Cupicake

Hi

I haven't posted here in quite some time but I stop in every now and again, I would get the urge to share and nothing seems to come out right so I always end up exiting stage right. This forum was such a Godsend for me when I was at my worst. For that I am sorry for walking away every single time I’ve tried to share.

So..here's my update...

I've been divorced from my exah for 5 years now. It was so hard to arrive at that decision so many years ago. I remember trying really hard to get him help, to get him to stop, to save our marriage, to save him. He and his addiction to cocaine was the center of my life. His well being had become more important to me than my own well being until that fateful day that it finally "clicked" that I needed to save myself. I finally realized that not only was I dying on the inside emotionally, I was also doing my own downward spiral physically. I had neglected myself for so long because I was so focused on him that I did a lot of emotional eating to numb the pain. I escalated to a very robust weight of 250 lbs becoming a metabolic time bomb. I needed to claw my way back up out of that proverbial hole. Although I didn't do drugs he was the drug that consumed my life.

Once I made the decision to save myself I knew I needed to shut out all of the voices/messages from loved ones, no matter how well meant they were, telling me all along to leave him...their voices were the only ones I heard and unfortunately they didn't help because I needed to hear my own voice in my head to arrive at this decision myself. They didn't live my life and won't be living my life no matter what decision I made. They didn't love my exah...I did. He was not their husband...he was mine. My life was my own and I needed to "own it".

Now, five years later, I continue to work every day to own my life…to make this journey of self discovery, that never ends, worth while…to focus on what's important to me and follow through on it. It’s not easy…BUT…Does it get better? Yes it does. Does it suck sometimes? Yes it does. Do I have anymore addiction related chaos and drama…”No!” Life is, dare I say it, NORMAL. It has its ups and downs. But the good parts out weigh the bad. Re-discovering life without dealing with addiction is wonderful and difficult at the same time. I find myself falling into the same behavioral habits sometimes because it's familiar. But I fight it because they are habits I learned from living with addiction. But there are some things that I don't want to lose...like my BS detector. I still have issues and demons of my own to deal with and it does get a bit lonely sometimes but I choose this over the life I was living.

I still keep in touch with my exah. He has been two years clean. But the damage has been done and the kind of trust that was destroyed as a result of his addiction can never be regained. I would be in perpetual doubt and waiting for the other shoe to drop. What is life or love without trust?

What I took from this experience….
Live life the way it was meant to be lived….not in great sadness or at the mercy of someone else’s life.

Nina Kay

Hi Cupicake !! I just want to say welcome back !!! I just came back too, after being gone for way too long. I hope that you enjoy being back as much as I am. I haven't read your post yet, I was just happy to see that you too, came back to SR. I'm gonna check out your update now. LOL

Nina Kay

First of all, as everyone else has said to me while welcoming me back, we need to take care of ourselves first. I'm so happy to hear that your life is now as close to Normal as possible. That sounds like a wonderful dream come true. I'm also happy to hear that your exah has two years clean. I certainly understand that if you were still with him that you'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm sorry to say, I know that will always be the way we feel when we're involved with an addict, even in recovery.

You sound wonderful & wise, with eyes wide open. I hope everything continues to go well with you & to get even better still, as you continue your recovery. Again, Welcome back to SR.

greeteachday

Cupi, I am really happy to see your post. You are one of the folks I always looked to, because even in the darkest times, you had an honesty, a lack of ego and an awareness of who you are or who you wanted to become, that always helped me move forward in my journey. I have missed you. I am so glad you are doing well.

Ann

Cupicake, it is like a breath of fresh air to see you here again.

I am glad you have been able to move on and you sound very grounded and content...dare I say "happy"?

Welcome home and thank you for sharing your story, as an update for us who remember you well and for the newcomer who is looking for hope.

Big hugs because I'm happy to see you.

Cupicake

I sure have missed you all too
Nina...It is always so comforting to see familiar people who shared the journey with you. I'm glad I decided to come back the same time you did. Great minds...as they say.
Greet...You did the same for me. I don't think I would've found my way without each and every one of you.
and...
Ann...Oh Ann...our matriarch...SR would not be SR without you.
Good golly...I missed the smilies too...LOL!!

Impurrfect

(((Cupicake))) - good to see you "home", sweetie.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

lightseeker

Cupicake,

Oh you are HP at work in my life BIG TIME right now! Thank you so much for coming back and saying exactly what I needed to hear. I'm glad that you have come back - you have so much to share and I, for one, am grateful that you did!

Donna

Cupicake

Amy...so good to see you too....it's been too long....it's nice to be home.
Donna - I am so glad to see you and doubly glad to have said something worthwhile for you.
I missed you all!!