bingerswife

my husband was an all around party boy when we met- so was I (girl) and we were young.

I evolved from the drinking too much scene easier than he has, he's cut way back- no longer drinking joyfully every night- but more like binging afew times a week after work to cope with a job he hates.

my rational mind thinks that this is normal..(what's normal?) for lots of people, but...I genuinely don't believe that it's a healthy way to cope.

The Husband seems to flip flop- sometimes, he expresses regret- he knows he's drnking too much and plans to cut back. sometimes he'll go DRY for a month at a time- I guess to prove he can?

sometimes (right now) his attitude is a smug..."I do what I want" this is how I deal with my ****** job.

I hate that attitude.

I hate HIM when he acts like this.

But I love him when he doesnt.

We discuss it all the time, It doesn't affect hs job, and he does the things he is responsible for doing- so what's the harm?

"Sorry you married a drinker"

how do I respond?

Im tired of it.

When he drinks, it's all at once, pass out on the couch, sleep in, feel like crap for the next day.

today I found a bag of empty mini bottles- when I confronted him, first he "didn't want to talk about it" then he confessed that he buys them and drinks them secretly before coming in the house, because he's tired of me giving him a hard time about his number of drinks.

I don't WANT to divorce him. I don't WANT to destroy our family.

but I also do not want to be lied to, married to a binge drinker, and a liar, and deal with his defensive immature behavior (he says he'll stop sneaking, I believe him.)

I know that so many people have it SO much worse- I am not trying to come off as a a big victim-
I think I needed to join this forum, because I don't hae anyone to talk to about this embarassing little secret...

I am ashamed!

and lonely.

and sad.

and kind of angry.

is what he's doing not even a big deal?

I feel like it is- but maybe Im overeacting.
maybe I am too sensitive?

wat do you think?

if you have ay questions, I'd be happy to answer- Hi! Im new.

barb dwyer

Hi BW and welcome to SR!

well, you're not alone.

I hope you'll read around the forum for a bit and see
that there's others here who are dealing
with what you are living right now.

Others will be along in a bit to welcome you
and share their experience, strength and hope
as it relates to your opening post.

Have you looked into Alanon
or another type of support?
It's a good idea to get
face to face (f2f) support
as well as online in the beginning.

Or in the middle.

Or the end.

Wherever.
It helps.

Welcome!

concernednurse

Welcome to the board!!

I thought I was being overly sensitive about my ABF drinking too. But the bottom line was, when he drank, I felt the way I felt. Nothing he said or did would change how I felt when he drank. I found SR and have been coming here ever since! I also went to the bookstore to find some books on how to get my ABF sober and really found out that the key to helping HIM was to help ME!!! How novel... ALANON, ALANON, ALANON was the other thing I did. I still go there and having "real life" face to face people that have been where you are to share their similar experiences is so valuable, and it will teach you the tools you need to do what you need to do to protect yourself emotionally. Welcome, there's amazing support here, and good luck- your journey is JUST beginning!

bingerswife

THANK you- all. I am crying right now...probably because it is such a relief to be able to talk to someone about this.

Don't get me wrong- I am so grateful for all I have- I am not living a sad life- I just have this sad part...that feels so...confusing.

I feel like Binge Drinking is somewhat weird in that it's not the classic picture of alcoholism...Its hard to describe the...nuances of it's wrath..

returntonormal

As a recovering alcoholic I can tell you that there are many kinds of us out there, no one better or worse than the other. There are the binge drinkers, the daily drinkers, the massive heavy drinkers, the morning drinkers, the only on weekend drinkers.

It isn't when or how much we drink, it's what it does to us.

The fact is that you are troubled by it - that matters.

A few months ago when my AH was drinking to excess every single day, I looked on people married to binge drinkers with envy, thinking at least they get a break. Now that my AH is drinking, but only to excess once a week or so, I realize how much it still bothers me.... funny, I thought it would be better. And it just isn't.

Good luck on your journey - try alanon if you can. It's really helping me a lot.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

My AH drinks like that too. He can stop for months at a time and never misses work. He is very responsible that way but that also feeds into him thinking he can control his drinking.

I have found that it is the cycle of stopping and starting the drinking that is not acceptable to me anymore. The rollercoaster ride is just too much and he doesn't get it. His behavior is unacceptable to me during his bingeing episodes. I deserve a better life than waiting for the other shoe to drop and so do you. You are in the right place. Everyone here understands what you are going through. We have all been there or are where you are. Try and take the focus off him and take care of you. Read the stickies at the top of the page and keep posting. You will find your way and decide what is best for you.

wanttobehealthy

I did not think my AH was an alcoholic for the longest time and I tried to connect his behaviors and any and every thing other than alcoholism because my image of an alcoholic was the bottle in a paper bag, unable to hold down a job kind of thing. I had NO clue. I'm still trying to wrap my head around and believe 100% that alcoholism isn't about drinking as much as it's about the thinking that gets one to the drinking part. My H's behaviors started out being bad only when he drank too much, then it was whenever he drank and then it was all the time whether he was drinking or not.

So, I share this just to say I really get completely what you're saying about not being able to explain the nuances of what it does to him and not thinking that X type of drinking ='s alcoholism. I've been there.

Glad you found this site and glad you feel better being able to talk to others who get it. Have you been to al anon at all? I've found that helpful too.

Alone22

It isn't when or how much we drink, it's what it does to us. Thank you returntonormal that one perfect statement really gets to the heart of it.

Bingerswife welcome to SR! The people hear are fantastic. I am pretty new around here and just learning about my recovery being married to an AH. I highly recommend Alanon for additional support.

bingerswife

thankyou again for the amazing welcome- I am going to spend a lot of time reading posts and just...marvelling at how we're all kind of in this together (im not ALONE...)

tjp613

Welcome, bingerswife! You're going to learn so much! I'm glad you found us....I'm just sorry that you had to be here

Let us know how you're doing, ok?

jamaicamecrazy

I remember saying the exact same thing about my husband. Especially the part about me over reacting. My therapist put it in terms that I could understand. He said not to think of it as that the drinking is ruining the marriage but to think of it as me wanting a relationship with him and he chose to have a closer relationship with alcohol. For some reason that made sense to me and maybe it will to you too. He is closer to alcohol right now than he is to you. You cannot change that. It hurts and it is not fair but you have to let him hit bottom and experience the consequences of his action. Right now the consequence is that you are gone. Stick to that. It may be enough. Or he may need to experience worse. You cannot cause it or prevent it. Take care of yourself and your child. Stay on this board and go to Al-Anon. It will help.

kittykitty

Welcome bingerswife, sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us!

One of many things i have learned... I can't say if someone has a drinking problem... but I can say that I have a problem with someone else's drinking. And that's all that matters. If you have a problem with his drinking, there is plenty you can do about it. And by that, I mean what you can do about how it affects you and your life.

Do you want to be married to someone who feels it's necessary to drink to cope with life?

Do you want to be with someone who lies to you, and hides things from you?

There isn't much you can do about his choices, but there is plenty you can do about your choices. It's never too late to make new ones.

Try to find an Alanon meeting in your area, they will give you more perspective than you can handle! (In a good way)

Welcome, and keep reading and posting. We're glad you found us.

GettingBy

Hi and Welcome!

Yeah, I am married to a high functioning binge drinker too. If you read through my posts, you'll see my 'story' and my frustration with dealing with the seemingly "controllable" drinking. The truth is... My AH can't control it, nor can I. With the help of my Al-anon program, we were able to have 4-5 happy years of marriage and two children.

BUT... Alcoholism is progressive... And it snuck up on me over the past year. I've found myself dealing with new and more severe side effects. I've had to finally take a hard look at what is and isn't acceptable to me... And really stand up for myself. It's hard work, and I couldnt have done it 6 years ago when I first walked into al-anon.

Please consider Al-anon, and definitely keep coming back!
Shannon

StarCat

There is a saying in AA / Al-Anon - "Identify, don't compare." Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it's always getting worse, unless the alcoholic starts a real program.
Many of the people who "have it SO much worse" started out where you're at.
There's no need to worry about being here and being open and honest about your situation because it's not as bad as other people's. Rather, be grateful you're asking the hard questions early - the more knowledge you have, the better decisions you can make when you need to make them.

Ah, the true power of alcoholism is that everyone's ashamed to talk about it, as if it's our fault it happened, our fault we're stuck here.
It's not our fault.
And it's a bigger problem than we realize.
Once I started being a little more open about some of the things I was going through, talking to a friend in AA at work, now I understand why there's so many movies and books about "secret societies" - I feel like I'm in one. All these people at work I thought I knew, and so many of them have been affected by alcoholism in some way.

By the same token, it's very likely that this "secret" you're hiding is already known. Active alcoholics can't really hide things as well as they think they can - especially around people who have been affected by alcoholism in the past.
I'm reminded of a conversation my one recovering alcoholic (RA) AA friend relayed to me. He had it with his neighbor, when he was about a month sober.

RA (out mowing his lawn): What are you staring at?
NEIGHBOR: Nothing... I've just never seen you do that before...
(awkward silence)
RA (proudly): I quit drinking, you know. I'm an alcoholic, but I've been sober one month.
NEIGHBOR: I know.
RA (angry): You know?!? How the heck do you know that?!? Did my wife tell you?!?!?!?!?
NEIGHBOR: No... You just stopped peeing off your roof and parking in my flower beds. I figured something was different.

You never know who already knows.


No, you're not alone!
How reassuring is that?
I remember, that was the biggest thing I got out of my very first Al-Anon meeting. These people actually understood what I was going through! And they weren't judging me for it!

Welcome to the forum.
You're not alone.
We understand.
We've been there too.

marie678

Yep, been there.

I questioned for a while too. After all, he's an adult and adults drink. And sometimes even responsible ones drink to stupidity. Maybe I was (am?) overreacting, but his drinking does cause problems for me in my life and I have a problem with THAT.

x100 on the secrecy part as well. It's amazing how many people I found out along the way already knew about my husband's drinking problem. I had someone tell me they had smelled liquor on his breath several times before when he was talking to them, but they really didn't know how to say anything about it to me or to him so they didn't. I had a friend at work who I broke down to about my problems with my husband's drinking- turns out she was having very similar problems.

Alcoholism is SO common. Even when you feel like you're alone and nobody else understands what you're going through. Look a little harder, talk to someone, and you'll quickly realize just how much people really can relate.

nodaybut2day

Hi bingerswife...and WELCOME to SR. I'm so glad you found us; there are lots of supportive (and funny!) people here.

I remember the feeling of embarassment you spoke of; it's what kept me with my XAH for years. I was afraid of what people would think of me: "How could she marry a man like THAT? Didn't she KNOW better?! Is she stupid?!". Eventually, I realized that there's no need to be embarassed. It's not like there was a big sign posted above my XAH's head that said "This way to an abusive married with a functional alcoholic!"...and even if there were, I was still nose deep in codependency, thinking that I could somehow *save* him, *change* him, *make him better*.

Lesson learned: his drinking, his business.

I hope you keep reading and posting as much as you need! SR is always open!

Buffalo66

If you came here to talk about it, it is that big of a deal.

Bingeing is alcoholism.

"sorry, you married a drinker..."

If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that over the years...

But, I did not marry an abusive, disrespectful person.

Keep posting here, and keep your eyes on your healthy and happy days, start by just trying to let him be, and live for yourself.

Maybe start making alist of what is acceptabl to you in a relationship.
Dont compare it to what your mom or your neighbor put up with, just what YOU are willing to live with or not.

bingerswife

oh you guys are hitting home.
so much advice- all of it good.
I DO need to assess what will suit MY standards. How I can procede with MY life and what I need..
a breakthrough I had today is that I am not on a deadline..
I was feeling angry and panicked- but I am not in danger- of any sort. Im here in the irritation stage..I suppose.
I have time to figure out how I will live my life- with or without him.
for some reason it was all feeling like I had to have promises and answers NOW.
everyday is a new day.

you're all strong and amazing. I am so grateful to have stumbled in!