Desperate for advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Orlando fl
Posts: 4
Desperate for advice
This is my first post and my first time reaching out for advice. A little over a year ago, a month or two before we married, i found multiple vodka bottles hidden around our apartment and in my husbands car. He convinced me that they were all from a long time ago and not to worry. I foolishly believed him until the bottles began to pop up again. I've come home to him stumbling around the courtyard of our apartment with our dogs running free. After a long talk and many tears he said that was it. Months later When I went to my cousins funeral states away I was interrupted by a call from his work because he never showed. After a long talk with myself and his own mother he said that was it. I've tried to get him into therapy, but he went twice and complained it was too expensive. We drink recreationally together, but it's when he's alone that he gets "bored" or "anxious" and turns to drinking. I'm a social drinker and his is a problem I have such a hard time understanding. Tonight he came home drunk from work and admitted to drinking all night while working, after months of no secret drinking. The worst part is that I feel so personally attacked and unloved when he does this that I get selfish and threaten to leave. But he says he needs my support and I want to be there for him so I always stay. I'm an educated, successful woman and this situation makes me feel like a fool. How can I help him? Should we not drink anymore?
Sorry this post is so long and all over the place.
Thank you so much just for listening. Even just getting it all out of me feels like a step in the right direction.
Amanda
Sorry this post is so long and all over the place.
Thank you so much just for listening. Even just getting it all out of me feels like a step in the right direction.
Amanda
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi amanda
Welcome to SR - I'm sorry for your situation.
I hope you'll keep thinking of your own well being.
I don't think it's selfish to think about leaving at all - if your partner is making things untenable and, no matter what he promises, he keeps doing the same things over and over and over again, then I think to consider moving on (really thinking about it, not just threatening it) is a healthy and reasonable response.
We have family and friends forums which I think will be of great benefit to you - please do check them out....you'll find a lot of experience advice and support down there as well
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ily-alcoholics
D
Welcome to SR - I'm sorry for your situation.
I hope you'll keep thinking of your own well being.
I don't think it's selfish to think about leaving at all - if your partner is making things untenable and, no matter what he promises, he keeps doing the same things over and over and over again, then I think to consider moving on (really thinking about it, not just threatening it) is a healthy and reasonable response.
We have family and friends forums which I think will be of great benefit to you - please do check them out....you'll find a lot of experience advice and support down there as well
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ily-alcoholics
D
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
I was in a relationship with a user who promised me every monday morning he turned a new leaf and he would quit. While you shouldnt make his problems yours I totally understand wanting to support him if he chooses to get better. Unfortunately though it is his choice. But as for your other question...if hes an alcoholic he cant afford to drink anymore, even an innocent drink with u.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Welcome Amanda.
I was the one who kept saying I'd change. I was the one that kept waking up saying this is it -no more. I was the one who made living together a relationship of walking on eggshells.
It is hard to stop. He needs to want to stop both heart and soul. Not just 'say' he is going to stop. He will have to take action but unfortunately it will have to be on his terms. Until he says he's going to rehab or AA I don't really think there is much you can do for him. It could take years.
I drank for about 30 years and finally quit. I don't think its selfish if you move on. He had the problem when you got together and he wasn't honest with you. That is part of the disease. Lying to others, as well as, yourself. Since its a progressive disease it may get worse before it gets better. But its up to you! Not an easy decision.
I was the one who kept saying I'd change. I was the one that kept waking up saying this is it -no more. I was the one who made living together a relationship of walking on eggshells.
It is hard to stop. He needs to want to stop both heart and soul. Not just 'say' he is going to stop. He will have to take action but unfortunately it will have to be on his terms. Until he says he's going to rehab or AA I don't really think there is much you can do for him. It could take years.
I drank for about 30 years and finally quit. I don't think its selfish if you move on. He had the problem when you got together and he wasn't honest with you. That is part of the disease. Lying to others, as well as, yourself. Since its a progressive disease it may get worse before it gets better. But its up to you! Not an easy decision.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 56
Has he tried going to rehab? A lot of families do interventions, where they all get together and make the person go to a rehab center. I think you call the rehab center and get professional help with the intervention, not just go it on your own. There will be more help in the family section, I hope you repost your post there. I can totally understand your reluctance to leave, at least until he has had a good chance at recovery, such as rehab and AA. He's probably as bewildered as you are, or even more so.
Servant of God
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
You have probably been hearing a lot of this but here goes:
You don't have really any control over what your spouse does and often if you attempt to control a partners behavior you will have more of the same problems.
Your partner will probably have to arrive at the conclusion to change entirely on his own, and only when he has lost enough to want to.
You do however have control on your interaction, or lack of with him. Stay focused on living healthy for you and your family. You can be kind and supportive, but don't expect to be rewarded for it by your spouse. There just isn't a correlation between your support and his behavior.
Don't enable bad behavior. You might want to let him know that you have a standard of living and if he wants to be a part of it he needs to uphold that standard. He may need help, but is unlikely to want or be successful getting it from you.
I know it's hard, but spend your time and energy on YOU. Addicts don't change because of pressure from others. They change only when they need to unfortunately.
Best wishes...
You don't have really any control over what your spouse does and often if you attempt to control a partners behavior you will have more of the same problems.
Your partner will probably have to arrive at the conclusion to change entirely on his own, and only when he has lost enough to want to.
You do however have control on your interaction, or lack of with him. Stay focused on living healthy for you and your family. You can be kind and supportive, but don't expect to be rewarded for it by your spouse. There just isn't a correlation between your support and his behavior.
Don't enable bad behavior. You might want to let him know that you have a standard of living and if he wants to be a part of it he needs to uphold that standard. He may need help, but is unlikely to want or be successful getting it from you.
I know it's hard, but spend your time and energy on YOU. Addicts don't change because of pressure from others. They change only when they need to unfortunately.
Best wishes...
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Hi And welcome to SR Amanda, I, too, think you will find it helpful to check out the friends and family forums - you will find a lot of information and support there as well I am a recovering addict/alcoholic and I will tell you that until he wants to change for himself 110%, things will most likely not change. You didn't cause it, can't change it or cure him, as they often say. You must look out for your well being, although I know you must be so confused and hurt and obviously love him very much. It is not selfish to leave, imo. *hugs*
-Jess
And welcome to SR Amanda, I, too, think you will find it helpful to check out the friends and family forums - you will find a lot of information and support there as well I am a recovering addict/alcoholic and I will tell you that until he wants to change for himself 110%, things will most likely not change. You didn't cause it, can't change it or cure him, as they often say. You must look out for your well being, although I know you must be so confused and hurt and obviously love him very much. It is not selfish to leave, imo. *hugs* -Jess
Servant of God
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
I in no way want to tell you what to do about a very important decision but, in my experience, often an addict having a spouse leave is the best thing for getting them to their bottom.
I know it sucks to hear that but think about what he has around him right now. I don't know an am just guessing but he probably has a caring wife, a nice place to sleep, kids to play with, good home cooking, a car, many creature comforts, and lots of attention right now. AND he still gets to be high!!
I can tell you from an addicts perspective that that's a great deal and nowhere near the bottom.
I don't want to condemn that your spouse needs to hit a really low bottom to change but he'll likely need to hit HIS bottom. So often with addicts that point is awful low.
I know it sucks to hear that but think about what he has around him right now. I don't know an am just guessing but he probably has a caring wife, a nice place to sleep, kids to play with, good home cooking, a car, many creature comforts, and lots of attention right now. AND he still gets to be high!!
I can tell you from an addicts perspective that that's a great deal and nowhere near the bottom.
I don't want to condemn that your spouse needs to hit a really low bottom to change but he'll likely need to hit HIS bottom. So often with addicts that point is awful low.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 706
Originally Posted by Amandab83 
The worst part is that I feel so personally attacked and unloved when he does this that I get selfish and threaten to leave. But he says he needs my support and I want to be there for him so I always stay. I'm an educated, successful woman and this situation makes me feel like a fool. How can I help him?
Amanda
Amanda
Al-Anon would be a great place to begin.
Zube
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 706
Good luck to you Amanda. You are not alone.
You will probably hear this sooner or later, the more you learn about alcoholism:
"You can carry the message, but you cannot carry the alcoholic."
That's very true,
Zube
You will probably hear this sooner or later, the more you learn about alcoholism:
"You can carry the message, but you cannot carry the alcoholic."
That's very true,
Zube
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
You did not post in the wrong forum.
This is a fine place for you to post and seek support.
I hope that your husband seeks help for his addiction, and I hope that you take care of yourself.
This is a fine place for you to post and seek support.
I hope that your husband seeks help for his addiction, and I hope that you take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 93
My wife and I drank socially together, but I hid my really heavy drinking from her, more successfully than your husband apparently. In spite of the fact that I love her with all of my heart and would give my life for hers, the drinking had a hold on me nothing she could have done would break. But when I was ready, I sat her down and told here everything out of the blue, including where all the empty bottles lived. We actually had a laugh about it, I mean it is ridiculous. Anyway I was ready to get better which starts with coming clean with her and myself. But it had to be me that made that decision, I think that is true for most alcoholics. I am just happy that it happened while she was still her to be my support. She is the cornerstone of my recovery.
In your case, it sounds like he has gotten chances and warning, so now it is up to you. At some point you will feel like there is more happiness elsewhere and then you will know it is really time to go. Threatening to leave if you don't mean it, us alcoholics have a way of just pouring another drink and seeing what happens. If the first threat to leave didn't trigger a positive response, subsequent threats aren't going to do much.
I know this seems a little dark, but the psychology of an alcoholic is difficult to understand unless you are one. Your sober husband and your alcoholic husband are two entirely different people.
In your case, it sounds like he has gotten chances and warning, so now it is up to you. At some point you will feel like there is more happiness elsewhere and then you will know it is really time to go. Threatening to leave if you don't mean it, us alcoholics have a way of just pouring another drink and seeing what happens. If the first threat to leave didn't trigger a positive response, subsequent threats aren't going to do much.
I know this seems a little dark, but the psychology of an alcoholic is difficult to understand unless you are one. Your sober husband and your alcoholic husband are two entirely different people.
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