FreeDance

It was another party at the neighbor's. We sometimes play games at parties, and this one was called "Dirty Minds." The hostess said ahead of time something to the effect that with enough wine, it'd be hilarious.

I told my husband I was thinking of having wine at the party. He sort of let me know he didn't want me to, without coming out and telling me not to. ("It's your decision, BUT" kind of thing.) I just imagined everyone else sharing wine and wanted to join in. My husband said, "You'll have some tonight, and then tomorrow you'll get loaded."

He knows me pretty well.

Suddenly I was in a major funk. I felt totally depressed. I didn't even want to go. I wanted to cry. On the way there, I asked my my husband if he'd skip the wine along with me, and he said okay if it'd help, but then, "But I really want some." See? So why is it a problem if I really want some, but not if you really want some, I argued? "Because I don't need it," he said. Well I don't need it either, I said! And then we were at their house, and as I said I just wanted to cry, and go home.

Before leaving home, I'd even said a little prayer for help. (I am not a person who normally prays.) Well, when I got there, the host and hostess were also drinking ginger ale!! The host is fighting cancer and had just had chemo, so can't drink for 48 hours. The hostess was probably having solidarity with him; my husband and I had ginger ale, too. Maybe it shouldn't matter, but it did -- I felt better.

Later, with dinner, hostess and my husband did have wine, along with another couple who came (toting two bottles, in addition to what was already there). But by then it was okay. When it came up, I told the other couple, "I just like to clear out my head and my body now and then." She said, "That's great. I wish I could do that. I can't."

Wow. She said it as though it was about eating vegetarian or something.

So, here I am on day 12. I hope abstaining is like using a muscle and it will get stronger over time, and feel easier, the more I do it.

(I should add, we had a birthday celebration at lunch here too. A bottle of special wine appeared on the counter from our basement wine stash, which I objected to in a whining sort of way. Then guests got beer instead, and that was easier for me to leave alone. Just to say, it was already on my mind from lunch time and maybe that made it more difficult.)

It would be a lot easier if I didn't have to keep seeing it and see other people drinking. But this is how it is here, and I have to deal with it.

Thanks for being here!!! It helps a lot to check in and read the posts, several times a day.

KellyToronto

You go, Freedance!

Kelly

Bikeguy

Good Job!!

SSIL75

I'm glad you're still sober.

All I can offer is that I had to really knuckle down and not give a sh#t if anyone else drank. My husband offered to quit.. I said no. My sister asked if she should abstain in my presence, no. Other people drinking is not the problem. The problem is me.

That's not to say I didn't get anxious the first times people drank in front of me. Or even the other night my husband kissed me and he had been drinking and it grossed me out. But for me anyway recovery has been about learning to live again. And in life people drink. It's OK.

I'm not doing a very good job of explaining. Hopefully someone else will chime in

Onwards to Day 13!!

eaglette

First of all, congratulations on being able to be around other people drinking wine and maintaining your commitment to sobriety!

I know it is hard to be around your DOC and still abstain. It has helped me a lot to identify my triggers. Personally, the smell of weed always gets me craving it. Also, it's easy to turn down once, but then the mental gears start rolling and I feel as if I could smoke in moderation and wondering why I am putting myself through this. I hate when someone asks me a second time or reacts in disappointment that I am not going to partake because it is much more difficult to decline a second time. Marijuana is easily accessible to me any time I want it. When my boyfriend smoked the other day I almost had a relapse and decided that quitting was pointless. By identifying these triggers, I can prepare in advance for my mental reaction and decide to take a step back and act in a different way than my mind dictates. It's like playing chess against myself.

Maybe you could talk to your husband about how difficult it is for you to quit when you are in the presence of alcohol and he could help you by not drinking while you are around, at least for now. Even though it is not his addiction, it IS a huge trigger to be around your DOC. You would also be doing yourself a favor to skip out on parties for now where there is alcohol available. Just give yourself some time and space.

AmericanGirl

I think it's great you didn't drink. And I'm glad the hostess took it well when you said you were clearing out your head -- and expressed her support. I had the same experience when I quit and it surprised me at the time to realize that other people didn't care whether I was drinking (or even admired my not drinking).

I had to make a conscious decision to not socialize around alcohol for several months when I quit, because many times I tried to stop but social pressure (or my perception of it) made me change my mind. So, I would be a little careful about the metaphor of abstaining being like building muscle . . . for me at least, new sobriety was more like being in a position of weakness and needing time to get on my feet and recuperate, which meant not being around alcohol. And, a year after quitting, I don't socialize around alcohol even 10% of as much as I used to -- the changes were slow and sometimes hard but overall, I'm glad I decided to actively change my social world.

Congratulations on your 12 days!