Letting go Vs. Hope
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Letting go Vs. Hope
I've been working on 'letting go' and reading lots of threads where people are having to let go and how hard it is.
I get stuck though on letting go vs. having hope.
Can you do both?
I am always optimistic, I like to think that things will turn out well if I just have patience and take care of myself. I have hope.
The problem becomes when I cling onto that hope and not accept the reality at hand.
How do any of you balance the two? Hope for the alcoholic? Hope for the future? Hope for a better outcome regardless of what happens?
I fear that if I let go, I lose hope for him or us. Yet I know that if I let go, I reinforce my strengths and replenish myself because I am depleted.
I want to balance the two. Suggestions? How do you make both co-exist?
I get stuck though on letting go vs. having hope.
Can you do both?
I am always optimistic, I like to think that things will turn out well if I just have patience and take care of myself. I have hope.
The problem becomes when I cling onto that hope and not accept the reality at hand.
How do any of you balance the two? Hope for the alcoholic? Hope for the future? Hope for a better outcome regardless of what happens?
I fear that if I let go, I lose hope for him or us. Yet I know that if I let go, I reinforce my strengths and replenish myself because I am depleted.
I want to balance the two. Suggestions? How do you make both co-exist?
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I like the lottery analogy. I hope I win the lottery. But, I still go to work every day and save for my retirement. Hope is a great thing to have, but I don't plan my life around it. 
L
L
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 63
I like the question you have posed, BB. I struggle with this, as well. Curious to see the answers.
I like the lottery analogy, as well. Thx LTD. I HOPE that so long as i keep the focus on myself (and ME winning the lottery lol), that will keep me from trying to control or fix others (and the numbers that come up in the lottery!!).
As my sponsor just told me, "my relationships are none of my business".
That one really throws me for a loop!!
I like the lottery analogy, as well. Thx LTD. I HOPE that so long as i keep the focus on myself (and ME winning the lottery lol), that will keep me from trying to control or fix others (and the numbers that come up in the lottery!!).
As my sponsor just told me, "my relationships are none of my business".
That one really throws me for a loop!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Whenever I have held onto hope that involved anyone but myself and my Higher Power, I eventually found that I was unable to let go. It wasn't until I literally TORE myself, kicking, screaming, and crying from that other person and all the hopes and dreams I had had for "us" that I had let go.
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Very well put LaTeeda.
Therein lies my dilemma: when I have hope, expectations start to form. Expectations yield disappointment, disappointment dashes hope, hope lost triggers despair.. lather, rinse, repeat.
Ay caramba.
So I can hope for a sunny day even if I have no idea what the weather will be like. I am trying to take that outlook.
Therein lies my dilemma: when I have hope, expectations start to form. Expectations yield disappointment, disappointment dashes hope, hope lost triggers despair.. lather, rinse, repeat.
Ay caramba.
So I can hope for a sunny day even if I have no idea what the weather will be like. I am trying to take that outlook.
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Originally Posted by Babyblue 
So I can hope for a sunny day even if I have no idea what the weather will be like. I am trying to take that outlook.
L
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Hey Blue,*
I can really relate to your question. I must have spent numerous hours pondering the same thing...I still do.
Having an active alcoholic in my life made that question even more raw. I can definately see how everyone can have vastly different views on hope yet each view still rings true. For me, today, I see it this way:
Hope is in my spiritual dna. I hope for a great many things, the planet, human race etc. Naturally hope we always be present with my loved ones & that includes my AP. I hope for his physical health, for his inner peace & for his ability to fight his black dog.
Then there are hopes Ive 'let go'. Hope that my love will rank higher than his need to drink. Hope that the life Id envisaged for us will come to fruition. Hope that my man will see the light. Any hope that will in some way oppress my ability to feel peaceful long term.*
If I do have hopes that involve us both, then I keep them short term. I hope that our night out to the movies is light, fun & we exchange private smiles. That is magic for today. If it turns out bad, Im not hurt. Theres always tomorrow.
I guess Im content living in the moment with him. And living more seriously or long term with myself. Over the past few years, this seems to have brought us closer. If this ultimately does bring us to a wonderful future together then that would be awesome & I'll enjoy it then. But I wont hold tight hopes now. Its not worth losing those small moments over. And its not worth losing my sanity over. *
I can really relate to your question. I must have spent numerous hours pondering the same thing...I still do.
Having an active alcoholic in my life made that question even more raw. I can definately see how everyone can have vastly different views on hope yet each view still rings true. For me, today, I see it this way:
Hope is in my spiritual dna. I hope for a great many things, the planet, human race etc. Naturally hope we always be present with my loved ones & that includes my AP. I hope for his physical health, for his inner peace & for his ability to fight his black dog.
Then there are hopes Ive 'let go'. Hope that my love will rank higher than his need to drink. Hope that the life Id envisaged for us will come to fruition. Hope that my man will see the light. Any hope that will in some way oppress my ability to feel peaceful long term.*
If I do have hopes that involve us both, then I keep them short term. I hope that our night out to the movies is light, fun & we exchange private smiles. That is magic for today. If it turns out bad, Im not hurt. Theres always tomorrow.
I guess Im content living in the moment with him. And living more seriously or long term with myself. Over the past few years, this seems to have brought us closer. If this ultimately does bring us to a wonderful future together then that would be awesome & I'll enjoy it then. But I wont hold tight hopes now. Its not worth losing those small moments over. And its not worth losing my sanity over. *
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What we let go of is thinking we can do/say something that moves our beloved addict into desiring to be without drugs/alcohol.
What we have hope in is a Higher Power who does have the power to change our beloved addict's heart such that they desire and have the energy to live a life without drugs/alcohol.
What we have hope in is that there is a process at work, led by our Higher Power, that will restore us to sanity and also restore the addict to sanity. What we have hope in is that it is the desire of our Higher Power to see everyone and every relationship restored to sanity and that our Higher Power is moving heaven and earth to make that happen.
Hope that helps. If not, "take what you need and leave the rest."
What we have hope in is a Higher Power who does have the power to change our beloved addict's heart such that they desire and have the energy to live a life without drugs/alcohol.
What we have hope in is that there is a process at work, led by our Higher Power, that will restore us to sanity and also restore the addict to sanity. What we have hope in is that it is the desire of our Higher Power to see everyone and every relationship restored to sanity and that our Higher Power is moving heaven and earth to make that happen.
Hope that helps. If not, "take what you need and leave the rest."
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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I am with LaTeeDa...hope can easily turn into expectations. I just did that myself yesterday. Caught myself as I was falling off the codie wagon, damnit. Sent a nice thank you text to the RAH for hanging two light fixtures that I had struggled with, and ended the text with "I love you have a good day today" and got no response. It hurt my feelings! Nothing? Really jackwagon? That's rude, I should call him and act hurt and point out just how rude that is...blah blah blah. But alas, my recovery tools kicked in and I recognzed I had set myself up for that and was taking it out too far. My hope had become expectations again. Damnit again! Such a fine line...
But today I still have hope. It goes hand in hand with acceptance of what is, though. Hope keeps me feeling human while acceptance keeps me grounded.
But today I still have hope. It goes hand in hand with acceptance of what is, though. Hope keeps me feeling human while acceptance keeps me grounded.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
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In my case, I had to let go in order to have hope.
While I was still in the relationship, I had no hope. I was tragically depressed to the point where I didn't care what happened to me next, in fact, I hoped it would be over quick because I didn't see any way out.
When I let go of him, and his recovery, and any expectation of a future together, now I can hope the best for him. I truly hope that he will find sobriety, and get his life back on track.
But I do not rely upon it anymore - I let go.
And I do not hold on to any expectations of a future with him - in my case, because I do not want one, anymore.
He has the chance to be an amazing person, and I hope he can find that person some day - but I have no expectations to ever see that person, because then every time I see him and this big change I'm hoping for hasn't happened, I will lose my hope again, little by little.
He is free.
He can be the person he wants to be.
And now I am free from all the heartache, and the stress, and the depression.
Now I am free to hope he finds that person, his true self, the one imprisoned by the addiction.
I could not hold on and hope at the same time.
It hurt too much.
I had to let go.
While I was still in the relationship, I had no hope. I was tragically depressed to the point where I didn't care what happened to me next, in fact, I hoped it would be over quick because I didn't see any way out.
When I let go of him, and his recovery, and any expectation of a future together, now I can hope the best for him. I truly hope that he will find sobriety, and get his life back on track.
But I do not rely upon it anymore - I let go.
And I do not hold on to any expectations of a future with him - in my case, because I do not want one, anymore.
He has the chance to be an amazing person, and I hope he can find that person some day - but I have no expectations to ever see that person, because then every time I see him and this big change I'm hoping for hasn't happened, I will lose my hope again, little by little.
He is free.
He can be the person he wants to be.
And now I am free from all the heartache, and the stress, and the depression.
Now I am free to hope he finds that person, his true self, the one imprisoned by the addiction.
I could not hold on and hope at the same time.
It hurt too much.
I had to let go.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Yeah, what anvilhead and StarCat said, especially this--
"In my case, I had to let go in order to have hope."- StarCat
I so agree with this! Recently I started to feel hopeful about an A in my life and it hurt. It was what StarCat said, it was reattaching, not hoping. Detach and hope didn't hurt at all.
"it's not really about us holding THEM in place, but more about anchoring ourselves to the thought/idea/concept we hold of THEM." - anvilhead
This is really good and should be tatooed on my hand.
"In my case, I had to let go in order to have hope."- StarCat
I so agree with this! Recently I started to feel hopeful about an A in my life and it hurt. It was what StarCat said, it was reattaching, not hoping. Detach and hope didn't hurt at all.
"it's not really about us holding THEM in place, but more about anchoring ourselves to the thought/idea/concept we hold of THEM." - anvilhead
This is really good and should be tatooed on my hand.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Great thread, it has been very helpful.
I like to read Zen philosophy ... helps me realize the temporary nature of... well, everything, lol. I do not own anything.. nothing is MINE... no one else is MINE... I don't even own MY life, I do not know when it will end.
Unhealthy Hope is denying the now and living in the future (which is a fantasy)
Healthy Hope relates to HP and faith I will be taken care of by something larger than myself... feeling safe, knowing HP has a plan for me.
Letting go happens in the present and it is only in the present where we truly live and can be grateful for all the gifts and good stuff we have been given.
My two cents
I like to read Zen philosophy ... helps me realize the temporary nature of... well, everything, lol. I do not own anything.. nothing is MINE... no one else is MINE... I don't even own MY life, I do not know when it will end.
Unhealthy Hope is denying the now and living in the future (which is a fantasy)
Healthy Hope relates to HP and faith I will be taken care of by something larger than myself... feeling safe, knowing HP has a plan for me.
Letting go happens in the present and it is only in the present where we truly live and can be grateful for all the gifts and good stuff we have been given.
My two cents
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
I can only speak for myself. I had to come to the point of thinking about myself first for once in 39 years of marriage which to me is letting go and thinking of him secondly with the hope that maybe down the road he'll get a clue there needs to be a change in his choices but if that doesn't happen I'm letting go and living LIFE with a divorce.
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