beachybabe

Sooo its been a few days and I have been thinking about all the things I have read on here. Well, the boyfriend was still up at his dads "working" and called me on thurs. I kept it really cool with him on thurs because I was seriously considering leaving. Well I didnt hear anything Fri even though I was calling and texting all day, nothing sat, so I texted him Sat at like 9pm. He just texted back in Socal (we live in Nor cal) call you back later. He never called, never anwsered texts back and turned his phone off all night. He didnt turn it back on till like 10:30 on sun am. Well I was calling and texting like crazy today and and he would not pick up no anws my texts and like at 11:00 he texted "sorry just woke up headed back today explain then"
I ask what time or any details and he doesnt anwser. He is STILL no anwsering my calls. Then like 4 hours later he texted "driving home right now dont worry" Im like WTF! hes giving me all these short anwsers and now that he is ready to come home he is all being nice and giving me a lil more details but not much.

I been staying at my friends house with my girls because I have been so upset. I have been trying to keep busy but I am so sick over all of this. So supposdley he is on his way home now and I know he is going to give me this ******** anwser and I just dont know I dont want this but I love him. This is not like him so i know and I just have a feeling he is using something else besides pot.

When he gets here I think I am gonna try and be like look if you are relapsing, please just tell me, we have been together for 3 years, at least have that much respect for me and that way I can move on...i dont know im so friggen upset and have been thru so much the past 10 days I can barely even sleep, eat or think straight!

Impurrfect

(((Beachybabe))) - sorry you're going through this.

I've been on both sides of the "addiction fence"...loved an addict, AM an addict (recovering). Most of us, when using, won't admit we're doing it even if we're caught red-handed.

Look at his actions...actions always speak louder than words. Is his behavior acceptable to you? Are you going to believe whatever he tells you? Yes, you love him, but do you trust him? What can you do that is best for YOU and your girls?

It's hard, I know. I've had THREE XABF's, became an addict, and finally got to the point that I believed I deserved more out of life than to get the "crumbs" of someone's attention, as I always had. I was always second to something else.

Keep reading and posting...this forum has helped me get to where I am, and I was really, really a mess to start with, and I'm just one of many.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

hello-kitty

The last thing you should expect from anyone active in addiction is integrity and honesty. It's unwise to put your future and the future of your children in the hands of a drug addict.

Believe me - I understand the need for closure. I held on for YEARS waiting for it. But from experience I can tell you, that you aren't going to get it from a drug addict. It's up to you to bring an end to your nightmare. This is your life and you are in charge. He's just doing what addicts do. Why are you putting yourself thru this? Don't you think you deserve better in a relationship?


Love isn't enough to hold a relationship together or make it successful. It takes mutual respect, commitment, honesty, trust - a lot of things. And you just aren't going to get that from an addict.

outtolunch

He is an addict doing what addicts do.

You can't change him. You can decide if this is how you want to live your life and raise your kids, or not.

terryr97

I know exactly what you're going through. I went through all of that all of last summer. It started again just recently and, as much as I really hate to do it, I have to end this insanity and get on with my life already. I am sooo done with the daily bs of being happy one minute and then, the second he's out of my sight, fear of what he might get himself into. I have no trust and no happiness. I'm sick of saving him from himself. It hurts alot now, but I know it'll only continue to hurt while I work to get up the strength to just say the hell with it.

We all deserve so much more than that. Emotional pain sucks but, knowing this is going to happen over and over as long as I continue to take him back hurts more. Good luck, honey. I hope you make the decision to start taking care of you. He can't because he's too focused on taking care of himself to even care that you're suffering.

Cupicake

If there was one thing that I learned from SR that I still carry with me to this day is..."follow your gut instinct and don't ever let anyone persuade you otherwise". You know what you feel and that counts for a lot. And...it's true...if someone is active in their addiction, they will never willingly admit to it. They will avoid you until they take a momentary break from using and act like nothing is wrong and that you must be crazy to be thinking the things that you are.
So sorry this is happening to you. Right now you are focusing more on him and his addiction. Turn that around and start focusing on what you need and make it non-negotiable.

CanfixONLYme

Beachy... just reading your post made me want to cry... because I have been EXACTLY in your shoes - where my (R)AH would 'disappear' turn off his phone, and I'd be up for 24 / 72... whatever hours just frantically dialing him... hoping to get him on the phone... hoping I could TALK some sense into him. I nearly went mental from it all when he did it for the upteenth time last year. I seriously thought I was going insane and was convinced that he was going to die that day from an overdose. (he didn't).

My friends almost checked me into a hospital because I was just so mental. I eventually calmed down (with food and some sleep) but that woke me up as to how much of a co-die I am. Yes, I still am very co-dependent... and it's a daily struggle for me, but I see that I'm doing all of this to myself... that I TOO have a choice to act in a manner that is respectful (or not) to me... and try to focus on that when I'm feeling weak or wanting to FIX him and his situations.

I agree of course with the advice people are giving you here --- turning your focus around on yourself and make it non-negotiable -- via: cupicake (which is good advice). Just remember, it's not that easy to do especially when you are right in the middle of all this crap. ;( Think baby steps... k?

You may go through this with him a dozen times or so more before he finally seeks true help or something snaps in you to get off this sick ride you're on.

There isn't a quick fix in all this I'm afraid, but keep coming back here to post, to vent, to cry. This site has been a Godsend to me... and I do feel stronger because of it.

I am messing up (sigh) still fixing (with band-aids) here and there - but I know it's baby steps and it will get better if I keep the effort up in helping myself more than I am with my (R)AH. My eventual goal is to stop the need to fix all together (what a celebration that will be!) but for now, I'm not going to keep beating myself up for the messes I do make.

Just be gentle with yourself k?

esinotte

i am in the same situation. although, i feel like its getting worse everyday. my boyfriend is using everyday. We are constantly fighting. now today that he has evryone coming down on him and i am caught in the middle because i am with him. i have two children as well. they do not belong to him but they look to him everday to help and support them as where thier fathers lack in those areas. the problem that i have is he is a truck driver which is very scary. everytime he walks out the door i worry for not just his safety but other people and thier children. i have thought many times about walking out. he has lied straight faced and i have caught him each time. i have called the poloce for help and they are no help to me what so ever. they told me to pack my **** up and run like hell to a shelter and i refuse because i love him too mucj to walk away. i read the articles everywhere i can on the intenet, called rehab centers and still offered them to him and he is not ready. i cant and will not force him but i make it an option for him if he wants to get better i will stay for the support and go anywhere he wants me to. just to start things over. everyday we talk about it and end up putting our hands on each other while my kids lie in bed sleeping. i have severe trust issues with him. as i have for 14 mos. now this past weekend he started telling me most of the truth about his addiction. i have praised him for that. and as of last night he called me from work and told me he dosent want to be sick or use. but then he took off for 5hrs after he came home from work and we got into it again and says that he doesnt feel like he did anything wrong, he did tell me he was going out with his friend to go get something. he was coming back but for 5hrs he did not answer the phone. i was thinking the worst as usual. he has already been arrested and got himself out of it. but it did not phase him. because as usual the people that care about him besides me are enabling him to screw around. as well as myslef for staying. i feel like ****. i am not happy fighting consistantly with all the time. i love him so much i hhave called his parents, bosss and good friends. and all of them told me to go. let him hit rock bottom. until he told me how much he was using last night. it was scary and upsetting. i am nervous he is going to overdose. kill himself or someone else because of his irrational thinking. he has already had three accidents with his tractor tralier and no one thankfully was injured. yet again here is the other problem. his boss is an addict but not of the same thing it is something else. and his boss treats him like a son. i have contacted his boss that i am freinds with and all he does is yell at him and then offers him something else. i am very limited to money, work and resorces because of where i live. i have lost alot being with him that i have gained over a ten year period of time. i have already been arrested for the first time in my life. they locked me up in a pshyicatric ward and put in 4pt restraints and cuffed hand and foot because of his actions. they have me bitter. he feels no accountiblity or responsiblity for his actions. he justifys why and how he uses and tells me that because we argure he uses more in last week than he has in 14 mos. i am really nervous and have been contacting anyone and everyone i possibly could to vent and try to find him help. he has no insurance to cover the expenses. we are not married and have no strings attachted. but yet again i am in love with him not the addiction but as long as i stay he is continue-ing to blame for why he is an addict. i want to leave and my heart tells me if i do he is going to kill himself. there is so much more to this than i care to explain. but understand you are not alone. my famiily completely has disowned me, even though they gave up on me 15 yrs ago. i am 29. i have cared for my self since i was 16. i am all alone in this situation. everyday i spend at least 6 hrs on the computer trying to find resources to go to when he is ready to make the choice to stay clean. he feels he should go to rehab right now because he is walking on a wire with his job. as well as with his family. my sister is an addict as well and i have done nothing but try to suppport her as well. i am caught in a nasty web and feel as though i am trapped. but the diffrence is is that i refuse to be and enabler or help someone that cant or wont help themsleves. i want this man i love to get better and live and live a happy healthy life with me and my children. they have no idea what is going on. i am trying to protect them everyday from it. and its wierd because he is as well by not bringing his **** in the house with him. he leaves everything in his sleeper of his truck and everyday i sneak into it to throw it out. i am tired of it but cant let go. i cried for 4 hrs last night thinking wtf am i doing, am i really the reason he uses herione, why cant he just stop? etc. i just have to keep my mouth shut and pray everynight he will come around and ask god to watch over him and keep him safe. i cant ask him to get better and expect that he will. i am just ready to throw the towel in and stay and keep my mouth shut until he is ready. at the same time i don not want to wait forever either. I am here if you need me..