldn't refrain myself any longer. I hated him with every fiber of my being and was unconsolably miserable - crying for hours on end for what seemed like an eternity. I hurt so much I got pains in my chest and understood how people die of broken hearts.
Today, I now understand that as much as I was obsessing about him and pretty much suffering withdrawal being able to control him, he was obsessing the same way about drinking and even though going to meetings was still very sick. Obsessing that much about drinking left no room for thoughts of me.
I was as sick as he was. While some can get healthy together, both XABF and I could only get healthy apart. I recently found out from an accidental and serendipitous call from his mom that he is healthy today because of losing me in the same way that being dumped by him was the catalyst to forcing me to make a choice - me or him.
I chose me.
Fast forward 4 years of no contact and after a lot of hard work on me I am happy he is doing well and happy he let me go so I could find someone who would not be so careless with my heart.
I know it hurts and you're in shock and it reminds me of my own experience. What I know now that I didn't back then is that as hurt, lost and unloved as I felt, I now feel as much love, joy and peace in my life today.
There's a song I love that helped me through the tough times and the lyrics are wonderful:
"We'll make it fine, if the weather holds
But if the weather holds, we'll have missed the point.
That's where I need to go."
(((hugs)))
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by melloe
i just feel sick...im so upset because here i am suffering and i really dont think he cares...
Also because we work together and he was right there laughing next to me and speaking about his new conquest and BRINGING HER to our office. Welcome.. to the Twilight Zone...
Then someone here told me "precisely because he is unable to feel empathy is why you need to stay away"
And reading Melody Beatty's books helped me a lot, she also has "The Grief club" which is full of wisdom and compassion. There is a chapter dedicated to loss of someone with an alcohol problem. She says "in addiction, we either pay now, or pay later".
So he can get numb drinking, ok. Sure. Fine. Means nothing about you. He will pay later. She says its not anger or ill wishing. Its just the truth and natural consequences. And - it does not mean he has moved on (at least not in my book). A drunken smile does NOT mean happiness (at least not in my book). The truth is that you don't know what he may be feeling or thinking. You will never know. But you can go crazy obsessing about it and thinking thoughts that harm you. The good news is that you CAN change that...
Regardless of his life you matter, and unlike him you are starting a journey where actual happiness can be felt, which is peace with the past, contentment, self knowledge, forgiveness. I am far away from cagefree but right now, ahhh I like myself much more, I have my own plans, doing my own thing, and feeling like ME again is priceless. Now I see, just as they don't love themselves when drinking, I did not love myself either. Now that I am starting to do it my life is again mine and I won't give anyone else my joy again... you'll get through this..... one step at a time....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
Melloe - I'm right there with you... we've been together 5 years, and I moved out 2 weeks ago. I've been sad; tonight I was angry! Then he called and invited me out to lunch, so now I'm.... what? I dunno. And I'm learning, slowly, to be okay with that response. I accepted the invitation in the light and friendly way it was offered. Now, I go to bed. Let go and let God. See what happens next.
I have a suggestion: call the AlAnon line and see if there's someone in or near your small town who can give you a ride to the nearest, next meeting. (My ABF is a Big Deal in this small town. I started to go to meetings 2 towns over, but I got the same wry knowing smile there... so now I just bike to the one here.)
Keep posting, we're right there with you!
- Sylvie
I have a suggestion: call the AlAnon line and see if there's someone in or near your small town who can give you a ride to the nearest, next meeting. (My ABF is a Big Deal in this small town. I started to go to meetings 2 towns over, but I got the same wry knowing smile there... so now I just bike to the one here.)
Keep posting, we're right there with you!
- Sylvie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: caledonia.ont
Posts: 11
well i went to work today and cried more than worked..i keep thinking of things to say to him..but its all the things i said before..i dunno...my sister is my voice of reason so she keeps me grounded...i dont want to work,or be home,or do anything and it sucks...bleh
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by melloe
i just feel sick...im so upset because here i am suffering and i really dont think he cares...btw...thanks for the warm welcome...
i have no advice for how to make that hurt less-- there's lots of things to know intellectually but when you are hurting and feeling that hurt, the intellectual stuff doesn't help right away-- (again, maybe that's just me!)
i just kind of had/have to go through it and hurt and then it lessens... is there anyone you can talk to face to face too?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: caledonia.ont
Posts: 11
i talk to my sister on the phone alot...he just emailed me and said...we were not good together i wish things were different and i have to fix my drinking...ugh..now he has too??if he fixes himself now i will just crumble...and i know i should wish him the best...but i cant...damnit....
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