My story so far!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 13
My story so far!!
Hi my name is Fonzie and I am an Alcoholic!!
First off I would like to thank every one for being here on these forums, it is a fantastic site, I have been coming to the site off and on for the last 2 years and never joined up until yesterday, This Alcoholic likes to procrastinate!!
I am 2 day’s clean and sober, I used diazepam 3 day’s ago to alleviate my anxiety. To me that is still a mind altering substance and I used it to escape what I was feeling (anxiety) like I did with alcohol, alcohol I used to escape from me.
When I first drank Alcohol it was awesome. I remember the feeling quite well!! I went to bed that night feeling like I was on top of the world and that I had found the solution to what ever it was that I was feeling, If only it would have stayed like that lol!! To cut a long story short I drank for 16 years and things just got worse!! Trouble with the police, family, friends ect!! I got to my first AA meeting about 5 years ago and left thinking that I was not that bad!! Things got worse!! Lost a job could not finish my study’s ect. Got back to meeting a year after that out of pure hope that my girlfriend, at the time, would not leave me!! That lasted about a month!! Well I lost her in the end, I did not lose her I know were she is lol, I went into melt down. I would binge every time I had any money, the paranoia and the loneliness was unreal. I started, at this point, to realize for the first time that I had a real problem!! I got back to AA and really got involved, Chairing meetings, got a sponsor, got a home group and done service work. All was going well for a month and a half and then I went out and drank again on knowledge. I picked up were I had left off. Things started to happen to me that I had herd at meeting, it started to freak me out!! One week end I went on a big bender and drank 24 hours strait, did not eat and was a complete mess. I passed out only to wake very groggy, the craving to drink had still not left me so I picked up a drink, I started to go insane I thought the beer that I was drinking had something in it, I was going mad and I was freaking out I thought I had been drugged I was pacing around the place trying to lay down but I could not coordinate anything in my mind my heart was racing flat out, I was that paranoid that some one had got into the house and drugged my drinks, someone who had it in for me , I jump into the car and drove to the ER did not worry about being pulled over or anything I just wanted to get to the ER, I thought I was going to die or go insane forever. In the ER they gave me a diazepam and man o man what a relief. I was told I was going though withdrawal and I was suffering with and anxiety attack but I did not believe them somehow!! Any way’s I new that was it I did not want to go though that ever again it was the scariest thing I had ever experienced in my life.
Well I stopped drinking and got a job and started to get my life on track. Things were really good and looking up!! Then I had what I now think was and anxiety attack at work and started to freak out like I did on my last drunk!! I thought, what is going on I have not drank in 2 months whey am I feeling like this and I was feeling like I had been drugged again!! Went to the docs and he proscribe to me diazepam and some anti-depressants and told me that I had GAD!! I did not fully believe him and thought there was something else mentally wrong with me, but the diazepam was working to keep me “sane” so I was using it every time I started to panic. I was warned that I would drink again, but I thought I new better.
Well the day came about a month ago when things started to get to me at work, the general back stabbing and the rest of the “normal” everyday things just got to a boiling point and after 4 months of starting to get some sort of structure in my life, I left the job mid morning went though the drive though on the way home got 12 stubbies and picked up were I left off. The fear of the dreadful night in the ER had left me and my ego was over the top!!
Well here I am now!! I have had good look at my relapse and can see were I went wrong. I had stop attending meetings, was not doing any of the program, was not talking to anyone about how I was feeling and yup, as they say in the meetings, it led me to the drink again!!
Today I look at this as a great lesson I had to learn, due to my ignorance to complacency and my ego.
I do have hope that I can keep moving forward from this day on and do what I need to do!! If nothing changes nothing changes!!
Thanks for reading Fonzie
First off I would like to thank every one for being here on these forums, it is a fantastic site, I have been coming to the site off and on for the last 2 years and never joined up until yesterday, This Alcoholic likes to procrastinate!!
I am 2 day’s clean and sober, I used diazepam 3 day’s ago to alleviate my anxiety. To me that is still a mind altering substance and I used it to escape what I was feeling (anxiety) like I did with alcohol, alcohol I used to escape from me.
When I first drank Alcohol it was awesome. I remember the feeling quite well!! I went to bed that night feeling like I was on top of the world and that I had found the solution to what ever it was that I was feeling, If only it would have stayed like that lol!! To cut a long story short I drank for 16 years and things just got worse!! Trouble with the police, family, friends ect!! I got to my first AA meeting about 5 years ago and left thinking that I was not that bad!! Things got worse!! Lost a job could not finish my study’s ect. Got back to meeting a year after that out of pure hope that my girlfriend, at the time, would not leave me!! That lasted about a month!! Well I lost her in the end, I did not lose her I know were she is lol, I went into melt down. I would binge every time I had any money, the paranoia and the loneliness was unreal. I started, at this point, to realize for the first time that I had a real problem!! I got back to AA and really got involved, Chairing meetings, got a sponsor, got a home group and done service work. All was going well for a month and a half and then I went out and drank again on knowledge. I picked up were I had left off. Things started to happen to me that I had herd at meeting, it started to freak me out!! One week end I went on a big bender and drank 24 hours strait, did not eat and was a complete mess. I passed out only to wake very groggy, the craving to drink had still not left me so I picked up a drink, I started to go insane I thought the beer that I was drinking had something in it, I was going mad and I was freaking out I thought I had been drugged I was pacing around the place trying to lay down but I could not coordinate anything in my mind my heart was racing flat out, I was that paranoid that some one had got into the house and drugged my drinks, someone who had it in for me , I jump into the car and drove to the ER did not worry about being pulled over or anything I just wanted to get to the ER, I thought I was going to die or go insane forever. In the ER they gave me a diazepam and man o man what a relief. I was told I was going though withdrawal and I was suffering with and anxiety attack but I did not believe them somehow!! Any way’s I new that was it I did not want to go though that ever again it was the scariest thing I had ever experienced in my life.
Well I stopped drinking and got a job and started to get my life on track. Things were really good and looking up!! Then I had what I now think was and anxiety attack at work and started to freak out like I did on my last drunk!! I thought, what is going on I have not drank in 2 months whey am I feeling like this and I was feeling like I had been drugged again!! Went to the docs and he proscribe to me diazepam and some anti-depressants and told me that I had GAD!! I did not fully believe him and thought there was something else mentally wrong with me, but the diazepam was working to keep me “sane” so I was using it every time I started to panic. I was warned that I would drink again, but I thought I new better.
Well the day came about a month ago when things started to get to me at work, the general back stabbing and the rest of the “normal” everyday things just got to a boiling point and after 4 months of starting to get some sort of structure in my life, I left the job mid morning went though the drive though on the way home got 12 stubbies and picked up were I left off. The fear of the dreadful night in the ER had left me and my ego was over the top!!
Well here I am now!! I have had good look at my relapse and can see were I went wrong. I had stop attending meetings, was not doing any of the program, was not talking to anyone about how I was feeling and yup, as they say in the meetings, it led me to the drink again!!
Today I look at this as a great lesson I had to learn, due to my ignorance to complacency and my ego.
I do have hope that I can keep moving forward from this day on and do what I need to do!! If nothing changes nothing changes!!
Thanks for reading Fonzie
Last edited by Dee74; 04-26-2011 at 03:47 AM. Reason: edit request
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Welcome Fonzie...its a shame that it takes so much for us to realize what we knew in the first place. How simple would it be if we listened to ourselves the first time! Pffft! Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
Glad you're here.
Glad you're here.
The Winner Takes It All!!!!!
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: United Kingdom (HULL)
Posts: 230
Beleive it or not the stronger people are the ones that come through a relapse and realise the error, but I'd say it wasn't an error, just a wrong turn on a long journey, what matters is getting to the destination, not how many wrong roads we take.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,474
Glad to have you here Fonzie. For me the key has been accessing the face to face support that I needed, for me that has been addiction counselling and therapy...for others it is AA, or any other program that works. we can't do it by ourselves.
The most important thing is that you have gotten back up and refocused on your sobriety. Look forward to watching your progress.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Welcome Fonzie, Keep it up.
We sure do like to examine all the pitfalls for ourselves don't we?
I do still get panic attacks. Usually if I am still and trying to avoid the world, and my head just won't let me off! Heart palpitations, the whole nine yards. Don't take anything for them and they pass. I usually look at them as a little kick in the pants or maybe too much caffeine. lol
We sure do like to examine all the pitfalls for ourselves don't we?
I do still get panic attacks. Usually if I am still and trying to avoid the world, and my head just won't let me off! Heart palpitations, the whole nine yards. Don't take anything for them and they pass. I usually look at them as a little kick in the pants or maybe too much caffeine. lol
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