AbsentFriend

...took a xanax specifically to stop feeling something I didn't want to feel.

I used to post here a lot but haven't been back in awhile. Hi again.

I take .25 mg each night - a very low dose - to sleep and keep nightmares at bay. In fact, I have a Rx for .5mg a day, so I could take more, but I don't need to.

I also have it on hand for occasional "emergencies" where my heart is racing and I can't stop it - that only happens every few months. Today was one of those.

And it's so silly, the reason. Anxiety is never really about what's going on in the present moment, anyway. A lot of it, for me, is the anticipation of an outcome that I can't possibly know yet. Particularly in relationships. And negative expectations based on past experience.

Sometimes, it is also about being sad or angry and not being able to express it for various reasons. Example: I had a panic attack at work because I empathized with a client of the office so much that it made me sad myself, but I was the only administrative person there, so I couldn't let the tears out or even talk to someone to distract myself. I couldn't even go to the bathroom because there was no one to answer the phones. So emotions + feeling trapped and out of control.

Today was about a different emotion. I find myself starting to feel like I have a crush on someone that I don't want to. I have mostly resigned myself to the fact that my personality combined with my criteria may mean that I will never get married or have a partner in life. In addition to the obvious ACOA stuff, I'm vegan, and while I do have friends and family who are not even vegetarian let alone vegan, my experience so far is that I cannot share my life with a significant other who eats meat. It's not a judgment thing, it just feels as though a part of their heart or soul is either missing or not awakened to the level that I would feel comfortable sharing myself with them.

Now to the present: I have a friend who lives a 4-hour plane ride away, and is coming here to visit. I haven't seen him in 7 years. He was vegetarian long before I was, and is now vegan. Between that, the fact that he's single, and someone I can trust, I'm suddenly wondering about possibilities.

But I shouldn't because a) he's so far away, b) he's 14 years older than me (I'm 30), and c) he probably doesn't feel that way himself anyway.

So I basically want to forget about maybe liking him while at the same time looking forward to his visit :/

dbh

Thank you for sharing, AbsentFriend.

I'll confess that I too take Xanax. The exact same amount as you and for the same reasons. I got my prescription almost three years ago. My alcoholic father had suddenly reappeared in my life because he had developed dementia and couldn't live on his own anymore. No one else in my family of origin wanted to help so I did what I could to make sure he was safe. I had so many unresolved issues regarding him. I started to have full blown panic attacks - heart racing, difficulty breathing, and vomiting. It pushed me to start up therapy again and the therapist recommended Xanax.

I have to say that it got me through some really difficult times. Sometimes, just being able to get a good night's sleep makes such a difference for me. However, most of my healing came when I was willing to experience the emotions that I was trying to cover up. My dad lived four hours away from me, so I would need to stay in hotels when I was visiting him. I remember one night were I cried and cried for hours in a hotel room by myself. It was such a release. I think that there's an expression, "The only way out is through". I truly believe that.

I'm not taking the Xanax as frequently as I used to and I am working on alternative ways to reduce my anxiety and my obsessive behavior - exercise, journaling, meditation, prayer, communicating with recovery friends, etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I often wonder about the nature vs. nurture aspects of anxiety. Do I get anxious because of my genetic make-up or does the anxiety come from the home that I was raised in?

When my father was finally placed in a nursing home, he obviously couldn't drink anymore and he too started having panic attacks. Couldn't help but wonder if he was self-medicating all those years with alcohol for an underlying anxiety problem. I'm sure the dementia also played a part in his anxiety so I'll never know.

I often feel "guilty" about taking Xanax and don't talk about it much. Guess it's a drug that so many addicts abuse and people tend to quickly pass judgement.

Wishing you strength as you continue your recovery journey.

Best Wishes,

db

booksnlattes

Are you saying that someone who is not a vegan has part of his/her soul missing and is not as spiritually awakened as someone who does not eat meat and dairy?