newwings

I sat in the sunshine today, and made a list of everything that's been on my mind over the last few years with regards to the question everyone on here asks themselves. Am I an alcoholic? I, along with many others, had fears that I was, but I didn't want to see it in black and white on paper, or be labelled.

REASONS I THOUGHT I WASN'T:
I don't drink vodka, gin, beer, spirits or cocktails.
I don't drink and drive.
I have never been arrested or cautioned for being drunk in public.
I have never drunk in the day.
I have never had blackouts.
I have never been told by my friends that they are concerned about my drinking.
I can go to a bar and order a non alcohol beverage without grumbling about it.
I have never lost a job or been cautioned at work due to my drinking.

REASONS I KNEW I WAS:
I have never been in the non alcoholic beverage aisles in my local supermarket.
I had 5 different stores to buy from, and rotated them due to embarassment.
I could not resist opening a bottle of wine at 6.30pm, no matter what.
I drank instead of eating an evening meal.
I couldn't remember what I read in my book from the night before.
I would fall asleep/pass out watching a movie. Every single time.
I would post rambling nonsense on facebook.
I would wake up every morning and feel guilty, shamed and physically unwell.
I couldn't drive after 6.30pm, on any night of the week.
I would leave parties/gatherings early so I could drink when I got home.
I would listen to sad music in a dark room, alone.
I would lie to my doctor about my consumption.
I had to visit the ER to have my feet x-rayed after kicking wooden furniture with bare feet in a drunken rage.
I have sat in the dark, in the rain at 2am, sobbing, wanting to kill myself so it all stopped.
I bruised my husband's ribs so badly during a drunken argument that he was in pain for over a week, and made him promise he wouldn't tell or get medical attention.
I nearly died from choking on my own vomit after a binging session.

And there, my friends, in black and white, is my descent into the abyss. I didn't need to go any further, because the one at the bottom was my last experience with alcohol. I am done. I AM an alcoholic.
Thank you for reading my list.

OklaBH

Seeing it in writing is tough stuff. I'm glad you're being honest with yourself. Have you checked out a meeting yet?

Anna

It's good to write that out, NewWings.

Know that you do not have to go through one more day, or fall any deeper.

I'm glad you're here.

newwings

Not an AA one, yet, OklaBH. Thinking about it, though. Day 11 and feeling very strong and positive. And if I waiver, I'm coming right back to read that list and remind myself of how quickly and badly it all went downhill....

EmeraldRose

It seems different when we stop and really think about it. You were fortunate in some of the reason why you didn't think you are...I hit 6 out of 8! Do I win a prize? LOL
Good Job...that should make you feel better tonight.

topspin

Moving post, Newwings

Great idea , as you say, ...for future reference.

my early posts keep it all kinda "green" for me too !?!

Sunn

Wow. Serious stuff newwings. I feel for you.

As someone who's 11 days behind you, the thing that got me was the rotating stores. I tried to buy some booze at 7am the other day. Then they told me that it was against state law to buy booze that early. God I was embarrassed. still haven't been back.

Keep going.

coffeenut

Many things on that list were familiar to me. Welcome to SR...stick close....keep reading and posting.

newwings

I have a few more for the second list, now that I've got honest with myself.

I got excited when I discovered WholeFoods sell two buck chuck..and bought three cases to store 'for later'.
I have been hideously drunk at every party, funeral, and wedding (including my own) since I was 18.
I have had to apologize to my 15 year old daughter after embarrassing her at social events on more than one occasion.
I have not grieved for my sister's death. Instead I have drowned my feelings with booze.
I avoided reading my younger daughter a bedtime story for the last 6 months due to not being able to focus on the page.

There are many, many more, but I feel done for now. I am taking a deep, cleansing breath, and I feel SO much better for doing this list and sharing with you all. Thank GOD for my 11 sober days!!!

Sunn

Thank you for sharing the list. I see more of myself in it than I want to right now but I need to. Thank you.

Keep going. Keep taking the cleansing breaths and keep being healthy for your family.

Ranger

Thanks for sharing and letting me peek-in on your healing, Newwings. I am honored.

MsCooterBrown

Newwings..I too made a list..I did two one on why I should continue to drink and one on the stupid drunken things I have pulled. I included health issues as well because liver disease does not discriminate with age. But the list is an excellent way to get it all out. I had so many close calls doing idiotic things. I reviewed my list quite a bit the first few weeks. That and SR and my surrender to letting alcohol control my life is what saved me. I was so sick and so angry ..it was time to stop. Glad you are here! Thanks for sharing.

CarolD

I consider the final 5 years that I drank...I was an active alcoholic.
Why? because I continued to drink tho I knew I should not.

Forward is the direction for a healthy sober future...

littlegirllost7

Wow! The rotating stores, listening to music in the dark alone, going home early from parties so I could drink more....those REALLY opened my eyes. I am more and more amazed how many of us have the same stories. I am not a freak that just can't function appropriately. I have a problem, like a lot of others. This was very very helpful. I am going to do the same! (25mins into Day 3)