Reading material: "Understanding Addiction in Relationships"
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Reading material: "Understanding Addiction in Relationships"
This was posted in a monthly newspaper that comes out in my the Phoenix/Tucson area called Together AZ. It is a Recovery based publication.
An al-anon member from that area posted it on a group I manage on another social networking site. THought you might find it helpful!
Understanding Addiction in Relationships
Those who are closest to an alcoholic, addict or gambler find it very difficult to understand and accept the changes occurring within the person they think they know. The often-erratic nature of those changes makes them not only confusing but easy to interpret as a lack of love and commitment.
It is possible, however, to understand the belief system and personality that evolves with the disease of addiction. The more you can comprehend this belief system and personality, the more objective you will be about the disease.
When you are able to see that the behavioral changes of the person you are close to are not aimed at you, when you can avoid taking them personally, you will be able to intervene much more successfully.
Many addicted people, by their very nature, are kind, sensitive, big-hearted, altruistic, loving, gentle and caring. It is this core structure of their personality that makes coming to grips with the addiction so difficult, both for them and those close to them. Addicted individuals are often the kind of people who will go out of their way to help someone in need; even find the most interesting ways of saying "I love you." But as the disease progresses, this kind, sensitive side of the person becomes more difficult to see as it becomes progressively obscured by defense mechanisms.
Most addicts will deny, rationalize, justify, defend, and blame. When all the other defenses fail, anger surfaces and many will simply tell you to mind your own damn business: "This is my life. What I do is up to me. You take care of you and I will take care of me."
The extent to which these defense mechanisms represent depends solely on the stage of the disease. The more advanced the disease, the more these defense mechanisms and behavior will dominate the core personality. Defense mechanisms evolve to protect the psyche of the affected individual. They protect them from feeling the overwhelming sense of guilt and shame that would come with facing the behavior and the symptoms of this disease head on. Defense mechanisms are neither good nor bad, but natural: difficult to understand and to cope with, but not bad.
A dictionary of psychological terminology defines a defense mechanism as "an involuntary or unconscious measure adopted by an individual to protect her/himself against the painful effect associated with some highly disagreeable situation, physical or mental, of frequent occurrence; it may be employed to cover a wide range of phenomena."
In other words, these mechanisms are not malicious or purposeful; they are not used deliberately to inflict emotional pain on you or loved ones. The alcoholic, drug addict or gambler act and behave the way they do because they need to, not because they want to.
Remember that if the addiction has progressed, you may only be able to see his or her core personality and beliefs by looking at the past. The more the disease progresses the less visible the core personality is —the further back in your memory you will need to look. Sometimes it is initially difficult to remember the good in this prson because your own hurt and anger get in the way. These feelings are as normal as the defense mechanisms of the addicted person. Don’t try to swallow your feelings and pretend they aren’t real, and certainly don’t get angry at yourself for feeling what is normal and natural.
If you are faced with these challenges, now might be the time to research intervention. It is very important to the intervention process that you develop an understanding of the addicted person. It is equally important to understand how this disease has affected you, and what defense mechanisms you have developed to cope with it.
No one can be emotionally involved with an alcoholic, addict or compulsive gambler without experiencing hurt. Because of the presence of the addiction, the chances to deal with that hurt within the context of the relationship become infrequent and often nonexistent. The lack of opportunity creates anger, and would be the ideal time to investigate self-help groups in your area, where you can become grounded, and informed and ready to take the next step in your own recovery which may in turn will help the addicted person in your life.
An al-anon member from that area posted it on a group I manage on another social networking site. THought you might find it helpful!
Understanding Addiction in Relationships
Those who are closest to an alcoholic, addict or gambler find it very difficult to understand and accept the changes occurring within the person they think they know. The often-erratic nature of those changes makes them not only confusing but easy to interpret as a lack of love and commitment.
It is possible, however, to understand the belief system and personality that evolves with the disease of addiction. The more you can comprehend this belief system and personality, the more objective you will be about the disease.
When you are able to see that the behavioral changes of the person you are close to are not aimed at you, when you can avoid taking them personally, you will be able to intervene much more successfully.
Many addicted people, by their very nature, are kind, sensitive, big-hearted, altruistic, loving, gentle and caring. It is this core structure of their personality that makes coming to grips with the addiction so difficult, both for them and those close to them. Addicted individuals are often the kind of people who will go out of their way to help someone in need; even find the most interesting ways of saying "I love you." But as the disease progresses, this kind, sensitive side of the person becomes more difficult to see as it becomes progressively obscured by defense mechanisms.
Most addicts will deny, rationalize, justify, defend, and blame. When all the other defenses fail, anger surfaces and many will simply tell you to mind your own damn business: "This is my life. What I do is up to me. You take care of you and I will take care of me."
The extent to which these defense mechanisms represent depends solely on the stage of the disease. The more advanced the disease, the more these defense mechanisms and behavior will dominate the core personality. Defense mechanisms evolve to protect the psyche of the affected individual. They protect them from feeling the overwhelming sense of guilt and shame that would come with facing the behavior and the symptoms of this disease head on. Defense mechanisms are neither good nor bad, but natural: difficult to understand and to cope with, but not bad.
A dictionary of psychological terminology defines a defense mechanism as "an involuntary or unconscious measure adopted by an individual to protect her/himself against the painful effect associated with some highly disagreeable situation, physical or mental, of frequent occurrence; it may be employed to cover a wide range of phenomena."
In other words, these mechanisms are not malicious or purposeful; they are not used deliberately to inflict emotional pain on you or loved ones. The alcoholic, drug addict or gambler act and behave the way they do because they need to, not because they want to.
Remember that if the addiction has progressed, you may only be able to see his or her core personality and beliefs by looking at the past. The more the disease progresses the less visible the core personality is —the further back in your memory you will need to look. Sometimes it is initially difficult to remember the good in this prson because your own hurt and anger get in the way. These feelings are as normal as the defense mechanisms of the addicted person. Don’t try to swallow your feelings and pretend they aren’t real, and certainly don’t get angry at yourself for feeling what is normal and natural.
If you are faced with these challenges, now might be the time to research intervention. It is very important to the intervention process that you develop an understanding of the addicted person. It is equally important to understand how this disease has affected you, and what defense mechanisms you have developed to cope with it.
No one can be emotionally involved with an alcoholic, addict or compulsive gambler without experiencing hurt. Because of the presence of the addiction, the chances to deal with that hurt within the context of the relationship become infrequent and often nonexistent. The lack of opportunity creates anger, and would be the ideal time to investigate self-help groups in your area, where you can become grounded, and informed and ready to take the next step in your own recovery which may in turn will help the addicted person in your life.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Thanks for posting that. I am a recovering addict/alcoholic and I will have 7 years in 10 days but whose counting? Lol
I also lived w/an alcoholic for 7 or 8 years and although they were some of the best years, they were also some of the sickest to.
I have read that this is a family disease and the people that have to deal w/anothers addiction can be even more sick than the addict themselves, because the addict can numb their feelings but they feel it all.
Many who are not addicts get very defensive or downright angry when this is suggested to them.
I ended up leaving that relationship because I knew one of us was going to end up dead and I am sorry to say he died in his 40's from the alcohol, it ate his insides.
This is a progressive and deadly disease and you are not helping anyone by cosigning their bull, all you are doing is helping them to their grave.
If you are in an alcoholic relationship go get help. There is a better life out there and its not full of drama.
I also lived w/an alcoholic for 7 or 8 years and although they were some of the best years, they were also some of the sickest to.
I have read that this is a family disease and the people that have to deal w/anothers addiction can be even more sick than the addict themselves, because the addict can numb their feelings but they feel it all.
Many who are not addicts get very defensive or downright angry when this is suggested to them.
I ended up leaving that relationship because I knew one of us was going to end up dead and I am sorry to say he died in his 40's from the alcohol, it ate his insides.
This is a progressive and deadly disease and you are not helping anyone by cosigning their bull, all you are doing is helping them to their grave.
If you are in an alcoholic relationship go get help. There is a better life out there and its not full of drama.
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Location: Wild West, USA
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Originally Posted by sandrawg 
"Defense mechanisms evolve to protect the psyche of the affected individual. They protect them from feeling the overwhelming sense of guilt and shame that would come with facing the behavior and the symptoms of this disease head on. Defense mechanisms are neither good nor bad, but natural: difficult to understand and to cope with, but not bad.
A dictionary of psychological terminology defines a defense mechanism as "an involuntary or unconscious measure adopted by an individual to protect her/himself against the painful effect associated with some highly disagreeable situation, physical or mental, of frequent occurrence; it may be employed to cover a wide range of phenomena."
In other words, these mechanisms are not malicious or purposeful; they are not used deliberately to inflict emotional pain on you or loved ones. The alcoholic, drug addict or gambler act and behave the way they do because they need to, not because they want to.
A dictionary of psychological terminology defines a defense mechanism as "an involuntary or unconscious measure adopted by an individual to protect her/himself against the painful effect associated with some highly disagreeable situation, physical or mental, of frequent occurrence; it may be employed to cover a wide range of phenomena."
In other words, these mechanisms are not malicious or purposeful; they are not used deliberately to inflict emotional pain on you or loved ones. The alcoholic, drug addict or gambler act and behave the way they do because they need to, not because they want to.
But I don't agree that defense alcoholism mechanisms aren't bad. I think the moment anyone, addict or not, starts to lie to themself in an attempt to avoid guilt and shame, they're in deep doo doo. I could stand my aexh's drinking; what I couldn't deal with was his pathological need to avoid considering the possibility that he might be doing something wrong. I feel guilt and shame frequently but I make an effort not to yank myself around about the cause of it.
It's not personal when he gets weirdly irrational with me, and I don't take it that way anymore. But it isn't neutral, it isn't okay, either.
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It's interesting you point that out, because that sort of stuck out like a sore thumb to me as well.
Even though I found the article helpful, overall, I too didn't agree that the defense mechanisms aren't "bad"-and it's especially hard to see them as not bad when you're on the other end of them.
But maybe what the author is saying is we shouldn't take it personally when they are leveled against us?
Even though I found the article helpful, overall, I too didn't agree that the defense mechanisms aren't "bad"-and it's especially hard to see them as not bad when you're on the other end of them.
But maybe what the author is saying is we shouldn't take it personally when they are leveled against us?
Originally Posted by BuffaloGal
Well, I sure can see my former husband's core personality better from ten years ago than now; currently I don't like to interact with him due to his need to deny, rationalize, justify, defend, and blame.
But I don't agree that defense alcoholism mechanisms aren't bad. I think the moment anyone, addict or not, starts to lie to themself in an attempt to avoid guilt and shame, they're in deep doo doo. I could stand my aexh's drinking; what I couldn't deal with was his pathological need to avoid considering the possibility that he might be doing something wrong. I feel guilt and shame frequently but I make an effort not to yank myself around about the cause of it.
It's not personal when he gets weirdly irrational with me, and I don't take it that way anymore. But it isn't neutral, it isn't okay, either.
But I don't agree that defense alcoholism mechanisms aren't bad. I think the moment anyone, addict or not, starts to lie to themself in an attempt to avoid guilt and shame, they're in deep doo doo. I could stand my aexh's drinking; what I couldn't deal with was his pathological need to avoid considering the possibility that he might be doing something wrong. I feel guilt and shame frequently but I make an effort not to yank myself around about the cause of it.
It's not personal when he gets weirdly irrational with me, and I don't take it that way anymore. But it isn't neutral, it isn't okay, either.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Originally Posted by sandrawg
But maybe what the author is saying is we shouldn't take it personally when they are leveled against us?
If my neighbor was randomly throwing rocks, and one happened to hit me, I'd still be mad at him for his dangerous hobby of throwing the rocks because it hurt me (and could hurt someone else, too), even though I wouldn't take it as a personal attack on me because he didn't mean for it to hit me.
Throwing rocks without thinking of where they might go or who they might hurt isn't healthy.
There comes a point when accidents aren't really accidents, even if they weren't intentional, either.
If that makes any sense?
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Actually, it does. But I doubt it would make sense to anyone who's never been in a relationship with an alcoholic!!!! lol
Originally Posted by StarCat
I believe that's the main point.
If my neighbor was randomly throwing rocks, and one happened to hit me, I'd still be mad at him for his dangerous hobby of throwing the rocks because it hurt me (and could hurt someone else, too), even though I wouldn't take it as a personal attack on me because he didn't mean for it to hit me.
Throwing rocks without thinking of where they might go or who they might hurt isn't healthy.
There comes a point when accidents aren't really accidents, even if they weren't intentional, either.
If that makes any sense?
If my neighbor was randomly throwing rocks, and one happened to hit me, I'd still be mad at him for his dangerous hobby of throwing the rocks because it hurt me (and could hurt someone else, too), even though I wouldn't take it as a personal attack on me because he didn't mean for it to hit me.
Throwing rocks without thinking of where they might go or who they might hurt isn't healthy.
There comes a point when accidents aren't really accidents, even if they weren't intentional, either.
If that makes any sense?
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Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by sandrawg
Actually, it does. But I doubt it would make sense to anyone who's never been in a relationship with an alcoholic!!!! lol
Ain't that the truth!
It really isn't personal, and that was a huge revelation to me that helped me view my aexh with more sympathy and less anger. I think of my aexh as a thunderstorm. The rain, lightning and hail aren't aimed at me as a person, but I darn well better take shelter if I don't want to get soaked.
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Thank you for posting this article, Sandra.
Even though my ill relationship is behind me, it still feels like salve on the wound of my "well, was he really this beautiful person or was it my imagination?"
Peace...
Even though my ill relationship is behind me, it still feels like salve on the wound of my "well, was he really this beautiful person or was it my imagination?"
Peace...
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Thank you so much for posting this Sandra- and thank you newby as well for what you wrote. I absolutely believe that I've been as ill if not iller than my AH for precisely the reason you cite. I've been envious of him at times (sick as that sounds) bc he a) doesn't remember the horrid things he has said and done b) his feelings are numbed by alcohol and I feel all of mine.
Thank you both for your thought provoking and useful posts!
Thank you both for your thought provoking and useful posts!
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