stepsforward

Where do I begin? My AH was sober for 2 years when we started having marital problems and he relapsed. When he relapsed for 2 weeks and our problems excelled. Things happened that have made it even harder to forgive him. It has been 8 months of marriage counseling, al alon, anger management classes (for me) and trying to get him to understand how important honesty is to me and he lied again and relapsed. I know that that is what alcholics do best, but how much is one person surpose to take. He is a great guy sober and a devil when drug - he just doesnt care what he says to me or anyone else.
Just nice to read everyone stories and know I am not the only one out there.

Working on me each day just wish I could move forward faster.

StarCat

Welcome to the forum.
I'm glad you found us.
You're not alone. We know what you're going through.

It's so frustrating when someone you love makes choices to destroy their own life, and know that there really isn't anything you can do to take that choice away from them without making the situation even more unhealthy.


Welcome to the forum.
I'm glad you found us.

wanttobehealthy

I struggled with wanting my AH to "get" why honesty is so important to a marriage. It's insane (but that did not stop me from talking about this til I was blue in the face and I am still not that far removed from doing it) that that's even a conversation that we have with our spouse bc just by virtue of having to have that conversation it's a pretty clear sign that it's falling on deaf ears.

IMHO, marriage counseling is not viable when there is active addiction. He can't work on issues as he would if he were not an addict, when he is using.

Going to marriage counseling with my AH just served to make me more upset, more unwilling to let go and kept me connected to him and his promises and all that got me was lots and lots of heartache.

I think most of us would agree that our loved one is a great person (or was at one time) when they are sober and are the opposite when using. So, are those intermittant good times worth the bad?

For me I thought they were for a long time... I think for some people it is enough and I am envious in a way of those who can detach and make it work. But for me, I decided that the bad was what I felt distressed by most of the time and no amount of good was going to make that okay...

Just things to think about-- I know what's been helpful to me here has been reading others thoughts and the process they went through and that's why I share my story... if it's not useful, no worries... I am not preaching-- just sharing...

I'm sorry you're hurting. It sucks and no one deserves the hell that living with an addict brings...

roxiestone

We've all been there. Hugs to you.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, and what StarCat said. Couldn't say it any better.

You are not alone in this.

Take good care,
~T

Alone22

It has always been amazing to me that my AH one moment can be a very nice, loving rational person and then the next turn around and flat out lie. It is like there is some disconnect going on. I guess it is just one of those things we simply can't understand because we are not A's. I will never understand why someone as smart as my AH is continues such an unhealthy habit. Mind boggling and very frustrating! However with my own recovery (from being a codie) in progress now I do not take his lying personally any longer. It has nothing to do with how much he loves or doesn't love me. It is part of a very sick illness called alcoholism. Right now I am in the process of figuring out what I find acceptable and not in my marriage. Putting up boundaries and seeing how that changes the dynamics of our relationship. I try to live each day as it comes, but I am also thinking about the future. If I am unable to find some peace and detach myself from his illness then I have to look at what needs to be done to get out of this marriage. Doesn't mean I have to make the choice to leave today, but I can explore what I would do if I did.


Bottom line... alcoholism sucks. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Making good choices for me and my kids is my #1 priority and that is where my focus is.

sandrawg

Man, is THIS true. I have chat logs. reams of them. Where I went on and on about how important honesty is. I remember thinking at the time, WAIT. Why do I have to educate this guy abotu this stuff? It should be COMMON SENSE.

Yet, that happened A LOT. Always feeling like I had to teach him to actually treat his partner with respect.

I think it's much better to just find someone who already knows.

sandrawg

Their personalities when drinking can be totally different .It's like living with DR. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.