Wanting to fix...end up being the enabler for his family... and sh* disturber... ;(
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Wanting to fix...end up being the enabler for his family... and sh* disturber... ;(
So my mother-in-law "wants nothing to do" with my (R)AH (her son), yet when I call and chat with her, she asks how he's doing in this somewhat "I know he's going to relapse" sarcastic tone of voice.
I tell her he's doing okay... that he's taking his bipolar meds again, etc. to which she then says "Has he found a job?" (heavy sarcasm). I told her the other week that his plan was to start in a week from now. I'm hoping he will do as he says (quack?) but I'm trying to focus on myself right now. He's got to live with the consequences if he doesn't. However, she just can't seem to wait until he fecks up and is just waiting for that moment.
She then starts going off on two weeks back when her step daughter saw him in a bar with another guy (after he left treatment). In my head I'm thinking "We already talked about this... what good is it constantly rehashing this story?" It was almost like she ENJOYED talking about him screwing up...
she blathered: "He was so hammered ... the bartender cut him and this other guy off... (stepdaughter) thought that this other guy was gay... and I said I didn't want to have any images of that in my head." She even somewhat alluded that she wouldn't have put it past (R)AH do do something like that. I was shocked and disgusted. Shocked about what she was alluding to and disgusted because she seemed to think that it happened (or wouldn't be surprised if it did). Even in (R)AH's darkest moments, she never said crap like this... and now... it's like anything goes.
I said goodbye to her then and wished her a good week because I just don't want to talk to her for a while. ;(
(I really don't think (R)AH is gay... or that anything happened) BUT I started obsessing and worrying "what if?" --- so I called (R)AH. (THIS IS WHERE I JUST MESSED IT UP) I said I had just called his mum to say hi and that she had mentioned (see above).
He was FURIOUS and started yelling and shouting. He ended up hanging up on me 3x and said he was going to call his mum to tell her if she wanted to start rumours etc., that perhaps she should call him and ask the source.
He calmed down 20 min later and said he's really angry that his mum and family want nothing to do with him, yet, they seem really keen on gossiping behind his back and slagging him off, talking about stuff that isn't even correct but still refuse to talk to him directly.
I know his family has been through the ringer with my husband's addiction and mental illness for MANY years and they are sick and tired. However, I do think he has a point that the gossiping has to stop (me included). I THINK I'm helping by giving his mum info. on his progress (or not), but I'm just feeding into the rumour mill and making it easy for them to judge and sit there 'detatched' but still be connected with what's happening with his life.
I do know though (which is really sad), that if (R)AH was to relapse tomorrow and disappear, she would be calling me every day worried, crying and telling me that he's her baby... (she's called me drunk a few times because HE's driven her to drink too much... or HE's stressed her out so much that she can't do much of anything).
However, once he's in good hands (ie: treatment, or trying to live soberly, she wants nothing to do with him). She puts on this huge "I know he's going to relapse eventually" front and then judges his every move, until he eventually does and then tells me "I told you so..."
She then proceeded this eve to say "I am so furious with him, I don't want to even see him for at least a year..." etc. --
I then told her he tried going by her place the other day when he was going to a physio appt. and said to her "If you don't want to see him, then you are going to have to tell him yourself. I'm not going to say anything to him about that at all. It's between you two, not me."
She went totally quiet and I could tell she DID NOT like my answer and then said that she had already told him this already. (Well, she can tell him again then... to his face), which I honestly don't think she can. She'll prob. just give him the cold shoulder and say really hurtful things to him...
I promised (R)AH that I would not talk about him any more to his family and that if his mum or anyone wants to know how he's doing, they can pick up the phone and see for themselves. I put myself in his shoes for a sec and saw that if I was being talked about in a mean way by my family without them coming to me about their thoughts/feelings, I would also be really pissed as well.
I guess from this post, I'm trying to decipher his family's position and their frame of mind. It seems as though they have 'detatched' with LOATHING, not LOVE... and I feel I'm in the middle of all of it.
Time for me to step back and do what I say I'm going to do. Stop engaging them into this gossip and keep working on my own program (anxiety treatment, mental health, school etc).
Q: Has any of you had this kind of experience with your addicted loved one's family... where you just feel absolutely alone in all of this?
I tell her he's doing okay... that he's taking his bipolar meds again, etc. to which she then says "Has he found a job?" (heavy sarcasm). I told her the other week that his plan was to start in a week from now. I'm hoping he will do as he says (quack?) but I'm trying to focus on myself right now. He's got to live with the consequences if he doesn't. However, she just can't seem to wait until he fecks up and is just waiting for that moment.
She then starts going off on two weeks back when her step daughter saw him in a bar with another guy (after he left treatment). In my head I'm thinking "We already talked about this... what good is it constantly rehashing this story?" It was almost like she ENJOYED talking about him screwing up...
she blathered: "He was so hammered ... the bartender cut him and this other guy off... (stepdaughter) thought that this other guy was gay... and I said I didn't want to have any images of that in my head." She even somewhat alluded that she wouldn't have put it past (R)AH do do something like that. I was shocked and disgusted. Shocked about what she was alluding to and disgusted because she seemed to think that it happened (or wouldn't be surprised if it did).
Even in (R)AH's darkest moments, she never said crap like this... and now... it's like anything goes.I said goodbye to her then and wished her a good week because I just don't want to talk to her for a while. ;(
(I really don't think (R)AH is gay... or that anything happened) BUT I started obsessing and worrying "what if?" --- so I called (R)AH. (THIS IS WHERE I JUST MESSED IT UP) I said I had just called his mum to say hi and that she had mentioned (see above).
He was FURIOUS and started yelling and shouting. He ended up hanging up on me 3x and said he was going to call his mum to tell her if she wanted to start rumours etc., that perhaps she should call him and ask the source.
He calmed down 20 min later and said he's really angry that his mum and family want nothing to do with him, yet, they seem really keen on gossiping behind his back and slagging him off, talking about stuff that isn't even correct but still refuse to talk to him directly.
I know his family has been through the ringer with my husband's addiction and mental illness for MANY years and they are sick and tired. However, I do think he has a point that the gossiping has to stop (me included). I THINK I'm helping by giving his mum info. on his progress (or not), but I'm just feeding into the rumour mill and making it easy for them to judge and sit there 'detatched' but still be connected with what's happening with his life.
I do know though (which is really sad), that if (R)AH was to relapse tomorrow and disappear, she would be calling me every day worried, crying and telling me that he's her baby... (she's called me drunk a few times because HE's driven her to drink too much... or HE's stressed her out so much that she can't do much of anything).
However, once he's in good hands (ie: treatment, or trying to live soberly, she wants nothing to do with him). She puts on this huge "I know he's going to relapse eventually" front and then judges his every move, until he eventually does and then tells me "I told you so..."
She then proceeded this eve to say "I am so furious with him, I don't want to even see him for at least a year..." etc. --
I then told her he tried going by her place the other day when he was going to a physio appt. and said to her "If you don't want to see him, then you are going to have to tell him yourself. I'm not going to say anything to him about that at all. It's between you two, not me."
She went totally quiet and I could tell she DID NOT like my answer and then said that she had already told him this already. (Well, she can tell him again then... to his face), which I honestly don't think she can. She'll prob. just give him the cold shoulder and say really hurtful things to him...
I promised (R)AH that I would not talk about him any more to his family and that if his mum or anyone wants to know how he's doing, they can pick up the phone and see for themselves. I put myself in his shoes for a sec and saw that if I was being talked about in a mean way by my family without them coming to me about their thoughts/feelings, I would also be really pissed as well.
I guess from this post, I'm trying to decipher his family's position and their frame of mind. It seems as though they have 'detatched' with LOATHING, not LOVE... and I feel I'm in the middle of all of it.
Time for me to step back and do what I say I'm going to do. Stop engaging them into this gossip and keep working on my own program (anxiety treatment, mental health, school etc).
Q: Has any of you had this kind of experience with your addicted loved one's family... where you just feel absolutely alone in all of this?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Hi CFOM,
Yes I sure did have experiences with my in-laws, sadly it damaged our relationship. The only contact we have now is over my son's, their grandsons, if they were not here there would be no contact, zero. Though it wasn't like the situation you are in, it was the Blaming game and terrible things were said to each other. I played my part in it, was just as guilty as they were, though at the time I didn't see it that way. As bad as it is, it all stems from the list of emotions, worry and a way of trying to protect ourselves from anymore grief, then some anger gets in there, makes for a nasty mix.
Glad you are seeing that it is time to take a step back, for what it is worth try to let it go, I know it is hard and you are right, some terrible things are being said, just sounds like Moms in an angry stage. You two were great support for each other in a time of need, I am sure she is going to be upset with herself for saying what she did.
Rose
Yes I sure did have experiences with my in-laws, sadly it damaged our relationship. The only contact we have now is over my son's, their grandsons, if they were not here there would be no contact, zero. Though it wasn't like the situation you are in, it was the Blaming game and terrible things were said to each other. I played my part in it, was just as guilty as they were, though at the time I didn't see it that way. As bad as it is, it all stems from the list of emotions, worry and a way of trying to protect ourselves from anymore grief, then some anger gets in there, makes for a nasty mix.
Glad you are seeing that it is time to take a step back, for what it is worth try to let it go, I know it is hard and you are right, some terrible things are being said, just sounds like Moms in an angry stage. You two were great support for each other in a time of need, I am sure she is going to be upset with herself for saying what she did.
Rose
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
You are so right! Yes, emotions run high when we worry about addicted loved ones and sometimes things are said and felt because of all the drama that has unfolded over months/years...
... She has been a great support and hopefully I have with her as well. I was rethinking things too and see that although gossip is not the answer, my (R)AH should realize that he's put his family through so much crap, they are at their wits end just on edge and worried that yet again, he'll go off.
It's now time that I have grace for my inlaws... and grace for myself... and also stop listening to the 'poor me...why are you guys picking on me' of my (R)AH.
You're the bestest Rose.
Hugs!
... She has been a great support and hopefully I have with her as well. I was rethinking things too and see that although gossip is not the answer, my (R)AH should realize that he's put his family through so much crap, they are at their wits end just on edge and worried that yet again, he'll go off.
It's now time that I have grace for my inlaws... and grace for myself... and also stop listening to the 'poor me...why are you guys picking on me' of my (R)AH.
You're the bestest Rose.
Hugs!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Well..I kind of see things like this..when you are an addict you create tons of chaos and drama..you can't just decide when everyone else is supposed to stop talking about or remebering the things you did..all these things are the consequences of addiction.In recovery they teach the addicts how to move on even when others still have their VERY valid doubts, and how to take responsibility for the harm they have caused.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 37
Mean what you say, but don't say it meanly. Sounds like your MIL forgot this very sound advice.
I think you did right by pulling back from her. Don't put yourself in the middle. It's hard enough living with an addict without trying to mediate all the family's problems.
I think you did right by pulling back from her. Don't put yourself in the middle. It's hard enough living with an addict without trying to mediate all the family's problems.
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