Missy7

the constant reiterations of how some of us (read: me) can't just accept the necessity of quitting and keep whining about how we want to give in?

When I give in I actually solve my other problem--anxiety. Should I ask for an anxiety presciption? Would that make sense to you?

I know that some of us further on their trajectory will ask whether I have decided to quit. I certainly have decided that I should quit, but I'm a really self-destructive person (who isn't?) and I ache to resolve this buzzing anxiety.

I know that I'm better not drinking. I never knew until finding SR how much better. But it feels like the whole time I'm not drinking I'm waiting for something. As I count days it's like I'm counting down to Christmas. I feel like I'm suspended in time.

Not a good evening.

The good news is, Phil (some of you are starting to know him) has been rifling for dinner and has found some frozen spaghetti sauce. Spaghetti can cure anything.

I plan to go to a meeting tomorrow before work. I'm sure my make up will look like hell by the time I get in.

I hope not to let you guys down. I hope not to let myself down.

LaFemme

Missy...you are trying, I have faith in you

I don't know if this helps or not but I tried and failed for 5 years before I got here to SR and got sober...you are approaching this better than I did.

Maybe try and change your views on alcohol...see it as the poison it is...then the thought of slipping will not remind you of Christmas.

Hugs,

LaFemme

Sunnydaze1

You couldn't of said it better Missy! No joke I feel the same way

Bikeguy

I found once I stopped drinking I could work on my anxiety issues, it would not work the other way. It's not easy, but after 79 days I'm feeling so much better. I've learned to live one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. I've learned I can't control everything in my life and I can't freak out over the stuff I can't control. I've learned my health is important, my family is important, I'm important....drinking is not important. You can do this, your important so make the decision to quit today.

Howdy12

I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same about myself. I keep wanting to give in to my anxiety and loneliness but I know once I'm sober it will only be worse.

I'm thinking about going to the doctor for anxiety but I hate medicine. I was on and off so many anti-depressants before I drank and none of them seemed to help. They just made me feel strange, unlike myself...maybe I just felt like normal people do?

I feel so anxious. I used to always wait for that next drink, the next buzz. Now I'm not drinking but the feeling is still there.

Ranger

Hey Missy - if you deal w/chronic anxiety, hells yeah have that convo w/your doc. That ain't nothin but equipping yourself to succeed. Early sobriety can be tough enough on its own. Adding chronic anxiety to the mix simply isn't giving yourself a fair shake.

EmeraldRose

Only you know how bad the anxiety affects you. You should see a doctor about that, Missy.

I used to stop drinking all the time. My then husband would drive me to go shopping so I didn't stop for booze. We'd go to dinner and both would just order soda. He wouldn't keep his bottle in the house. Things changed in the household but didn't change within me. It wasn't my time.
All of those steps were nice gestures but if I knew that I had to change my heart things would have been different sooner.
And soon I was back to my ways -quickly, too, because it wasn't a change within me. He thought he was helping but technically it wasn't doing a dang thing for me but p*ss me off. LOL
Sounds like your heart is unfufilled with your choice to stop completely. Your heart has to be in it, too.

Tell Phil I said hi! LOL

Missy7

It even feels like it's not a female thing to say...when I think...I really need a drink and I'll deal with it later. I feel like that undercuts my femininity. I'm not hyper feminine, but it does matter to me. And I know how many women are alcoholics, but there is something about it...

And my name is not Missy. On the night of my last real bash I told my husband "Missy is gonna have some tequila." The next day, when I stopped shaking enough to get on the internet, I miraculously found SR and needed a handle. So that name, Missy, is kinda funny for tough me.

I appreciate hearing from those of you who say you feel the same. I guess we need to figure out how to overcome it. I wish I had one or two sleeping pills...just shut it off.

It's actually the opposite. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted from hell-week. And alcohol gives me energy. I know that it's a depressant, but not at first.

Thanks guys.

EmeraldRose

My first name isn't Emerald, either!

Missy7

Oh, Emerald, my heart is in it. But I'm gonna be a tough case for lots of reasons.

I told Phil you said Hi. He's so sweet, but he doesn't get it. He really doesn't.

Missy7

I love being sober. I loved it today when the Dean sat down in my office and I carried on a sophisticated conversation with her without ever wondering if my eyes were too red. I love the recall I have--the ability to flit from subject to subject.

I also love not owning my responsibilities.

I do not love having left a desperate post more like a middle school cry for help than anything I ever did as a teen (drinking Spanada at 13) but

I do love, more than almost anything that has ever happened to me, that I can place that post and in a few minutes there is a small army of names I have grown to love already sharing and caring--even if I'm being a baby.

I feel so inauthentic, but I must say that the risk I will drink at any moment is very real. I know you know that. But there's this ownership thing. It's still round 2, just barely. Hanging in there. I just don't have the energy to do anything but watch TV or something less active.

MsCooterBrown

I don't know if this will help..but I can only tell you what changed in me. I think that ALOT of alcoholics are suffering from depression or one of the many kinds of anxiety. Anxiety is brutal..I thought that I had it until I stopped drinking. The deal is that alcohol fuels anxiety. You think you are drinking to calm yourself down..and yeah that is what it feels like so we keep drinking to feel better. And you do feel the calm UNTIL the next day. Then the anxiety comes back with a vengeance. I hated it..would actually go into a panic attack. BUT after I quit drinking SLOWLY the calm started. I am thinking I could really notice the change after 3 weeks. And it may not be the same way for everyone. I no longer have anxiety. I work in a high pressure job complete with deadlines from hell. NOW I feel like when I am under the gun it is adrenaline. Way different from panic attack. Alcohol also increased the feeling of doom. I was in a situation where I had alot of fear. I HATE FEAR. So I would drink to numb that instead of figuring out how the hell to get out of it. All I know is it truly is vile. I drank from the time I was barely a teenager all the way thru but the last 5 or 6 years I took a turn for the worse..I wish you well. If it is bad anxiety heck yeah see your doctor. I am one that would trade one addiction for the other so I am happy beyond words that it went away. I wish you the best!!

Ranger

Doppelganger!!


Sincerely,

Lone

Dee74

It took me the best part of 20 years to simply accept that I could not drink and not have negative consequences.

Accepting I was an alcoholic, and accepting I was a better person sober, took even longer.

You're streets ahead of me Missy - you've found SR and you're fighting.

It's worth the struggle, believe me

and yes...please seek medical advice about anxiety...

D

EmeraldRose

Missy, I am sorry you are struggling.

After reading posts here, I reminded myself of anxiety I had about 10 years ago when we started a plumbing company. I never ran a business before. I never hired anyone, or fired anyone, or did payroll, or taxes, etc and I was drinking at the time. (What else is new?) I did go to the doctor because I thought I was going to flip out. I do know how you feel, now I think back. I guess I had blocked that section from my memory tape. Anyway, I was given a non addictive medicine. It helped to take the edge off. But I remember one time I was out of pills and was getting panicy, called the doctor for more and knew then it was a problem, too. But yeah, I remember have anxiety attacks.

(((hugs)))

Missy7

We're going to try to keep things under control by watching Black Swan. Now there's a nice, calm ya down kinda film. Maybe she's more twitchy than I am...

Zencat

I experienced some ambivalence when I first stopped drinking. On one hand drinking still had some good points, it was calming, relaxing, fun, yet the consequence at that point in my drinking experience were harsh.

So I came to the conclusion that I needed to try sobriety. I didn't know what to expect. Would all the fun of life dry up as I dried up from booze. Happy I found sobriety to be a way to really feel the joys in life, yes the sorrows too. But The sorrows were more manageable, as with my life.

Changing my behavior was one of the most rewarding things I ever did. To go from unclear about my drinking, to no more rationalizations, excuses, twist of experiences, denial of my capabilities, general hogwash of being ineffective to stop my drinking...I got real about my want to be sober.

It takes time and practice to learn new behaviors. Yet there is nothing compared to a job well done...talk about self-worth building, yea recovery is like that

Humbled77

"As I count days it's like I'm counting down to Christmas."

This was funny.

Missy7

Okay, Nina in Black Swan is more tightly wound than me. And frankly, she really needs a drink.

Howdy12

Ahahaha, Missy. Your last comment cracked me up.