What Happened?
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
What Happened?
What happened to the bright eyed woman that shines out at me from the pictures of 6 years ago? The woman that I look at is the one that existed right when I came to Sober Recovery.
I am shocked at how much the last 6 years have aged me. I am shocked at the loss of so much of my joy and enthusiasm. Each day I have to reach way down to find the fortitude and strength to find the motivation to keep trying to find the joy that I do have in my life.
6 years ago I was in love with an active drug addict. I believed his lies that he was sober. He had the occassional slip/relapse...but that was all a ruse. It never occurred to me that someone could so blantantly lie. He was using all along. No surprise, huh?
Finally, though, he was one of the ones that got sober. And has stayed sober now for 6 years. I will always be amazed at the miracle and what it took. But I didn't realize what it was going to cost me. I never believed that we would end up where we are today - but a lot of that is because I live with a man that doesn't work a program. He began using drugs at age 12 and he just really never learned how to live life on life's terms or how to be in a real relationship. All of his relationships were based on manipulation. Although the drugs are gone, the behaviors are not.
I know that 6 years would have aged me some - but nothing like this. The light in my eyes is different - if not gone. I've seen things and gone through things I should not have subjected myself to....I thought that love would conquer all. I absolutely do not write this as a ploy for sympathy. I made my choices and accept responsibility for them. I am not a victim - I'm staying right now because I am waiting for the right time to step away from all of this. It's a lot harder to get away than I would have imagined.
What I wish is that I had done just even one thing - insist on a prenup if I had to insist on marrying him. I should have retained my complete ability to disengage from him if he did not keep his promises to remain in recovery.
I hope that my situation can serve as an eye opener. I'm not trying to talk anyone out of doing whatever it is that they need to do. However, I strongly believe that the number one responsibility that we have to ourselves is to protect our financial, physical, and emotional health. I should have done a lot sbetter job of that in hindsight. I hope that my experiences will be able to help someone else take better care of themselves if they find themselves in a similar situation.
I'm looking forward to grabbing back my bright eyes some day. I've got a bit more work to do and situations to resolve but I'm going to do it. I might have a lot of wrinkles now but dang it....I'm getting those bright eyes back.
To anyone that is new here --------keep coming back.....it does work if you work it. I got really sick in this world of addiction but recovery is helping me to find my way.
I am shocked at how much the last 6 years have aged me. I am shocked at the loss of so much of my joy and enthusiasm. Each day I have to reach way down to find the fortitude and strength to find the motivation to keep trying to find the joy that I do have in my life.
6 years ago I was in love with an active drug addict. I believed his lies that he was sober. He had the occassional slip/relapse...but that was all a ruse. It never occurred to me that someone could so blantantly lie. He was using all along. No surprise, huh?
Finally, though, he was one of the ones that got sober. And has stayed sober now for 6 years. I will always be amazed at the miracle and what it took. But I didn't realize what it was going to cost me. I never believed that we would end up where we are today - but a lot of that is because I live with a man that doesn't work a program. He began using drugs at age 12 and he just really never learned how to live life on life's terms or how to be in a real relationship. All of his relationships were based on manipulation. Although the drugs are gone, the behaviors are not.
I know that 6 years would have aged me some - but nothing like this. The light in my eyes is different - if not gone. I've seen things and gone through things I should not have subjected myself to....I thought that love would conquer all. I absolutely do not write this as a ploy for sympathy. I made my choices and accept responsibility for them. I am not a victim - I'm staying right now because I am waiting for the right time to step away from all of this. It's a lot harder to get away than I would have imagined.
What I wish is that I had done just even one thing - insist on a prenup if I had to insist on marrying him. I should have retained my complete ability to disengage from him if he did not keep his promises to remain in recovery.
I hope that my situation can serve as an eye opener. I'm not trying to talk anyone out of doing whatever it is that they need to do. However, I strongly believe that the number one responsibility that we have to ourselves is to protect our financial, physical, and emotional health. I should have done a lot sbetter job of that in hindsight. I hope that my experiences will be able to help someone else take better care of themselves if they find themselves in a similar situation.
I'm looking forward to grabbing back my bright eyes some day. I've got a bit more work to do and situations to resolve but I'm going to do it. I might have a lot of wrinkles now but dang it....I'm getting those bright eyes back.
To anyone that is new here --------keep coming back.....it does work if you work it. I got really sick in this world of addiction but recovery is helping me to find my way.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by lightseeker 
I'm staying right now because I am waiting for the right time to step away from all of this. It's a lot harder to get away than I would have imagined.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Eddie,
I don't leave now because of the unresolved issues that I mentioned. A pre nup would have prevented all of my financial issues and that is all that I was trying to say. When I get that worked out to the point that I will not lose my assets I will do what I need to do. Losing my retirement income would really take that light out of my eyes big time as I am in my mid 50's.
I don't leave now because of the unresolved issues that I mentioned. A pre nup would have prevented all of my financial issues and that is all that I was trying to say. When I get that worked out to the point that I will not lose my assets I will do what I need to do. Losing my retirement income would really take that light out of my eyes big time as I am in my mid 50's.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Thanks Diane.....I know that it will come sooner rather than later. I keep getting stronger and stronger. I definitely appreciate the hugs! This post was triggered when I noticed that I am at my SR anniversary date. I thought back to the person that I was when I joined......sometimes I miss her quite a bit although those codie ways got me to right where I am.....funny how that works! Back then I believed in fairy tales and magic. Oh....I know that gets you nowhere....maybe the royal wedding got to me!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
LS,
That's a tough situation, but you obviously know where you stand which is liberating in itself. I've found that acknowledging that I am choosing to do something (even when unpleasant) makes a huge difference in how that situation occurs to me.
Good luck, and be true to yourself.
Edd
That's a tough situation, but you obviously know where you stand which is liberating in itself. I've found that acknowledging that I am choosing to do something (even when unpleasant) makes a huge difference in how that situation occurs to me.
Good luck, and be true to yourself.
Edd
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Powerful post Light. I know exactly what you mean by those bright eyes being dimmed. I hope you get where you need to be very quickly. It's no fun living with a RAH not working a program. I'd always thought 'once he's clean we'll be fine.' Not true.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
As I read your post I was amazed at how I am in the same boat. 21 yrs married, and dealing with the addiction the last 6.5 yrs. Only I didn't know it was addiction until the last 5-6 months. My ah husband is working on his addiction.
But I do appreciate your post. I had looked at it in only two ways before. He gets sober & we continue on with our life. Or he doesn't & we dissolve our life. By life, I mean assets, businesses, accts., etc.
But thank you. I realize now that either way I have to go ahead & dismantle the accts, business, etc.
If he continues on improving that is great. If he doesn't then I can make the decision I have to without worrying about all the other crap.
I also was a very outgoing, could do anything personality. My self-worth, trust, etc. is shot. People don't even know me anymore. All the lies, secrets, etc. have made me such a different person. What is even worse, is everyone can tell I've changed. Everyone thinks there is "something" wrong with me. But my ah gets to to let everyone think that he is fine, or sadly dealing with a wife who is "unstable".
Again Thank you for your post
But I do appreciate your post. I had looked at it in only two ways before. He gets sober & we continue on with our life. Or he doesn't & we dissolve our life. By life, I mean assets, businesses, accts., etc.
But thank you. I realize now that either way I have to go ahead & dismantle the accts, business, etc.
If he continues on improving that is great. If he doesn't then I can make the decision I have to without worrying about all the other crap.
I also was a very outgoing, could do anything personality. My self-worth, trust, etc. is shot. People don't even know me anymore. All the lies, secrets, etc. have made me such a different person. What is even worse, is everyone can tell I've changed. Everyone thinks there is "something" wrong with me. But my ah gets to to let everyone think that he is fine, or sadly dealing with a wife who is "unstable".
Again Thank you for your post
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Light
thank you for sharing this I really needed it today
All the lies, secrets, etc. have made me such a different person. What is even worse, is everyone can tell I've changed. Everyone thinks there is "something" wrong with me. But my ah gets to to let everyone think that he is fine, or sadly dealing with a wife who is "unstable".
Barely---Thank you for that, It never ceased to surprise me that so many of us dealing with addiction ---feel and think so much alike --our situations are different but the feeling the hurt the pain and damage seems to be universal
thank you for sharing this I really needed it today
All the lies, secrets, etc. have made me such a different person. What is even worse, is everyone can tell I've changed. Everyone thinks there is "something" wrong with me. But my ah gets to to let everyone think that he is fine, or sadly dealing with a wife who is "unstable".
Barely---Thank you for that, It never ceased to surprise me that so many of us dealing with addiction ---feel and think so much alike --our situations are different but the feeling the hurt the pain and damage seems to be universal
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
Originally Posted by BarelyHere
Everyone thinks there is "something" wrong with me. But my ah gets to to let everyone think that he is fine, or sadly dealing with a wife who is "unstable".
Again Thank you for your post
Again Thank you for your post
it does get better, trust me it does..the people in my life who I truly thought I was nuts are my support system, it doesnt take long for people to figure things out, in fact, to this day I am told "I knew what was going on with you
but didnt know how to tell you" "I saw he was high all the time,but didnt know if you wanted to talk about it".."Im so sorry about what happened between you two, he is very ill (drugged) you were such a good wife and tried your hardest"..and the famous one, which really shocked me was yeah I have an addict Im dealing with too,so I understand what your going through..
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Aaaaaaw Lightseeker... you genuine soul you!
You are going to get that light back in your eyes... you are strong and on the path of recovery!
I hope you know just how much you have helped me and your threads/posts are stickies for me.
Here's to you and the light in your eyes that are showing in your soul !!!!
You are going to get that light back in your eyes... you are strong and on the path of recovery!
I hope you know just how much you have helped me and your threads/posts are stickies for me.
Here's to you and the light in your eyes that are showing in your soul !!!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lightseeker, I am a big believer that things happen exactly when they are supposed to happen and that we will be led when the time is right.
You will be okay, no matter what or when. You may not know it yet, but I promise it's true.
Keep your faith, follow your star and I promise that light will be shining in your eyes sooner than you think.
Big hugs because your light is already shining more brightly than you think.
You will be okay, no matter what or when. You may not know it yet, but I promise it's true.
Keep your faith, follow your star and I promise that light will be shining in your eyes sooner than you think.
Big hugs because your light is already shining more brightly than you think.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: In bizarroworld
Posts: 94
I know exactly what you're going through. I've been clean and sober for 3 years and have lived with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years of that. Last summer he relapsed (heroin) and the lies and terror were insane! He got sober again after 4 months of of hell. Now it's nice out again and he's behaving the way he did last summer. We had a huge blowup last week and I feel I'm done. I've learned that no amount of love and caring from me is going to make him choose me over his friends and drugs. So, I'm miserable as hell but I've got to stick to it this time. I cannot live through another summer of unpredictability and misery. I miss being the alone yet happy and serene me that I once was. Thankfully, I have alot of friends in the program who have my back. I'm supposed to leave him alone and let him hit his bottom but, by the time that happens, I'll realize that the lack of trust and the mountain of resentments all serve to make me never want to go back with him again. I love him, but I love being sober more. Thanks for letting me share.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I hope you get the shine in your eyes back soon. I did the same thing while RABF was using, and also while I was dealing with a bad work situation and RABF's parents' death. It seems like I aged so much in just a few years. At one point, I looked at myself and wondered what was happening to me. That was a point where I decided to make some changes. I changed careers and went back to school.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
The stress that comes with living with an addict can age a person...bring on some extra straggly white hairs when once upon a time you can swear you only saw a few. Thank goodness for hair dye!
As far as the light in your eyes....the loss is definitely not a permanent thing. You can and will bring that back. They will start to shine more and more each day as you empower yourself by taking back control of everything you need to, to secure your future. I'm not going to lie. It takes time and a whole lot of patience. I had to do that. I had to get my exah to sign the house over to me...I had to make sure he had no access to my accounts. Although, he was a lot more compliant than most people would be, it ripped my heart out every time I had to have him sign something that involved him surrendering his rights but I knew it had to be done. It takes sheer emotional strength to stick to it no matter how hurt or upset he got. I, too, never thought it would have to come to this. Love should conquer all, right? Until the reality of drug addiction slapped me hard in the face. Take it all step by step....there is no other way to do it.
You will know when the right time is to step away....only you can decide that when you are ready.
And if all else fails...bring our little friend, "the skillet", back out.
LOL!
And....I'm glad he's sober but it can still wear and weigh heavy on the soul. Nobody should ever have to go through what we have gone through.
As far as the light in your eyes....the loss is definitely not a permanent thing. You can and will bring that back. They will start to shine more and more each day as you empower yourself by taking back control of everything you need to, to secure your future. I'm not going to lie. It takes time and a whole lot of patience. I had to do that. I had to get my exah to sign the house over to me...I had to make sure he had no access to my accounts. Although, he was a lot more compliant than most people would be, it ripped my heart out every time I had to have him sign something that involved him surrendering his rights but I knew it had to be done. It takes sheer emotional strength to stick to it no matter how hurt or upset he got. I, too, never thought it would have to come to this. Love should conquer all, right? Until the reality of drug addiction slapped me hard in the face. Take it all step by step....there is no other way to do it.
You will know when the right time is to step away....only you can decide that when you are ready.
And if all else fails...bring our little friend, "the skillet", back out.
LOL!And....I'm glad he's sober but it can still wear and weigh heavy on the soul. Nobody should ever have to go through what we have gone through.
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