meredithd

My son is 13 and his dad is an addict.Since he had back surgery a few years ago it has gotten progressively worse, his involvement in my sons life has always been pretty limited he just chose not to play a very active role and that use to really bother me.Now I just wish he would stay away I don't allow him to drive with my son in his car because he is always high and has had numerous accidents and I only let him take him if his mom is driving and will be around(he lives with her).Recently they came to pick him up and when I looked out the window as they were leaving he was driving so obviously she does not respect my wishes any more than he does even though she claims to understand.I'm afraid if I tell him he can't see his dad anymore that he will try to run away and live with them and that would be really bad.Any thoughts?

Ann

My son was not allowed to see his boy after years of not showing up, or not being consistant as he traveled in and out of recovery. The boy's mother was wise and would not allow her son to be emotionally shaken anymore. It meant that I could not see him either, but I still respect her decision and believe it was in the boy's best interest.

Only you can decide what is right and in your child's best interest. You may want to get legal advice so you know your rights and the child's rights too.

It must be very hard to be you, and my heart and my prayers go out for you.

Hugs

meredithd

Thank you.I think I will seek some legal advice.

meredithd

I have done that in the past and it is effective for reducing the chances of physical harm but it is the stuff he says to him that is also causing a problem. My son knows he is an addict we have talked a lot about it but he still wants to believe that he would not lie to him so it is hard. Everyone tells me soon enough he won't want to go with him at all I am hoping that happens soon.

hello-kitty

How about some family counseling for you and your son to help him develop some new ways of coping with his fathers drug addiction?

meredithd

I am willing to do counseling but my son said he is not comfortable with it.I started going myself and I hope it will make him feel better about it .

hello-kitty

I'm talking family therapy, not individual. One time isn't going to kill him, even if it makes him a little uncomfortable. He's 13 - I'd be shocked if the thought of counseling DIDN'T make him uncomfortable. I wouldn't let that deter me from attempting to do whatever I thought was necessary to help my child deal with his fathers addiction.

laurie6781

CO beat me to it, lol I was also going to mention, contacting the school to see if there are any AlAteen meetings at the school after regular classes, many times there are.

If your son is willing it would be a great way for him to hear from his own peers that he is not alone and learn from them how they deal with an A parent.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

meredithd

Hello-kitty family counseling is a great idea but not one that I feel I should force on him.I like cynical ones idea to get some Alateen literature to leave around where he will see it.

Kindeyes

I don't know how to answer your question. I am the mother of an addict. I love his little son so very much. My grandson's mother and my son are no longer together. She is in the process of filing legal documents for custody and the documents state that my son will have no access to his son except that which she grants. I'm ok with that.

She has been very reasonable in allowing me to see my grandson one or two days per month. I have (in the past) advised my AS when his son was with me so that he could spend time with him. Sometimes he shows up......sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes when he shows up he sleeps the whole time. He is not dependable or consistent. He is not providing the security that a child deserves from his father.

My AS's viewpoint? The State and his ex are trying to "take his son away from him". He is completely unable to comprehend that drugs have taken his son away from him.

Due to recent happenings and rapid progression of my son's disease, I will no longer be advising him when his son is with me. At this stage, my grandson should not be exposed to his father who is in the advanced stage of addiction.

When/if my AS ever decides to seek treatment for his disease, he may earn that priviledge. This is not punitive. I wish more than anything that my son was well enough to be around his son....but he is not. And the healthy adults in my grandson's life owe it to him to protect him from the disease.....or he gets caught up in it too. My grandson is only five years old though......that's a lot different than 13.

I'm with Ann. Even if it meant that I was not able to see my grandson anymore, I would accept that if that is what needed to happen to protect him. I hope it never comes to that but his welfare comes before my desires.

You're in a tough spot and I don't envy your position at all. I think the Alateen suggestions are very good. He may benefit from the support of others who are dealing with a similar situation.

gentle hugs
ke

meredithd

Thanks kindeyes sometimes I feel like he intentionally stays involved just enough to be disruptive to my family, my husband has been my sons father since he was 3 his dad just comes around a couple times a month to shake things up.What is the advanced stage of addiction?I'm sure he is probably there.

Babyblue

The issue of forcing is tricky.. I can see why you would feel reluctant to do that but as his mom, sometimes you have to decide things beyond his comfort level if it is for his best interest.

He is 13. That is a bit young to let him dictate how he manage this issue with his dad. He just doesn't have the emotional maturity to sort through it so as much proper guidance (therapy) as he can get, the better.

I'm gonna say that you have to step over his discomfort and get him help with this. He may throw a fit but what is the alternative? Years of pain and confusion. He needs to have the tools now to be able to cope.

Think about it. You are his mom and do know him best but teens need lots and lots of guidance and it is normal for them to resist.

Here is an idea: have another adult he trusts (not mom) talk to him about therapy, some male adult in his life would be ideal. But any friend of yours that he has known his whole life would work too.

meredithd

Cynical One- My thoughts exactly.He is a great student pretty well adjusted I think, he is in 7th grade so he is in a bit of an awkward stage.He has a lot of friends at school but does not like to socialize outside of school much unless with neighborhood kids or online but I am finding out from other parents that's not abnormal.He plays guitar and is getting ready to do his 3rd talent show at school which I am sooo excited about because I would never have had the guts to do it once let alone 3 times!He does talk to my husband some (They have a great relationship I think) but he also talks to me the thing is that it's hard not to sound like it's me against his dad.There was a time after a talk we had that he looked at me and said "Mom Jim's dad is in prison and Nicks dad is a drunk my dad is a pill popper so I fit right in." We laughed but later I thought maybe he is just trying to make me feel better.