Clean4ever

...I wanted to share about something I struggled with most of my life...."DOORMAT"....Its very simple. Allowing people to treat me anyway they want and me accepting it cause I don't want to hurt their feeling.One of the things I learned going through these Steps is this...I deserve to be treated with respect.....PERIOD....I get very angry and rightfully so because anger is neither bad or good...Its a human emotion that we all have. When someone takes advantage of me I'm angry. I can't deny my feelings of anger any longer. By stuffing my feeling I get resentful, depressed, and emotionally sick. I've been there. So here is the situation...Please bear with me...Growing up I learned that I was pretty good as a handyman. I learned unwillingly. My father taught me. I had so much anger towards this man who created so many problems for me and my family. He was a big bully. I never learned to stand up to the aggressive bully.That was my big brothers job. I alway felt if I expressed my anger I would die or murder the person. I was afraid of expressing my anger. So here is the story. My Mother and Father never asked me to do work on their house..they always 'TOLD' me what I was to do. I allowed this for years. I did his garage door, painted every room in the house, remodelled their basement, and did the kitchen floors 5 times etc etc etc...You get the idea...Anyway... today Im a 43 year old man and if nothing changes ..nothing changes...Im learning now to be a little more assertive and say no. Thats hard and I feel guilty when I speak up. My Sponsor says.."People can and will be able to deal with me saying no...Its not the end of the world" I smile because its true..He says Peter needs to do what he needs to do even if it hurts a little. So I've been practicing being more honest and assertive. That is expressing my anger in a way that does'nt step all over the other person but makes it clear what is being said..Like "I refuse to put up with that behavior"...etc..anyway...their remodelling again. So... I went to both of them one on one and said Im not doing anymore home improvement in this house so you need to get outside help.... It was hard telling my father this and I know he was very upset and probably still is. My mom has a smile on her face but inside she might be saying "how dare he not help us"...Denying anger never solves the problem. Just like the first Step of our program teaches...Denying my addiction or eating problem, if you like, never helped me...It's when I accept responsibility for my drinking or using drugs thats when I started to heal. So my father is doing the work and my mom makes little comments to make me feel guilty and try to manipulate me but I know about those little games. My Father also trys to manipulate me in different ways. But the bottom line is I feel impowered. I feel like this is my life LET me live it myself. I'm not your little dog on the leash or a puppet and your strings. Today Im a person so treat me that way. Something strange happens. When a person starts to change, for the better, people have to change with that person or the relationship will suffer. Anyway if you have read this long post thank you so much and may God bless you on your journey. Peter F

tromboneliness

There's a book called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J. Smith, that I've found very helpful -- it's my favorite "non-program program book." It's sort of a manual on systematic assertiveness training, and it has a whole bunch of exercises you can use to practice being assertive (which does not mean telling people off -- it's more like asking for what you want). Good luck!

T

EveningRose

Thanks, Peter. I hope that things go well for you. What I am struggling with is learning that when I refused to smile and put up with anything they dished out anymore, they didn't change, the relationships with my entire family are over, and I've learned that I'm not important enough to them to change.