Spouse of an ACOA, don't know what to do
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1
Spouse of an ACOA, don't know what to do
I've been married to my husband (nicknamed S for this post) for 6 years now (we've been together for 7 total). His father was an alcoholic when he was growing up but is sober now. I can't imagine what it must have been like growing up that way. S has many of the character traits associated with being an ACOA, such as trust issues, being very defensive, feeling victimized, anger, etc. I know that these are not "character flaws", and I don't blame him or judge him.
He's been to a few counselors. Of the two he's seen while we've been married, the first one he disliked immediately. The second one he said he liked and was learning things from, but then there was a billing error and he decided that the counselor was trying to cheat him, so all the positive lessons went down the drain. Same thing with psychiatrists -- they're just out to get him.
I love him dearly, but I don't know if I can do this anymore. I want to be understanding, but I also am tired of walking on eggshells. We had (another) argument last night about the same thing we always argue about -- whether or not I clean the house enough. I won't bore anyone with a run down of our view points, but I ended up laying it on the line and telling him (calmly, I don't yell) that if doesn't think he can ever change and he'll never be able to accept who I am, he needs to divorce me because he needs to be with someone who makes him happy enough that he's willing to make some sacrifices for her. I don't tend to give ultimatums because he hates them and normally I work with his preferences.
I know that I cannot make or guilt him into seeing another counselor. You can't make anyone change. Is there anything anyone can suggest that I say or any feedback on this? Any insight anyone is willing to share is greatly appreciated. He's a great guy and I love him to death, but I love me too.
He's been to a few counselors. Of the two he's seen while we've been married, the first one he disliked immediately. The second one he said he liked and was learning things from, but then there was a billing error and he decided that the counselor was trying to cheat him, so all the positive lessons went down the drain. Same thing with psychiatrists -- they're just out to get him.
I love him dearly, but I don't know if I can do this anymore. I want to be understanding, but I also am tired of walking on eggshells. We had (another) argument last night about the same thing we always argue about -- whether or not I clean the house enough. I won't bore anyone with a run down of our view points, but I ended up laying it on the line and telling him (calmly, I don't yell) that if doesn't think he can ever change and he'll never be able to accept who I am, he needs to divorce me because he needs to be with someone who makes him happy enough that he's willing to make some sacrifices for her. I don't tend to give ultimatums because he hates them and normally I work with his preferences.
I know that I cannot make or guilt him into seeing another counselor. You can't make anyone change. Is there anything anyone can suggest that I say or any feedback on this? Any insight anyone is willing to share is greatly appreciated. He's a great guy and I love him to death, but I love me too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Spouse of an ACOA
Hi,
I have a husband that recently was diagnosed for use of medical marijana.
It isn't working out very good....he uses too much sometimes before he realizes it then is out of it for hours but wakes up to eat but has trouble holding things.
I do not use drugs other than the ones prescribed for my depression, anxiety, and arthritis. I have 22 years of Sobriety in Recovery.
I know my husband has severe pain & just needs to get regulated on the right kind of marijana & things will be better.
So far we haven't been arguing but some days he is very agitated & angry so I try not to take up the argument....just slowly walk away from him & go to another room. This does work for me.
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 12
New to the forum
I am new to the Forum and so glad I have found it. I have been married to my ACOA husband for 18 years. I say he is ACOA because I thinking I have finally put my finger on what his problem is. He grew up with an alcoholic, unwed, young mother. He never knew his father. His mother had a series of unstable relationships and some unsavory ones as well. They moved around alot. When I met him he was so different from other guys. So attentive, loved my family and my values. In contrast to him, I grew up in a very average stable home. Non alcoholic parents and siblings (he is an only child). Perhaps I was naive, but I did not know what living with an alcoholic parent was. I guess I just assumed that because he seemed so happy to have a stable life for the first time, he would be happy to be married. I did whatever I could to make him happy and it seemed to work, in exchange this made me happy. I guess looking back if he got what he wanted he was happy. Things began to change when kids came into the picture. With our first born, he had a few outbursts, but I kept things calm.
Eight years ago it was the real beginning of my nightmare. In the space of three months I gave birth to twins, his alcoholic mother passed away and he turned the big 40. He did not grieve for his mother, if anything I believe he never got closure and it only made him more bitter towards her. The birth of twins now gave him a total of three kids, more stress, more noise, more responsibility. The fact that he turned 40 was my excuse for all the problems...beginning of a mid-life crisis. Maybe this didn't help, but I now see that it wasn't the bigger issue. Sometime during the course of all this he turned to marijuana. This too I thought was causing the problems. I now see that he may have turned to this as a release, but it did nothing to make things better. If anything, when he is sober the side effects make his moods worse. During all this I blamed myself for his unhappiness and only did more and gave him more to try and make things better. In the long run I became the mess. The word "eggshells" pops up alot in the posts I have read. That is how I was too, walking on eggshells. I ended up having anxiety attacks and resigned from my job. It has now been a year since I am on medication for my anxiety and am still at home. This has given me a chance to recouperate physically and mentally. I have also taken this time to do some research. Over the past few years we have both seen therapists and the conclusion is that he needs help. He however never follows through long enough to be diagnosed or treated.
Recently while browsing at the bookstore I picked up an autobiography by Dian Cannon about her rocky marriage to Cary Grant. He had a difficult childhood and this had consequences on his adulthood. I light went off in my head and I started researching this problem. This has brought me to this forum. Now that I know that although I am not perfect I am not the cause or blame of his unhappiness and with more information on ACOA, I hope to find a way to help him or to at least learn to live with him again. If this fails, then I might have to consider leaving him. I certainly don't want to live the rest of my life like the past 8 years. I want to get off this medication and get back to work. I want to get my life back.
Eight years ago it was the real beginning of my nightmare. In the space of three months I gave birth to twins, his alcoholic mother passed away and he turned the big 40. He did not grieve for his mother, if anything I believe he never got closure and it only made him more bitter towards her. The birth of twins now gave him a total of three kids, more stress, more noise, more responsibility. The fact that he turned 40 was my excuse for all the problems...beginning of a mid-life crisis. Maybe this didn't help, but I now see that it wasn't the bigger issue. Sometime during the course of all this he turned to marijuana. This too I thought was causing the problems. I now see that he may have turned to this as a release, but it did nothing to make things better. If anything, when he is sober the side effects make his moods worse. During all this I blamed myself for his unhappiness and only did more and gave him more to try and make things better. In the long run I became the mess. The word "eggshells" pops up alot in the posts I have read. That is how I was too, walking on eggshells. I ended up having anxiety attacks and resigned from my job. It has now been a year since I am on medication for my anxiety and am still at home. This has given me a chance to recouperate physically and mentally. I have also taken this time to do some research. Over the past few years we have both seen therapists and the conclusion is that he needs help. He however never follows through long enough to be diagnosed or treated.
Recently while browsing at the bookstore I picked up an autobiography by Dian Cannon about her rocky marriage to Cary Grant. He had a difficult childhood and this had consequences on his adulthood. I light went off in my head and I started researching this problem. This has brought me to this forum. Now that I know that although I am not perfect I am not the cause or blame of his unhappiness and with more information on ACOA, I hope to find a way to help him or to at least learn to live with him again. If this fails, then I might have to consider leaving him. I certainly don't want to live the rest of my life like the past 8 years. I want to get off this medication and get back to work. I want to get my life back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome to you, I hope you find this site beneficial, I agree with Roxie, try al-anon and read these boards especially the sticky notes at the top.
Please take care of you, eat right, get enough rest, exercise, and get into counseling.
Please come back often and let us know how you are doing, sometimes just having a place to vent is the best medicine.
Best of luck,
Bill
Please take care of you, eat right, get enough rest, exercise, and get into counseling.
Please come back often and let us know how you are doing, sometimes just having a place to vent is the best medicine.
Best of luck,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I'm so sorry for all the spouses of ACOA's that posted above. I know my husband has had to learn to navigate me but I didn't give him the trouble you ladies had, course in my role as a wife I am not handing out such abuses.
Your time on the forum will hopefully help you in some way. I hope your husbands can learn to deal with their backgrounds successfully for your sake and their own.
Alcoholism has far reaching affects.
Your time on the forum will hopefully help you in some way. I hope your husbands can learn to deal with their backgrounds successfully for your sake and their own.
Alcoholism has far reaching affects.
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