Losing trust
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Orlando fl
Posts: 4
Losing trust
This is my first post and my first time reaching out for advice. A little over a year ago, a month or two before we married, i found multiple vodka bottles hidden around our apartment and in my husbands car. He convinced me that they were all from a long time ago and not to worry. I foolishly believed him until the bottles began to pop up again. I've come home to him stumbling around the courtyard of our apartment with our dogs running free. After a long talk and many tears he said that was it. Months later When I went to my cousins funeral states away I was interrupted by a call from his work because he never showed. After a long talk with myself and his own mother he said that was it. I've tried to get him into therapy, but he went twice and complained it was too expensive. We drink recreationally together, but it's when he's alone that he gets "bored" or "anxious" and turns to drinking. I'm a social drinker and his is a problem I have such a hard time understanding. Tonight he came home drunk from work and admitted to drinking all night while working, after months of no secret drinking. The worst part is that I feel so personally attacked and unloved when he does this that I get selfish and threaten to leave. But he says he needs my support and I want to be there for him so I always stay. I'm an educated, successful woman and this situation makes me feel like a fool. How can I help him? Should we not drink anymore?
Should i just be understanding that he's going to have relapses now and again or not put up with it at all??
Thank you so much just for listening. Even just getting it all out of me feels like a step in the right direction.
Should i just be understanding that he's going to have relapses now and again or not put up with it at all??
Thank you so much just for listening. Even just getting it all out of me feels like a step in the right direction.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi and WELCOME TO SR! I'm glad you've found us; there's a lot of experience and support to be had here.
As for your question:
You can help him by helping yourself. I strongly advise finding an Al-Anon meeting near you and attending a few times. Having face to face support is invaluable.
As for "being understanding"...well, that's entirely up to you. From the sounds of your post, you have a problem with his drinking. That's all that matters. This is YOUR relationship and you can decide what you find acceptable or not. Perhaps it is time for you to reflect and make a list of the things you will and will not accept.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but I'm glad you've found your way to SR. Keep reading and posting as much as you like. SR is always open.
As for your question:
Originally Posted by Amandab83 
How can I help him? Should we not drink anymore? Should i just be understanding that he's going to have relapses now and again or not put up with it at all??
As for "being understanding"...well, that's entirely up to you. From the sounds of your post, you have a problem with his drinking. That's all that matters. This is YOUR relationship and you can decide what you find acceptable or not. Perhaps it is time for you to reflect and make a list of the things you will and will not accept.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but I'm glad you've found your way to SR. Keep reading and posting as much as you like. SR is always open.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 21
Hi and welcome.
My mom is an alcoholic, so I'm not in the exact situation, but we all experience many of the same feelings when a loved one has this sort of problem.
I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling personally attacked or unloved. It's hard to understand how a person who loves you could do these things and hurt your relationship. In all likelihood, his drinking probably has nothing to do with you. He doens't do it to attack you or because he doesn't love you. Also, him not stopping doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It isn't selfish to threaten to or even want to leave him. It's hard to deal with someone like that, especially after they lie to you about it over and over again. It's hard to trust someone who is an alcoholic, and how can you have a relationship without trust? Yes, he obviously has a problem, but it affects you very much as well. You're also a victim in this and thinking about yourself isn't wrong. Also, we all hope that threats and ultimatums will force our loved ones to change, but it usually doesn't work that way.
As has already been mentioned, you can start to help him by helping yourself. I'm only beginning to accept that I need to seek my own recovery, so there are more experienced people who can give you more advice as far as that goes.
I suggest looking up enabling and see if you're doing any of those things. It's so easy to enable a person without ever realizing it. Maybe if you let him face his own consequences, he'll realize that he needs to stop and get help. He has to really want it for himself. It sounds like he does want to stop to make you happy, but that usually isn't enough.
As far as drinking, for a person with alcohol problems to quit, they cannot drink at all, even socially. I'm no expert, but I would think drinking socially is definitely not going to help him at all. He has to cut it out completely. This might mean that you don't drink in his presence at all, especially while he's still dealing with the problem.
Addicts have relapses, but from what you've described, I don't think he's completely over the problem to begin with.
My mom is an alcoholic, so I'm not in the exact situation, but we all experience many of the same feelings when a loved one has this sort of problem.
I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling personally attacked or unloved. It's hard to understand how a person who loves you could do these things and hurt your relationship. In all likelihood, his drinking probably has nothing to do with you. He doens't do it to attack you or because he doesn't love you. Also, him not stopping doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It isn't selfish to threaten to or even want to leave him. It's hard to deal with someone like that, especially after they lie to you about it over and over again. It's hard to trust someone who is an alcoholic, and how can you have a relationship without trust? Yes, he obviously has a problem, but it affects you very much as well. You're also a victim in this and thinking about yourself isn't wrong. Also, we all hope that threats and ultimatums will force our loved ones to change, but it usually doesn't work that way.
As has already been mentioned, you can start to help him by helping yourself. I'm only beginning to accept that I need to seek my own recovery, so there are more experienced people who can give you more advice as far as that goes.
I suggest looking up enabling and see if you're doing any of those things. It's so easy to enable a person without ever realizing it. Maybe if you let him face his own consequences, he'll realize that he needs to stop and get help. He has to really want it for himself. It sounds like he does want to stop to make you happy, but that usually isn't enough.
As far as drinking, for a person with alcohol problems to quit, they cannot drink at all, even socially. I'm no expert, but I would think drinking socially is definitely not going to help him at all. He has to cut it out completely. This might mean that you don't drink in his presence at all, especially while he's still dealing with the problem.
Addicts have relapses, but from what you've described, I don't think he's completely over the problem to begin with.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Welcome... I can't speak for others but I can tell you I've been there-- wondering how I can be educated and in such a situation with someone so out of control, feeling his drinking and lying is being done to me or because of me (and when I've fought, begged, cried for him to stop he tells me what I'm already telling myself- that it's my fault).
It's not your fault, he's not doing it because of you, he's not going to stop if you find a way to be the perfect wife (been there, done that and all that happened is I made myself sick trying to mold myself into whatever he told me to be). He's an alcoholic. He's behaving exactly as you can expect an alcoholic to behave and it sucks and is heartbreaking bc you can't be in a healthy relationship with someone (or at least I can't) whose first priority- whether he realizes it or not- is his addiction.
To your "should I be understanding that he will have relapses now and then?" I guess the answer is, do you want to? I've found I can't be. I can't listen to claims of taking recovery seriously and deal with regular relapses and not have anything change after each relapse except that the same promises get made and broken over and over. I posted something on here a while back asking if relapsing was a normal part of recovery bc I thought it was (based on what AH told me). I asked this on the alcoholics board too. I was told in no uncertain terms that repeated relapses are definitely not a part of recovery-- they are however a part of active addiction and a sign that someone does not want to stop drinking yet. That said, I imagine that there are people who are able to detach, stay physically together with their A spouse/partner and find a way to live with the ups and downs whether there is recovery or not. I tried to believe I could do that but I can't but that doesn't mean you can't. I think you should ask yourself whether you can accept relapses and accept your H just as he is right now- if nothing were to change at all- would you be okay with that?
Do you have any al anon meetings close to you? Maybe try it out-- do you have a therapist?
I'm glad you're here....
It's not your fault, he's not doing it because of you, he's not going to stop if you find a way to be the perfect wife (been there, done that and all that happened is I made myself sick trying to mold myself into whatever he told me to be). He's an alcoholic. He's behaving exactly as you can expect an alcoholic to behave and it sucks and is heartbreaking bc you can't be in a healthy relationship with someone (or at least I can't) whose first priority- whether he realizes it or not- is his addiction.
To your "should I be understanding that he will have relapses now and then?" I guess the answer is, do you want to? I've found I can't be. I can't listen to claims of taking recovery seriously and deal with regular relapses and not have anything change after each relapse except that the same promises get made and broken over and over. I posted something on here a while back asking if relapsing was a normal part of recovery bc I thought it was (based on what AH told me). I asked this on the alcoholics board too. I was told in no uncertain terms that repeated relapses are definitely not a part of recovery-- they are however a part of active addiction and a sign that someone does not want to stop drinking yet. That said, I imagine that there are people who are able to detach, stay physically together with their A spouse/partner and find a way to live with the ups and downs whether there is recovery or not. I tried to believe I could do that but I can't but that doesn't mean you can't. I think you should ask yourself whether you can accept relapses and accept your H just as he is right now- if nothing were to change at all- would you be okay with that?
Do you have any al anon meetings close to you? Maybe try it out-- do you have a therapist?
I'm glad you're here....
Originally Posted by Amandab83
This is my first post and my first time reaching out for advice. A little over a year ago, a month or two before we married, i found multiple vodka bottles hidden around our apartment and in my husbands car. He convinced me that they were all from a long time ago and not to worry. I foolishly believed him until the bottles began to pop up again. I've come home to him stumbling around the courtyard of our apartment with our dogs running free. After a long talk and many tears he said that was it. Months later When I went to my cousins funeral states away I was interrupted by a call from his work because he never showed. After a long talk with myself and his own mother he said that was it. I've tried to get him into therapy, but he went twice and complained it was too expensive. We drink recreationally together, but it's when he's alone that he gets "bored" or "anxious" and turns to drinking. I'm a social drinker and his is a problem I have such a hard time understanding. Tonight he came home drunk from work and admitted to drinking all night while working, after months of no secret drinking. The worst part is that I feel so personally attacked and unloved when he does this that I get selfish and threaten to leave. But he says he needs my support and I want to be there for him so I always stay. I'm an educated, successful woman and this situation makes me feel like a fool. How can I help him? Should we not drink anymore?
Should i just be understanding that he's going to have relapses now and again or not put up with it at all??
Thank you so much just for listening. Even just getting it all out of me feels like a step in the right direction.
Should i just be understanding that he's going to have relapses now and again or not put up with it at all??
Thank you so much just for listening. Even just getting it all out of me feels like a step in the right direction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Find a ALANON class in your area. You can google search them.
Sitting in a class room, gives you visual support, physical support
emotional support and a group of people who have walked in your shoes
that understand your thoughts, without you even having to say a word.
You will find, that they are the only ones who will understand what your
going thru emotionally, physically,and spiritually.
Do yourself the BIGGEST favor ever...FIND A CLASS
They offer different day,times and locations. Some classes are small and
some may be big. But you will walk out of there, with a treasure to help
you survive what your walking thru now..
It will get worse, alcohol is a progressing diesase. It does not stop!!
No matter what he says...He is the only one who can fix himself and
your the only one who can fix you...PLEASE do it..Go fix yourself...
Keep on reading on this site. You may not think alot of the post apply
to you, but once you begin to read some of them, you will hear
your not alone and ALOT of us have supported the Vodka industry...
I have ran to classes and I have ran to this site and I have ran into
churches when my heart was falling out & my life was so out of control.
You must find help for yourself now!!
Leave him behind..He is an adult. He knows where to go & what to do..
Take care of YOU!!!
Sitting in a class room, gives you visual support, physical support
emotional support and a group of people who have walked in your shoes
that understand your thoughts, without you even having to say a word.
You will find, that they are the only ones who will understand what your
going thru emotionally, physically,and spiritually.
Do yourself the BIGGEST favor ever...FIND A CLASS
They offer different day,times and locations. Some classes are small and
some may be big. But you will walk out of there, with a treasure to help
you survive what your walking thru now..
It will get worse, alcohol is a progressing diesase. It does not stop!!
No matter what he says...He is the only one who can fix himself and
your the only one who can fix you...PLEASE do it..Go fix yourself...
Keep on reading on this site. You may not think alot of the post apply
to you, but once you begin to read some of them, you will hear
your not alone and ALOT of us have supported the Vodka industry...
I have ran to classes and I have ran to this site and I have ran into
churches when my heart was falling out & my life was so out of control.
You must find help for yourself now!!
Leave him behind..He is an adult. He knows where to go & what to do..
Take care of YOU!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
First off..it is not being selfish to not want to be attacked!
It's called self-respect.
When my exabf got drunk, he subjected me to some crazy situations. Verbally abused me. Smashed my phone. Was violent. Was I selfish to want to avoid dealing with that anymore??? Of course not! Neither are you.
The thing is, I talked until my face turned blue, to my exabf about the drinking. It had no effect. He'd make efforts to "cut down" but it always went back to binge drinking. Because I had no interest in putting myself at risk any longer, I had to say, stop drinking or I walk.
He let me walk.
See, an alcoholic is not gonna get clean until he's ready and usu they have to hit some sort of bottom. Losing a job. Losing their spouse. Financial ruin. Even THEN...even then they may not hit bottom.
And many of them can go a LONG time this way. I had a friend in my 20s who my group of friends could see was clearly developing a drinking problem. Now he lives in Arkansas with his mother. No job, no activities other than getting wasted and posting nonsensical things on his facebook wall.
Frankly, I could not believe he was even still alive, given how much he drinks. But he's 43 and still doing the same-I guess his mother enables him by letting him live with her. It's very sad.
Persoonally, I could no longer go to bars with my ex, once I realized he had a problem. To me, that was enabling. He didn't care-he'd just go without me, and we fought over it.
I can't tell you what to do but I highly suggest you check out an al-anon meeting in your area. People who love alcoholics are a unique set of creatures, and only someone who's walked your path can truly understand what you're going through. That is one of the blessings of al-anon.
And keep posting here. the warmth and wisdom is so wonderful!
It's called self-respect.
When my exabf got drunk, he subjected me to some crazy situations. Verbally abused me. Smashed my phone. Was violent. Was I selfish to want to avoid dealing with that anymore??? Of course not! Neither are you.
The thing is, I talked until my face turned blue, to my exabf about the drinking. It had no effect. He'd make efforts to "cut down" but it always went back to binge drinking. Because I had no interest in putting myself at risk any longer, I had to say, stop drinking or I walk.
He let me walk.
See, an alcoholic is not gonna get clean until he's ready and usu they have to hit some sort of bottom. Losing a job. Losing their spouse. Financial ruin. Even THEN...even then they may not hit bottom.
And many of them can go a LONG time this way. I had a friend in my 20s who my group of friends could see was clearly developing a drinking problem. Now he lives in Arkansas with his mother. No job, no activities other than getting wasted and posting nonsensical things on his facebook wall.
Frankly, I could not believe he was even still alive, given how much he drinks. But he's 43 and still doing the same-I guess his mother enables him by letting him live with her. It's very sad.
Persoonally, I could no longer go to bars with my ex, once I realized he had a problem. To me, that was enabling. He didn't care-he'd just go without me, and we fought over it.
I can't tell you what to do but I highly suggest you check out an al-anon meeting in your area. People who love alcoholics are a unique set of creatures, and only someone who's walked your path can truly understand what you're going through. That is one of the blessings of al-anon.
And keep posting here. the warmth and wisdom is so wonderful!
Originally Posted by Amandab83
The worst part is that I feel so personally attacked and unloved when he does this that I get selfish and threaten to leave. But he says he needs my support and I want to be there for him so I always stay. I'm an educated, successful woman and this situation makes me feel like a fool. How can I help him? Should we not drink anymore?
.
.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
And btw from what i've seen and learned from my recovering alcoholic friends, relapse is a lot more guaranteed when the alcoholic is NOT working a program of recovery...
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
Welcome... I can't speak for others but I can tell you I've been there-- wondering how I can be educated and in such a situation with someone so out of control, feeling his drinking and lying is being done to me or because of me (and when I've fought, begged, cried for him to stop he tells me what I'm already telling myself- that it's my fault).
It's not your fault, he's not doing it because of you, he's not going to stop if you find a way to be the perfect wife (been there, done that and all that happened is I made myself sick trying to mold myself into whatever he told me to be). He's an alcoholic. He's behaving exactly as you can expect an alcoholic to behave and it sucks and is heartbreaking bc you can't be in a healthy relationship with someone (or at least I can't) whose first priority- whether he realizes it or not- is his addiction.
To your "should I be understanding that he will have relapses now and then?" I guess the answer is, do you want to? I've found I can't be. I can't listen to claims of taking recovery seriously and deal with regular relapses and not have anything change after each relapse except that the same promises get made and broken over and over. I posted something on here a while back asking if relapsing was a normal part of recovery bc I thought it was (based on what AH told me). I asked this on the alcoholics board too. I was told in no uncertain terms that repeated relapses are definitely not a part of recovery-- they are however a part of active addiction and a sign that someone does not want to stop drinking yet. That said, I imagine that there are people who are able to detach, stay physically together with their A spouse/partner and find a way to live with the ups and downs whether there is recovery or not. I tried to believe I could do that but I can't but that doesn't mean you can't. I think you should ask yourself whether you can accept relapses and accept your H just as he is right now- if nothing were to change at all- would you be okay with that?
Do you have any al anon meetings close to you? Maybe try it out-- do you have a therapist?
I'm glad you're here....
It's not your fault, he's not doing it because of you, he's not going to stop if you find a way to be the perfect wife (been there, done that and all that happened is I made myself sick trying to mold myself into whatever he told me to be). He's an alcoholic. He's behaving exactly as you can expect an alcoholic to behave and it sucks and is heartbreaking bc you can't be in a healthy relationship with someone (or at least I can't) whose first priority- whether he realizes it or not- is his addiction.
To your "should I be understanding that he will have relapses now and then?" I guess the answer is, do you want to? I've found I can't be. I can't listen to claims of taking recovery seriously and deal with regular relapses and not have anything change after each relapse except that the same promises get made and broken over and over. I posted something on here a while back asking if relapsing was a normal part of recovery bc I thought it was (based on what AH told me). I asked this on the alcoholics board too. I was told in no uncertain terms that repeated relapses are definitely not a part of recovery-- they are however a part of active addiction and a sign that someone does not want to stop drinking yet. That said, I imagine that there are people who are able to detach, stay physically together with their A spouse/partner and find a way to live with the ups and downs whether there is recovery or not. I tried to believe I could do that but I can't but that doesn't mean you can't. I think you should ask yourself whether you can accept relapses and accept your H just as he is right now- if nothing were to change at all- would you be okay with that?
Do you have any al anon meetings close to you? Maybe try it out-- do you have a therapist?
I'm glad you're here....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Orlando fl
Posts: 4
I can't express how much your kind words and help means to me. This has been a very rude awakening for me this week, realizing that the battle I thought was won is very Much still in progress. It breaks my heart to watch my husband hurt himself and the beautiful life we've built together. He is the sweetest most thoughtful person I've ever known and it makes my threats to leave until he's recovered never come to fruition. We did make an appointment for couples therapy (ugh I hate the name) and I'm planning on telling him exactly how I feel. He is an alcoholic and the sooner he realizes it the better. Once again thank you thank you. I'm so glad i took the time to look up this site and find all of you.
Amanda
Amanda
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