So what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
So what?
ABF just called me, and I had been feeling sad and mad at the same time. He was ... kind of belligerent in his tone, and I bought into it. Stupid of me, I know.
I had just finished watching a movie called Unconditional Love, and he said that's what he wanted. He said that unconditional love is where you're either in or you're out, 'til death do us part. I said I didn't have the same definition, that overstepping boundaries consistently wasn't a part of a loving relationship that I wanted to be in.
He then accused me of overstepping his boundaries, and I .... reacted. The anguish, the worry, the lying, the mess, the disengagement... I laid it all out. He said that I'd done all that with my anger and overwork; that there was no difference. And that he hadn't lied to me, ever.
So I... reacted. And laid it all out, how he either had a drink when ds was with him, or gave it to his brother who drove them home, but lied in either case. And his response was so classic, it totally put the brakes on my runaway reactivity.
"So what?!"
Ta-da. Right or wrong, here or there, sad or mad, loving or grieving. So what?
- Sylvie
I had just finished watching a movie called Unconditional Love, and he said that's what he wanted. He said that unconditional love is where you're either in or you're out, 'til death do us part. I said I didn't have the same definition, that overstepping boundaries consistently wasn't a part of a loving relationship that I wanted to be in.
He then accused me of overstepping his boundaries, and I .... reacted. The anguish, the worry, the lying, the mess, the disengagement... I laid it all out. He said that I'd done all that with my anger and overwork; that there was no difference. And that he hadn't lied to me, ever.
So I... reacted. And laid it all out, how he either had a drink when ds was with him, or gave it to his brother who drove them home, but lied in either case. And his response was so classic, it totally put the brakes on my runaway reactivity.
"So what?!"
Ta-da. Right or wrong, here or there, sad or mad, loving or grieving. So what?
- Sylvie
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
FWIW, I stay away from those overly romanticized hollywood love stories. There is no reality there. Unconditional love is something you get from a dog, not a spouse. You will get high blood pressure trying to talk sense with an alcoholic.
L
L
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Wow.
I guess that kind of says it all, doesn't it? How come they get to answer our questions with two word answers, but we can never get away with answering their questions that way?
It's easy to buy into it sometimes, don't beat yourself up too much, okay? Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.
I guess that kind of says it all, doesn't it? How come they get to answer our questions with two word answers, but we can never get away with answering their questions that way?
It's easy to buy into it sometimes, don't beat yourself up too much, okay? Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
In their words, they're doing nothing wrong, and it's our job to read their mind and conform ourselves to their idea of the perfect partner.
And their idea of a perfect partner changes depending upon their mood and the time of day, so even if we could read minds and change ourselves completely we'd still never get there.
It doesn't matter if they recognize this attitude of theirs, because they'll never admit to it, so even if they know they're wrong they'll never tell us. (Not until they start an honest-to-goodness recovery program, anyway.)
It's easy to get sucked into the argument, but impossible to win it. It stinks, but it is what it is.
Unconditional love is unhealthy.
My two conditions are that I be treated with love, and even more importantly, with respect.
And their idea of a perfect partner changes depending upon their mood and the time of day, so even if we could read minds and change ourselves completely we'd still never get there.
It doesn't matter if they recognize this attitude of theirs, because they'll never admit to it, so even if they know they're wrong they'll never tell us. (Not until they start an honest-to-goodness recovery program, anyway.)
It's easy to get sucked into the argument, but impossible to win it. It stinks, but it is what it is.
Unconditional love is unhealthy.
My two conditions are that I be treated with love, and even more importantly, with respect.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Ah, the infamous, "So what?" That's a staple in our recent conversations... I list all the harms AH has done to me, and his response, "So what." It's where we are at in our relationship I guess. He's done caring about my feelings, and I'm done caring about his.
He says that me listing off all the things he's done wrong doesn't serve any purpose other than to make him feel like a pile of $hit. And maybe he's right... I guess that's why I've just stopped talking to him. I have nothing productive to say and hashing and re-hashing all the "wrongs" only pours salt in the wound, for both of us.
My AH wants me to accept his as he is... and I understand that. I want the same. But, the problem is - who he IS, is not what I want.
Ugh, the more I type, the more clarity this post gives me about my own situation.
Can harms done ever really be undone? How the hell do you let go of those hurts and resentments?
He says that me listing off all the things he's done wrong doesn't serve any purpose other than to make him feel like a pile of $hit. And maybe he's right... I guess that's why I've just stopped talking to him. I have nothing productive to say and hashing and re-hashing all the "wrongs" only pours salt in the wound, for both of us.
My AH wants me to accept his as he is... and I understand that. I want the same. But, the problem is - who he IS, is not what I want.
Ugh, the more I type, the more clarity this post gives me about my own situation.
Can harms done ever really be undone? How the hell do you let go of those hurts and resentments?
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