I get it... more and more every day...
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I get it... more and more every day...
My acceptance is growing more and more every day. My husband IS an alcoholic. For years, I lived in denial, and I wanted so badly to believe that I was wrong... I wanted to be wrong about his drinking problem. I wanted to believe him that he COULD control, and he wasn't an alcoholic - he was just a guy who liked to cut loose every now and then. He worked hard, and didn't he deserve to have a good time and drink a few beers here and there?!?! I believed him when he said I was a party-pooper. I believed him when he said that I was no fun and that I was keeping him from having fun and relaxing and enjoying the fruits of his labor. And so I shut my mouth. I detached and I went to Al-anon...
I hung on for YEARS because I thought if I worked my Al-anon program, he'd SEE that he had a problem (and it wasn't just his WIFE!!).
The problem is... alcholism is a cunning and baffling... and progressive disease. As many of you know, our marriage survived it for years... but the disease snuck up on me over the past year. The binges got more severe so did the frustration (on both sides ) with the inability to control it/resolve it. We grew apart. We stopped talking. The walls went up, the anger built.
And then the pressure became too much, and he crossed the line and grabbed me by my throat. That was MY bottom.
If you go back through my posts, back in 2006, there was a post where I talked about why I stayed. I was willing to detach from a lot of the nonsense... but physical abuse, no way!
So here I am today. I'm divorcing my husband and letting him go on to live the life he chooses. I love him, but I hate his disease. He can not, or maybe will not, acknowledge that the drinking is a problem. I used to want so badly for him to see that it was so I could get the validation I needed. Today, I KNOW that it's the problem. I know that I am leaving because of the drinking. I know he's telling folks otherwise, and that's okay with me.
I don't know if he is ever going to "get it"... I hope that he does. It would be nice someday to have him get it, and recover. And sure, it would be nice someday to have him come back to me and say, "I'm sorry. Thank you for being the strong one and pulling the plug on a toxic situation." ... but I don't think that's ever going to happen. He's steeped in denial, and really looking outward for someone to blame. I'm the "bad guy" to him...
and guess what? Today, I'm finally completely and totally okay with that.
I'm glad I stayed in the marriage as long as I did. I stayed for my miracle. I am truly amazed with who I am as a person right now. I love who I am, and am proud of myself. This is not an easy situation to be in... but I feel like I'm handling it with grace and dignity... and strength. And TODAY, I KNOW I have the courage and strength to follow through on what needs to be done. There is no backsliding on the decision to divorce. I said what I meant, I meant what I said, and I didn't say it mean. I have moments where I'm sad, and AH has been acting so "nice" lately (trying to get me to think I'm making a bad decision!!) ... but I KNOW it's an act... and it won't last. And this time... I'm not getting sucked back in.
The grass WILL be greener on the other side.
Thanks for listening and letting me share.
Shannon
I hung on for YEARS because I thought if I worked my Al-anon program, he'd SEE that he had a problem (and it wasn't just his WIFE!!).
The problem is... alcholism is a cunning and baffling... and progressive disease. As many of you know, our marriage survived it for years... but the disease snuck up on me over the past year. The binges got more severe so did the frustration (on both sides ) with the inability to control it/resolve it. We grew apart. We stopped talking. The walls went up, the anger built.
And then the pressure became too much, and he crossed the line and grabbed me by my throat. That was MY bottom.
If you go back through my posts, back in 2006, there was a post where I talked about why I stayed. I was willing to detach from a lot of the nonsense... but physical abuse, no way!
So here I am today. I'm divorcing my husband and letting him go on to live the life he chooses. I love him, but I hate his disease. He can not, or maybe will not, acknowledge that the drinking is a problem. I used to want so badly for him to see that it was so I could get the validation I needed. Today, I KNOW that it's the problem. I know that I am leaving because of the drinking. I know he's telling folks otherwise, and that's okay with me.
I don't know if he is ever going to "get it"... I hope that he does. It would be nice someday to have him get it, and recover. And sure, it would be nice someday to have him come back to me and say, "I'm sorry. Thank you for being the strong one and pulling the plug on a toxic situation." ... but I don't think that's ever going to happen. He's steeped in denial, and really looking outward for someone to blame. I'm the "bad guy" to him...
and guess what? Today, I'm finally completely and totally okay with that.
I'm glad I stayed in the marriage as long as I did. I stayed for my miracle. I am truly amazed with who I am as a person right now. I love who I am, and am proud of myself. This is not an easy situation to be in... but I feel like I'm handling it with grace and dignity... and strength. And TODAY, I KNOW I have the courage and strength to follow through on what needs to be done. There is no backsliding on the decision to divorce. I said what I meant, I meant what I said, and I didn't say it mean. I have moments where I'm sad, and AH has been acting so "nice" lately (trying to get me to think I'm making a bad decision!!) ... but I KNOW it's an act... and it won't last. And this time... I'm not getting sucked back in.
The grass WILL be greener on the other side.
Thanks for listening and letting me share.
Shannon
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Shasta, CA
Posts: 91
I don't know if he is ever going to "get it"... I hope that he does. It would be nice someday to have him get it, and recover. And sure, it would be nice someday to have him come back to me and say, "I'm sorry. Thank you for being the strong one and pulling the plug on a toxic situation." ... but I don't think that's ever going to happen. He's steeped in denial, and really looking outward for someone to blame. I'm the "bad guy" to him...
Right there with you....
Right there with you....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
when I think about how long I spent analyzing and crying and trying to convince HIM that he was an alcoholic when who needed to be convinced was ME. It was like I thought "if I can make him understand that he is a train wreck waiting to happen, he will FIX IT, and we (our family of 5) will be okay.
I was so steeped in denial, I even had another baby with him after this point!
Why didn't I know that whether HE got it wasn't the issue?
Right there with ya, sister.
I was so steeped in denial, I even had another baby with him after this point!
Why didn't I know that whether HE got it wasn't the issue?
Right there with ya, sister.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by stella27 
Why didn't I know that whether HE got it wasn't the issue?
We have a desire for people to like us and agree with us.
We have unfulfilled dreams that they'll get it, and change, and the future will be the way we always imagined it would be.
When we finally have dreams of where we want to be, regardless of what anyone else thinks or believes about those dreams, that's when we know we are truly starting to care for ourselves.
That's when we can let go of others' perception of us, and just be ourselves.
I, too, and glad that I stayed as long as I did.
I would not wish the details and specifics on anyone, but in that time I learned so much, most importantly, I learned how to stand on my own two feet and that I was strong enough to take care of myself - because when I let go of the dead weight I was carrying, I was able to recognize the strength I had built in the meantime, and now I can use that to take care of me.
I have what I need to keep going forward.
I know what direction I need to go.
Now I just have to keep going, one step in front of the other.
Thank you so much for sharing, GettingBy.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When I have to (or want to) learn something new, it takes a LONG time. I consider myself very intelligent, but I have to turn things inside out and do a lot of "testing" to satisfy myself that I really understand it. Sometimes it's a long struggle, but that feeling of "aHA!" when the light bulb goes on and I really GET it is priceless. And, for me, as painful as it sometimes is, it is more satisfying to feel like I OWN the understanding, rather than simply taking someone else's word for it.
So, yeah, sometimes it has kept me in seemingly self-defeating cycles for awhile, but ultimately I get where I'm going.
So, yeah, sometimes it has kept me in seemingly self-defeating cycles for awhile, but ultimately I get where I'm going.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
[QUOTE,
I love who I am, and am proud of myself. This is not an easy situation to be in... but I feel like I'm handling it with grace and dignity... and strength. And TODAY, I KNOW I have the courage and strength to follow through on what needs to be done. [/QUOTE]
I love who I am, and am proud of myself. This is not an easy situation to be in... but I feel like I'm handling it with grace and dignity... and strength. And TODAY, I KNOW I have the courage and strength to follow through on what needs to be done. [/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
I understand the part about trying to make him "get it". I tried everything to try to show him how bad his drinking was. I tried telling his family, his friends and I even told him I would go to AA with him. But everyone, including him, looked at me like I had 5 heads. Just like your husband, mine would work all week and control and then just let loose on the weekends so I just thought he was just having a good time. But he started having "good times" way too often and when everyone else was drinking socially, he was pounding beers like it was going out of style.
He never "got it". The only thing he did get was a new girlfriend! I think that most A's are comfortable being A's just like we are comfortable being non-A's. Its their way of life and its normal to them. It seems like an abnormal way of life to us, but its just what they know and seem to enjoy unless they seriously hit a huge bottom. To me, you can't help having Alcoholism just like you can't help being born a diabetic. The only thing you can do as an Alcoholic is not ever drink again, and most of them don't even think they are sick with a disease so why give up something that you don't even think you have? I don't think they are in denial at all, they literally don't see anything wrong. Or at least they don't see anything wrong for a long long time. We see something they don't. JMHO!
He never "got it". The only thing he did get was a new girlfriend! I think that most A's are comfortable being A's just like we are comfortable being non-A's. Its their way of life and its normal to them. It seems like an abnormal way of life to us, but its just what they know and seem to enjoy unless they seriously hit a huge bottom. To me, you can't help having Alcoholism just like you can't help being born a diabetic. The only thing you can do as an Alcoholic is not ever drink again, and most of them don't even think they are sick with a disease so why give up something that you don't even think you have? I don't think they are in denial at all, they literally don't see anything wrong. Or at least they don't see anything wrong for a long long time. We see something they don't. JMHO!
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
Wonderful post and replies. I'm still new to this and am attending al-anon, trying to "get what you have". It helps so much to be reminded that serenity and strength are possible. It especially helps to be reminded that there's NOTHING I can do to convince my AH that he IS actually an A. I'm still trying to get to the point where it doesn't matter whether he agrees with that or not. Also trying to get to the point where I'm not waiting for him to change.
This is a difficult road and I really appreciate hearing about your experiences - it gives me such hope.
This is a difficult road and I really appreciate hearing about your experiences - it gives me such hope.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 59
Don't have much to say but I do want to say that I look up to you for staying as long as you did and being glad you did. And that you are also handling this extremely well. You seem like a very strong person, and I look up to that, a lot.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
GB,
Thank you so much for sharing all you do with all of us. I see so much of myself in you, only I'm you back in 2006 and I know I have a long way to go before I become someone like you with all the confidence and knowledge to get me through. Sometimes when I read a post like yours I chringe because I know my marriage could be heading down that same path. However it also gives me strength to know that during this journey to figure it out that I will someday find peace of mind and serenity no matter what the future holds for me.
Thank you so much for sharing all you do with all of us. I see so much of myself in you, only I'm you back in 2006 and I know I have a long way to go before I become someone like you with all the confidence and knowledge to get me through. Sometimes when I read a post like yours I chringe because I know my marriage could be heading down that same path. However it also gives me strength to know that during this journey to figure it out that I will someday find peace of mind and serenity no matter what the future holds for me.
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