duqld1717

I have been experiencing this a lot lately. It is amazing the clarity and vision that comes when you are completely removed from an abusive situation. You look back and you think someone cared about you but how could they have cared and done such tramatic things to you at the same time? The hard truth that I'm realizing now is that he never cared. I was merely an accessory in his life so he could avoid hitting bottom and that hurts bc I had real feelings. Everything I brushed under the rug is surfacing in a BIG way and it feels horrible. I am seeing a T and going to al anon but when I'm not doing those things, I am suffering having thoughts of what was done to me constantly haunt me. I try to keep busy but thoughts still creep in. It really is a miserable way to live. I even have nightmares sometimes re-living certain traumatic situations! It just never goes away. I am trying to see the good in life and be thankful that I got out of that relationship and I don't miss him I'm just so broken over what was was done to me. I guess where I am right now you could call it picking up the pieces and cleaning up the mess that was made. Not easy and not fun but that's where I am right now. Support and kind wordswould do me some good right now Thanks for letting me share.

sandrawg

I am with you. On Valentine's Day, my exabf sent me all these loving emails, including a "ransom paste" card that said "I won't tell you this but I love you so f'ing much", and a letter about how he wanted to lock away the mean person that caused me so much pain and heartache (that mean person when he was drunk)...

In mid-March I told him he'd have to stop drinking or I walk. He let me walk. And what I didn't know is that by that time, he'd already started recycling an ex that caused problems between us before. She was his backup-a real loser pot addict. I know intellectually he is with her because she parties with him and has no problem with any self-destructive activity he wants to engage in. This does not make it hurt any less.

ON top of everything, when I found this out I made the mistake of contacting him and all I got were more games, lies, and denial.

I have been struggling with the same feelings as you - feeling like he never loved me. Going back to the abusive situations I got myself in. Feeling totally used. I have so much hurt, anger and yes, sometimes I hate him. I really would like to move from hate and anger to indifference, but I'm not there yet. I am still fighting the desire to print out the Valentine's day messages, rip them up and send them to him.

I don't know what to tell you other than, keep doing therapy. Keep going to al-anon. Read books. Try to distract yourself. I know it hurts worse than anything you've ever felt. You are probably gonna need to cry. I cry a lot! Let it out-don't stuff it inside. We're just doing the best we can.

stella27

I don't have any time right now, but didn't want to read and not respond. I am so sorry that you are hurting, and I can relate. Later on I will be back and try to say something profound and helpful, but for now just now that you are not alone.

passionfruit

I am and have been exactly there too. EXACTLY.

I am just getting plain ole tired of feeling this way. Ya know?

So I decided to try, in the last few days, to stop running from my feelings. I decided I need to stop and feel that pain for a few minutes.

I have discovered that the last time or two I did it. I stopped. I thought about what memory/emotion/feeling was causing this in me. I tried to really feel it only to discover it wasn't there.

I thought dang I lost it a time or two and tried to go in and recover it so I could feel it.
To my surprise, I could not recover it. I thought that was bad, but then they seem to be fewer and far between. So maybe its not I lost. Maybe I am dealing with them!!

I hope so!

I feel your pain, truly...

duqld1717

The funny thing is when I talk to my friends or family about what I'm going through they just don't get it. Everyone just tells me to "forget" about him. Being in a relationship and breaking up with an A is unlike anything a person could experience and you really cannot get it unless you've lived it. Breaking up with a normal person is so much easier because at least you can say the two of you had some good times and that he or she once loved you, but the two of you just grew out of love. Forgetting an abusive relationship is like forgetting about being raped over and over again or something on that level. How could you ever forget something like that?? Its like burned into you forever with an iron rod. Knowing that I was basically treated like an animal or worse will make my stomach sick for a long time. Looking back mine was seriously mentally ill or how else could he have taken things to the level that he did without blinking an eye. Looking back he was on the level of a sociopath or narcisist or something in that same group. Seriously.

This sounds horrible but I have never admitted this before. I feel like he was a male escort to me not a boyfriend. I paid for everything that we did and he came along for the free ride, he was mentally and emotionally absent, no extra love, distant and he was basically free to come and go as he pleased. I would put up a fight but it never mattered. I labeled him my "boyfriend" but he was no more than a stranger that I financially supported and took care of like a child. He was in my life but it came at a high price-I had to give give and give some more. Whether that was money and just plain caretaking, I had to give to pay him off. For what? Simply his presence. And if I didn't give, well the bottle would be right there for him to run to. He got drunk and I had to be the boyfriend and girlfriend in the relationship. I was alone and I was the only one out of the two of us that cared. If I didn't care then who would because he didn't do anything to keep us afloat? He was as good to me as a peice of furniture or a plant-he was useless. I didn't mean anything to him but a warm body that he used to avoid hitting his bottom. Writing that makes me want to cry.

lillamy

Babe,

People who have not lived through abuse don't get it. They don't get what it does to you. They don't get that even though you have left the abuser, he keeps on living in your head until you can get rid of him. His voice tells you negative things about yourself.

I have a hard time being alone too. I'm good until the kids go to bed, then the bad thoughts come. Keep seeing your therapist. Keep going to Al-Anon. Keep coming here. It does get easier. (((hugs)))

dancingnow

Thanks so much for posting this. These exact same thoughts go round and round in my head and I kept thinking how crazy I must be for thinking this.

It is still going on even after being separated from AH for over a year. He still has me on a string thinking he is going to recover, throwing me a crumb and than conveniently using his addiction to get out of any responsibilities for our family.

I am getting closer and closer to sanity and I appreciate your courage to face a reality that I keep trying to avoid.

TakingCharge999

Dear duqld,

I am a little bit further along the road than you...

It has taken me 2.5 years to start feeling normal again... I sure hope it lasts much less for you, but just to let you know we are facing tough stuff here, but the depth of the transformation if you keep doing your work (which you are already doing) will be worth it in the end.

After being hurt by stupid comments and "advice" I learned to trust SR and my group therapy fellows and my therapist and God and some spiritual leads I have met along the way... you are the ones that know the details, since I classify people *(like a fridge!) my life has been much better and less frustrating

-spiritual family that I can trust
-family members I can talk about...the weather
-friends I can laugh with, get some coffee, small talk.. entertainment...
-coworkers I can work with professionally and smile to in the hall PERIOD

People have no idea of how it feels like so that is why I keep coming to SR to keep validating my feelings and knowing I am not alone.

I decided to stay at my work so have been facing the same situations over and over and over... but I have noticed how I change when facing the exactly same situation> XABF being a jerk and parading his GF and "fun life" and holidays when I am around...

Day #1 it hurt like hell
Week #1 hurt like hell
Month #1 hurt like hell
Months #2-6 barely existed, worked, cried, slept, repeat
Months #6-12 realized I needed help, went to AA for tips from the other side, went to therapist, got Melody Beatty books
Year #2 moved from sadness & longing & resentment to plain anger, but started laughing again, started taking positive steps for myself..


The same scenario repeats, xabf and gf and friends doing the same thing, being happy drunks, feeling like little Gods, and I am barely annoyed now.. no longer think its about me and I no longer envy the GF and it hurts to know he did not love me, but what REALLY hurts is that I have not loved myself either all this time.........

So now I am struggling with self love and sometimes still feel sorry for myself or too lonely etc... yesterday I was able to feel the great void in my heart, the thirst for love but I know now its in me and in God and no one else's thoughts and actions can take away my personal fulfilment......... I started painting again which has been HUGE... I hope you can remember your own dreams and start doing a single thing, something that reminds you that you are still YOU, that life is worth it, something to look forward to that is only for you.

I am sorry you are going through this......... it gets much better...... I am in no way recovered, but I feel my power now, I feel its up to me now, I feel more free and I no longer feel the need to 'fit' anywhere or to have anyone love me... no longer feel the need to demonstrate how special I am to anyone... I know myself better now... I feel I myself, am more honest in my relationships .......and I really like this freedom.

Outlet therapy? nails? rent a TV series? new hairdo? spa? lunch in your favorite place? journaling?

I wish we were together so I would take you to watch the new Robert Pattinson movie. I cried yesterday, feeling that huge void within me and realize its not about XABF but about abandonment towards myself that has gone for decades. When I start healing and providing myself with compassion, love, care, and practical things like enough rest, decent food, some exercise every day... magic happens.... its an inner journey and although lows can be hard, the highs are priceless, and its a new foundation for many more years to come. You can do this!

Babyblue

I have PTSD (for reasons not related to the A) and I have been in therapy but am just now able to open up to my therapist about the trauma. It is very real, your body reacts, the nightmares, panic attacks... I get it. It is hard to explain to people what it is like but don't be discouraged if someone dismisses how you are feeling. It is a very real thing.

It takes time to work through it and yes, self love is key. To know that you are NOT in that situation anymore, stronger and out of harms way. But it does take time. You aren't alone. I developed little tricks to cope when I feel a memory coming on. Do whatever it takes to stay in the moment.

It will get better.

sandrawg

I wish I could've gone to that movie with you.

It's true what everyone is saying here. NO ONE can understand what you go through. The path of broken promises...the pain of watching someone destroy themselves in front of you...NONE of my friends know what it's like to have your drunk exbf put a gun in his mouth over the phone with you. How could they ever understand what that's like? they just say oh, you should be glad you're rid of him. Well, in some ways, sure I am. But he's someone I loved, and now he's a giant train wreck.

Now he's with a fellow self-destroyer.

My ex probably wouldn't parade his "gf" in front of me. Instead, when I confronted him, he minimized her. "I"m not with her. We're not in a relationship." But..she stays over every weekend??

Do you love her?

"I dunno about that, I do know I loved you tho."

mm hmm.

Isn't she lucky-she's with someone who is so lukewarm towards her. What a sick f'ing relationship.

Meanwhile he's probably hoping he can recycle me again when he gets tired of her, like he did last time. Only this time I am NOT letting myself get sucked in.

If I have to cry every day for 2.5 yrs, just to avoid the NIGHTMARE of being with someone who's committing a slow suicide, meanwhile putting on this facade of the bouncy party boy, SO BE IT.

duqld1717

Let's all go to the movies!!!

I'm so glad I have you guys and you know exactly what I'm feeling. Its a relief to know that I am not alone. I was actually thinking about all of our Ex's and what it all boils down to. They may have new gf's and we may still be single (which doesn't make sense) but actually in the long run we are better off. We are taking time right now to work on ourselves and eventually find someone who we connect with emotionally and physically for the long haul. They are just filling a short term void. It hurts now for us and they may be having some "fun" but think about it: Short term fixes never last. Long term recovery and change does. So, as time goes on we will be farther along and better off and they will be starting at square one again. That helped my stress to go away a little bit today.

It's hard to look to the future with a positive outlook when the present seems so gloomy. But, if I have to do all this work now and it pays off one day, I will look back and say it was worth it. I guess if he wants to destroy himself I have to accept that its his choice. That is not my choice.

I'm also a big believer in Karma. I believe all abusers get what they dish out. Eventually.

Ponder

Been there too with my first ex turd of a *gag* husband. The best thing that helped me when those obsessive thoughts came was to journal. I wrote and wrote, sometimes the same garbage over and over. It helped to purge the ugliness out of my head for a while. Called him every filthy name I could think of on paper as well, stuff I could never even whisper when he was around for fear of retaliation and his ugly rage. That helped a lot.

transformyself

Well you're not alone, that's for sure. Are you in therapy? I suffer from PTSD as well, from my abusive childhood and from my marriage to an A. If you can afford therapy, it's well worth it to find a therapist that specializes in PTSD.

However, I regularly cannot afford therapy, so I turn to the internet and books to help me. The simple act of educating myself about this disorder has been very helpful.

Intrusive thoughts is one characteristic of PTSD, and just knowing that has helped me. Early on, when the re-living of trauma was frequent and re-traumatized me, just being able to name it in the midst of it gave me a bit of control. I would say, "this is just intrusive thoughts."

It truly is like being re-tortured though.

barb dwyer

It's a part of healing and you're doing it just fine.

I'm so glad you came here and talked about
what youre feeling and what is happening.

We never know how many read these threads.

You may have helped someone you'll never meet tonight.
Someone else now knows ... they're not alone, either.

Ponder

I don't know if this will help or not, but sometimes we relive certain memories of the abuse to better understand them. Understand probably isn't the best word, maybe more like "see the reality" of what really went on.

The rose colored glasses we wear in an abusive marriage or relationship are gone now, and we can see memories with new eyes. I know for me, in my cesspool of a marriage I was in survival mode 24/7. I became numb to his verbal beatings, and was wore down to nothing by the time he left me for some floozy. He only touched me once in anger, but it was enough to keep me in fear for the rest of my years with him. It was his unique knack for making me feel like a worthless piece of sh*t that took it's tole.

Every haunting memory I'd pick up in my mind and examine it.. tear it apart. I think for me it was to see who he really was, a monster in a human suite.

duqld1717

The rose colored glasses we wear in an abusive marriage or relationship are gone now, and we can see memories with new eyes. I know for me, in my cesspool of a marriage I was in survival mode 24/7. I became numb to his verbal beatings, and was wore down to nothing by the time he left me for some floozy. He only touched me once in anger, but it was enough to keep me in fear for the rest of my years with him. It was his unique knack for making me feel like a worthless piece of sh*t that took it's tole.

I hear you on the survival mode. You really are just trying to get through the day, that you forget about what happened to you the day before or the week before. I kept shoving things deep down just so I could survive the moment. That is such a horrible way to live. Verbal beatings are worse to me than physical beatings because it messes with your self-esteem long term. He never physically hit me but he would throw me out of moving cars or shove me down stairs, spit on me, or throw me out of his apartment in the middle of the night with no way home. He would invite me out into public with him (that was where he did most of his drinking) only to berate me infront of people, talk to other girls and get them to start fights with me so I would leave crying, or leave me stranded places, only to leave with other women. He turned on me and he tried to turn other people against me as well. His friends even started joining in on the abuse as well. I was the town punching bag. I was treated like an animal. The next day he swore he would never hurt me again only to hurt me again the next weekend. It wasn't always this extreme tho. It progressed into that. I let him get away with that behavior for a year but I sure as hell won't anymore.

MsCooterBrown

It will get better with time. I used to come out of my skin any time there was a loud noise..even like a book falling to the floor. The alarm clock scared me. I would go around like a little kid checking the closets and under the beds to make sure he wasn't hiding. Check the doors a gazillion times before going to bed to make sure they were locked. On and ON AND ON...but with time..reading alot of self help books and internet articles..I finally feel at peace. Before I was feeling nothing..I drank to numb myself and the real shocker came when I got sober. They say you stunt your maturity level by drinking so when I sobered up I was like 15 yrs old..wtf. Be good to yourself. I also had to forgive myself. It takes time to heal..won't happen over night. I still have my moments but for the most part..I feel like I am FINALLY moving ahead. I wish the same for everyone...

LovetoLaugh

Wow, Thanks for saying out loud what I've been thinking to myself!!!Some of the details are different but the overall theme is the same. This is what our relationship turned into midway thru. I try to figure out if I was even in a relationship or was I just convenient. It makes me question the beginning when he was the pursuor and wonder if that was real of just a set-up for down the road. I invested so much time and money in him and his problems and got very little in return. I once told him that I felt like all I was was "his safe place to land". He said why would you say something like that its so self-deprecating but in all honesty its how I always felt!! I think the hardest part of coming to terms in these relationships is trying to seperate the person from the disease. If there was no alcohol or drug involvement I think I would have been clearer on whether I was loved or used!

Thats the hardest part for me! In a normal relationship you can clearly see people and their intentions. When your emeshed in so much dysfunction you question everything. I really feel for you, I wish I could give you a big hug!!!!

sandrawg

My exabf wasn't as verbally abusive as my previous exbf. I sure can pick em, eh?

The previous one was a RECOVERING alcoholic. Talk about walking on eggshells. I mean, he was all charm and candy in the beginning--gradually, he began a slow process of chipping away at my self esteem. It started with my clothes--critizing what I was wearing. Then, my breasts weren't big enough. He hammered that home quite a bit-caused a lot of arguments. Soon, nothing I did was good enough. I didn't clean good enough. I was stupid. Meanwhile he monopolized most of my time at my job to help him with his business. I remember one time, telling him I had an important meeting to go to, trying to get him off the phone, and he barks at me "THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW." OH REALLY? My job isn't important?

He was a classic narcissist. I finally left him when he told me he wasn't attracted to me because of my acne scars. OH and BTW did I mention that I am a model now??

My exabf-he would get verbally abusive mostly when drunk. On his birthday last year I put up with a 4 hour screaming tirade where he called me the c word, shot water out of a squirt gun at me, threatened to have me put away (even tho he was the one acting crazy), and made fun of me when I started crying. The weirdest part was in the middle of treating me like dirt, he was talking about how I was the only one who gave him what he really asked for on his birthday. It was bizarre.

He also threatened to kick me out of his car once (not while drunk), simply because I got us lost trying to use the gps on his iphone.

He was also very critical-would criticize me over little things, like how many times I turned the bacon while cooking.

Yeah, I think about THOSE incidences...and I do not miss him one little bit.

sandrawg

My exabf, when I look back at it, was all about ME making him feel "special."

He said before that he felt "special" that someone who was as mature and put-together (well on the outside maybe) as me, would be interested in someone like him (he is a lot younger than me.)

He has such low self-esteem, he needed me to validate him, I suppose. I was thinking the other day that when he was with me, he ran with the big dogs. My friends are mostly my age..own their own homes, have good jobs, aren't substance abusers...his "friends" (I use the term loosely cuz none of them would even pee on him if his head were on fire-they're all selfish jerks) are all very immature. Emotionally stunted alcoholics and addicts. Now that we're broken up, he's back playing at the children's table.