Abundance

This was very confusing to me. It all felt like such a contradiction. The battle of doing what is right - but it felt so wrong!

Once I got over the hurdle of not doing what I've been taught to do my whole life - which is help and rescue by loving - giving - and doing for them what they are not able to do (come to find out, what they are CHOOSING to not do) ... things started becoming easier to swallow.

How is doing nothing - doing something? You aren't doing anything. No - but you are making that CHOICE to not do anything. That right there is something.
When you aren't doing anything like... as in - "Hands off the addict" - you ARE doing something - but in a domino effect kind of way - they start falling - ON THE ADDICT - .... NOT YOU! Your action of NOT doing anything leads them to take responsibility and hit their bottom and / or move on to somebody else that they can tap energy out of. That person does NOT need to be you. And that energy anyway - is just going to lift them up towards their addiction - which is the last thing any of us wants.

So - while it does feel bad - it hurts - it feels odd - not right - totally opposite of the "do-gooder" feeling that you've always had - it's the BEST that you can do for your addict and yourself.

I got so sick (physically, mentally, and emotionally) - it was like I was the addict - I kind of was - I was addicted to the situation - I was addicted to being in the mix of it all - I was addicted to him - I was addicted to knowing everything I could - just so I could break out the "AH - HA... you DID this - I KNEW it - I'm NOT crazy!" Ummmm... ugh .... let's re-think that "I'm not crazy" part! yeah - I was pretty much crazy to have invested so much of my time, my love, my energy into "addiction".... it's empty and it lives on people who are co-dependents. It's how the addiction survives.... by the enablers..

Don't be an enabler. Don't be a part of their addiction... period. And be a part of YOURSELF - your happiness - your RIGHTS to LIFE! You will never beat anyone's addiction. NEVER ~ EVER.

Peace and Love xo*

outtolunch

Worthy of a repeat.

Absolutely no one other than the addict can do all the work necessary to sustain their own recovery.

steve1840

wow- this comes at the right time for me.

BBD

Hi Abundance~~ I read those exact words a few years ago and just didn't get it. Took a while and some insight to realize how true those words are. I only pray that those wives, moms, bfs, girlfriends~~~~~can read and read and get the point before they suffer as I have. Addiction is a horrible lifestyle and it tears a family to pieces without the addict even realizing what they are really doing.....so everyone out there.....PLEASE~~step away from the addict and take care of yourself.....thanks for the post~~hugs~

steve1840

its the hardest thing i've ever been faced with. it does go against some way of thinking, but at the same time makes sense.

my biggest problem is letting go, and leaving everything to the unknown. there are countless reasons i am worried, scared, and at times terrified.

keepinon

Amen sister!

Abundance

I know - I really thought that there were holes in it. Like - Oh you don't know ME -and the power I have!!!!! lol No... not me, myself, I or ANYONE has that kind of power to control another person. Heck - not even a federal or state prison has that control - locking them up with cameras - addicts will do what they gotta do until they are done with suffering all the consequences of addiction. CONSEQUENCES - that is what it comes down to - and they first have to acknowledge the consequences ... forget about getting sick and tired of the door slamming in their face every time. We can talk and talk and talk to them about these pending or current or past consequences- but seriously - save your breath - cause it just becomes a broken record. True story - I would repeat myself - saying the exact same thing... over and over again - and then when HE would have the light bulb moment of what I had been saying - it was like OOOOOOOH I GET IT! Yeah dumb arse - I've been TELLING you that x amount of times now ... yeah true story I'm sure I'm not alone in that lil story!

Anywho - detachment is very hard (at first), but it does get easier with time and if it doesn't save the addict..... it saves YOU!

I used to think about ... OMG - what if we don't work out and I move on and I share my story with my new partner - and I want to be honest... so I am going to share the truth - and let me tell ya - *My truth* made me feel like please... I can't allow myself to go down any further... how can I seriously explain this w/dignity and feeling good about myself and not sounding like a whiny sad VICTIM.
Okay - so - that was my next hurdle - to not feel any of those things when I got out of addiction and into recovery - and that is where PTSD does come in - but thank goodness for all of these tools I have learned! And the power of today... not yesterday or even tomorrow. Just for today!

Abundance

Steve... what can you control? Seriously. I know I can control being on this site or not. I know that I control what I put in my mouth. I know I can control if I do the dishes or not. I know I can control everything that *I* do! What can you control? What have you controlled already - just today?

(Keep your focus on what you CAN control)!

Have you ever been able to control a person? If you were able to (or lets say you have - hardy har har) ... how did that make YOU feel?

Before this current situation - what else have you not been able to leave to the unknown?

You are choosing to be worried and scared and even terrified for somebody else's choices. How do their choices impact you? The only person who is telling you to have this anxiety .......... is ......... you! Don't see a gun to your head - do you?

steve1840

abundance-
no, i have not controlled another, i do not wish to. maybe it's because i am not THERE yet, but i can't grasp how i am choosing to be worried, scared, or terrified. its just a felling in my gut and head. i can't or haven't learned how to not worry. when my niece was growing up, if she missed her curfew by 20 minutes, i'd start to worry. 40 minutes and i'd worry more. i dont know if i could have controlled that.

i guess her choices do not impact me directly, at least not physically. but her choosing to stay on drugs, and living in a slum, and working the streets impacts me because she is continuing to harm herself and as someone who cares about her it does impact me, at least i think it does.

i can control going to therapy and trying to help myself. so far i cannot control the feelings of anxiety in my stomach. maybe that will come hand in hand w therapy.


a few time i thought i was there. i thought i was getting it and i thought i could handle it. i am again saddened and humbled by this disease.

Abundance

Oh my gosh... I did some really good anxiety/depression therapy for about 6 months solid. It was pretty much trading one thing for another. My worry / concern for his choices was being traded for concerning myself with what made me happy, all of my attributes, and FORCING myself to change my mind up. Literally - I had to tell myself to NOT think or allow that anxiety to creep. And the best way I did that was by thinking good things about myself and everyday doing something really great for me. If you don't do the therapy - do the step work - that is amazing - cause you find out just why you discredit yourself so much to care more about someone else than you do your own sanity.

I swear I didn't think that I would ever go to bed without him in mind or wake up without him in mind.... and time went on - and I just..... got better.

I used to be like that with worry too about other people... and then this power of 'letting go' ... not having that "borrowed worry" ... it becomes empowering ... like ... omg... I'm just going to cross that bridge when i come to it... and Laaawwwd knows I gotta have my energy saved up for whatever catastrophe was pending or lurking (or so I THOUGHT was pending/lurking)!

It seems kind of soul-less... huh? It's not though... it's quite the heartfelt thing to do - because you have purpose... you have reason. You know there is nothing you can do about the "what-if"... but you do know that until that anxiety ridden thoughts prove to be certain - you will have the energy to manage. Un-founded worry/anxiety doesn't serve anything, but wasted energy and time you will never get back. And a yucky feeling being in that time. Ya know?

Don't borrow worry... and that concern you have for her - turn it into compassion... for she doesn't know... and for her to know - has no place for you to cast your emotions - but for her to figure out on her own. Don't give addiction that power of YOUR worry/concern. Instead - take that energy and put it into you via therapy/step work and that in turn will release you so that she can be healed!

Abundance

Also, I, too, didn't understand where such levels of anxiety were manifesting from.

I did a time line of my life. Things that were kind of a big deal - and I placed them on paper... literally - on a time line.

I learned the following:

I was lied to as a child about my parent's realities - about my sister's realities. I chose the "bad boys" - as I felt they could "laugh" and accept my whacky functioning nutty family. Yes - consciously I did that!

I grew up thinking I had a lot of power to control my surroundings as a child and spoke for everyone else other than me. By speaking for others - helping others... I was able to take the focus off of me. That was a learned lesson. And it also made people think that I was just perfectly dandy, as well - cause I never had any issues to be talked about. Everyone else did.

Now, the anxiety crept in because of attachment issues. I had fear of people leaving me - leaving my world that I had so carefully orchestrated. The people I knew so much about - could possibly not be around anymore. My sense of self was in these people... so I guess you could say I feared losing a part of myself. Which is a totally fabricated fear in itself - because how would that even be remotely possible. Well - actually - the more I did lose of people - the more I got back of myself. Aaaah the irony!

Anywho - now - I know to be grateful for the time I have with people and to be grateful for how that they are interested in me and how I am unconditionally grateful of who they are as people. But our worlds don't collide like I used to allow them to. They have their destiny and I have mine.

I think that it really came clear to me when my father finally lost his battle to poor health after years of his almost dying ... that I was able to see the sliver lining.

We all have our own journey, but what helped me - was coming here - going to Al-anon and seeing that we have a choice in how we perceive and what actions we take or don't take. Along with the amount of tools. Like ... simple ones... in the smilieys down below. "Attack the argument not the person, noooo why - MAJOR OVER REACTION ALERT, or mean what you say - don't say it mean ... or the 3 C's. And so many more. And keeping to your boundaries... and starting small - so that you can follow thru.

I've seen your progress and I think you have times of set backs... but with each one.. you come back stronger

BBD

Great thread abundance~~~I'm thinking you have a degree in "Reality"~~~~ thanks~

Abundance

LOL BBD... seriously! That did make LOL... but I am pretty sure... we ALL do! Some of us just don't recognize it cause our noses are up so many other people's rear ends!!!!!!

lyssabee

Abundance you are so right. The best thing I've learned throughout all of this is something that applies to my whole life, and not just this one area (the best things do, don't they?) was that I could decide to not decide.

Thanks for the post.

ETA: 20 posts in four years! I do move slow, don't I? I've been hanging around a lot lately - I wonder why? But thanks, all, for the wisdom. I might have only posted 20 times but learned in spades.

Babyblue

Doing a timeline can reveal soooo much. I think it is a great tool. You see where changes happened in your life, the family, patterns start to emerge, shifts in behavior as events occur.

Wonderful thread Abundance!

Abundance

BabyBlue!!!! You were so kind and gracious to me during my insanity! Thank you!!!!

Yeah ... as for the time line .... I did the time line... and then I put it away. It was really hard to digest in the sense of the "OH Sh*T factor"... but I did digest it over time ... it still does become less vague.