right thing?
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right thing?
so i've been in this weird place again. back sliding perhaps or just having trouble with the reality of not having contact. i am at work and i got a call. i was not expecting it to be her. she asked if we could hang out tonight. she sounded good and was nice. but then she dropped about needing a few dollars. i told her i had not money and couldn't do anything anyway since i was at work. she kept asking and tried negotiating that she has not asked for money in a long time and i havent given her any in a long time so whats the big deal. i said again, there's nothing i can do while i am at work. she said- cant you leave? i said no, i cant. she said, you did before and its been a long time since you did. i said i cant, besides we're short staffed. she said, you didnt even try to ask, you're no help, i cant believe you're doing this to me, i am so angry right now- click. she hung up.
have you had these kinds of calls?
how did you feel afterwards?
i'm in a weird place. i don't want her to hate me, i don't want to be a pushover either.
have you had these kinds of calls?
how did you feel afterwards?
i'm in a weird place. i don't want her to hate me, i don't want to be a pushover either.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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i have been realizing that for the most part i have taken a passive approach waiting for her to move on etc.
once last fall and just recently are the times i took some action by not letting her stay with me. i expect her to possible call back later.
anvil- yes this was about cash after all. but, do you really believe everything is just about cash? do you believe they're not capable of love or hate? i do get that everything is the drugs, but i guess i i still cannot comprehend that there is nothing else.
i think i might shut my phone.
once last fall and just recently are the times i took some action by not letting her stay with me. i expect her to possible call back later.
anvil- yes this was about cash after all. but, do you really believe everything is just about cash? do you believe they're not capable of love or hate? i do get that everything is the drugs, but i guess i i still cannot comprehend that there is nothing else.
i think i might shut my phone.
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cynical one-
this is something i have definitely been able to start seeing- there are no calls just to say hi. i think there was one last fall.
kiki-
well said. she has used all that 'logic' before
its been over an hour and no call back form her. i guess she's looking elsewhere.
this is something i have definitely been able to start seeing- there are no calls just to say hi. i think there was one last fall.
kiki-
well said. she has used all that 'logic' before
its been over an hour and no call back form her. i guess she's looking elsewhere.
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its like she acted like a little kid. i guess for them there is urgency. but after everything i have done i didnt really expect this, although i am not surprised. when something like this happens there is the feeling of being used like cynical one said. but then i somehow say, this isnt really her, its the drugs, the addiction.
i'm sure she'll apologize, but then that makes me wonder if that is sincere. there is no way to know anything with this. i really do believe there is some feeling toward me, but i am fully aware the feeling for the drug is bigger.
i'm sure she'll apologize, but then that makes me wonder if that is sincere. there is no way to know anything with this. i really do believe there is some feeling toward me, but i am fully aware the feeling for the drug is bigger.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Steve - do you have on your heels? cause it's the same ole dance Honey!
one, two, three - give your money to me
and
one, two, three - how mean can you be
and
one, two, three - can i have the car key
and
one, two, three - i'm really getting better don't you see
and
one, two, three - do you have the cash for me
Steve- Congrats to you for NOT dancing to this horrid song! Remember, you are giving her the gift of opportunity to find a better way and yourself the gift of dignity & respect.
Keep doing what is HEALTHY for you!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
one, two, three - give your money to me
and
one, two, three - how mean can you be
and
one, two, three - can i have the car key
and
one, two, three - i'm really getting better don't you see
and
one, two, three - do you have the cash for me
Steve- Congrats to you for NOT dancing to this horrid song! Remember, you are giving her the gift of opportunity to find a better way and yourself the gift of dignity & respect.
Keep doing what is HEALTHY for you!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by steve1840 
its like she acted like a little kid. i guess for them there is urgency. but after everything i have done i didnt really expect this, although i am not surprised. when something like this happens there is the feeling of being used like cynical one said. but then i somehow say, this isnt really her, its the drugs, the addiction.
i'm sure she'll apologize, but then that makes me wonder if that is sincere. there is no way to know anything with this. i really do believe there is some feeling toward me, but i am fully aware the feeling for the drug is bigger.
i'm sure she'll apologize, but then that makes me wonder if that is sincere. there is no way to know anything with this. i really do believe there is some feeling toward me, but i am fully aware the feeling for the drug is bigger.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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her brain is hijacked, her drug addiction is her primary mission and function in life right now etc
ever so slowly the reality of this seeps in. thus far i have separated her from the addiction. i keep beleiving there is a person underneath who is capable of remaining somewhat normal.
and thats just it, there were so many times that seemed normal enough. but i guess that was only when her needs were met. there were plenty of unnormal times too. it seems there is a difference from when she was staying with me and now that she is not. i dont get phones calls saying, hey i love you and miss you. she'll say that when i see her though, but that could be part real and part lip service.
i'll be brutally and shamefully honest here, there is a part of me that if i could call her, i would. just a part of me. i'm a fixer. that's what i grew up as and i can;t let things be not fixed. there was riff between us- i need to fix it so that everything is ok. if i dont fix it, the other person wont care and will be just fine without me. abandonment issues too.
i know i need to work on me.
first i need to learn how to put me first. that is so terribly hard for me when i feel its at the expense of another.
ever so slowly the reality of this seeps in. thus far i have separated her from the addiction. i keep beleiving there is a person underneath who is capable of remaining somewhat normal.
and thats just it, there were so many times that seemed normal enough. but i guess that was only when her needs were met. there were plenty of unnormal times too. it seems there is a difference from when she was staying with me and now that she is not. i dont get phones calls saying, hey i love you and miss you. she'll say that when i see her though, but that could be part real and part lip service.
i'll be brutally and shamefully honest here, there is a part of me that if i could call her, i would. just a part of me. i'm a fixer. that's what i grew up as and i can;t let things be not fixed. there was riff between us- i need to fix it so that everything is ok. if i dont fix it, the other person wont care and will be just fine without me. abandonment issues too.
i know i need to work on me.
first i need to learn how to put me first. that is so terribly hard for me when i feel its at the expense of another.
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Posts: 1,288
i know i need to work on me.
first i need to learn how to put me first. that is so terribly hard for me when i feel its at the expense of another.
first i need to learn how to put me first. that is so terribly hard for me when i feel its at the expense of another.
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anvil-
i have witness a few of those mements. and liek a true codie i just kind of swept it under the rug, telling myslef thats over and its all ok now. everytime i said no it was the same thing- how uncaring i was, how its my fault if something bad happens, etc. yes, i have seen her completely taken over. it could have been anyone in formt of her and it wouldnt have made a difference. you are right- all they hear is no and they react to that.
she could be totally normal, then i could sense the shift, and then you know where that led to.
i just wish there was a way to really know what she really thinks about real things.
i have witness a few of those mements. and liek a true codie i just kind of swept it under the rug, telling myslef thats over and its all ok now. everytime i said no it was the same thing- how uncaring i was, how its my fault if something bad happens, etc. yes, i have seen her completely taken over. it could have been anyone in formt of her and it wouldnt have made a difference. you are right- all they hear is no and they react to that.
she could be totally normal, then i could sense the shift, and then you know where that led to.
i just wish there was a way to really know what she really thinks about real things.
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kiki-
what i meant by at her expense, was like, i should probably go no contact. thats be suggested from day one. but i keep geting taken by the thoughts that telling her i need to fix me and cannot be there for her while she is in active addiction, that somehow i am, as i have thought from day one, abandoning her. i understand that that is not truly the case. when i told her i could not keep going on with her at my house she understood and saw that as a good thing for me and possible for us. so you are right, maybe it could help her to imitate.
she shows what she "really" thinks by her ACTIONS, Steve. That is how you know what she thinks and plans and feels. By her actions.
see, i keep wondering what are her real thoughts. by that i mean, maybe her actions are led by the adiction, which may not be what her real feelings are. like she does these plans and actions becasue everything is based on the drugs. maybe i just keep wishing that the real her is still somewhere in there.
what i meant by at her expense, was like, i should probably go no contact. thats be suggested from day one. but i keep geting taken by the thoughts that telling her i need to fix me and cannot be there for her while she is in active addiction, that somehow i am, as i have thought from day one, abandoning her. i understand that that is not truly the case. when i told her i could not keep going on with her at my house she understood and saw that as a good thing for me and possible for us. so you are right, maybe it could help her to imitate.
she shows what she "really" thinks by her ACTIONS, Steve. That is how you know what she thinks and plans and feels. By her actions.
see, i keep wondering what are her real thoughts. by that i mean, maybe her actions are led by the adiction, which may not be what her real feelings are. like she does these plans and actions becasue everything is based on the drugs. maybe i just keep wishing that the real her is still somewhere in there.
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Posts: 1,888
Steve my friend, I think you have it. You have it right there on the tip of your brain.
You are coming to an awakening point.
I'm so excited I can hardly type!
You said no to her and she did just what addicts do, she pitched a hissy and moved on to the next fish on her list.
First off, I'm so darn proud of you!!
Second off, and this is where the work has begun. This is where the meat hits the bone isn't it? This is when you start asking the right questions, and that's..."How do I feel now and why?" BRAVO!
All this boils down to how you feel in saying a simple no. You had legitimate reasons for saying no that had nothing to do with her being an addict that any average person would accept (no cash, busy at work etc) and not feel guilt over it. Sorry, can't help this time around. Fair enough.
But when enablers/codie/whatever you want to call us say no it has this whole other meaning for us. We compulsively can't do it without feeling guilt, shame, failure, loss, self doubt, lack of control, pain from harming someone else. It still baffles me why I I've been this way. Why I can't just say no to something simple. I don't have any money so when my X used to ask me and I said no it brought huge feelings of failure out, plus he was angry so there was fear there too.
I think what stops us from recovery from this harmful kind of need for fixing and need for helping and need for self worth in doing for others is when an addict or other con artist manipulates the situation for their own end. We can't see through all their complaints and finger pointing and shaming to see what it really boils down to.
You are now seeing through her to what it really boils down to for you. Where did all these feelings start? They were there long before she came along in your life. How far back does it go? Shoot, could go back to the womb for me, I'm still digging in my own dirt to find out.
I'm not making much sense here I'm sure. I'm just so jazzed that this moment has come for you. I'm excited to see you reach this in recovery. I'm honored to be a part of this with you, really I am.
Keep digging.
Keep looking within.
Keep working this recovery biz, because it sure is working for you!
In friendship,
Alice
You are coming to an awakening point.
I'm so excited I can hardly type!
You said no to her and she did just what addicts do, she pitched a hissy and moved on to the next fish on her list.
First off, I'm so darn proud of you!!
Second off, and this is where the work has begun. This is where the meat hits the bone isn't it? This is when you start asking the right questions, and that's..."How do I feel now and why?" BRAVO!
All this boils down to how you feel in saying a simple no. You had legitimate reasons for saying no that had nothing to do with her being an addict that any average person would accept (no cash, busy at work etc) and not feel guilt over it. Sorry, can't help this time around. Fair enough.
But when enablers/codie/whatever you want to call us say no it has this whole other meaning for us. We compulsively can't do it without feeling guilt, shame, failure, loss, self doubt, lack of control, pain from harming someone else. It still baffles me why I I've been this way. Why I can't just say no to something simple. I don't have any money so when my X used to ask me and I said no it brought huge feelings of failure out, plus he was angry so there was fear there too.
I think what stops us from recovery from this harmful kind of need for fixing and need for helping and need for self worth in doing for others is when an addict or other con artist manipulates the situation for their own end. We can't see through all their complaints and finger pointing and shaming to see what it really boils down to.
You are now seeing through her to what it really boils down to for you. Where did all these feelings start? They were there long before she came along in your life. How far back does it go? Shoot, could go back to the womb for me, I'm still digging in my own dirt to find out.
I'm not making much sense here I'm sure. I'm just so jazzed that this moment has come for you. I'm excited to see you reach this in recovery. I'm honored to be a part of this with you, really I am.
Keep digging.
Keep looking within.
Keep working this recovery biz, because it sure is working for you!
In friendship,
Alice
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Steve, this is the same thing over and over and over.
I am serious when i say the following, you need some INTENSE IN PATIENT TIME at the Betty Ford Center for your CO DEPENDENCE. Yes, the Betty Ford Center and some others do have In Patient ReHab for Co Dependency.
Then maybe, just maybe you will finally get, that YOU cannot know her real feelings when SHE does NOT know her real feelings.
You are being SUCKERED BIG TIME. She will continue to use 'your feelings' against you as long as she thinks there is a chance of getting some money out of you. OH maybe not this time, but she will try again.
I know, I was her, living on the streets for 1 and 1/2 years, using and abusing everyone I could to get the $$$ I needed for my alcohol and drugs.
Steve NO is a COMPLETE SENTENCE. No explanations after that, not I don't have the money, I cannot get away, just NO.
Your only hope is NO CONTACT and some really heavy RE HAB for you.
Please go back and read your 'old' threads. Has anything at all really changed? NOPE. We are stil telling you the same things from our own experiences and you are STILL making excuses.
So .................................. what is your Next Step going to be?
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I am serious when i say the following, you need some INTENSE IN PATIENT TIME at the Betty Ford Center for your CO DEPENDENCE. Yes, the Betty Ford Center and some others do have In Patient ReHab for Co Dependency.
Then maybe, just maybe you will finally get, that YOU cannot know her real feelings when SHE does NOT know her real feelings.
You are being SUCKERED BIG TIME. She will continue to use 'your feelings' against you as long as she thinks there is a chance of getting some money out of you. OH maybe not this time, but she will try again.
I know, I was her, living on the streets for 1 and 1/2 years, using and abusing everyone I could to get the $$$ I needed for my alcohol and drugs.
Steve NO is a COMPLETE SENTENCE. No explanations after that, not I don't have the money, I cannot get away, just NO.
Your only hope is NO CONTACT and some really heavy RE HAB for you.
Please go back and read your 'old' threads. Has anything at all really changed? NOPE. We are stil telling you the same things from our own experiences and you are STILL making excuses.
So .................................. what is your Next Step going to be?
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Giiiirl, you are so blowin' my recovery about Steve over here, but I totally see what you're saying.
I see progress here, though and the word 'no' starting to take root in his vocabulary. Sure there's some fertilizer getting thrown around too with all the explanations being added, but it's a fledgling sprout. It can grow.
I see progress here, though and the word 'no' starting to take root in his vocabulary. Sure there's some fertilizer getting thrown around too with all the explanations being added, but it's a fledgling sprout. It can grow.
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