NGall29

I've been posting the last few days...unfortunately I don't have the posting privileges to post the links to my prior posts so I'll have to repeat myself a little.

My husband just went on a four-day alcohol binge after a solid year of not drinking. He came home extremely drunk and hit me when I tried to take our son and leave. He is a very different person when under the influence...very mean, verbally (and twice physically) abusive, and aggressive. I left Wednesday night and had been dealing with his crazy drunken phone calls for the last few days. Last night, two of his friends called me worried. They hadn't been able to reach him and they had gone to our house to check on him. They said he was a complete wreck, in his underwear, sobbing, surrounded by empty liquor bottles. They said he kept saying over and over what a horrible person he is, and that he seemed really depressed. They got rid of all of the alcohol and got him to sober up and he's gotten himself back together.

Today of course, he is beside himself with regret and very very sorry. I knew he would be once the alcohol was out of his system. I know this is a cycle. I really believe it's not even about the alcohol, it's about unresolved issues/trauma from his past, his childhood, whatever. I am realizing how messed-up his family is lately. I called his mother about all of this and she hasn't told any of his siblings or his father what's going on. I told her her son has mental issues and her response was "He's not mentally ill, it's just that he can't touch alcohol...I wish I had suggestions for you." They are in the UK and absolutely no help to me whatsoever. He says he doesn't ever want to drink again. He also says he knows that he got drunk on purpose (which I already knew)...

Anyway, I told him that he's going to be a miserable person for a very long time if he doesn't deal with his issues. He's going to a psychiatric/mental health center tomorrow after work. Of course he says he'll do anything I ask him to. He says he is willing to go all the way with a psychiatrist and get on medication if he needs it, whatever will help him.

I am very torn right now. This baby is coming in 11 weeks. I don't need this. I do love him, very much. The fact that he's been a good husband for the last year makes this that much harder for me. I know what he did is very wrong, and I am probably sick myself for feeling any sympathy for him (I am seeing a psychologist for my codependency issues, I have my second appt. with her tomorrow). I am very angry and betrayed and hurt. However, aside from his drinking incidents, he's been a good dad and he's usually a loving husband. I know he's in a lot of pain on the inside, and he's always had severe anxiety. I think the binges are a release from that. I don't want to think emotionally and feel sorry for him or justify his behavior. At the same time, I feel that he's "sick" and I don't want to abandon him. But is it time to just completely throw in the towel and walk away from our home and our life? To do that, I would have to just move out and live with my parents for awhile. I would be able to go back to work full-time once the baby comes. I have this part of me (wrong as it probably is) that believes in him and his willingness to change. Is that crazy, or does it just say how unhealthy I am...?

Is it impossible for him to change? The trust is gone, I know that much. I can pretty confidently say he won't drink again for a long time, but I do know that if he doesn't address these issues, he will certainly drink again at some point, it's just a fact. Do I just say I want a divorce, as much as that hurts...? Do I let him see our son (who is now scared of his daddy)? Do I give him some kind of time period in which to get himself together? My family would probably disown me if I let him stay. I just feel like he could change if he really gives it his all. It's hard to reconcile the way he is 99% of the time with what he's like when he's drunk. He has never been aggressive toward me sober. Maybe I just don't want to give up on the four of us being a family, and I really need to...

This is just so hard.

chicory

since you are asking, I would suggest letting your son have some peace, and time to get over the fear of his father. taking away your husbands "bottom" now, by going back, may get soften his resolve to get help.

in my book, kids come first. what happens to them at this young age can set the stage for the future. i was a child of an alcoholic father, and his drunken tirades are what i remember. i remember listening to the fighting, and worrying that he was going to kill my mother. I remember shaking uncontrollably, obviously many times, or I would not remember it so much.

this included violence. that to me says you should not be there. kids cant choose , they are along for whatever terrible ride their parents take them on. you dont trust him, so let that be your guide. you have two precious souls besides your own to protect, and to be accountable for.

take your time. it is sad, yes. but you dont have to do anything right now but take care of yourself and your son. being in a safe place is so important. if you hurry back to his side, he may not be so desperate to get help for his self. let him face the music. he could do this terrible thing again, and what makes you think he wont drink again for a long time? did you think he would do what he did when he frightened your little son to the core of his little being? sorry , but i hate to see children terrorized in their own homes, by the ones who should protect them with their lives. he may want his family gathered around his self, to comfort his self, but how does he deserve that? he does not even know that he wont do it again, so is he thinking of what is best for you and his children- i think he is thinking of what is going to feel best for him. that is not loving his family, it is risking their safety.
sorry - just my honest opinions here.
wishing you the best,
chicory

wanttobehealthy

I found a letter from 5 yrs ago this weekend. In it my AH apologizes profusely for his awful behavior during a weekend long binge. He says he knows he put my D (now 5, then 7 months old) at risk and it will stop right then and there.

It was a BIG wake up call to find that letter.

He has apologized as sincerely, as vehemently, etc... soooo many times since and made all the same promises he made back then and you know what's happened?

NOTHING.

He's kept none of the promises, the apologies have given way to new excuses, rationalizations etc... to drink and behave exactly as he did.

All that's changed is we brought another D into the world, I was stressed out of my mind during her pregnancy and she's got behavioral issues that I blame myself for bc of what I subjected her to in utero and as soon as she was born (being screamed at at 5 days old for ex by her drunk father).

I am sure your H is apologetic, I am sure he says it will be different. I am sure you are scared and freaking out that you are having a baby in 11 weeks and have a toddler and asking how you could do it alone.

Let me ask this... How can you not? Right now I can not stand the sight of myself bc of what I subjected my girls to; now they are having promises broken that are made by their father, they are confused, scared, anxious and sad. I am watching my AH's behavior that I thought impacted only me, seriously impacting the girls. The best chance you have for a life WITH your husband is to spend time apart right now. Let him decide what he wants to do, take care of you and your kids and that's it.

I believed that I could be parent enough for my D's and make up for what their father wasn't providing when we were all living together. All that I did was cause them to learn to walk on eggshells, not ask Daddy questions when he seemed upset, be super clingy to him and regress in their talk and behavior when they are around him. They want to believe what he promises them and they keep getting hurt and sooner or later they will start to believe that it is their fault he behaves this way, just the same way he convinced me of that...

Even though I have left, the damage I did by staying is grave. You have a chance, even though it will be hard and sad and sucky, to avoid putting your kids through the pain I have put mine through.

I thought my situation was different and that I could make it work. People told me otherwise and I couldn't or didn't want to believe it.

Now I have a 5 yr old and a 3 yr old who I have a LOT of healing to do for/with because of what I did to them by staying...

Whatever pain you face now by leaving will surely be far less than the pain you will feel later, like me, when you realize what you've done to your kids...

Please just think about it -- I know it must be so hard and scary right now and I know how hard it is to change and think about leaving... I'm just sharing my experience as a mom with young kids who really, really wishes she could turn back the clock and do a lot of things differently. You have that chance now. Please be smarter than me.

coffeedrinker

NGall,

Welcome to SoberRecovery. I hope that you find the support you desire, and need, in this forum.

These are tough, tough decisions. Just always remember that you don't have to know everything, or decide everything right now today.

I would side with putting your young son as the priority in your decisions. Of course he needs a father, but his primary need is to feel safe. It's primary.

Please keep coming here, posting, and listening.

nodaybut2day

I'm with chicory: if I had to choose between my (abusive) (alcoholic) partner and my child, I choose my child. My partner was/is an adult and can choose to save himself if he wants. My child doesn't have that ability; it's my responsibility to protect her.

To me, it doesn't matter *why* the person is abusive when drunk; it matters that the person is ABUSIVE. Trying to separate the drunk husband from the sober husband is pointless; they are sides of the same person. So the person you are married to has the capacity and willingness to be VIOLENT towards you. That to me, is a deal breaker.

I know you are struggling to understand, perhaps to put the blame for this somewhere, to do the "right" thing, to "stand by him", etc. You don't have to do all that right now. IMO, right now is the time to take a BIG step back from this relationship and take care of yourself as you prepare for the birth of your second child.

You are very lucky to have an "out"; you can go to your parents. I think your plan of staying with them for a while is a sound one. It'll give you and your little ones a safe place to be while you figure things out. You don't have to file for divorce right away...As for vistation, see how your son feels about seeing his father, and if he's reluctant, I'd say wait a while. It'll obviously be a blow to this father, but hey, it's time the man live through the consequences of his actions.

Keep posting!

roxiestone

I just want to say again what someone above has said more beautifully -

You do not have to decide everything today.

Babyblue

To answer your questions, first about your son... he is scared of his daddy. Maybe when his dad actually is under a psychiatrist care then think about having him see your son AFTER you consult with AH's therapist, psychiatrist or whomever. But that is IF your husband really gets help. In the meantime, let your son be the guide.

As to your husband.... who knows if he can change. You can only give your kids as stable a home as they can have. Focus on healing right now and getting past all this hurt and trauma for yourself and the kids. Glad you are getting help. There is no reason for you to have to know everything, that is too overwhelming for anyone.

I am trying to not be 'triggered' by your story because I work with moms/kids who have been in violent situations. I just wanted to add though that sometimes moms in this situation let their emotions take over their better judgement. As much as your heart strings are pulled, minimizing the danger he is to your child and yourself will put your kids at risk. I guess the 'he is a great husband when he isn't traumatizing my child or attacking me' stuff is what gives me concern here.

Listen to your family. They have it correct. They know what a danger he is so they are trying to protect you, your family. They know that good husbands/fathers dont even entertain the fact of traumatizing their kids drunk or sober. You know this but your feelings for him and the life you envisioned may start to fog up what really is going on.

Think about contacting a DV hotline for maybe a support group or support possibly? They may have literature about kids who witness violence in the home. It is hard to reconcile the person who he appears to be as a nice sober guy with the raging anger he has while drinking but it IS the same person. He needs treatment and lots of help to get past this. Your son is now scared of his dad so that is a sign that he may also need some intervention to get past this. If you focus on your son, and your baby and yourself, you will be in a much better place regardless of what the future holds.

Stay strong!!! You can do this

SSIL75

Yes It's insane really isn't it? I mean it's just not a sane thought to take your little boy and unborn child back to an abusive man.

I do hope the therapist helps.

smacked

He has abused you, and terrorized your child. You're carrying a child now that has an opportunity to live a life without an alcoholic abuser. How is this a difficult choice?

I don't have children, but I was that kid..raised in violence, in chaos, in the cycle of sweetness and evil. And I'm entirely too triggered to lurk around posts like this where there's even a question of actually wanting to raise a child, and a baby in an alcoholic and violent home... it makes me physically ill. My heart hurts for those sweet children. I hope you find the help you're looking for.