Failed again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 21
Failed again
Well, here it is.... 4:07am and I am awake because I went out and drank and today was my 28th day with no booze. Was... I'm not sure how I feel right now. I just can't stop thinking. I went out tonight and said I would moderate. And I did, I'm not that drunk, I'm not blacked out, I rotated water with beer at the bar, and I feel like I actually tried to not drink like I normally do, but... I wonder, just how quickly will this turn into how it was... how many (few) night do I have until i end up out and blacked out.... I just want to be normal and be able to go out with my friends and have fun and drink a few beers... that is how tonight felt. That is why I drank tonight too. I have been feeling so great but then, I just became overcome with this feeling of, "Can I never drink again?" Really. I couldn't handle that thought, that possibility. So I drank to try and show myself that I can do this, I can have a few beers and be okay.... and here I am at 4 in the morning... here. My brain won't stop thinking. Drinking makes me feel human. Makes me feel like the only time I can be with myself and think about life and my mistakes and how to make sense of it all.
I sound ridiculous. I am going to go. Not sure what to do now or what any of this means.
I sound ridiculous. I am going to go. Not sure what to do now or what any of this means.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 245
So what exactly did you gain from drinking? Is it worth it to constantly obsess over these thoughts of can I/can't I? The writing is on the wall as far as the physical/social consequences of drinking goes, and it sounds like you are aware of that. Now it sounds like you are confronting the psychological consequences as well.
We can solve this obsession by quitting drinking. Then we can begin dealing with the problems that we had been using alcohol to solve.
We can solve this obsession by quitting drinking. Then we can begin dealing with the problems that we had been using alcohol to solve.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
I used to think drinking made me feel human too, hopeful....
Turns out it'd had been so long that I was confusing feeling human...with feeling sated...with having my addiction satisfied.
When I see it written out like that, a chill still goes through me....
I know what 'feeling human' is now, and lemme tell ya - it's nothing like what I'd convinced myself it was.
I hope you'll give yourself the chance to feel truly human again too.
It may take a little more time than 28 days...it may take a lot of effort, and it will take a lot of changes, maybe even uncomfortable ones at times, but it's so so worth it.
The lies we tell ourselves are very persuasive - but don't believe them.
D
Turns out it'd had been so long that I was confusing feeling human...with feeling sated...with having my addiction satisfied.
When I see it written out like that, a chill still goes through me....
I know what 'feeling human' is now, and lemme tell ya - it's nothing like what I'd convinced myself it was.
I hope you'll give yourself the chance to feel truly human again too.
It may take a little more time than 28 days...it may take a lot of effort, and it will take a lot of changes, maybe even uncomfortable ones at times, but it's so so worth it.
The lies we tell ourselves are very persuasive - but don't believe them.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 39
I failed two days ago as well. Yesterday was dark and full of hatred for my actions and lack of self control. Today I feel so much better mentally and physically. There are good days and bad with everyone who is sober or not. The difference in most cases is that a lot of the bad with us is ...we could have prevented it by not drinking. I can't think of never drinking again, I am trying to think about not regretting my actions or hurting people I love today.
Last edited by littlegirllost7; 04-30-2011 at 04:14 AM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Drinking makes ALL of us alcoholics feel human - that's why we all drank for so long in spite of terrible outcomes. I have found that I didn't have a drinking problem, I had a sober problem. Drinking was the only relief I got when I was active. Early on, I kept hearing in AA how drinking is just a symptom of my real problem - and that problem was ME.
I didn't understand what that meant for a long time. Today I truly understand what that means.
I had to find another approach to life. I have found that in AA. It sounds crazy but my drinking problem has been removed, I don't fight it. Anytime I wrestle with the idea of drinking I'm miserable. I won, by giving up. Surrendering completely - and turning my life over to a Higher Power -has given me back my life.
It's when we admit complete defeat that we are completely free from the drinking problem - and we fix our sober problem.
I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but it works. I could not do this on my own. I tried to out-think this thing for years. It never worked.
AA isn't the only way, but it's worked for me. My advice would be to get into a program of recovery. If you don't, I think you'll find yourself right back where you were at 4am this morning over and over and over again.
It doesn't have to be this way littlegirllost7! I wish you the best!
I didn't understand what that meant for a long time. Today I truly understand what that means.
I had to find another approach to life. I have found that in AA. It sounds crazy but my drinking problem has been removed, I don't fight it. Anytime I wrestle with the idea of drinking I'm miserable. I won, by giving up. Surrendering completely - and turning my life over to a Higher Power -has given me back my life.
It's when we admit complete defeat that we are completely free from the drinking problem - and we fix our sober problem.
I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but it works. I could not do this on my own. I tried to out-think this thing for years. It never worked.
AA isn't the only way, but it's worked for me. My advice would be to get into a program of recovery. If you don't, I think you'll find yourself right back where you were at 4am this morning over and over and over again.
It doesn't have to be this way littlegirllost7! I wish you the best!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 184
I don't know if I am here because I will never drink again. I just don't know that that's me. I know that I had an issue in my early years..... with street drugs and alcohol... and one day I decided I did not want to live like that, anymore. I stopped streets completely and stopped abusing alcohol.
Now, whether or not I can do this AGAIN is questionable. What I would LIKE to think is that due to two extreme and very long-term traumatic events in my life, I began to abuse alcohol and that now, perhaps, I can stop for awhile, clear my head, and then begin a life of moderate drinking again.
I don't know if/when I will give this theory a try. I DO know that I do NOT want to go back to that life and perhaps I need to cycle once again before I can accept powerlessness. I just don't know.
I like being sober. It's been... ??? 12 days this morning. Today is Day Twelve. Every day that passes is another reinforcement that this can be done if I want it. Right now? I really want it.
I feel for you and just posted to let you know I understand.
Now, whether or not I can do this AGAIN is questionable. What I would LIKE to think is that due to two extreme and very long-term traumatic events in my life, I began to abuse alcohol and that now, perhaps, I can stop for awhile, clear my head, and then begin a life of moderate drinking again.
I don't know if/when I will give this theory a try. I DO know that I do NOT want to go back to that life and perhaps I need to cycle once again before I can accept powerlessness. I just don't know.
I like being sober. It's been... ??? 12 days this morning. Today is Day Twelve. Every day that passes is another reinforcement that this can be done if I want it. Right now? I really want it.
I feel for you and just posted to let you know I understand.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,828
I needed alcohol to "feel human" too. Turns out that was my addicted brain trying to tell me that "just a few beers" is normal. Well, those few beers eventually turned into 10 straight years of 12-18 beers per day, every day. The only solution for me was to stop completely. Now I look back and see how insane that thinking truly was.
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Good morning, hopeful... I recently failed at day 28 as well...and today is another day one. And, I am also finding myself in that perpetual quandry of can I or can't I. But, having stopped for 1.5 years 28 years ago, I can affirm the wisdom of Dee and ReggieWayne above. Its hard for me to believe that I still find myself vulnerable to the lies of addiction, having had the peace and serenity of sober humanity before. The excuses and rationalizations I tell myself are outlandish...I need to do it to be accepted socially...to avoid being a social pariah...to keep from being a nervous wreck...to stay focused...because the world is ending...because if Jesus could drink, why can't I?... whatever pops to mind. The reality? I am only completely truthful with myself and others about it here on this site. And, I have yet to be judged by that; in fact, the opposite. I feel understood and cared for here. Thank you for posting. I believe I can say I understand what you are going through. But, I hope you don't do as I and let your guard down. I hope it was a one day slip for you, my friend. Don't be as thick-headed as I've been about it. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Its over and behind you now. Alcohol makes me high, happy, and invincible (haha) once it wears off I am in a black hole of depression. You seem to be the same way. take care of yourself today. drink plenty of water, shower, sleep and get back into your recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,902
It's 4:00 in the morning and you are posting on a website concerned about the drinking you've just done.
You were able to "moderate" (whatever that means) last night but are concerned that you may return to blackout drinking shortly.
When drinking it Makes me feel like the only time I can be with myself and think about life and my mistakes and how to make sense of it all.
Think carefully about those statements, if you do I think you will find the answer to your question.
You were able to "moderate" (whatever that means) last night but are concerned that you may return to blackout drinking shortly.
When drinking it Makes me feel like the only time I can be with myself and think about life and my mistakes and how to make sense of it all.
Think carefully about those statements, if you do I think you will find the answer to your question.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 64
My own experience and history has been that a moderated session of drinking would lead toward days/weeks long dependency on drinking each day and more. Worry about had I done the right thing quickly turns into worry about where the next drink is coming from...because I can not drink like "normal" people because I am an alcoholic.
The lies and self deceit in our selves and to others is quite baffling and amazing..my own belief is over the years the use has corrupted my brain , changed its structure physically and chemically all for the demons purpose of using so the idea of its self will is useless now...surrender is my only option.
Hopefully you got some sleep and can do some self care and get back on your plan. I know my slips don't always end up into slides but never worth the risk .
The lies and self deceit in our selves and to others is quite baffling and amazing..my own belief is over the years the use has corrupted my brain , changed its structure physically and chemically all for the demons purpose of using so the idea of its self will is useless now...surrender is my only option.
Hopefully you got some sleep and can do some self care and get back on your plan. I know my slips don't always end up into slides but never worth the risk .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 21
Thank you all for your responses. I will try and write this through the tears... this is how I feel...
I feel like, I have done some bad things in my life and I owe it to those bad deeds to not forget them, and in fact constantly relive them over and over again in my mind, as though I deserve to feel miserable, and I deserve that punishment. How should I have the audacity to think that I deserve to be happy when I have done some of the things that I have done. All of those things were under the influence. Drinking only allows me to relive them, feel remorse for them and not move on from them. When I was sober for those few 28 days, I felt great. Then my mind told me that I didn't deserve to feel great. That the past still happened and how dare I carry on as though it never did. I know this is crazy and self destructive. Everyday, I do good things. I am a good friend, a good daughter and great at my job. I help people everyday, often overgiving of myself, almost as though maybe if I do enough good deeds, they will make up for all the bad things I have done. When I get too happy, to strong, to healthy, I actually feel guilty for it. As if I have no right, then I drink and soak in my misery. Even after an extremely fun night with my best friend since we were 9, I had to come home, drink more and sit in the dark, to just be reflective and ultimately miserable. Like a punishment.
I don't know if this makes any sense. I don't know how to let myself believe that I deserve happiness and that I am a good person, who does positive things for others everyday.
Your words touch my heart. To know that I can be this open, with strangers- to know that you will listen and offer advice and understanding, is the only strength that is keeping me okay in this exact moment. I would have never described myself as weak. I am weak with alcohol. It kicks my a** everytime.
Thank you all.
Here's to Day 1
I feel like, I have done some bad things in my life and I owe it to those bad deeds to not forget them, and in fact constantly relive them over and over again in my mind, as though I deserve to feel miserable, and I deserve that punishment. How should I have the audacity to think that I deserve to be happy when I have done some of the things that I have done. All of those things were under the influence. Drinking only allows me to relive them, feel remorse for them and not move on from them. When I was sober for those few 28 days, I felt great. Then my mind told me that I didn't deserve to feel great. That the past still happened and how dare I carry on as though it never did. I know this is crazy and self destructive. Everyday, I do good things. I am a good friend, a good daughter and great at my job. I help people everyday, often overgiving of myself, almost as though maybe if I do enough good deeds, they will make up for all the bad things I have done. When I get too happy, to strong, to healthy, I actually feel guilty for it. As if I have no right, then I drink and soak in my misery. Even after an extremely fun night with my best friend since we were 9, I had to come home, drink more and sit in the dark, to just be reflective and ultimately miserable. Like a punishment.
I don't know if this makes any sense. I don't know how to let myself believe that I deserve happiness and that I am a good person, who does positive things for others everyday.
Your words touch my heart. To know that I can be this open, with strangers- to know that you will listen and offer advice and understanding, is the only strength that is keeping me okay in this exact moment. I would have never described myself as weak. I am weak with alcohol. It kicks my a** everytime.
Thank you all.
Here's to Day 1
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
I spent years thinking I did not deserve happiness - and more than that...I'd become comfortable in my blackness and sadness.
It was horrible but it was familiar too, y'know?
It scared me to think of life without that familarity....and so I'd go back to what I knew
We all do deserve happiness - and life is better without the gloom...I think we all know that.
I don't know what your plans are, but counselling helped me work some of this out...as did stopping drinking, of course - that really screws your perception up.
It's the first step into the light that's the hardest - but you're not alone
D
It was horrible but it was familiar too, y'know?
It scared me to think of life without that familarity....and so I'd go back to what I knew
We all do deserve happiness - and life is better without the gloom...I think we all know that.
I don't know what your plans are, but counselling helped me work some of this out...as did stopping drinking, of course - that really screws your perception up.
It's the first step into the light that's the hardest - but you're not alone
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
The 4th step in AA helps you to forgive yourself for the things that are haunting you.
I have done some dumb things to alot of people...that step is taking forever. LOL But I am at the point where I know I can't change the past, I can't make it different and there's no sense reliving the past to ruin my future. That is all I have now. I want it to be the best that I can possibley make it sober.
Everyone has regrets and drinking masks those feelings and why you go over and over them again & again when you drink.
You deserve to feel good...to feel sober, to be in control...to live the life you want -not the way the past dictates you to feel.
I know drinking makes us all feel warm and fuzzy and keeps us in a comfort zone that is scary to step out of. But once out...you'll never know why you wanted to sit there in the first place.
I have counseling also, as Dee mentioned, and although I really didn't know why I drank except for the simple reason that I could -that all changed a couple weeks ago. I dealt with the problem and understand it and the big balloon popped and its over.
Every alcoholic is weak to alcohol -its just a fact. You will overcome that weakness and day 2 is on its way....keeping you in my thoughts...
I have done some dumb things to alot of people...that step is taking forever. LOL But I am at the point where I know I can't change the past, I can't make it different and there's no sense reliving the past to ruin my future. That is all I have now. I want it to be the best that I can possibley make it sober.
Everyone has regrets and drinking masks those feelings and why you go over and over them again & again when you drink.
You deserve to feel good...to feel sober, to be in control...to live the life you want -not the way the past dictates you to feel.
I know drinking makes us all feel warm and fuzzy and keeps us in a comfort zone that is scary to step out of. But once out...you'll never know why you wanted to sit there in the first place.
I have counseling also, as Dee mentioned, and although I really didn't know why I drank except for the simple reason that I could -that all changed a couple weeks ago. I dealt with the problem and understand it and the big balloon popped and its over.
Every alcoholic is weak to alcohol -its just a fact. You will overcome that weakness and day 2 is on its way....keeping you in my thoughts...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 62
You say you did some really bad things under the influence... If you truly feel that, don't let those things be in vain!! Don't let those experiences be for nothing... Learn from them!! You being sober and happy isn't wrong, it means you have learned from what you have done. No matter what you did, you cannot beat yourself up forever... You have to eventually forgive yourself and move on, however you are able to.
I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. Good luck with the next 28 days and beyond.
I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. Good luck with the next 28 days and beyond.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 413
Hopeful 23, there is always now to quit again. dont let ultimatums over specific dates con you into giving up giving up!! Try to be kind to yourself. I dont know if looking for reasons why u abuse alcohol is going to do any good. As far as I can see this thing is a disease and has nothing to do with reasons other than personality type and/or biology.
Just quit for today and let tomorrow look after itself!
Just quit for today and let tomorrow look after itself!
Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
Posts: 717
Thinking of and praying for you, Hopeful. Please keep posting and working. There will be a time and place to dispose of all that wretched guilt and shame. For now, it's all about the not drinking part.
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