At the end of my rope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
At the end of my rope
I really appreciate everyone here listening to me vent.
Things with my ah have been going in a positive direction. He was a 6 yr opiate addict that I did not know about until 5 months ago. He admitted right before I left at the beginning of the yr. He went to rehab. He has been clean from serious amounts of opiates for over 4 months. He then developed a new problem. Alcohol. He has always drank socially. but when he gave up the opiates he turned to alcohol hard. He then admitted he couldn't do this anymore & asked me to throw all the alcohol out. Then we went through a period where he would come home after work acting odd. Then the rage fights. It then admitted he was stopping and getting drinks on the way home. Then another period of obviously impaired behavior & it turned out he was going to our next door neighbors house while he was out of town & drinking his liquor. The last 4 days we have been together constantly @ home & work. I knew there was something wrong. But how? We didn't talk the last 2 days because he refused to talk about what was wrong. His sweat smelled like alcohol. Finally last evening he said he was going to go get dinner & then he wanted to make some notes & we would talk. I waited from 7:45 until 1:00am. I then found him in the living room passed out. He had drank a full 750ml bottle of 80% bacardi & two small bottles of Sangria. When I woke him up, the rage started. The fights, the pushing, name calling, etc.
Our teenage son woke up & I told him to call the police. He was confused & scared as he didn't know what was going on.
After a couple of hours of verbal & physical he calmed down & told our son everything.
This probably sounds really cruel, but it was all the same BS I heard 5 months ago.
He then later admitted to me only that he has been drinking hand sanitizer for the last 4 days at work. I told him that he has serious problems & needs to go back into rehab. I then just got accused of being berating & not understanding. He will never tell me the truth again.
I made him an appt with his addiction specialist for this afternoon. I made an appt for our son with my counselor for tomorrow.
All I here out of him is how we are his world. But I don't even here it any more.
I am tired and over it. I really think the hand sanitizer & abuse last night was the final straw.
I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening
Things with my ah have been going in a positive direction. He was a 6 yr opiate addict that I did not know about until 5 months ago. He admitted right before I left at the beginning of the yr. He went to rehab. He has been clean from serious amounts of opiates for over 4 months. He then developed a new problem. Alcohol. He has always drank socially. but when he gave up the opiates he turned to alcohol hard. He then admitted he couldn't do this anymore & asked me to throw all the alcohol out. Then we went through a period where he would come home after work acting odd. Then the rage fights. It then admitted he was stopping and getting drinks on the way home. Then another period of obviously impaired behavior & it turned out he was going to our next door neighbors house while he was out of town & drinking his liquor. The last 4 days we have been together constantly @ home & work. I knew there was something wrong. But how? We didn't talk the last 2 days because he refused to talk about what was wrong. His sweat smelled like alcohol. Finally last evening he said he was going to go get dinner & then he wanted to make some notes & we would talk. I waited from 7:45 until 1:00am. I then found him in the living room passed out. He had drank a full 750ml bottle of 80% bacardi & two small bottles of Sangria. When I woke him up, the rage started. The fights, the pushing, name calling, etc.
Our teenage son woke up & I told him to call the police. He was confused & scared as he didn't know what was going on.
After a couple of hours of verbal & physical he calmed down & told our son everything.
This probably sounds really cruel, but it was all the same BS I heard 5 months ago.
He then later admitted to me only that he has been drinking hand sanitizer for the last 4 days at work. I told him that he has serious problems & needs to go back into rehab. I then just got accused of being berating & not understanding. He will never tell me the truth again.
I made him an appt with his addiction specialist for this afternoon. I made an appt for our son with my counselor for tomorrow.
All I here out of him is how we are his world. But I don't even here it any more.
I am tired and over it. I really think the hand sanitizer & abuse last night was the final straw.
I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
BH
I'm so sorry that things have taken this direction. I hate hate hate this disease. I hate drugs. I hate alcohol. But I love an addict/alcoholic.
I don't know about you but having had a similar situation with my AS yesterday morning, something snapped. It just went ~POP~ and the detachment became......deep and I don't know that it will ever be restored.
I'm sure that your son is confused and it's good that you are getting him into counseling. As a teenager, he knows stuff is going on and he needs a way to process it with someone who is completely unbiased.
I wish I could give you a hug in person....it sounds like you could use one.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm so sorry that things have taken this direction. I hate hate hate this disease. I hate drugs. I hate alcohol. But I love an addict/alcoholic.
I don't know about you but having had a similar situation with my AS yesterday morning, something snapped. It just went ~POP~ and the detachment became......deep and I don't know that it will ever be restored.
I'm sure that your son is confused and it's good that you are getting him into counseling. As a teenager, he knows stuff is going on and he needs a way to process it with someone who is completely unbiased.
I wish I could give you a hug in person....it sounds like you could use one.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
he has been drinking hand sanitizer for the last 4 days at work.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
so sorry barelyhere..sending you a hug!!! that rope is long as long as you let it continue to be long.
is there somewhere you and your child can go? can your AH leave? you need a healthy safe enviroment for you and your child, thats the important issue
right now.
take care of yourself and your child, let your AH take care of himself.
is there somewhere you and your child can go? can your AH leave? you need a healthy safe enviroment for you and your child, thats the important issue
right now.
take care of yourself and your child, let your AH take care of himself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Barely Here, you and your son are not his world right now. As much as you want to hear that and believe it. He obviously cares more about feeding his addiction. It is so, so sad. It appears that he is simply trading one for another, not ready for recovery. It is a hard, hard place to be in...I know cause I'm there. But no matter how many years, how much history, children, stuff, it is not a good place to be in and at some point you are going to have to decide what you want in the future.
We can't change them, fix them, support them sober, and on and on. We can only work on ourselves. My husband sent me a note on Easter Sunday evening saying that he wants his wife back, he wants his family back...but his actions are not showing that. Yeah, he has been nice for a couple of days...then I caught him in a lie last night. It made me sick. I won't lie, I had that tiny tinge of hope...but thankfully since I have separated myself from him I don't latch on to it like I used to. But is was just hanging there, waiting to be snipped and well, he snipped it. I still haven't fully let him go. But I am putting myself in a different place and it allows me to focus more on myself. Maybe someday soon I will begin some kind of healing process!
I say all this just to share what I'm going through...knowing that we have similar stories...I relate to everything you have said, I know how painful it is, and I know how paralyzing it is to stand there seeing yet another let down...and knowing that something has to be done. Just not sure if the personal strength is there yet to do it! Been there done that!
I wonder if there is a way for you to take a break from him, for you and your son to maybe go stay somewhere for a few days so you can regroup and figure out some kind of a plan for yourself? To be quite honest, it took me almost two years to work up the courage to do something! It was a lot of small steps that got me to the big step. I first starting taking breaks from him and found that those were the only times I could really "think". When he was around, it was impossible for me to do much of anything.
****{HUGS}}} I hope you can get to finding yourself soon. Take care.
We can't change them, fix them, support them sober, and on and on. We can only work on ourselves. My husband sent me a note on Easter Sunday evening saying that he wants his wife back, he wants his family back...but his actions are not showing that. Yeah, he has been nice for a couple of days...then I caught him in a lie last night. It made me sick. I won't lie, I had that tiny tinge of hope...but thankfully since I have separated myself from him I don't latch on to it like I used to. But is was just hanging there, waiting to be snipped and well, he snipped it. I still haven't fully let him go. But I am putting myself in a different place and it allows me to focus more on myself. Maybe someday soon I will begin some kind of healing process!
I say all this just to share what I'm going through...knowing that we have similar stories...I relate to everything you have said, I know how painful it is, and I know how paralyzing it is to stand there seeing yet another let down...and knowing that something has to be done. Just not sure if the personal strength is there yet to do it! Been there done that!
I wonder if there is a way for you to take a break from him, for you and your son to maybe go stay somewhere for a few days so you can regroup and figure out some kind of a plan for yourself? To be quite honest, it took me almost two years to work up the courage to do something! It was a lot of small steps that got me to the big step. I first starting taking breaks from him and found that those were the only times I could really "think". When he was around, it was impossible for me to do much of anything.
****{HUGS}}} I hope you can get to finding yourself soon. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 37
BarelyHere, I'm so very sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are working on your detachment in a healthy way.
I will echo others, though. Since there is violence involved, the child should be removed from the situation.
In my own setting, we sent our son (who was not a child, but a college student) to live with his grandparents. Eventually, we also asked our AD to leave.
I will echo others, though. Since there is violence involved, the child should be removed from the situation.
In my own setting, we sent our son (who was not a child, but a college student) to live with his grandparents. Eventually, we also asked our AD to leave.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
Thank you for all your responses. I am better today. I am also still very conflicted.
My son went to my counselor today & it went very well. He actually was in some ways relieved to know why his father & I were fighting all the time. We are having another session next week with our other son who is in college. His finals are this week & I don't want anything disrupting his school.
When it comes to my children, I will let no one or anything hurt them. I think that is why I finally snapped. No one was physically hurt. But the pushing & verbal abuse was too much for me to handle. I was afraid I could go somewhere I hadn't went before. Luckily he calmed down enough before that happened. Allowing him to be verbally abusive to me is my choice, but to my kids are a different story.
I made an appt with a lawyer to discuss legal seperation. I am not sure what the laws are in my state, & we own quite a bit of personal property & several businesses together. We are very well known in our area & once this is out, there is no putting this Jeanie back in the bottle.
For those who question the hand sanitizer, it 65-80% alcohol. From what I have read it is not unusual at all for alcoholics who can't get alcohol to drink it.
Thanks again everyone!
My son went to my counselor today & it went very well. He actually was in some ways relieved to know why his father & I were fighting all the time. We are having another session next week with our other son who is in college. His finals are this week & I don't want anything disrupting his school.
When it comes to my children, I will let no one or anything hurt them. I think that is why I finally snapped. No one was physically hurt. But the pushing & verbal abuse was too much for me to handle. I was afraid I could go somewhere I hadn't went before. Luckily he calmed down enough before that happened. Allowing him to be verbally abusive to me is my choice, but to my kids are a different story.
I made an appt with a lawyer to discuss legal seperation. I am not sure what the laws are in my state, & we own quite a bit of personal property & several businesses together. We are very well known in our area & once this is out, there is no putting this Jeanie back in the bottle.
For those who question the hand sanitizer, it 65-80% alcohol. From what I have read it is not unusual at all for alcoholics who can't get alcohol to drink it.
Thanks again everyone!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Barelyhere... 
Yeah... mama bear inside of us can really flip that love light switch... OFF!!!!
As parents, it's like having a video camera on 24/7... recording us... and it's our children soaking it in. They are good little sponges! And it's when something HUGE happens and we see their witnessing of it - it's up to us to teach a lesson out of something so messed up!
When I over heard my ex on the phone bragging about cheating on me... I lost all my will power and completely went off on him ... IN MY FRONT YARD. My children came running out and they were totally freaked. Well, that night, was the last night they EVER saw him again. And I feel that out of a really screwed up situation... they saw me take ACTION... and they also learned a valuable lesson. They are boys... and it is NOT okay to cheat when you are in a relationship. And there are consequences. And they did see me sad.. and would hug me ... and I would tell them that it was hard, but I had value in myself.
Anywho .... great job! Stay strong!!!!
Yeah... mama bear inside of us can really flip that love light switch... OFF!!!!
As parents, it's like having a video camera on 24/7... recording us... and it's our children soaking it in. They are good little sponges! And it's when something HUGE happens and we see their witnessing of it - it's up to us to teach a lesson out of something so messed up!
When I over heard my ex on the phone bragging about cheating on me... I lost all my will power and completely went off on him ... IN MY FRONT YARD. My children came running out and they were totally freaked. Well, that night, was the last night they EVER saw him again. And I feel that out of a really screwed up situation... they saw me take ACTION... and they also learned a valuable lesson. They are boys... and it is NOT okay to cheat when you are in a relationship. And there are consequences. And they did see me sad.. and would hug me ... and I would tell them that it was hard, but I had value in myself.
Anywho .... great job! Stay strong!!!!
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