Buffalo66

i know there are things to be grateful for, and I am...I just have been waiting for things to take a turn for the positive.

I had so much hope, and I feel so beat down. nope not much for detachment today.

I am consumed with anger today..Iguess I am even surprised by it...

My son is here, hes been playing nicely I keep excusing myself to cry.

communication w RAh is in delusion overdrive last two days, with him denying everything good that I do, denying everything abusive he does...I snapped, before son got home. I must have texted RAH a novel. I read back over it, Its not mean, just clear, honest and no bullsh*t. I just laid it out. Basically just,

"Look, MF, you behaved ---way for years, I gave you chances and chances, I waited, left, waited, did not turn you in for support when you couldnt handle it, let you see and maintain a relationship with your son while you were a homeless gutter person who was humiliating lying to and disrespecting me... I want some respect and gratitude, now... I am sick, sick sick of you needing an award for lifting a hand to help for 6 months out of the last 7 years of his life... and instead of taking "inventoryies" and listing "amends" you are looking around for more acknowledgement, and nitpicking about what is not to your liking."

This is SOOO not what I want to be. This is not even something that feels good anymore, to lash at him with the truth, to call him out...its negative and hurtful, and NOT WHO I WANT TO BE, but I backslid today, after months of keeping my street pretty clean. Now I am once again psychotext girl. sigh. *

Its like back to square one, like 5 years backward.
I KNOW its not but I really feel like it.

I am not happy with my behavior. I went on like this in text after text. He just kept inciting.

I just snappppppped.

I sometimes want to kick myself int he teeth for allowing myself to be this entangled. But then I realize I have been using him to do that for years.

theuncertainty

I bet that 5 years ago, you wouldn't have even stopped to think that this is not who you want to be. Big hugs. How's your kiddo doing?

wanttobehealthy

Like uncertainty said... at least you see that you don't like how caught up in the b.s. he's been spewing you are-- it IS really hard, particularly when we're worn out, tired, emotional, striving to not let it get to us for days on end, to hold out and not give in at times to reacting in ways that we know will make us probably feel worse in the long run be we do it anyway.

Is there a t-shirt for 'psycho-text girl? We could make one and sell it bc I was that girl big time last summer and early this fall with AH. I made myself nuts and thank god for my T slapping (metaphorically slapping some sense into me.

I think that if our AH's told us we were bad employees or didn't dress well or they hated our hair that would be a lot easier to "detach" from than being told we haven't been kind enough, good enough, tried hard enough etc... All the things you listed your H has been saying are things I've heard too. They really get at me deep down and it's HARD HARD HARD to not respond.

What I've found fwiw if I can resist saying anything back it stops. I used to think I HAD to reply to make him stop but all that did was keep it going (yes I see the irony of what I am saying here and what I've been doing on here the past few days). The less I respond to him the faster it stops.

Everything you told him is probably 100% on the money but it's not likely to get through to him. He probably knows what you said is true but he also knows that he knows how to get under your skin and you're right that he's going to keep inciting-- so you have to be the one to stop. And I know how tough that is.

You are not back to square one at all. You are a human who had a minor snap. You'll bounce back and I bet the next time this situation arises you'll be that much wiser about what you will and won't do bc of what you learned today (not from us but from how you feel/felt even as you were texting...)

You have a young child, you are trying to break away from dysfunction, you want things to take a turn for the positive (I think you said that at the start of your post right) and you got disheartened today. Normal. Don't beat yourself up.

What is it that al anon says? Living with an A is too much for most of us... it's true. Even with the best program of recovery it's hard and you're going to stumble. If you give yourself permission to be human maybe that makes it less upsetting when you do stumble? (note to self: try and take my own advice!)

Thinking of you!

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

You had a slip and thats Ok. It sucks when we revert back, especially when we have come so far but you are only being human. Sometimes all the BS we have been through plays in our head and we react to it and not in a good way. Try not to be so hard on yourself and move forward.

You might feel like you are not where you want to be today but you sure are not where you were 5 years ago either. Keep truckin along because things will get better and better. We are all a work in progress and will continue our journey. Slips and all!

:ghug3

lillamy

So you snapped.
That never happened to me. Haha.

You know, I find that one of the biggest challenges of recovery for me is to not fall into the codie tendency thing to have to do it perfectly.

So you fall down. And then you get up and brush the dirt off your front and get the grass out of your hair and then you get on with it again.

Mistakes are only useless if you don't learn from them. And you haven't just learned, you've also shared your lesson. Good for you.

Alone22

No need to be sorry to us! I like that we can call come here and say what we need to say positive or negative. If we were all just posting the positive stuff how honest would this board really be? We are dealing with stuff that is difficult, very difficult. I don't like when I respond the way you did too, but we are only human and we are not perfect. Who knows maybe in was in his HP's plan to have you do that???? At this point let it go...what is done is done, move forward from here.

duqld1717

I don't think you should feel bad about yourself at all for what you said. You said what was in your heart at the time. Why should he get to say and do whatever he wants and you have to hold back? I'm sure he doesn't think twice when he texts you rude things. I know that is not the person you want to be, but cut yourself a break-you spoke the truth. Don't sweat the small stuff and don't worry about being perfect because no one is, and especially no one can ever be perfect in a relationship with an Alcoholic. Its just impossible.

Tuffgirl

I found this one hard to let go of...the desire to keep harassing my RAH with my truth. And now I view it as harassment. Not that he wasn't participating...he did his fair share...we are both guilty of doing this to each other.

I finally sat down one day and began writing him letters when I get angry or hurt. I no longer confront, unless it is to calmly state my feelings or position and what he does with it is his business. I don't repeat myself nor argue with him anymore. It wasn't who I wanted to be anymore. So when I go there and have trouble getting out of that place, I write it out. I will never give him those letters. It's really for me to blow off my own steam.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Each time is a learning experience... I think I needed do to that every once in a while to learn detachment and acceptance.

Buffalo66

the desire to keep harassing my RAH with my truth. And now I view it as harassment. Not that he wasn't participating...he did his fair share...we are both guilty of doing this to each other.

TUFF GIRL thank you!

This is me..
I saw and realized this about 6 months ago.

That I was abusive BACK to him.
EVEN if what I say is true, I can freaking go on and on, and who could stand that kind of assault, and I would argue with and justify myself for years for having devolved to that level,
"He deserves it, He dishes it out, he started it..."
ANd then I just saw it, and decided it should not matter what he says does, or takes part in, I DONT DO THAT> Its not WHO I AM>

SO, I tried stopping, I made progress, then I made more and more...

And its been a while since I really let him have it like this.
This is my relapse, if you will. And I never FULLY stopped "using" this to release/ease pain inside of me.

But I went from being a daily abuser of the "truth" of who he was, and what he did, to being a quiet spectator...

It helped me a lot, and I can see now that the assaults on him only hurt me, and do damage to him, and I really dont want to do damage to him.Not because HE doesnt deserve it, but because thats not who I REALLY AM> I know better. I have better tools. I just forgot about them for 8 years or so.

Carol Star

You just had a bucket of anger and he put in one too many drops.....so you unloaded it. We put up with so much ca ca but we are human. We know better we do better. At least in recovery we learn where those resentments can take us. Addicts/alcoholics lose their ability to feel guilt and remorse and it pisses us off. Or for me it pissed me off. I lost it a couple of times. Progress over perfection.

kittykitty

The best part is the realization that you want better for yourself. Not better from him, or anyone else around you, but better from yourself, which is the only thing you can control. It is totally in your power to not be that person anymore. Isn't that great, that we all have that power, to change the parts of us that we don't like anymore? Just awesome.

What's done is done, so look to the future, and your youngster, and focus on doing what you have to so it doesn't happen again...
We've allllllllll been there

barb dwyer

awwwwww. Titanka. (buffalo)

hey some days are better than others.

stuff builds
stuff has to vent.

that's just how stuff is.

we don't have to do this like Jesus did it.
We just have to do our best.

Everyone has a low day
and you got some stuff out of your head
that's obviously been building.

And - you found another button
to disarm.
Or at least reprogram.

Linkmeister

Buffalo: We're all human and to acknowledge that along with out our mistakes, our slips, snapping, hey, it happens to all of us.

I have done my fair share of snapping, of going off the deep end, of putting on epic performances of hurt and anger but the difference is now I know when I have slipped - I acknowledge it, learn from it and move on from it. Progress not perfection.

keepinon

This is why we don't get chips in alanon:rotfxko..I notice my relapses are shorter and I can see it when I am in the middle of it.It also doesn't feel good anymore..that's what recovery does.Before recovery you probably would of just posted about what an ahole he is.now your looking at YOUR behavior..big progress..the next big part for me was disengaging and moving from the level of the problem (what THEY are doing) to the level of the solution (where do I want to be headed?)