dreamstones

I prayed I wouldn’t have to vent on the boards again, was hoping to be of support and offer prayers to others dealing with this damn disease!

We all have gone through the “recurrent theme” of this disease when dealing with our loved ones, rock bottom, sobriety, small fall or another big fall to the bottom. Sometimes the bottom kills them, as it did my Dad. I know all about the 3 C’s, it applies to all facets of our lives, whether it is dealing with the A in our life or not and I apply it to my thought process every day.

Just looking for a few prayers and hugs, it will mean so much today before the stuff hits the fan once again. The co-dependency dynamics of my Mom and AS have come into play once again. Mom heads off last week to England for a month to visit her family, sis cuts off communications to me and others for 5 days now, I don’t have to see to know what is going on. I know I can’t stop it, but am I obligated to check on her to see if she is dead? She is 44 years old, I shouldn’t have to do this; I shouldn’t have to take care of her. I stressed to Mom and Sis that they needed to set a deadline for sis to become independent, that this wasn’t healthy how they were co-dependent on each other. As always, I’m looked upon as a tough guy and bully, because I see the truth of the situation? Maybe I’m being selfish, but I’m not my sister’s keeper and I refuse to let this disease ruin my life once again.

Thanks for listening, thanks for your prayers.

MayaandMe

Thinking of you today and wishing that you can have the peace and serenity that you deserve.

FindingPeace1

Really tough question.
It's good you know you are not responsible and your peace is number one.
What choice can you make that will bring you the least drama and most peace, knowing you can't control her choices?

What if you DIDN'T know mom was gone and she was not returning phone calls? What would you do?

Perhaps you need to relax and trust the Universe to take care of her while you take care of you.

Hugs,
p

dreamstones

So true if I didn't know Mom was gone, so I will trust the universe and focus on taking care of me. Thanks for the hugs and words!

Tuffgirl

I've wondered as I work through my own recovery why my family of origin creates such an unhealthy sense of obligation inside me. I watch my RAH doing the same thing (its one of those things we have in common!) and we both resent the intrusion, but still get swept up in that sense of duty to our family. It's been a sore point between us and for ourselves. But the more grounded I become in my own recovery - the easier it is to set some appropriate boundaries and effectively handle the flak that comes from certain people who don't like my boundaries.

But the RAH still struggles and of course, its expected that he doesn't have healthy boundaries nor really comprehend what they are just yet. And his family continues to lead him around by the nose and he continues to let them and resent it at the same time. Hard to watch.

Good for you for making it clear to yourself what you want to do and what you don't want to do. Unfortunately, it does make us look like the bad guys (I am mean, selfish and cruel, said in bold to add the sister's emphasis). And now, I am able to say, "oh well, so be it".

Frustrating, though! Stay strong!
~T

lillamy

No. You're not obligated to check on her.
You are correct, you shouldn't have to take care of her.

dreamstones

Thanks all, your words mean so much! I guess just reinforcing what I know is right helps once I "say" it and hear the response that I'm focusing on this the correct way.

kittykitty

Sending hugs and love your way, keep the focus on you , and everything will be okay.

:hugs:

dreamstones

Update. Okay, the nightmare from two years ago is happening all over again, this was a fear I had when Mom said she was heading to England this year. I’m so focusing on the 3 C’s and trying not to drive myself too nuts, just worried about sister’s health more than anything. My suspicions of AS drinking is true, found a can full of vomit next to her bed yesterday when I stopped by house to pick up something (she was at work). Her insides are pretty much shot from all the years of drinking, so obviously her body can’t handle vodka being reintroduced to her system. She is also diabetic, so that makes things even worse. The last few times she drank herself nearly to death 2 years ago, she ended up in intensive care multiple times that year until she finally went to 30 day treatment and HAD been sober for close to a year and a half.

I didn’t dump the hootch, haven’t said anything to her about drinking. I spoke with her last night on phone for a few minutes and just by talking to her, I know she was blotto. My daughter had made arrangements (she just separated from husband and works every other weekend) with her to watch our granddaughter this coming Saturday, I made up an excuse that we were taking her for some reason, I didn’t want to start the drama yet. Plus, I can’t control her drinking, but I could control where my granddaughter stays and that is far away from her!! My wife and I canceled plans to watch granddaughter, there is no way my sister can be trusted.

So, what do I do now? Let her drink herself into a diabetic coma, with no one around to call 911? Based on her history, she will show up to work drunk and drink on the job, the water bottle full of vodka is her best friend at this point, so if/when she gets fired, this will probably send her into a even bigger drinking frenzy. Do I calmly try to talk to her, asking her to realize what she is doing, but as we all know, you can’t argue with an alcoholic??? Do I just do like last time, check each day to see if she is alive, and then leave? In some ways, it sounds like I am trying to control the situation, which I know I can’t!!! I also don’t want to come back from the airport in 3 weeks with my Mom, we walk in the house and sister is dead. Hell, she may burn the house down before that, she basically lays in bed drinking, smoking, and vomiting. Yep, pretty picture.