now divorced
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
now divorced
hello everyone, well, today it was final, I am now divorced. It went very well.finally!! been an extremely difficult last 16 months. We even sat together 
...funny, the attorneys said this is uncommon for parties to sit together and talk, little did they know we were talking about them,LOL..
we made amends..we wished each other well..he escorted me out and through the city to make sure I was safe and we stopped and met for coffee, we didnt chat long but we had a nice talk.
I feel a huge burden (the divorce) lifted and I also feel sad. But I want to also say, I feel at peace. He is still using pills, he doesnt look well at all and we didnt discuss rehab, I have let that go. I have accepted his choice to live his life as he wishes. I will not be there physically for him, but in my heart I always will be there for him.
The judge asked me if I would like to change my name back to my maiden name, I have thought of this recently and decided to decline the change.
I feel there was no need for it and also being married for 27 years and having some great memories of a great man is an honor to keep my married name.
what happened in the end (addiction) will never take that away from me.
to anyone who is going through a seperation/divorce I want you to know
although it is difficult it also gets better. looking back I realize this was a transition for me, a transition where you have to take care yourself first, seek support and learn how to let go and let god, to decide what you will and will not live with. a time when you come to terms that the addict is not willing to get help, a time when you decide you cant live with it anymore. a time where you need time to heal, a time for parties to heal, a time to detach with love, a time to not let your emotions get out of control (that was a huge obstacle for me) and dont give up hope, hope for yourself.
I let go of addiction, I divorced addiction. I will continue to pray for him
and wish him the best...now onto my next journey in life..
...funny, the attorneys said this is uncommon for parties to sit together and talk, little did they know we were talking about them,LOL..we made amends..we wished each other well..he escorted me out and through the city to make sure I was safe and we stopped and met for coffee, we didnt chat long but we had a nice talk.
I feel a huge burden (the divorce) lifted and I also feel sad. But I want to also say, I feel at peace. He is still using pills, he doesnt look well at all and we didnt discuss rehab, I have let that go. I have accepted his choice to live his life as he wishes. I will not be there physically for him, but in my heart I always will be there for him.
The judge asked me if I would like to change my name back to my maiden name, I have thought of this recently and decided to decline the change.
I feel there was no need for it and also being married for 27 years and having some great memories of a great man is an honor to keep my married name.
what happened in the end (addiction) will never take that away from me.
to anyone who is going through a seperation/divorce I want you to know
although it is difficult it also gets better. looking back I realize this was a transition for me, a transition where you have to take care yourself first, seek support and learn how to let go and let god, to decide what you will and will not live with. a time when you come to terms that the addict is not willing to get help, a time when you decide you cant live with it anymore. a time where you need time to heal, a time for parties to heal, a time to detach with love, a time to not let your emotions get out of control (that was a huge obstacle for me) and dont give up hope, hope for yourself.
I let go of addiction, I divorced addiction. I will continue to pray for him
and wish him the best...now onto my next journey in life
..
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((tam))
Glad that the legal proceedings are over - that was one of the most stressful parts! How pleasant for you both to share the cup of coffee ~ like a nice closure.
I'm sure you will still experience several levels of grief - please please give yourself lots of self-care! You deserve it - it has been a long drawn out ordeal!
PINK HUGS to you!
Rita
Glad that the legal proceedings are over - that was one of the most stressful parts! How pleasant for you both to share the cup of coffee ~ like a nice closure.
I'm sure you will still experience several levels of grief - please please give yourself lots of self-care! You deserve it - it has been a long drawn out ordeal!
PINK HUGS to you!
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Tam
Wow....what a journey! There may be some rough spots ahead but now you know you can handle them. And often the difference between a good day and a bad day...is one day.
Glad that everything went well for you.
gentle hugs
ke
Wow....what a journey! There may be some rough spots ahead but now you know you can handle them. And often the difference between a good day and a bad day...is one day.
Glad that everything went well for you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
well Im crying today
..you know there are no winners in this situation, the only thing that won was the drug.
I fought so hard for so long to get him help, I went beyond what most people would have done for their spouse, sadly the outcome is divorce. it took not only financial strain but emotional and physical pain on me. I wanted so many times to throw in the towel, but I couldnt. I couldnt live with it again, I couldnt let him continue the pills. I never expected this outcome but I was
determined, my HP showed me the way.
I never realized how strong addiction is.
I asked him yesterday how he felt, I coudlnt imagine he felt anything at all,
I was shocked to hear he was sad, missed me, my family and his life. he didnt
want to talk about personal things he said it was too painful for him. for the
last 16 months I thought he didnt care, I thought he was happy, I thought
he will give in, I thought he is hitting his rock bottom. I dont know what his rock bottom will be, I believe death. I have to accept that. I have to let his HP take care of him.
It hasnt been easy I will be honest to say to you all, I wouldnt wish this on anyone, but there comes a time when you say enough is enough and there comes a time when your so ill from it that you find the strength and courage to do what is right for YOU.
if anything good comes out of this is maybe my story will help someone else.
Maybe you will see how powerful addiction is, maybe you will see how loving you are, how you care and no matter what, we are not in control of anyone but ourselves and addiction is just so powerful.
thank you each and everyone of you for getting me through this, giving me the knowledge, the coping skills and the strength to carry on.
I finally have accepted his decision. we made amends..now its time to heal.
..you know there are no winners in this situation, the only thing that won was the drug.I fought so hard for so long to get him help, I went beyond what most people would have done for their spouse, sadly the outcome is divorce. it took not only financial strain but emotional and physical pain on me. I wanted so many times to throw in the towel, but I couldnt. I couldnt live with it again, I couldnt let him continue the pills. I never expected this outcome but I was
determined, my HP showed me the way.
I never realized how strong addiction is.
I asked him yesterday how he felt, I coudlnt imagine he felt anything at all,
I was shocked to hear he was sad, missed me, my family and his life. he didnt
want to talk about personal things he said it was too painful for him. for the
last 16 months I thought he didnt care, I thought he was happy, I thought
he will give in, I thought he is hitting his rock bottom. I dont know what his rock bottom will be, I believe death. I have to accept that. I have to let his HP take care of him.
It hasnt been easy I will be honest to say to you all, I wouldnt wish this on anyone, but there comes a time when you say enough is enough and there comes a time when your so ill from it that you find the strength and courage to do what is right for YOU.
if anything good comes out of this is maybe my story will help someone else.
Maybe you will see how powerful addiction is, maybe you will see how loving you are, how you care and no matter what, we are not in control of anyone but ourselves and addiction is just so powerful.
thank you each and everyone of you for getting me through this, giving me the knowledge, the coping skills and the strength to carry on.
I finally have accepted his decision. we made amends..now its time to heal.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
there comes a time when your so ill from it that you find the strength and courage to do what is right for YOU
I am so sad for you. I am not far behind, so it makes the sadness even stronger to me. I just wanted to add that finding that strength and courage is also about doing what is right for THEM TOO! That is something I am only recently coming to a realization of, but it is profound. Wallowing in the pit with them hoping for a miracle is not best for them either.
And by the way, cry all you want! That is normal and I think it's good for the soul. It is like a physical release of all that pent up pain...hang in there.
****{HUGS}}}
I am so sad for you. I am not far behind, so it makes the sadness even stronger to me. I just wanted to add that finding that strength and courage is also about doing what is right for THEM TOO! That is something I am only recently coming to a realization of, but it is profound. Wallowing in the pit with them hoping for a miracle is not best for them either.
And by the way, cry all you want! That is normal and I think it's good for the soul. It is like a physical release of all that pent up pain...hang in there.
****{HUGS}}}
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I'm sorry to hear your sad story, but you certainly sound like a very strong woman & wise too. You are obviously very caring of others too & determined to make something good come out of this. That is so admirable of you. There are many that do need you to share with them from your ESH. I hope that this awful pain subsides for you very soon. ********{Caring Hugs}}}}}
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I fought so hard for so long to get him help, I went beyond what most people would have done for their spouse, sadly the outcome is divorce. it took not only financial strain but emotional and physical pain on me. I wanted so many times to throw in the towel, but I couldnt.
Tam, I can relate so well to your post. Eveything about it. Even through all of this I didn't hate my xah. I don't now. He's a sick person and I'm coming to the terms that he may never be well. Just as you, we are on friendly terms. My xah never physically hurt me. He did himself though. It's such a sad thing to go through and we definately need to take the time to grieve. Even a year later for me, it's still hard. I don't miss what I lived with, but I struggle with letting go of what could have been.
Tam, I can relate so well to your post. Eveything about it. Even through all of this I didn't hate my xah. I don't now. He's a sick person and I'm coming to the terms that he may never be well. Just as you, we are on friendly terms. My xah never physically hurt me. He did himself though. It's such a sad thing to go through and we definately need to take the time to grieve. Even a year later for me, it's still hard. I don't miss what I lived with, but I struggle with letting go of what could have been.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
Originally Posted by Callie 
I fought so hard for so long to get him help, I went beyond what most people would have done for their spouse, sadly the outcome is divorce. it took not only financial strain but emotional and physical pain on me. I wanted so many times to throw in the towel, but I couldnt.
Tam, I can relate so well to your post. Eveything about it. Even through all of this I didn't hate my xah. I don't now. He's a sick person and I'm coming to the terms that he may never be well. Just as you, we are on friendly terms. My xah never physically hurt me. He did himself though. It's such a sad thing to go through and we definately need to take the time to grieve. Even a year later for me, it's still hard. I don't miss what I lived with, but I struggle with letting go of what could have been.
Tam, I can relate so well to your post. Eveything about it. Even through all of this I didn't hate my xah. I don't now. He's a sick person and I'm coming to the terms that he may never be well. Just as you, we are on friendly terms. My xah never physically hurt me. He did himself though. It's such a sad thing to go through and we definately need to take the time to grieve. Even a year later for me, it's still hard. I don't miss what I lived with, but I struggle with letting go of what could have been.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
So very hard Tam. I really wished I hated him... But I don't. The only advice I can give is NO contact. For me: Contact only brought the "goodness" that I lost. Not the Chaos and toxicity, which is what I NEEDED to see.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
You are free, Tam!
And I don't mean free from an addict or free from a marriage. No, I mean free from the confines of denial and focusing on that which can never change. You have discovered peace in accepting who your X is and leaving it at that and now you are choosing to honor the good things in your relationship and let the struggles go.
You are free to move forward in any direction you choose and know that he will be watched over and guided on his path with his choices just as you are.
There is something almost transcendent about that kind of freedom. I often can't express how it feels to just be in the moment and let go of the outcome.
Your sharing this is inspirational. Thank you for that!
Hugs,
Alice
And I don't mean free from an addict or free from a marriage. No, I mean free from the confines of denial and focusing on that which can never change. You have discovered peace in accepting who your X is and leaving it at that and now you are choosing to honor the good things in your relationship and let the struggles go.
You are free to move forward in any direction you choose and know that he will be watched over and guided on his path with his choices just as you are.
There is something almost transcendent about that kind of freedom. I often can't express how it feels to just be in the moment and let go of the outcome.
Your sharing this is inspirational. Thank you for that!
Hugs,
Alice
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