Dealing with other people's advice and opinions.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: NSW
Posts: 29
Dealing with other people's advice and opinions.
I'm not sure if this would be considered OT or not.. but I have to say, as of late, one of the things I find I am really struggling with is everyone weighing their 2 cents in on my decision to stick by my AP and how much (or how little, as some say) I do to help him.
I'm just going to post the question up here, because I didn't realise that I would go off on this big tangent about what has happened recently:
How do you deal with everyone constantly trying to give you their opinion and/or advice on your decision to stick with and/or keep supporting your alcoholic friend/partner/family member?
I am already bringing onboard my partner's problems, the added pressure of everyone wanting to give me advice is really starting to send me over the edge.
I'll start with his best friend. A couple of months ago his best friend moved to a city about 3-4 hours away from where we live. Unfortunately, the weeks leading up to the move and during the move, my partner's drinking was really, REALLY starting to get out of hand and as you can probably guess, because of this his my partner didn't really speak or see him before he moved. We haven't even been to visit him yet.
So the months have rolled on and of course, his disease has progressed and (as I feared) is starting to get worse and worse, so naturally they are starting to lose contract. During the rare 1 or 2 days where he is sober, I will remind him to contact his friend, and he does, but without my reminder I'm sure his BF would be out of his life without him even realising it.
So amidst all of this, I am in the middle.
As you can imagine, every single day his friend is calling me, texting me, trying to squeeze the news out of me... which is fair enough. What I really dislike is when he hears a rumour from someone at work, from a mutual acquaintance, he has to run to me to get confirmation. Or he has to run to me to "dob him in", because thinks that I'm in the dark about what may be happening... or maybe he doesn't think I understand the true seriousness of my partner's problems (and if he thinks that, well, frankly I'm offended... I only cop the brunt of it EVERY FREAKIN' DAY) and is trying to "open" my eyes. Whatever he's trying to do, most days it makes me want to shut myself off from the world for a while.
I understand that he only does it out of concern (like when I think I'm helping my partner, its always with good intentions), but tonight he really struck a nerve when he started saying that my partner's mum and dad are bad parents, because after how many years trying to help him with his addictions (both to drugs and alcohol), they have had to wipe their hands of trying to help him and let him try and figure it out for himself.
As much as I love him and appreciate that he has been the only friend in my partner's life that has been there for him, that really, really, REALLY pissed me off. I am quite close to his parents and I can tell you that I have never met a family that is so loving and supportive. Even his brother in law (who grew up with an abusive alcoholic parent), is willing to stick his neck up and help him, this is how beautiful his family is... I was just awash with anger at this point.
I didn't lash out, I basically just asked him to do some research on alcoholism, speak to people who are recovering alcoholics, speak to people who have been living with/caring for someone who has been struggling with alcoholism for years, and then come back and form his opinion... so I think I handled it pretty gracefully, but the problem is that we seem to have the same conversation every couple of days.
"Why aren't his parents doing more to help him?! They need a good clip over their ears!!!" Well, if you know the solution or the way to fix it, please tell us. While he's at it, I'll get him to post it on SR.com, so we can all benefit from his knowledge... Ugh.
I'm sorry, but I figured better to be angry on here, then to lash out at him when he is only just concerned.
On the flip-side, in a way I think it kind of helps me to understand how my partner feels when I slip off track and start to nag him about his drinking. The more I can relate to how people's actions affect me, I think it is a step for me to work on my own recovery. I can't believe that I used to (and come to think of it, probably still do) say things that are equally as misinformed/infuriating.
It's not only him, my own best friend likes to weigh her opinion in, even when I explicitly say I do not wish to talk about it.
This disease is infections, it even has the power to close me up, even to my closest of friends.
She will start of with things I should try and do for him, that will "help" him get better, but will always end the conversation with "but, what if he leaves you? Aren't you afraid of being alone for the rest of your life?"... Um, thanks. Just because that may become a reality, doesn't mean I need to constantly be reminded of that fact.
Then there are the people that will always constantly just try and force you to speak about it. At this point I can really relate to my AP... if I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to talk about it. End. Of. Story. ESPECIALLY when I have just come out of my Al-Anon meeting.. then I REALLY do NOT want to talk about it.
I go to Al-Anon for a reason, to speak my piece without any judgment, without anyone trying to give me advice and to be around people that actually UNDERSTAND what it is like to be in my situation.
Anyway, I've said my piece.. thanks for letting me share.
I'm just going to post the question up here, because I didn't realise that I would go off on this big tangent about what has happened recently:
How do you deal with everyone constantly trying to give you their opinion and/or advice on your decision to stick with and/or keep supporting your alcoholic friend/partner/family member?
I am already bringing onboard my partner's problems, the added pressure of everyone wanting to give me advice is really starting to send me over the edge.
I'll start with his best friend. A couple of months ago his best friend moved to a city about 3-4 hours away from where we live. Unfortunately, the weeks leading up to the move and during the move, my partner's drinking was really, REALLY starting to get out of hand and as you can probably guess, because of this his my partner didn't really speak or see him before he moved. We haven't even been to visit him yet.
So the months have rolled on and of course, his disease has progressed and (as I feared) is starting to get worse and worse, so naturally they are starting to lose contract. During the rare 1 or 2 days where he is sober, I will remind him to contact his friend, and he does, but without my reminder I'm sure his BF would be out of his life without him even realising it.
So amidst all of this, I am in the middle.
As you can imagine, every single day his friend is calling me, texting me, trying to squeeze the news out of me... which is fair enough. What I really dislike is when he hears a rumour from someone at work, from a mutual acquaintance, he has to run to me to get confirmation. Or he has to run to me to "dob him in", because thinks that I'm in the dark about what may be happening... or maybe he doesn't think I understand the true seriousness of my partner's problems (and if he thinks that, well, frankly I'm offended... I only cop the brunt of it EVERY FREAKIN' DAY) and is trying to "open" my eyes. Whatever he's trying to do, most days it makes me want to shut myself off from the world for a while.
I understand that he only does it out of concern (like when I think I'm helping my partner, its always with good intentions), but tonight he really struck a nerve when he started saying that my partner's mum and dad are bad parents, because after how many years trying to help him with his addictions (both to drugs and alcohol), they have had to wipe their hands of trying to help him and let him try and figure it out for himself.
As much as I love him and appreciate that he has been the only friend in my partner's life that has been there for him, that really, really, REALLY pissed me off. I am quite close to his parents and I can tell you that I have never met a family that is so loving and supportive. Even his brother in law (who grew up with an abusive alcoholic parent), is willing to stick his neck up and help him, this is how beautiful his family is... I was just awash with anger at this point.
I didn't lash out, I basically just asked him to do some research on alcoholism, speak to people who are recovering alcoholics, speak to people who have been living with/caring for someone who has been struggling with alcoholism for years, and then come back and form his opinion... so I think I handled it pretty gracefully, but the problem is that we seem to have the same conversation every couple of days.
"Why aren't his parents doing more to help him?! They need a good clip over their ears!!!" Well, if you know the solution or the way to fix it, please tell us. While he's at it, I'll get him to post it on SR.com, so we can all benefit from his knowledge... Ugh.
I'm sorry, but I figured better to be angry on here, then to lash out at him when he is only just concerned.
On the flip-side, in a way I think it kind of helps me to understand how my partner feels when I slip off track and start to nag him about his drinking. The more I can relate to how people's actions affect me, I think it is a step for me to work on my own recovery. I can't believe that I used to (and come to think of it, probably still do) say things that are equally as misinformed/infuriating.
It's not only him, my own best friend likes to weigh her opinion in, even when I explicitly say I do not wish to talk about it.
This disease is infections, it even has the power to close me up, even to my closest of friends.
She will start of with things I should try and do for him, that will "help" him get better, but will always end the conversation with "but, what if he leaves you? Aren't you afraid of being alone for the rest of your life?"... Um, thanks. Just because that may become a reality, doesn't mean I need to constantly be reminded of that fact.
Then there are the people that will always constantly just try and force you to speak about it. At this point I can really relate to my AP... if I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to talk about it. End. Of. Story. ESPECIALLY when I have just come out of my Al-Anon meeting.. then I REALLY do NOT want to talk about it.
I go to Al-Anon for a reason, to speak my piece without any judgment, without anyone trying to give me advice and to be around people that actually UNDERSTAND what it is like to be in my situation.
Anyway, I've said my piece.. thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by tinabanina 
How do you deal with everyone constantly trying to give you their opinion and/or advice on your decision to stick with and/or keep supporting your alcoholic friend/partner/family member?
I come here for help. Sometimes I vent. I know several others who are doing the same as me. I also realize that even in my advanced stage of dealing with my AW, there are others who have already been there done that. I also know that a great deal of us are codies and by nature, we're trying to fix things. It's a lesson we're all learning or working on.
That said. I keep an open mind to what people have to say. I know they're speaking from their experiences. If I can gleam something from them, then that's in my control. If not, I leave it alone and don't let it bother me.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I think the way you handled his BF was good, to give him the advice to learn about alcoholism, to arm himself with information.
As far as interfacing with him, and his family, I would suggest making a few boundaries.
If they want to know what he is up to, how bad off he is, you could place the ball firmly in their (and subsequently APs) court, by stating that you would be totally open to discussing yourself and yourlife with them, but if they have issues or questions for him, they must confront him themselves. This not only draws a line around you and your involvement, but it also allows the addict to feel his own impact, to take his own hits so to speak.
If he is being sheltered from how his friends and family are viewing him, about how his disease is affecting him, he is being deprived of the right to FEEL his own pain and the discomfort that can come when being SEEN in the severe state he is in. It can be a wake up call, for his best friend to be there, to express shock and disappointment, to maybe even say, "I dont want to deal with you if you are under the influence at all...".
In the way that you interface for him, with the BF, you are enabling, to a certain degree, with all good intentions of course, but...He is not having to experience any discomfort around his own BF asking hard questions, or confronting him in a way that you cannot.
One way to do this, is if the BF calls, just hand the phone over to AP. No matter what state he is in. It is easy to sit 4 hours away and pass judgement on how someone else is dealing with something that is causing you discomfort .
he can drive back for a visit and have a face to face if he likes.
You are going to alanon, you are on your own healing path. You dont owe the BF anything. If he serves as a kind ear for you, though, be sure to take inventory about what you gain from the interactions, as well. ANd really think about whether you want to let go of that support.
As far as your best friend goes, I guess you need to make firm boundaries there, as well...
" I really appreciate your input, and I am committed to following the suggestions set forth by alanon, which is a worldwide recognized group of coping with alcoholism. They suggest I do not dwell on what if, and try to live my own life in the moment each day. I can only affect my own choices. Maybe I will choose to leave, maybe he will, but I only have control over me. So, wondering about the future does not heal me or my situation. Thanks so much."
And if she really wants to still be involved, email her an alanon link.
keep posting!
As far as interfacing with him, and his family, I would suggest making a few boundaries.
If they want to know what he is up to, how bad off he is, you could place the ball firmly in their (and subsequently APs) court, by stating that you would be totally open to discussing yourself and yourlife with them, but if they have issues or questions for him, they must confront him themselves. This not only draws a line around you and your involvement, but it also allows the addict to feel his own impact, to take his own hits so to speak.
If he is being sheltered from how his friends and family are viewing him, about how his disease is affecting him, he is being deprived of the right to FEEL his own pain and the discomfort that can come when being SEEN in the severe state he is in. It can be a wake up call, for his best friend to be there, to express shock and disappointment, to maybe even say, "I dont want to deal with you if you are under the influence at all...".
In the way that you interface for him, with the BF, you are enabling, to a certain degree, with all good intentions of course, but...He is not having to experience any discomfort around his own BF asking hard questions, or confronting him in a way that you cannot.
One way to do this, is if the BF calls, just hand the phone over to AP. No matter what state he is in. It is easy to sit 4 hours away and pass judgement on how someone else is dealing with something that is causing you discomfort .
he can drive back for a visit and have a face to face if he likes.
You are going to alanon, you are on your own healing path. You dont owe the BF anything. If he serves as a kind ear for you, though, be sure to take inventory about what you gain from the interactions, as well. ANd really think about whether you want to let go of that support.
As far as your best friend goes, I guess you need to make firm boundaries there, as well...
" I really appreciate your input, and I am committed to following the suggestions set forth by alanon, which is a worldwide recognized group of coping with alcoholism. They suggest I do not dwell on what if, and try to live my own life in the moment each day. I can only affect my own choices. Maybe I will choose to leave, maybe he will, but I only have control over me. So, wondering about the future does not heal me or my situation. Thanks so much."
And if she really wants to still be involved, email her an alanon link.
keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
okay, here it is...
Originally Posted by tinabanina
It is more the people that don't bother to do ANY research about the disease, that don't understand what is is truly like to be in my position but continue to rattle off advice (a lot, if not all, of the people I am close to have no experience dealing with an alcoholic, or the kind of relationship I am in with my partner).
Again, I understand it is coming from a place of concern, but getting told "you aren't doing enough... you are doing too much... his parents aren't doing enough, you should get them to help him more.. you should help him more... etc, etc.." every day is just making me frustrated.
I really get what you're saying tinabanina... it is frustrating to be told what to do by people who are not living it. Here's what I've done...
I have stopped talking to people who don't "get" alcoholism. All that happened when I did was I'd spin my wheels trying to get them to understand and be upset that they didn't. And to be fair, I didn't "get" alcoholism until recently even though I've lived with it for 10+ yrs, so how I can I expect people not dealing with it or people who choose to be in denial (hello in laws!) to "get it". I'd LOVE to have a wider group of face to face people to talk to who are already my close friends and who really "get" it... but wanting that and trying to get it from places I know I can't just makes me more miserable than I was to begin with...
as for dealing specifically with the family and friends of the alcoholic and hoping or expecting them to "get it". not likely to happen. my mil saw my AH drunk for 3 days straight this winter and plied him in secret with more alcohol- when i flipped out on her and asked her if she was trying to kill her son, i realized listening to myself that the answer was yes. she is willing to sacrifice her son in order to maintain the status quo and convince herself of the quacking she spouts that justifies why she stayed married to and subjected her kids to a violent alcoholic.
it's just going to go no where fast to talk to his friends and family about him. they aren't able to care and share your concern and you'll wind up more upset. trust me from lots of experience doing just this...
Originally Posted by tinabanina
It is more the people that don't bother to do ANY research about the disease, that don't understand what is is truly like to be in my position but continue to rattle off advice (a lot, if not all, of the people I am close to have no experience dealing with an alcoholic, or the kind of relationship I am in with my partner).
Again, I understand it is coming from a place of concern, but getting told "you aren't doing enough... you are doing too much... his parents aren't doing enough, you should get them to help him more.. you should help him more... etc, etc.." every day is just making me frustrated.
I really get what you're saying tinabanina... it is frustrating to be told what to do by people who are not living it. Here's what I've done...
I have stopped talking to people who don't "get" alcoholism. All that happened when I did was I'd spin my wheels trying to get them to understand and be upset that they didn't. And to be fair, I didn't "get" alcoholism until recently even though I've lived with it for 10+ yrs, so how I can I expect people not dealing with it or people who choose to be in denial (hello in laws!) to "get it". I'd LOVE to have a wider group of face to face people to talk to who are already my close friends and who really "get" it... but wanting that and trying to get it from places I know I can't just makes me more miserable than I was to begin with...
as for dealing specifically with the family and friends of the alcoholic and hoping or expecting them to "get it". not likely to happen. my mil saw my AH drunk for 3 days straight this winter and plied him in secret with more alcohol- when i flipped out on her and asked her if she was trying to kill her son, i realized listening to myself that the answer was yes. she is willing to sacrifice her son in order to maintain the status quo and convince herself of the quacking she spouts that justifies why she stayed married to and subjected her kids to a violent alcoholic.
it's just going to go no where fast to talk to his friends and family about him. they aren't able to care and share your concern and you'll wind up more upset. trust me from lots of experience doing just this...
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by tinabanina
I go to Al-Anon for a reason, to speak my piece without any judgment, without anyone trying to give me advice and to be around people that actually UNDERSTAND what it is like to be in my situation.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I look people straight in the eye and, with a soft tone and a smile, I say "I'll be sure to ask you if or when the day comes that I need your advice or opinion."
Most people backed off immediately but a few whined they were only trying to help. To them I replied, "You aren't helping me at all, you're making it worse. Please stop."
Not one person has bothered me since.
Most people backed off immediately but a few whined they were only trying to help. To them I replied, "You aren't helping me at all, you're making it worse. Please stop."
Not one person has bothered me since.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by tinabanina
So the months have rolled on and of course, his disease has progressed and (as I feared) is starting to get worse and worse, so naturally they are starting to lose contract. During the rare 1 or 2 days where he is sober, I will remind him to contact his friend, and he does, but without my reminder I'm sure his BF would be out of his life without him even realising it.
Originally Posted by tinabanina
"Why aren't his parents doing more to help him?! They need a good clip over their ears!!!" Well, if you know the solution or the way to fix it, please tell us. While he's at it, I'll get him to post it on SR.com, so we can all benefit from his knowledge... Ugh.
If he's got all the solutions, why doesn't he do the work? If he's got the answers, why isn't he calling your partner directly?
You have every right to be annoyed/triggered/upset/furious - he's all talk, and no action.
Originally Posted by tinabanina
As you can imagine, every single day his friend is calling me, texting me, trying to squeeze the news out of me... which is fair enough.
It sounds like he only calls you to get the latest "scoop," the latest gossip, to stay in tune with the drama without being an active direct participant.
You deserve better than to be stuck in the middle.
I'd leave it to your partner to talk to this guy, you have better things to do than be the middle-man for this unhealthy dynamic.
Just my two cents.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Advice generally wanted from an experienced person...
I am one to give my own experience with a request for advice. I feel I can be honest & truthful this way. 
When I have a problem I do some research before I ask someone for their in-put.
In the beginning of my Sobriety, I went to many AA Meetings where I learned how to take what helped my curious mind & left the rest in the meeting hall.
kelsh
When I have a problem I do some research before I ask someone for their in-put.
In the beginning of my Sobriety, I went to many AA Meetings where I learned how to take what helped my curious mind & left the rest in the meeting hall.
kelsh
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: NSW
Posts: 29
Thanks for posting, Buffalo66! The part I put in bold is something I never thought about before. Setting boundaries (and sticking to them, of course) sounds like a good solution so far.
His BF texted me back this morning after I told him to do research on alcoholism... his response was "I know what it [alcoholism] is, mate...".. I don't think I will be responding to that.
His BF texted me back this morning after I told him to do research on alcoholism... his response was "I know what it [alcoholism] is, mate...".. I don't think I will be responding to that.
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
I think the way you handled his BF was good, to give him the advice to learn about alcoholism, to arm himself with information.
As far as interfacing with him, and his family, I would suggest making a few boundaries.
If they want to know what he is up to, how bad off he is, you could place the ball firmly in their (and subsequently APs) court, by stating that you would be totally open to discussing yourself and yourlife with them, but if they have issues or questions for him, they must confront him themselves. This not only draws a line around you and your involvement, but it also allows the addict to feel his own impact, to take his own hits so to speak.
If he is being sheltered from how his friends and family are viewing him, about how his disease is affecting him, he is being deprived of the right to FEEL his own pain and the discomfort that can come when being SEEN in the severe state he is in. It can be a wake up call, for his best friend to be there, to express shock and disappointment, to maybe even say, "I dont want to deal with you if you are under the influence at all...".
In the way that you interface for him, with the BF, you are enabling, to a certain degree, with all good intentions of course, but...He is not having to experience any discomfort around his own BF asking hard questions, or confronting him in a way that you cannot.
One way to do this, is if the BF calls, just hand the phone over to AP. No matter what state he is in. It is easy to sit 4 hours away and pass judgement on how someone else is dealing with something that is causing you discomfort .
he can drive back for a visit and have a face to face if he likes.
You are going to alanon, you are on your own healing path. You dont owe the BF anything. If he serves as a kind ear for you, though, be sure to take inventory about what you gain from the interactions, as well. ANd really think about whether you want to let go of that support.
As far as your best friend goes, I guess you need to make firm boundaries there, as well...
" I really appreciate your input, and I am committed to following the suggestions set forth by alanon, which is a worldwide recognized group of coping with alcoholism. They suggest I do not dwell on what if, and try to live my own life in the moment each day. I can only affect my own choices. Maybe I will choose to leave, maybe he will, but I only have control over me. So, wondering about the future does not heal me or my situation. Thanks so much."
And if she really wants to still be involved, email her an alanon link.
keep posting!
As far as interfacing with him, and his family, I would suggest making a few boundaries.
If they want to know what he is up to, how bad off he is, you could place the ball firmly in their (and subsequently APs) court, by stating that you would be totally open to discussing yourself and yourlife with them, but if they have issues or questions for him, they must confront him themselves. This not only draws a line around you and your involvement, but it also allows the addict to feel his own impact, to take his own hits so to speak.
If he is being sheltered from how his friends and family are viewing him, about how his disease is affecting him, he is being deprived of the right to FEEL his own pain and the discomfort that can come when being SEEN in the severe state he is in. It can be a wake up call, for his best friend to be there, to express shock and disappointment, to maybe even say, "I dont want to deal with you if you are under the influence at all...".
In the way that you interface for him, with the BF, you are enabling, to a certain degree, with all good intentions of course, but...He is not having to experience any discomfort around his own BF asking hard questions, or confronting him in a way that you cannot.
One way to do this, is if the BF calls, just hand the phone over to AP. No matter what state he is in. It is easy to sit 4 hours away and pass judgement on how someone else is dealing with something that is causing you discomfort .
he can drive back for a visit and have a face to face if he likes.
You are going to alanon, you are on your own healing path. You dont owe the BF anything. If he serves as a kind ear for you, though, be sure to take inventory about what you gain from the interactions, as well. ANd really think about whether you want to let go of that support.
As far as your best friend goes, I guess you need to make firm boundaries there, as well...
" I really appreciate your input, and I am committed to following the suggestions set forth by alanon, which is a worldwide recognized group of coping with alcoholism. They suggest I do not dwell on what if, and try to live my own life in the moment each day. I can only affect my own choices. Maybe I will choose to leave, maybe he will, but I only have control over me. So, wondering about the future does not heal me or my situation. Thanks so much."
And if she really wants to still be involved, email her an alanon link.
keep posting!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: NSW
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by kelsh
I am one to give my own experience with a request for advice. I feel I can be honest & truthful this way.
When I have a problem I do some research before I ask someone for their in-put.
In the beginning of my Sobriety, I went to many AA Meetings where I learned how to take what helped my curious mind & left the rest in the meeting hall.
kelsh
When I have a problem I do some research before I ask someone for their in-put.
In the beginning of my Sobriety, I went to many AA Meetings where I learned how to take what helped my curious mind & left the rest in the meeting hall.
kelsh
I always appreciate advice that comes from experience and/or is well-researched.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Ummmm, are your AP's best friend's dialing fingers broken??? His calling/texting you all the time is inappropriate. If he wants to know how AP is doing, he should call AP...NOT you. I agree that is sounds like he's trying to get the gossip, not really being truly concerned about AP. I would say, "if you want to know about AP, you have his number. If you don't think anyone is "doing" enough to be supportive of AP, you should go to Al-Anon and educate yourself on alcoholism." Then be done with it. This is not your problem to handle.
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