FreeDance

Hi everyone,

I am on Day 11, and all of you on this forum have been very helpful!!

Almost as soon as I embarked on conscious sobriety -- and especially after the first two meetings -- I had terrible cravings to get plastered. I had visions of vodka and cranberry juice in my head (which is random and odd -- we don't even have vodka in the house). I felt like I was looking for a turning point, a dramatic "bottom" I could remember, maybe. Or a last hurrah? A farewell?

But I didn't do it.

I guess I still struggle with the very basic Step One. I went in to this wanting to want to stop. Well if I want to want to stop, that must mean that on some level, I want to stop, right? I want it to be some deep revelation, a big motivation, a resolve that comes from way down inside.

It's not like that. I was puzzling over it all on this forum, and someone said simply, "It's the addiction." The what? Oh yeah! The thing is, I don't think I have a physical addiction. I don't get physical withdrawal symptoms (that I notice at least), never drank in the morning, and never got a DUI, or had problems at work from it, etc.

HowEVER, I'm trying to hang on to the memory of lying on the sofa in the morning, after a night of drinking, saying to my husband, "I am really struggling with this. I feel so ashamed of myself." I am trying to remember the embarrassment of recalling the crazy long emails I wrote when drunk. I am reminding myself of the dangers of continuing this when I start my new job, which involves some work in the evenings.

I even realize that all this struggle is itself indication of a problem. If I were normal, wouldn't it be about as difficult as giving up lettuce?

So what am I waiting for? What ton of bricks do I think should land on my head? Is this really the way it can start, for me?

The "higher power" part is going to be hard enough. But why am I just struggling to say, definitively, "I want to stop drinking?"

Does this make any sense?

Hollyanne

Hi Freedance,
How about for now, you just say to yourself,
"I am not happy about this, but I MUST give up this harmful habit before it takes everything from me. It is causing pain already."
I didn't have anything like a DUI or job-loss either, but I am sure better without drink 6 months later. And now, I don't want to drink. The little voice that KEEPS trying to bring it back, is NOT my friend, it is my disease.
Well done on 11 days. If you drink now, you will be miserable. Try doing something like a nice special meal in a restaurant with your husband to celebrate your new sobriety!

FrothyJay

So well said.

The cravings you are getting-- this is alcoholism. It's not the drunken emails. Alcoholism is really how we behave in the absence of alcohol-- the unmanageability, anxiety, craving, distress-- the skin-crawling, aching, please put-me-out-of-my-misery-right-now feeling. Physical withdrawal is not required.

Just simple abstinence does not cure this. In fact, it sometimes makes it worse.

FreeDance

Thank you, Hollyanne!! I am hoping the desire to drink fades for me, too.

It IS like a nasty little voice, isn't it? And you are right -- I'd fell HORRIBLE about myself if I drank now, and as a result I'd fall back into drinking a lot as in, "Hell with it." I dreamed last night that I had wine or was thinking of having it or something, and was all conflicted. Woke up glad to realize it was a dream.

I like the reality of, "I am not happy about this, but I must...." Thank you for that!

FreeDance

Thanks, FrothyJay. "This is alcoholism." I have to get that through my thick skull. It's getting there!! All the proof I'm looking for is what I'm experiencing right now, I guess?

And there are LOTS of red flags in my behaviors -- hiding it, horrible hangovers, once being hospitalized for being suicidal, with dual diagnosis (depression with alcohol abuse). I see myself typing this and wonder why on EARTH I could still be thinking, "Well I'm not sure I'm really alcoholic" or "I need more disasters to really get it into my gut that I need to stop."

This is so weird.

I've stopped before but never thought it through like this.

Ranger

Perfect sense, FreeDance. You're wrestling with the blessing and curse that is a "high bottom". Many who've experienced far more negative consequences from drinking (e.g. DUI, lost job, lost spouse, etc.) struggle with accepting the reality and finality of their alcoholism.

So here's the deal, if you need a definitive turning point or a more dramatic bottom, just keep drinking. Assuming an unfortunate accident doesn't result in premature death, I promise alcohol will eventually lead you to your pain threshhold.

A better plan is to immerse yourself into the recovery community. Actively seek recovery resources that appeal to (i.e. speak to) you. Continue posting/reading on SR and talking to other alcoholics in person. Start digging inside your melon and finding out what makes you tick and what your life needs to feel whole. My personal belief is you will ultimately find this pursuit revelatory and motivating. The challenge is to not let yourself off the hook or develop a mad case of the phukets before the process develops green shoots of self-sustenance.

The simple reality of not being able to stop doing something that has known negative consequences IS addiction.

FreeDance

Thanks, Ranger!

About a "high bottom" -- sometimes I hear alcoholics' stories and think, "I'm not nearly that bad, so maybe I abuse alcohol but am not an alcoholic." Other times, especially if it's implied that I don't have a Real Problem, I react the other way -- Yes, it's really really terrible, nobody has ever done things like I have for so many years, and I feel so guilty.

It's hard to get perspective. You guys in this forum really help.

reggiewayne

Makes sense to me also. I actually had a post on here when I was still drinking called "How to start caring again"... I wanted to want to stop but when push came to shove - drinking always seemed to win. I think what is really at work here is YOU do want to stop, but YOUR disease doesn't want you to. I've also heard it called our "addictive voice".

I think many of us struggle with this for a long time. We can either wait for something terrible to happen, a "bottom if you will", or we can before we get to that point. I'm convinced that we can always dig lower - reach an even lower bottom. The good news is we don't have to.

As far as a higher power goes, it helped me to accept one when I really saw how alcohol was already acting as my HP for YEARS. When I realized that I was asking alcohol to do for me what AA says another HP could do for me, that is when I got it. Another thing about the HP that helps me is I don't need to understand what it even is. I find out "on the way". I always thought I'd need some moment when God would enter my life and change me instantly. That is not my story. I am of the "educational variety".

For me it happened slowly and continues to evolve. But, once I saw that I already had a very destructive HP in my life already, it made sense to look for a new one.

I have that today.

Best of luck, hope this helps.

FrothyJay

I think the first step is a process of realization, and for me, it really didn't get crystal clear until I'd done ALL the steps.

If you can wrap your brain around the idea that there is insanity at work here (think of how many times we've picked up alcohol after swearing it off), you might not be too far from the idea that your brain, in its current state, is unable to solve your problem.

In fact for me, my brain was the problem. It was able to recognize that I was in trouble, but it wanted to drive the solution through willpower.

When I saw the depth of my trouble-- the stark realization that I would continue to drink regardless of the consequences-- I was in a place where I accepted an idea that was very odd:

Stop trying not to drink. It's futile.

Now, start trying to find a power that can solve the problem you can't solve.

When the problem was placed in that context, when I realized the game of deception being played by my insane mind was going to kill me, I was willing to do anything to survive, including try to find a power greater than myself.

Hell, what did I have to lose?

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you're here seeking support, and know that you are lucky/blessed to know you want and need to stop drinking before things get worse. The denial is such a huge part of addiction, and I came close to losing my family before I stopped drinking. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop.

Try to not stress about the higher power thing. For me, I tend to use The Universe in the context of a higher power.

opmloser

Hi & Welcome-
We're all different; some of us have hit the bottom (losing jobs, DWI's, relationships) and still didn't stop. You have choices at this point and you're lucky to have them. If drinking causes problems then the drinking is a problem. The fact that you found SR is a terrific first step!
Keep posting and bless you.

Hollyanne

Hi Freedance,
The AA "Big Book" actually has a part where they disguss bottoms not "rear-ends",lol.
They hoped that by having done so much work themselves, others would not have to reach so low before they sought the solution.
This was very big to me, although, I wasn't looking to go any lower and was just miserable enough!
I do go to AA and find it wonderful and also SR. Do this now. Keep going.
Best to you. Be the one who learned from others and didn't have to experience the "yets".
There are no medals for misery.

artsoul

Hi Freedance - I think Ranger's post was really on target. You don't know what hell you're being saved from, so it's hard to stay motivated on an emotional level.

Logically, though, it's pretty clear. It's obvious from the experience of others where we're headed if we don't stop. If we don't stop, the obsession to drink will only get worse, too, so there will never be an easy out.......

No one can keep you sober.... but we can support you and tell you what your sane mind already knows. I think 11 days is fantastic and only want to add that for me at least, the urge to drink really did get weaker as time went on. Thanks for the post!:day6

FreeDance

It is SO NICE to have all this feedback from people who really understand!! Thanks so much!!

On the one hand, I feel like it's not that bad -- a "high bottom" and all.

On the other hand, I think I'm the worst in the world because it's been this way for so many, many years. This started when I was still in college, and that was decades ago. It's gotten better and worse, better and worse, and I've stopped for a year at a time a couple of times, but I sometimes feel hopeless, guilty, and ashamed that it's been most of my life. Why didn't I just stop when all the signs were there, when I was in college?

(That also makes it easy to slip into thoughts of, "Oh well, this is just the way I am" when I'm getting drunk, too.)

Thanks again for helping me puzzle through it all.