Hit rock bottom, needing advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2
Hit rock bottom, needing advice
Hi, have been reading a lot of threads on these forums and i think ive found the right place for what i need.
(not so) Short backstory: i have been diagnosed with long-term depressive disorder, insomnia and anxiety. Have been dealing with the first two since 2006, but ive just recently moved interstate, have been here for a month, and have had problems getting medical help.
about 8 months ago i went through a big, stressful incident and my depression and insomnia returned. I have to say now that even until then, I didn't drink very often - usually a month or two between drinks - but when i did drink it was a LOT.
In the month after it happened I still wasn't drinking but I abused xanax a couple of times - first time I had, and the experience and effect it had on my friends was enough to say to myself, ill never do it again - and I havent.
I became suicidal and my friend (lets call him joe) really stuck with me trying to get me admitted to a psych ward, since he had been through his own stuff and thought it was the best option for me. after 8 hours of driving around and being rejected from everywhere we tried, I was ready to just drive full speed on the highway and into a tree. the only thing stopping me was having joe in the car. On the way back to his place we passed his old GP clinic and he asked if i wanted to try one last shot and try there. it was there I found a fantastic doctor who got me to a fantastic psychologist and for the next 2 months I was doing really well.
i then had to move away from the area and wasnt physically able to get back to them, and thought I would be ok. but a month later i had another crash, joe came and took me back to the doctor who called an ambulance and i ended up in a psychiatric ward. it was there i realised i still needed long term support and therapy.
i came out of hospital and found a girlfriend - first long term relationship for me - and after another couple of months moved interstate to where we are now. For me it was to finish my studies, for her it was to be in a city where she could flourish as a painter, and i had a referral to an accommodation/intensive support service which myself, my gp, psych and friends thought was ideal. I'm now on the waiting list but it will still be a couple of months before I get in.
In the first month coming down here everything was fine for the first week and a half, but my old clinic was not sending my medical history down, which was barring me access to my medications and access to a psychiatrist. After another few days I found out why - my old clinic had sent an invoice (to my old address) which required me to pay $27 for them to release the information. I found this out the day before easter friday - even if i had the invoice with me it wouldnt get through until the next wednesday.
I have gotten the invoice and today sent off the cheque and in the last couple of days have linked in with a GP, but the last few weeks have been a nightmare. My anxiety has increased to the point where it made going outside torturous and the only thing i had access to that made it possible was alcohol.
In the last week I was drinking nearly every day. i made a promise to my girlfriend that i would stop drinking, and then the next night broke that promise. i ended up in hospital and she and my mother had to come and pick me up.
I feel now about alcohol the way i did about xanax - the thought of what it did not just to me but the effects on my relationship just make me so ashamed and disappointed in myself, but this time its a thousand times stronger. my girlfriend has been more supportive and understanding than i deserve, and i know she will continue to support me, but i think i've destroyed our relationship. both my mother and her called joe a lot, and hes been as supportive as he could be from two states away, but i know everyone around me is angry, disappointed and hurt, and justifiably so.
through the hospital i received my medication and my anxiety is better but i feel like i've ruined the relationships most important to me. i'm now seeing a GP, my medical history will be transferred in 2 days and I will be able to see a psych. i'm glad its finally happening but i dont know what to do about my relationships. joe wont talk to me anymore, my mother is shattered by whats happened and i've lost the girl who has been good enough to share her love with me. all i know is with time i can prove i can get through this but i'm finding it incredibly difficult dealing day to day with what ive put the people i love through.
sorry to be so long-winded, but i've called a lot of help lines, all of which have been unhelpful, and without being able to see a psych yet i have nobody else to talk to.
(not so) Short backstory: i have been diagnosed with long-term depressive disorder, insomnia and anxiety. Have been dealing with the first two since 2006, but ive just recently moved interstate, have been here for a month, and have had problems getting medical help.
about 8 months ago i went through a big, stressful incident and my depression and insomnia returned. I have to say now that even until then, I didn't drink very often - usually a month or two between drinks - but when i did drink it was a LOT.
In the month after it happened I still wasn't drinking but I abused xanax a couple of times - first time I had, and the experience and effect it had on my friends was enough to say to myself, ill never do it again - and I havent.
I became suicidal and my friend (lets call him joe) really stuck with me trying to get me admitted to a psych ward, since he had been through his own stuff and thought it was the best option for me. after 8 hours of driving around and being rejected from everywhere we tried, I was ready to just drive full speed on the highway and into a tree. the only thing stopping me was having joe in the car. On the way back to his place we passed his old GP clinic and he asked if i wanted to try one last shot and try there. it was there I found a fantastic doctor who got me to a fantastic psychologist and for the next 2 months I was doing really well.
i then had to move away from the area and wasnt physically able to get back to them, and thought I would be ok. but a month later i had another crash, joe came and took me back to the doctor who called an ambulance and i ended up in a psychiatric ward. it was there i realised i still needed long term support and therapy.
i came out of hospital and found a girlfriend - first long term relationship for me - and after another couple of months moved interstate to where we are now. For me it was to finish my studies, for her it was to be in a city where she could flourish as a painter, and i had a referral to an accommodation/intensive support service which myself, my gp, psych and friends thought was ideal. I'm now on the waiting list but it will still be a couple of months before I get in.
In the first month coming down here everything was fine for the first week and a half, but my old clinic was not sending my medical history down, which was barring me access to my medications and access to a psychiatrist. After another few days I found out why - my old clinic had sent an invoice (to my old address) which required me to pay $27 for them to release the information. I found this out the day before easter friday - even if i had the invoice with me it wouldnt get through until the next wednesday.
I have gotten the invoice and today sent off the cheque and in the last couple of days have linked in with a GP, but the last few weeks have been a nightmare. My anxiety has increased to the point where it made going outside torturous and the only thing i had access to that made it possible was alcohol.
In the last week I was drinking nearly every day. i made a promise to my girlfriend that i would stop drinking, and then the next night broke that promise. i ended up in hospital and she and my mother had to come and pick me up.
I feel now about alcohol the way i did about xanax - the thought of what it did not just to me but the effects on my relationship just make me so ashamed and disappointed in myself, but this time its a thousand times stronger. my girlfriend has been more supportive and understanding than i deserve, and i know she will continue to support me, but i think i've destroyed our relationship. both my mother and her called joe a lot, and hes been as supportive as he could be from two states away, but i know everyone around me is angry, disappointed and hurt, and justifiably so.
through the hospital i received my medication and my anxiety is better but i feel like i've ruined the relationships most important to me. i'm now seeing a GP, my medical history will be transferred in 2 days and I will be able to see a psych. i'm glad its finally happening but i dont know what to do about my relationships. joe wont talk to me anymore, my mother is shattered by whats happened and i've lost the girl who has been good enough to share her love with me. all i know is with time i can prove i can get through this but i'm finding it incredibly difficult dealing day to day with what ive put the people i love through.
sorry to be so long-winded, but i've called a lot of help lines, all of which have been unhelpful, and without being able to see a psych yet i have nobody else to talk to.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hi Stewart
If it helps, I drank for a lot longer than you have and my relationships have proved remarkably resilient
It may take a little time to rebuild those bridges but you can and you will - as long as you stay off the booze - it doesn't seem like it's a good thing for you at all.
You'll find a lot of support here - welcome
D
If it helps, I drank for a lot longer than you have and my relationships have proved remarkably resilient
It may take a little time to rebuild those bridges but you can and you will - as long as you stay off the booze - it doesn't seem like it's a good thing for you at all.
You'll find a lot of support here - welcome
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 39
Hi Stewart! So glad you came here for support. I too go through depressive states and drinking is not my friend, to put it lightly. Seems in your case, the Dr. route is best. Glad that seems to be in the works. As far as the past and possible broken relationships...It is my opinion only....I feel these things are all just chapters in our lives that are there for a reason. Cliche, I know. But I deeply belive that. The only thing we can do is try and make amends and then it is in their hands. Whether these people come back to us or not...is then left up to what is supposed to happen. We can only do our part and the rest is out of our control. There are many more people out there that can not 'replace' the ones that don't come back...but help fill in the gaps. You just may haven't met them just yet.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 93
Stewart- Sorry you are going through a very dark patch, though it seems like you are taking appropriate action. I would bet that once you start to mend yourself and steer your life in the direct of healing, those folks around you will take notice. If they cared enough to do all that they have already done, they want to be in your life. Trust is a hard thing to build and an easy thing to destroy, however in my experience it there is love present, there will be an opportunity to rebuild. Work on yourself first and the rest will become clearer.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 9
relationships are tough when the disease of addiction is involved. consequences of this is that trust is destroyed.
it is impossible for someone who doesnt suffer from the disease of addiction to comprehend why an addict acts as they do in active addiction - we have a hard time accepting the powerlessness let alone someone sitting on the other side of the fence.
give yourself a break. work on loving you and getting yourself back into a healthy recovery. you have no control over someone else, its the harsh reality but this mindset will set you free
learn to love yourself, as you can't love someone else if you dont even love yourself
im struggling with relationship problems myself, all to do with my addiction and my destructive actions - its hard man, I know the pain
i wish you peace and serenity
it is impossible for someone who doesnt suffer from the disease of addiction to comprehend why an addict acts as they do in active addiction - we have a hard time accepting the powerlessness let alone someone sitting on the other side of the fence.
give yourself a break. work on loving you and getting yourself back into a healthy recovery. you have no control over someone else, its the harsh reality but this mindset will set you free
learn to love yourself, as you can't love someone else if you dont even love yourself
im struggling with relationship problems myself, all to do with my addiction and my destructive actions - its hard man, I know the pain
i wish you peace and serenity
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2
thanks everyone so much for the replies. i know i'm taking the right steps and trying to move forward and i know ill get forgiveness from joe and my mum but as i said this is my first serious relationship. right now we are housesitting for another couple and will be here for a couple of months and right now i find it hard to even look her in the eyes. i've kind of talked about it with her and because we've already been through our own stuff and supported each other this is the first time i've done something that directly affected her. and i know she's a very caring person and she hasnt said that she wants out of the relationship, that she still wants to be there for me, but i fear she's just sticking with me out of some sense of responsibility and that as soon as she can she'll go her own way. but like you've said it will take time to rebuild the relationship so who knows.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 122
Now is definitely the time to get help and try to stop, while you still have someone in your life that cares. Don't make the mistake I did. Trying to stop this stuff when you are on your own is darn hard.
Despite a lot of prejudice from people who have not experienced it, depression, especially when leading to suicidal thoughts, is a legitimate medical condition. Don't ever be afraid to ask for treatment.
Best wishes and thanks for posting your experiences.
Despite a lot of prejudice from people who have not experienced it, depression, especially when leading to suicidal thoughts, is a legitimate medical condition. Don't ever be afraid to ask for treatment.
Best wishes and thanks for posting your experiences.
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