What next
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
What next
Again thanks for listening.
What I know I should do, what is easiest to do, & what I will do are all so intertwined.
I am married to two different men: One I was married to for 15 yrs & a slightly different man for the last 6 yrs.
I need to call it quits, I need to end everything, stop letting him count on me & fix the problems he has caused himself. I have live with confusion for 5.5 yrs. & pure hell for 6 months.
But where would that put our children, our families, our employees, and our friends. And why am I the only one worried about this. Obviously he doesn't give a dam* about any of the above.
If he was totally irresponsible all the time, just hell bent on destruction that would be different. But he's not, only 60% of the time.
And what about our vows. For better or worse. This is the worse. But what if he hust doesn't seem to care about my worse?
This is hereditary for him. But after all the counseling, it just gets worse. When is my commitment over?
I know my life will be better if I just go away and do what's best for me. But what about all the collateral damage in the wake?
Thanks
What I know I should do, what is easiest to do, & what I will do are all so intertwined.
I am married to two different men: One I was married to for 15 yrs & a slightly different man for the last 6 yrs.
I need to call it quits, I need to end everything, stop letting him count on me & fix the problems he has caused himself. I have live with confusion for 5.5 yrs. & pure hell for 6 months.
But where would that put our children, our families, our employees, and our friends. And why am I the only one worried about this. Obviously he doesn't give a dam* about any of the above.
If he was totally irresponsible all the time, just hell bent on destruction that would be different. But he's not, only 60% of the time.
And what about our vows. For better or worse. This is the worse. But what if he hust doesn't seem to care about my worse?
This is hereditary for him. But after all the counseling, it just gets worse. When is my commitment over?
I know my life will be better if I just go away and do what's best for me. But what about all the collateral damage in the wake?
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
barelyhere, Im so sorry you going through this, I feel or should say felt your pain.
when you asked what will become of our friends/family/employees, I wanted you to know that you will be surprised what people see and you will be surprised how people will support you.
I too believed in my marriage vows, for better or worse, but there comes a time when the vows are violated and they elect to not honor the vows, its not your fault. I know for better or worse, but what is making it worse?
something we cant control, and illness that there is help for, an illness that only they can get help for, an illness that we suffer from too.
is him giving 60% acceptable to you? I never put a percentage on what my exah gave, but I can tell you no matter what percentage it was, (it went from 0 to 100 minute by minute) but its his behaviors and lifestyle that were unacceptable to me. we all are not the person we once was when we first got married, we arent talking about that. we
are talking about addiction and what it has done to you as well as him.
I hope you continue with support, in time you will know what to do, maybe he will too. but it sounds like to me that your tired and your going to get tired, believe me it is tiring. think it through, keep getting support, you will
know what to do when the time is right, but try to take care of yourself, dont worry about the what if's , things fall into place for the best,things will happen that you never thought they would and there are times when you think they wont and there will be times when you dont think there is a light at the end of the turnnel, there is barelyhere...keep strong..concentrate on your recovery.
sending you a hug...hope you get through this, dont lose hope
when you asked what will become of our friends/family/employees, I wanted you to know that you will be surprised what people see and you will be surprised how people will support you.
I too believed in my marriage vows, for better or worse, but there comes a time when the vows are violated and they elect to not honor the vows, its not your fault. I know for better or worse, but what is making it worse?
something we cant control, and illness that there is help for, an illness that only they can get help for, an illness that we suffer from too.
is him giving 60% acceptable to you? I never put a percentage on what my exah gave, but I can tell you no matter what percentage it was, (it went from 0 to 100 minute by minute) but its his behaviors and lifestyle that were unacceptable to me. we all are not the person we once was when we first got married, we arent talking about that. we
are talking about addiction and what it has done to you as well as him.
I hope you continue with support, in time you will know what to do, maybe he will too. but it sounds like to me that your tired and your going to get tired, believe me it is tiring. think it through, keep getting support, you will
know what to do when the time is right, but try to take care of yourself, dont worry about the what if's , things fall into place for the best,things will happen that you never thought they would and there are times when you think they wont and there will be times when you dont think there is a light at the end of the turnnel, there is barelyhere...keep strong..concentrate on your recovery.
sending you a hug...hope you get through this, dont lose hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
Thank you TAM for your kind & wise words. Since I came onto this sight in desperation you have been there for me. Not telling me to leave & run for the hills & also not telling me to give in. Your wise words of take your time & do what is best. Has really helped me. I am in the middle of making a lot of big decisions. I have went through the early part of shock & fear. I have done the fix it & work with the professionals. And now I am making my long term decisions. This can't go on much longer. I am at the end of my decision making. I can only hope I do what is best. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Well, I was and still somewhat am in the same boat. Altho I have legally handled my situation, I still am lingering around hanging on to a thread with my husband. It is truly one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing(s) I have ever gone through or done. It is not easy by any stretch to go through these steps. I have to say, I think some people have an easier time for some reason and others (like myself) don't. I wish I knew why that was. What is it that they have that I don't? And when I say this, I mean those people you meet who faced an addictive spouse and pretty early on said they were done. Anyway...
I also put up with addictive behaviors for 5-6 years. We are past the 18 year marriage mark. It is astounding sometimes when I look back at some of the crap he has done or pulled and I just shake my head and wonder why the heck I held on so long? But then I also know he would shape up for a bit...enough to keep me hanging on to hope. And I'd fall for it hook, line and sinker and in no time, find myself at the same place with him, over and over and over again. Here is the thing, as we have played this game with them, they have gotten sicker and sicker (and so have we). My AH claims to be clean from drugs right now, but his horrendous "behaviors" still seem to be lingering. It sickens me, and makes me realize that I don't want that anymore - regardless of whether drugs are being used or not.
I wrestled with the "better or worse" thing a lot. I wrestled with my own strong commitments to marriage. I wondered at times was it just my lot in life? Misery and pain and loneliness...was this going to be my life with him until death do us part? I have actually heard of people (not many thankfully) who have done just that. I simply can not imagine it.
When I set my very first appt for a consult with a lawyer I was sooo sick about it because of all of the above. I made an appt with my pastor and he told me that a legal separation was a valid thing to do based on our situation. I will not go on about my Christian or Biblical revelations about this here, but suffice it to say that I no longer feel the guilt about choosing to separate our marriage as I did prior to these understandings. I chose the legal sep route because of the above things I mentioned. I have no idea where I will be a year from now! But that is just where I am right now...and a legal sep is basically a divorce without the dissolution of the marriage part, which probably means different things to different people. For me, I just know that I was more comfortable with it.
Additionally, I let my AH know what I was doing every step along the way. I thought maybe, just maybe, it might bring about an epiphany for him. Well it didn't...that is why I went through with it.
When I think about who my husband was 7-8 years ago, it is a STARK contrast to who he is now. Mine no longer gives a dam*, but the strange thing is that he thinks he does. That is just another symptom of the madness of addiction! I got so tired of being the only one worried about finances, among other things. It is just so darn sad.
Only you will know when your "commitment" ends. I have had people over the years trying to tell me what they would do, etc. and I never did it. Talk is easy, actions not so much. I couldn't bring myself to let go. And I admit, the collateral damage was always close in my mind. I knew there would be collateral damage and I wanted to avoid it. I finally reached a point where the pain of staying seemed worse than the pain of somehow going away. It has been true for me what people say here, "you stop when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired". That is me.
Some things that also are in the front of my mind...that life is short, and we only get one. Time is flying by and we can't reclaim lost years. I want to be happy. I want the life I used to have darn it. But at some point I had to see that my life was miserable and I didn't want that for myself anymore.
Sorry for all the rambling on. I just know how hard and painful it all is (still is for me) and my heart breaks for you. It breaks for all of us. Addiction is merciless, and so senseless, and so destructive...even so to the people that don't use the drugs. It is so hard to understand sometimes, to even wrap your brain around it. Nothing makes sense! Except that so much is at stake, and so much loss.
****{HUGS}}} Take care of yourself, be easy on yourself, and know that this has been transpiring for years and you don't have to rush yourself. I took my old sweet time, and I know I couldn't have handled it any other way. Take care.
I also put up with addictive behaviors for 5-6 years. We are past the 18 year marriage mark. It is astounding sometimes when I look back at some of the crap he has done or pulled and I just shake my head and wonder why the heck I held on so long? But then I also know he would shape up for a bit...enough to keep me hanging on to hope. And I'd fall for it hook, line and sinker and in no time, find myself at the same place with him, over and over and over again. Here is the thing, as we have played this game with them, they have gotten sicker and sicker (and so have we). My AH claims to be clean from drugs right now, but his horrendous "behaviors" still seem to be lingering. It sickens me, and makes me realize that I don't want that anymore - regardless of whether drugs are being used or not.
I wrestled with the "better or worse" thing a lot. I wrestled with my own strong commitments to marriage. I wondered at times was it just my lot in life? Misery and pain and loneliness...was this going to be my life with him until death do us part? I have actually heard of people (not many thankfully) who have done just that. I simply can not imagine it.
When I set my very first appt for a consult with a lawyer I was sooo sick about it because of all of the above. I made an appt with my pastor and he told me that a legal separation was a valid thing to do based on our situation. I will not go on about my Christian or Biblical revelations about this here, but suffice it to say that I no longer feel the guilt about choosing to separate our marriage as I did prior to these understandings. I chose the legal sep route because of the above things I mentioned. I have no idea where I will be a year from now! But that is just where I am right now...and a legal sep is basically a divorce without the dissolution of the marriage part, which probably means different things to different people. For me, I just know that I was more comfortable with it.
Additionally, I let my AH know what I was doing every step along the way. I thought maybe, just maybe, it might bring about an epiphany for him. Well it didn't...that is why I went through with it.
When I think about who my husband was 7-8 years ago, it is a STARK contrast to who he is now. Mine no longer gives a dam*, but the strange thing is that he thinks he does. That is just another symptom of the madness of addiction! I got so tired of being the only one worried about finances, among other things. It is just so darn sad.
Only you will know when your "commitment" ends. I have had people over the years trying to tell me what they would do, etc. and I never did it. Talk is easy, actions not so much. I couldn't bring myself to let go. And I admit, the collateral damage was always close in my mind. I knew there would be collateral damage and I wanted to avoid it. I finally reached a point where the pain of staying seemed worse than the pain of somehow going away. It has been true for me what people say here, "you stop when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired". That is me.
Some things that also are in the front of my mind...that life is short, and we only get one. Time is flying by and we can't reclaim lost years. I want to be happy. I want the life I used to have darn it. But at some point I had to see that my life was miserable and I didn't want that for myself anymore.
Sorry for all the rambling on. I just know how hard and painful it all is (still is for me) and my heart breaks for you. It breaks for all of us. Addiction is merciless, and so senseless, and so destructive...even so to the people that don't use the drugs. It is so hard to understand sometimes, to even wrap your brain around it. Nothing makes sense! Except that so much is at stake, and so much loss.
****{HUGS}}} Take care of yourself, be easy on yourself, and know that this has been transpiring for years and you don't have to rush yourself. I took my old sweet time, and I know I couldn't have handled it any other way. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
for me, there is no legal seperation in our state, I will be honest to say if he didnt runaway Im not so sure if I could have filed for divorce either, so now I see it as a blessing although at the time I didnt.(him leaving)
prior to him leaving, I felt exactly like you all have mentioned.
we were together 27 years, this was the 2nd incident of addiction with him, I truly never thought it was going to happen again to us,but it did.
least I can say I tried and boy did I try.
he too isnt the man he was 6 years ago, I wasnt looking for the man I married cause gosh who is the same, all I wanted was for him to get sober.
I would have stayed for his sobriety and his recovery.
I too relied on my religion,which was helpful with accepting what happened,
not carrying any guilt and also to let go and let god.
prior to him leaving, I felt exactly like you all have mentioned.
we were together 27 years, this was the 2nd incident of addiction with him, I truly never thought it was going to happen again to us,but it did.
least I can say I tried and boy did I try.
he too isnt the man he was 6 years ago, I wasnt looking for the man I married cause gosh who is the same, all I wanted was for him to get sober.
I would have stayed for his sobriety and his recovery.
I too relied on my religion,which was helpful with accepting what happened,
not carrying any guilt and also to let go and let god.
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