My Boyfriend's family are blaming me for his drug abuse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 3
My Boyfriend's family are blaming me for his drug abuse
Three days ago, my boyfriend of 5 years called me , and said he couldn't date me anymore, as I began to question , he began to cry and continued to say he just can't. In the background his family was yelling, its done, it's just done. He said he would call me when he could, but then once again his family proceeded to yell toward the phone "NO!" he could never see or speak to me again. As he hung up he said he was going to get help. I called his house, and his father answered screaming at me and hung up. I then called back again, I needed to know what was happening. His sister answered and said I was "killing" him. They believe I've been supplying him with pills, but when I recently found out how serious his addiction was I tried to get him help.
Only one person in his family is speaking to me, so I found out where he was going from her. I immediately wrote a letter, expressing how much I love him and how I am so proud of him that he willingly went to rehab. I told him I forgive him for putting the blame on me because he must have though it would have made everything easier for him. I also told him I am not going anywhere and I want to stay strong for him. I also sent some pictures, and he should be receiving them today.
Needless to say, I have been a wreck the past three days. I go to school and see him every weekend, so I haven't seen him in over a week and now I haven't spoken to him in four days.I just found out yesterday that it was more than pills, he had started doing cocaine. The rehab said he can make calls on Friday (three days from now) but I am worried he isn't going to call. I feel like his family have such a strong influence over him that he wont want to go against them, especially since they are paying for the rehab. The thing is, I have been there for him more times in the past 5 years than anyone else.
I don't know what to do. I am so upset and trying to keep my mind busy. I am working and going to classes, but every free moment I have, my mind is going crazy. I thought I would spend my life with him, but everything has suddenly fallen apart. I wake up and the first thought is him.
I am so happy he is getting help, but under the circumstances that his family now hates me, I feel like our relationship is lost forever, if I can even call this a relationship now.
If anyone could give me advice or just talk to me I would really appreciate it. Everyone is telling me to just "do me" for now, but it's easier said than done.
Thank you all for reading this....
"Confused"
Only one person in his family is speaking to me, so I found out where he was going from her. I immediately wrote a letter, expressing how much I love him and how I am so proud of him that he willingly went to rehab. I told him I forgive him for putting the blame on me because he must have though it would have made everything easier for him. I also told him I am not going anywhere and I want to stay strong for him. I also sent some pictures, and he should be receiving them today.
Needless to say, I have been a wreck the past three days. I go to school and see him every weekend, so I haven't seen him in over a week and now I haven't spoken to him in four days.I just found out yesterday that it was more than pills, he had started doing cocaine. The rehab said he can make calls on Friday (three days from now) but I am worried he isn't going to call. I feel like his family have such a strong influence over him that he wont want to go against them, especially since they are paying for the rehab. The thing is, I have been there for him more times in the past 5 years than anyone else.
I don't know what to do. I am so upset and trying to keep my mind busy. I am working and going to classes, but every free moment I have, my mind is going crazy. I thought I would spend my life with him, but everything has suddenly fallen apart. I wake up and the first thought is him.
I am so happy he is getting help, but under the circumstances that his family now hates me, I feel like our relationship is lost forever, if I can even call this a relationship now.
If anyone could give me advice or just talk to me I would really appreciate it. Everyone is telling me to just "do me" for now, but it's easier said than done.
Thank you all for reading this....
"Confused"
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Everyone is telling me to just "do me" for now, but it's easier said than done.
Take this advice and run for the hills. If things are this toxic on a bf/gf level, what will they be husband/wife/kids/finances/houses/jobs/responsibilities/pets/everyday stress level?
Read the stickies above click on members names to find their initial posts. Focus on your school, on YOU. Love shouldn't hurt this much.
Take this advice and run for the hills. If things are this toxic on a bf/gf level, what will they be husband/wife/kids/finances/houses/jobs/responsibilities/pets/everyday stress level?
Read the stickies above click on members names to find their initial posts. Focus on your school, on YOU. Love shouldn't hurt this much.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 37
Confused, I'm sorry for your pain. As the mother of an addict, I can understand the finger-pointing even though it isn't right.
You don't really say, and it isn't my business, but did you supply him with drugs or alcohol? If so, the family's reaction may be justified - at least for the moment. You may not have known BF was an addict, but I can understand the family's reaction if you gave him drugs.
If you didn't, maybe you need to let a little time go by. Give all the emotions time to get under control. Give BF a chance to decide for himself what he's gonna do and who he's gonna do it with.
You can always write to him (assuming he's an adult) unless he asks you to stop. Sometimes a cooling off period is good for everyone.
I'll be sending positive thoughts your way.
You don't really say, and it isn't my business, but did you supply him with drugs or alcohol? If so, the family's reaction may be justified - at least for the moment. You may not have known BF was an addict, but I can understand the family's reaction if you gave him drugs.
If you didn't, maybe you need to let a little time go by. Give all the emotions time to get under control. Give BF a chance to decide for himself what he's gonna do and who he's gonna do it with.
You can always write to him (assuming he's an adult) unless he asks you to stop. Sometimes a cooling off period is good for everyone.
I'll be sending positive thoughts your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 3
He had prescriptions for xanax,ambien,and adderall. He has adhd so the adderall would get him up and the xanax and ambien would get him to bed. At a time I would give him xanax and or ambien when he left it at his house while he was with me. He also knew my grandma had medicine so he would take them from her saying "he had pain" but I knew it was getting bad and he needed some sort of help. He never played it off as he didnt have a problem, but he never fully admitted to me that he did until two days before he went to rehab. I never purposely gave him medicine to feed his addiction. I wanted help for him. The real him is the one I love with all my heart.
I understand why some one you say that it's a good time to get out of the relationship, but we have been through a lot in the past few years and I think that he can become a better person. He is an adult and hopefully he will still want to be with me through all of this. I don't want to run away when he needs the most support.
I understand why some one you say that it's a good time to get out of the relationship, but we have been through a lot in the past few years and I think that he can become a better person. He is an adult and hopefully he will still want to be with me through all of this. I don't want to run away when he needs the most support.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Confused, you might want to do some reading on this forum to see how crazy life can become with an addict. You cannot help him, you cannot save him. You can be supportive from a distance, but don't ever think that anything you say or anything you do will affect his addiction one way or the other. He'll stop when he is ready to stop and not one second before. You cannot win in a battle with drugs over him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I am sorry for the pain you are feeling.
Family members of addicts want to blame something...someone....unfortunately, you are a convenient target for blame. It's not right. There is no one to blame but the addict themselves. But I understand the family's thought process (wrong as it may be)..... they are hurting too.
Right now.....your boyfriend needs to concentrate on himself without distractions. He is addicted and he needs to focus on his recovery.
Take this time to learn as much about recovery (addiction and codependence) as you can. That will be the best thing that you can do for HIM, for yourself, and for his family.
gentle hugs
ke
Family members of addicts want to blame something...someone....unfortunately, you are a convenient target for blame. It's not right. There is no one to blame but the addict themselves. But I understand the family's thought process (wrong as it may be)..... they are hurting too.
Right now.....your boyfriend needs to concentrate on himself without distractions. He is addicted and he needs to focus on his recovery.
Take this time to learn as much about recovery (addiction and codependence) as you can. That will be the best thing that you can do for HIM, for yourself, and for his family.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by suki44883 
Confused, you might want to do some reading on this forum to see how crazy life can become with an addict. You cannot help him, you cannot save him. You can be supportive from a distance, but don't ever think that anything you say or anything you do will affect his addiction one way or the other. He'll stop when he is ready to stop and not one second before. You cannot win in a battle with drugs over him.
^^This. I lived with an addict for almost 6 years - my daughter. While she doesn't live with me anymore, being involved in her life means it's a rollercoaster ride for me. We're up. We're down. We're at every point in between - sometimes in the same 10 minutes.
I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.
If you can let go now, your life will get better. Sending positive energy your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 3
Thank you all for all your advice. I still need some comfort if anyone else cares to post. I have come to the point where I can't blame myself and I realize I dont want to live with this my whole life. As much as I love him, I love the non-addict him. After he gets out of rehab, if I feel as though one ounce of him wants to use I won't stand for it. I don't have to live for that, that's not the life I deserve. He put a ring on my finger but I'm glad I didn't marry him yet, because then I wouldn't have an easy way out.
I know this is still going to be very hard for me, but I am very proud of myself that I came to this conclusion.
I know this is still going to be very hard for me, but I am very proud of myself that I came to this conclusion.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: usa
Posts: 15
How old is he? If you don't mind my asking, because if he is an adult his family can only take as much control as he allows.Don't let him blame you instead of taking personal responsibility for his own actions because if you except it now it will happen over and over again.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
I remember once upon a time my exah's parents accused me of not giving him enough money. (It had gotten so bad that I took full control of all finances really quick.) I was giving him $10 a day out of his paycheck. Can you imagine? A grown man and I had to treat him like a child just so he wouldn't sink me and our home down with him into addiction hell. When I finally kicked him out and he went to live with his parents...they started singing another tune. They started giving him only $5 a day. That's just a little piece of what it's like to live/be married/be a parent to an addict.
Your abf's parents love him and want the best for him and if he told them that you supplied him with drugs then they will believe it and they will cling onto that because they might not want to believe it was a 100% his doing only. And that gives them a person to be mad at. I can't even begin to tell you how angry I was at the drug dealers. Then I gained a little perspective on the matter and realized that my exah went to them...they didn't go to him...even though I still hated them. His parents will learn this if he comes out and uses because regardless of whether or not you supplied it...he would've procurred the pills somehow on his own anyway. You learned your lesson...don't share your prescriptions or anyone else's prescriptions. You can only plead being naive or ignorance once. You do have to wonder though....why he sold you out to them instead of taking full responsiblity. He had no problems with his parents hating you and you're engaged to be married?! I don't know....I wouldn't take kindly to that.
Life with an addict is not easy. It's NOT one of those cases when you can say, "If he loves me enough then he won't do it" or "Our love is stronger than it...love will conquer all". However, it is one of those cases when you can love someone to death. If you enable the addict he can potentially have all he needs so all you would be doing is securing his ability to continue on with his addiction. And somehow we have all ended up doing that in some form or another without even realizing it. Then we come here and learn that enabling is bad, bad, bad...atleast, that is what happened with me. Sometimes loving someone is letting them go so that they have the space to find their way back. In the meantime, you get a chance to gain some clarity and figure out if this is the life you want.
Your abf's parents love him and want the best for him and if he told them that you supplied him with drugs then they will believe it and they will cling onto that because they might not want to believe it was a 100% his doing only. And that gives them a person to be mad at. I can't even begin to tell you how angry I was at the drug dealers. Then I gained a little perspective on the matter and realized that my exah went to them...they didn't go to him...even though I still hated them. His parents will learn this if he comes out and uses because regardless of whether or not you supplied it...he would've procurred the pills somehow on his own anyway. You learned your lesson...don't share your prescriptions or anyone else's prescriptions. You can only plead being naive or ignorance once. You do have to wonder though....why he sold you out to them instead of taking full responsiblity. He had no problems with his parents hating you and you're engaged to be married?! I don't know....I wouldn't take kindly to that.
Life with an addict is not easy. It's NOT one of those cases when you can say, "If he loves me enough then he won't do it" or "Our love is stronger than it...love will conquer all". However, it is one of those cases when you can love someone to death. If you enable the addict he can potentially have all he needs so all you would be doing is securing his ability to continue on with his addiction. And somehow we have all ended up doing that in some form or another without even realizing it. Then we come here and learn that enabling is bad, bad, bad...atleast, that is what happened with me. Sometimes loving someone is letting them go so that they have the space to find their way back. In the meantime, you get a chance to gain some clarity and figure out if this is the life you want.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
Originally Posted by Callie
Everyone is telling me to just "do me" for now, but it's easier said than done.
Take this advice and run for the hills. If things are this toxic on a bf/gf level, what will they be husband/wife/kids/finances/houses/jobs/responsibilities/pets/everyday stress level?
Read the stickies above click on members names to find their initial posts. Focus on your school, on YOU. Love shouldn't hurt this much.
Take this advice and run for the hills. If things are this toxic on a bf/gf level, what will they be husband/wife/kids/finances/houses/jobs/responsibilities/pets/everyday stress level?
Read the stickies above click on members names to find their initial posts. Focus on your school, on YOU. Love shouldn't hurt this much.
Confused91 -pills from grandma?-not good period. Nobody seems to be thinking things through which WILL make matters worse in the future.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
Hi Confused,
My MIL one time attacked me by asking me what I did to help her son get off drugs. I replied and asked her the same question, I have known him for 5 years but you raised him, so what have you done? Neither one of us was pointing the finger where it needed to be, at him. You have to cut his family some slack because they can't even fathom what you feel and how this affects you, they are just looking for someone to blame. Now that my husband is no longer living with me and living with his mom, she is following him everywhere he goes trying to make sure that he isn't drinking or getting high and making most of his decisions. I am sure she is judging me right now for "abandoning" her son, but I don't get worked up about it, he is a grown man and he is responsible the quality of his own life. I can tell you first hand, dealing with his addiction has been the hardest thing I have ever done, get out now why you still can.
If if he gets clean, he can still relapse and you are always going to be checking his eyes and face to see if he is using again. You are always going to be wondering what he is doing when he is not with you, what he is hiding. I can tell from a single word over the telephone if my husband is high, its like an intuition I wish I didn't have. I can't tell you how many times my husband swore up and down that he was not going to get high ever again. I completely understand what you are feeling because I have been there myself. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to, you are in my prayers.
My MIL one time attacked me by asking me what I did to help her son get off drugs. I replied and asked her the same question, I have known him for 5 years but you raised him, so what have you done? Neither one of us was pointing the finger where it needed to be, at him. You have to cut his family some slack because they can't even fathom what you feel and how this affects you, they are just looking for someone to blame. Now that my husband is no longer living with me and living with his mom, she is following him everywhere he goes trying to make sure that he isn't drinking or getting high and making most of his decisions. I am sure she is judging me right now for "abandoning" her son, but I don't get worked up about it, he is a grown man and he is responsible the quality of his own life. I can tell you first hand, dealing with his addiction has been the hardest thing I have ever done, get out now why you still can.
If if he gets clean, he can still relapse and you are always going to be checking his eyes and face to see if he is using again. You are always going to be wondering what he is doing when he is not with you, what he is hiding. I can tell from a single word over the telephone if my husband is high, its like an intuition I wish I didn't have. I can't tell you how many times my husband swore up and down that he was not going to get high ever again. I completely understand what you are feeling because I have been there myself. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to, you are in my prayers.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
