GettingBy

We got an invitation to my AH's business partners wedding... May 29. AH asked me if I wanted to go... and prefaced it with..."I will be having drinks."

I dont know what to do. I'd like to go because I am friends with his partner... and even moreso with partners future wife. Her and I have become good friends so is like to be there for her.....


But... ugh, the whole stupid AH and his drinking.... and the fact that we are now in the process of divorce.


I'm open to all thoughts and suggestions! Lay it on me!!!

kdr143

call your sponsor.

concernednurse

I have a similar situation, but backwards!! My ABF and I are invited to a wedding and I'm the maid of honor. I was so distraught about the possibility of him drinking i had to talk to my therapist. She told me to make it his choice. If he wants to come with me, he is welcome to choose to come, but he will be expected not to drink. Or, he can choose not to go. Either way, I would respect his decision. It remains his choice, and I do not have to be subjected to the drinking either way.

It's also your choice. You can choose to go, knowing that he will be drinking, and accept the consequences of that choice, or you can choose not to go. I'm sure you'll make the right choice for you!! Good luck, GettingBy.... I struggled with this one for a long time!!

sandrawg

And do you think he will respect that expectation?

sandrawg

Ditto.

Anytime I got myself in situations where my exabf would be drinking, I always regretted it. Either because i got embarrassed by something he said or did, or because I got a nasty temper tantrum afterwards, over nothing.

lyssabee

Or he can choose to go then go back on his word. If he drinks, then what?

Sorry GettingBy - I only responded to CN. Could you go without him - I mean you would both be there, but not together? That's what I would do, if I wanted to go.

Jazzman

You can't get divorced part time. Send consistent signals.

GettingBy

Thank you all for responding! I was leaning heavily toward not going. That seemed moat consistent with my statement that I don't want the drinking in my life. His text triggered some flip flopping... and actually seeing it in writing, and the responses calmed my nerves.

I am going to decline the invite and leave it at that. No further explanations needed.

Ps my sponsor said, how would seeing him drink make you feel? Would you be able to enjoy yourself? My answers were.... YUCKY/PISSY and NO!!!!

gerryP

Maybe you could go to Service only and invite the couple out to dinner once they return from their honeymoon. this way you wouldn't have to sit with your soon to be ex during the service.

kittykitty

It sounds like a night full of possible triggers...
I'm glad you sponsor asked you those questions, I was going to ask how much fun would you really have if you went, and had to watch him drink?

Even if I am faced with an opportunity to do something I really want to do, if I know there is a chance for strong triggers, I won't do it. I just can't jeopardize my recovery for one potentially fun evening.

Good choice, keep putting you first girl!

Fandy

You might want to send a nice card and gift from you alone...with a note saying you would love to see them after they get settled. specify just YOU alone not as part of the couple. If they know you are divorcing they will understand.

I don't think i could relax enought to enjoy the event in that type of a situation either...especially if you don't meet your STBXH expectations and he has had a few....let him be embarrassed/drinking on his own...

it was very hard to divide up the friends when i was divorcing...especially if one spouse starts to bad-mouth the other...I found that a lot of people chose sides....I chose to just remove myself from those situations and tried to start up new relationships/friendships....to this day, my former BIL cannot get over himself, even though my X and i buried the hachet many years ago....(i was glad we were at peace when he dropped dead at age 54).

theuncertainty

Tough spot to be in. My first thought was: Don't let your STBXAH dictate whether or not you celebrate your friends' wedding. And then I remembered my X. Ummm, no thank you, I do not want to be in any enclosed space near that man, but that's me....

There's no reason you would have to go with your STBXAH.

Could you attend the ceremony and not have to be near him? Is the event large enough that you could attend the reception and maybe avoid him? Would you be able to attend solely for your friends and completely ignore your STBXAH? Or if not ignore, then not let his drinking trigger you?

I don't mean to put you on the spot, but those are the questions I'd ask myself. I don't think I'd go if I *had* to be around him and thought I'd end up focusing on him and what he's doing instead of my friends.

Best wishes, GettingBy.

GettingBy

To answer a few of the questions/comments... Now that you all ask, i remembered that they actually had a small civil service a back in December.... AH was "best man" and I was not invited... So, I guess it's not really that important to be there after all!

Consistency is key here... We are divorcing, which i initiated... I need to make my actions match my words. No part timing the divorce (I really like that Jazzman!!)


And with that... It's no longer my "job" or problem to make sure AH goes and visits his elderly grandparents!! Now if only my MIL would listen when I tell her to please call HIM instead. I've stopped answer the phone when she calls (thank god for caller ID!)... She's a trigger, and a half.

StarCat

My thoughts are more in line with theuncertainty's.

If you really want to go, by all means, go.
And take separate cars, so you can leave when you want to, and so that you're still not sending mixed signals.

But if this were the situation I was in, it would also rely upon me not having to sit next to XABF, and being a large enough group that I could maintain my no contact with him.
That's just my situation, though.
You need to decide what works best for you.

If you do decide not to go, by all means send a gift, and an invitation to spend time together with them (and without your STBXAH) when they come back from their honeymoon. IF you want to meet up with them.


EDIT: And I didn't type fast enough.
Since you weren't invited before, then yeah, that doesn't sound like you're on the list unless you're going with STBXAH.
So by all means, don't go.
Sounds like you made your decision.

concernednurse

Yes, he typically respects requests like this- though we haven't been dealing with this whole set of circumstances very long. The bottom line is he can choose to go and not drink, or choose not to go. Those are his choices and either one I would respect. If he went and drank that would be blatant disrespect and he hasn't ever treated me that way before so I wouldn't expect it in this case either.

BobbyJ

You look like you have a headache to me...lol

Jazzman

Actually I was thinking of the kids when I say send consistent signals. Others in my social network simply didn't rate.

MyBetterWorld

Yeah, don't go.

wanttobehealthy

Is there the option of going separately? Are you close enough to his partner that you would go alone? I would not go with AH if it were me.

XXXXXXXXXX

This might also be hard. DD's father is not an alcoholic, but after we split up, we were both invited to the wedding of friends (friends that we had set up ironically). It was painful to be there seperately. Neither of us brought a date. dd was 10 months old and we tried to make the best of it, but it was awkward.

Even if you aren't "with him" you will be there to see what he is doing if he is misbehaving. It also wouldn't stop him from addressing you publically.