HoopNinja

Barb I just read your post and I need my brain to think like yours right now-just cannot seem to wrap my brain around what is going on and how to deal with it.

Older DS has been totally out of control for about 3 weeks now. He has RAD, PTSD and a few other things. I have busted my rear for 9 years to get him to a healthy place--and he was there. Even through the divorce, even after the divorce. Yes, he screamed and cried and was sad. However about 3 weeks ago he started to go ballistic on me (and he is not a small kid). I have almost had to call the police.

Tonight he was the most hideous child on the planet--and pretty much every vile word, hateful thought and in your face attitude was a mirror of xah. I find out xah is telling him I am a liar, that I don't believe in God and am not a Christian because I don't go to church (gee 12 years married to a self-righteous lunatic who calls himself a Christian and works for the church and has for close to 30 years and I need a break from church seems reasonable to me). That I hate everyone and make things up. That I don't know how to be nice to anyone. That I never do anything for him. That he wants to go live with his dad because I am a horrible mother and he hates me. Then, while my 6 year old is sitting there he starts telling him there is no Easter bunny or Santa or tooth fairy and it is all made up. I just told younger DS that if you don't believe then they don't come for that person.

But older DS was just hateful. Tonight before bed he tells me his dad says that stuff about me to them all the time and he does not know who to believe anymore or what to believe. I don't talk about his dad to him (because if you don't have anything nice to say to anyone-keep your yap shut and the only thing I can say about xah is that he knows how to breathe).

I am angry beyond belief. He is such a nut job and now he is messing up the kids with his whacked out behavior. But NO ONE will ever believe me because he is Mr. 30 years in the church and aren't I pious man.

I feel like I am being abused still but he is using older DS to do his dirty work for him-which is a horrible and vile thing to do to a child--especially a child whose parents just got divorced and especially a child with attachment disorder who has one person he trusts--his mom. Now he does not trust me and is a mess--no wonder he is so mad at me. He trusts a monster according to what his dad is telling him.

I am at a total loss. Aside from pointing out that none of the stuff is true--but he is fed this garbage every time he is with his dad. The only thing I can think of is hiring a guardian ad litem--but older DS does not want to lose his dad and I don't think he will be truthful--or even worse, he will lie and tell them all the garbage his dad is shoveling is true. I wish I could record these conversations so people finally get to see I am not the lying hag he tells everyone I am and he is exposed for what he is so then finally someone will believe me when I say how abusive he was/is and continues to be to me and to the kids. His abuse toward the kids has just taken on a sick bent. He cares about no one but himself. He does not care he is doing damage to his child. The guy is filth.

Shellcrusher

HoopNinja,
I'm sorry to hear this story. While I contemplate divorcing my AW, this is one of those fears I keep locked away. I'm afraid that the same thing will happen to me. My AW will tell my son bad things and he'll hate me. My guy is only 2 and I don't know if that makes a difference.

Pelican

I can not respect adults that dump their crap onto a child.

Hoop,
Go ahead and punch some pillows, scream and shout. Get that anger out.
Please don't carry it or stuff it away.

No words of wisdom, but I wanted to send you my support as a mom. You are doing a great job with your boys.

Hugs and encouragement to you as you do the next right thing!

HoopNinja

Shellcrusher--hopefully the time you spend with him will show him who you really are. But it is difficult. My kids are adopted and do have mental health issues due to things that happened to them prior to coming into my life (well ours although xah did not show much interest until I decided to divorce him).

Mucking about with a child's trust (when it has taken them most of their life to let the walls down and let someone in) is so horrible. He is so confused right now. I knew the divorce would cause some problems but I never dreamed in a million years his dad would do this to him. But on the other hand he probably does not even think he is doing anything wrong because the point is to look good in front of others and it is all self-serving. He does not care if he messes up what has taken me 9 years to gain. It breaks my heart to see older DS struggling right now (and scary that he is so angry that he becomes violent). All that had gone away until xah decided to wreak havoc. He is mad now because I will not do 50-50 placement with him (which he only wants to do so he does not have to pay CS and might get more money from me).

This is a tough one to let go and let God. My son has worked so hard to get where he is at-and I cannot even begin to express my sorrow at what is happening to him because his dad is such a selfish so and so. I will never get it. I will never understand how they can be more important than even their children. They always come first.

justjo

HI Hoop

I remember 16years ago my ex said things to my sons that werent true. I left him, of course, there was another guy (not true). He stalked me for along time telling my boys untrue stuff.

But you know what Hoop, my boys knew who I really was. They lived with me, they have seen me live and they know who I am as a person.

Your ex is doing the same with them and blaming you. I know this probably wont help you much right now, but in time, your kids will know the truth. They are more than likely feeling like they are in the middle and your ex is trying really hard (for whatever selfish reason) to make him self the martar.

Everyday I told my kids i loved them and we just went about out stuff (the kids were mixed up) but they saw that their dad was just an angry man in the end. At the moment your ex is getting the reactions he wants from all of you. Just be yourself, love yourself and your kids. In time, all will be truthful.
JJ

newby1961

SC it sounds like your husband is a 6 day sinner and a 1 day saint.

You are powerless over what your husband does or doesn't say to your son. All you can do is be the role model you have always been and the truth will shine through.

Kids are pretty smart and they have a way of seeing through the bull

Keep the faith remember God hasn't taken us this far to give up on us now.

theuncertainty

Oh, sending you big bear hugs, HoopNinja.

It is unbelievably low of your X to do. Do you still have a lawyer that can help you? It may be grounds for further revision of the custody/visitation plan, especially with you children's special needs?

I've been letting DS know he can ask me any questions. If he's ever confused about anything he hears, he can ask me. He's come up with some doozies, but I'm glad he's asking. I think just being there and listening, offering comfort, love and guidance helps so much.
Hang in there.

Babyblue

I work with behaviorly challenged kids and sounds like you are doing a great job at protecting them, esp given their history.

If it is of any comfort, the 9 years of hard work you put into your son won't disappear. It won't be undone because of this tough time in your lives.

Parents like you are miracle workers in my book. He is lucky to have you as a mom so try have faith that in time your son will regain his bearings again with you by his side

Francismcan

hang in there

lillamy

HoopNinja -- I've missed you around here, and here you are coming back with a story that makes me JUUUUUST want to scream and smack some sense into that sorry excuse for a human you divorced.

That pious 30 years in the church and abusing your own children in the worst way, I hope there's a special place in hell for those people. (Using the term "people" loosely.)

I'm sorry I don't have anything helpful to say whatsoever but I am just steaming with anger for your poor, defenseless children. It would be criminal to do that to any child, but doing it to children with your children's background? Is evil.

catlovermi

My sense is that rather than trust his dad, he is doubting himself. He (your child) may be weighing the information coming from his dad, trying to filter it through his reality, and see if he should internalize it. Part of this process is to try out the new frame of reference IN A SAFE PLACE.

YOU are that safe place.

My sense is that just because your son says and acts as though he believes this new frame of reference doesn't make it so. He's trying it out, testing your boundaries, seeing if you really are the monster dad claims.

This new reality is hard for your son to test out. So what do kids do when faced with threat/frustration/insecurity? They use anger and agression and negative behaviors to vent their stress.

JMHO

CLMI

HoopNinja

catlover that makes sense--but at our house safety is very important and older DS sometimes acts in ways that are unsafe for his brother, himself and occasionally me.

I went to the kids' psychiatrist today--had an appt. for younger DS and older DS came along because it was take your kids to work day (and he wanted to come to work with me???? I was surprised. But we had fun-we worked hard because I had a lot of work to do--but I think it was good for him to see his Mom in action. At the end of the day he said-I see why you are so tired when you get home mom. Was this a normal day? I was honest and told him no, it was a pretty light day and he said you mean you have to work harder than you worked today???!!)

Anyway, the psychiatrist is frustrated with what is going on. We discussed the rapid brain shift that I have to do when the fight or flight response ends in older DS and he is back to being the loving son who is apologizing for all the awful things he has said. I guess that is why sometimes they say hugging kids like mine is like hugging a porcupine. But what is required and given is unconditional love.

I "talked" to my other sister today and she helped me translate an email I wanted to send to xah. She helped me re-write an email to send to xah because now he is trying to have the kids stay with him during the day in the summers. I know what he is thinking--she cannot afford summer care and she will jump at this. Wrong! They need structure and stability. Something he is not offering at his house. The psychiatrist, I could tell, was having a difficult time and asked if I could get xah to attend a co-parenting class. I am doubtful, but will ask. Of course he will be Mr. Churchguy in class and revert back to himself outside of class so I am not even sure it is worth the effort.

catlover--I just wish older DS did not have to try out this "new reality" that should not even be present in his mind. But I know I have no control over what xah does and says. My sister said a little self-righteous indignation is called for at this point in time-dished out in a very diplomatic way.

Thanks again. It is time for me to start going to see my psychiatrist and therapist again AND to get back into my hoop once it finally stops raining. Made 6 of the most gorgeous hoops in 2 days. Even older DS was wowed when we got home today.

wanttobehealthy

Right there with you. Doesn't help that it has already begun, even with me around.

Hoop Ninja- my heart goes out to you and I wish I had a magic wand to make everything better. It sucks when you do what you can to make things healthy for your kids and another adult goes about trying to find ways to hurt them.

My mother did this to my siblings after my father left. Painted him as the devil, made them feel he abandoned them when all the while she fought and lied in court to keep him from seeing them.

There's no telling what an angry, resentful ex spouse will do and it's a big part of what kept me from even thinking about leaving for a long time...

catlovermi

I was hoping to provide a possible filter for you, a tool, to help you build a context around the difficult behaviors you were having to experience from your autistic son. The context being: he isn't necessarily changing his world view, but he was presented with a different one and he's temporarily trying it out to see how it feels.

I wanted to refrain from making any statements about the father, or the son's behavior, as I know it's already painful and inflammatory enough to endure what you are enduring without someone like me fanning the flames with more words. Clearly behaviors in your narrative from both were very difficult! I can think of few things more infuriating, threatening, or disheartening than parental alienation, PARTICULARLY in a challenged child.

My underlying point, (which you already know - but sometimes when we're discouraged and tired it's just nice to have a third party come out and say), was that you have a foundation with your autistic son that won't be dismantled overnight with new "information" from another source. As you saw today, there is a resilience to that foundation, a tendency to return to it.

And that made me smile, to read of his empathy, when he saw your day's work.

CLMI