i think bf is on way to relapsing again...

Old 04-25-2011, 10:28 PM
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i think bf is on way to relapsing again...

Hi all,

I am going crazy over here. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, lived together for 2. I actually met him while he was in a 1 year live- in rehab (court ordered). He had about 4 months till graduation till i met him. After he graduated, he moved into my place and everything was going fine. He was going to meetings at first but those slowly started dwindling off. I really didnt know anything about recovery back then, I thought he was "healed" from rehab so I questioned it a lil bit, but when he said he didnt feel comfortable because there was no 'young people' group, I just said ok.

Sooo a year after graduating rehab, he relapsed. His drug of choice was meth and oxy. He slowly started drinking after i told him I was pregnant becasue he was stressed and then he started hanging out in the city and I guess hung out with some people that were not good and had a full on relapse. That was so painful. He would not come home all night, I later found out he cheated on me, he said he wanted nothing to do with the baby that it is too much for him. He was a completely diff person. Normally he is a great guy. He moved out and moved in with his partier friend a couple huours away. He was dealing coke and weed and steroids doing god knows what else. I regretfully ended my pregnancy....something that i regret to the fullest.

Well 2 months later, he called me saying he missed me, he is so sick, he is trying to come off heroin, oxy and whatever else. I met him at restaurant and he was crying and said he messed up so bad. He said he is going back to rehab, not to get me back but to fix himself. He said he will accept whatever decision i make, he knows he messed up. I went a visited him in rehab almost every other wknd. He seemed like he was taking it more seriously because he said previous time was court ordered and this time was a personal decision. (He went back to the same rehab)

Soon enough we were back together on a couple conditions. Those were...his recovery need to come FIRST, no matter WHAT...2 meetings a week, and keep in touch regularly with your sponser. He left the program at 4 months becasue he said he got what he needed out of it and moved to a sober living house. He was in that house for 1 week and moved out..he said there was a bedbug infestation and it was disgusting so he moved back in with me.

Things were going great for the 1st couple months...i would get up and he would be doing recovering reading or whatever...he was going to meetings and working with is sponser.

Well about 6 month out of rehab his sponser and him stopped keeping regualr contact (he said he thought his sponser was relapsing and he was going thru a lot of issues) so that was gone. His meetings went from 2x week to 1x a week to about 1x a month to no none. I think the last meeting he went to was 2 months ago and he only goes when i REALLY push it.

He admitted to me that he smoked weed a couple times and i was VERY upset. He said he would like to smoke it every once in a while at home and nothing else. He said that is not a trigger for him, drinking is. I didnt approve but I also dont want to leave him...(well im not sure anymore.) We were having money troubles so he has this great idea to GROW pot. Wtf!! Well now its been 3 months, and for the past 3 months, he is growing (he got his "medical card"-which is ********) he smokes ALL day...and i mean all day. gets up in AM goes pee....then smokes! all day in between, and at nite smokes and passes out on couch. I am rude to him because I hate this...he was supposed to be all about recovery. He said im over reacting, that he is not out on the streets like before, he is always at home and that weed is 'not a drug!" He goes to his dads to work (he is out of work here) and his dad smokes with him! I mean hello! Your son is supposed to be in recovery~ He even got him a bong for his bday! His mom and I stand united, and we have discussed our concerns MANY times, but he just gets pissed and says we are over reacting.

Now the past couple weeks he has been in conatct with questionable ppl and he said he is thinking about making "donations" of weed if you know what I mean! I told him I cant take this anymore I will not put my family thru this again (I have 2 lil girls 7 and 9 that are VERY close to him and his family) and I am moving out soon. He just says ok baby and struts off like im not serious!

I dont know what to do...am i overrecating? Should I end 3 years over this??? I feel like he is messing up so bad now...i really am torn, PLEASE someone help me!

Thanks
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Old 04-25-2011, 11:00 PM
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(((BeachyBabe))) - I don't think you're overreacting, at all. From what it sounds like, unless he's in a structured enviroment (rehab) he hasn't been doing much recovery at all.

Being stoned, all the time, is setting up a really bad role model for your girls. Add that to the angst YOU are going through, and I'm pretty sure they feel the tension. Not blaming you for your feelings (which I understand well), just pointing out how perceptive kids are, and that age, if there is anything going wrong, they often feel they are to blame.

You've found a great source of recovery, ES& (experiences, strenght, and hope- from peole who "get" what you're going thoug.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 04-25-2011, 11:12 PM
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Ahhh Thank You for the support. Yes I am very protective over them but kids are like sponges and I know they have to know SOMETHING is going on....He does smoke OUTSIDE waaay in the bushes, (we live on lots of land) but still, i dont want my kids to even know the SMELL of it...

I hate this....even after all the talking and everything, he is just doing what he wants....pot. He is at is dads now to work for the week (probably passed out stoned as we speak). He knows I am mad and at the end of my rope. He doesnt even call to tell me he is friggen alive....ANd I know when he comes back in a few days he is going to have clones or something to do with all this! Gaahhh I cant take this anymore.....i just want my OLD bf back
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Old 04-25-2011, 11:35 PM
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beachy... man oh man... what stuff you are going through right now. The sad thing is your bf is relapsing with pot. That totally sucks I know. My AH did the same thing to me a year ago "I can have a few drinks... it's only when I drink whiskey that I'll want to use (crack)." I was just so flabbergasted that he thought this way, in some delusional sense I went along with it... because it was the only way I could cope and have him still in my life.

Then it got worse... and he drank every day and then BOOM! He was gone - things taken from our home and he relapsed. It was a nightmare.

It sounds as though you are taking steps to move out but it also sounds as though you still love him (that's okay too!) and are so frustrated with his choices of thinking of himself and not you or your little girls.

I hope that you will find solace and support here and that you can glean tools to cope with your inner peace, which in turn will help you 'detach with love.' That's the most important thing. I'm SLOWLY learning this... it's freaking hard and I seem to regress somewhat at times, but I hope I am making some progress in my own recovery. In fact, I thought I was losing it last night big time and I posted a thread and I got so much love and support. It really helped me today!

Thanks for posting on here and keep coming back. You're among friends here!
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Old 04-26-2011, 08:31 AM
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tHAnks for the support -canfixonlyme.
I have to admit it feels good getting support here and justification that I am NOT overreacting. I cant talk to anyone because, well, I dont want anyone to know what is going on and idk, its just hard

He texted me this morning that he is alive...lol Last night after I wrote this, I got some info off websites about addiction and pot...and sent him a message. He will probably be mad, but hopefully he will at least read it. HE gets mad when I do stuff like that...he says 'im trying to get into his head" whatever that means!

I just am holding onto SO much hope that I dont have to end my relationship over this! We have been thru so much. I am hoping that him being away he will see how serious I am and come back and tell me he is not going to do this anymore....lol long shot i know.

Thanks so much you guys for your support, it is really helping me get thru this

<3
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Old 04-26-2011, 10:29 AM
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Before I kicked my addict boyfriend out of my son's and my life and home, I did a mental exercise where I envisioned exactly what I wanted for my child as he was growing up. It did not include living with a drug user EVEN if that drug user was his father. I had to make a tough choice and I ended my relationship because I thought that providing a safe, stable, drug free environment for my son was more important that trying to force my ex to be the father that I had hoped he would be. It was a wise choice. I didn't give up hope, I just chose to live in the reality of the situation and not hang my future on HOPE that someone else would change. From this website, I learned that if I wanted change in my life, I was the one who had to change.

There's no reason you can't HOPE on to hope AND live seperately from your BF.

What's preventing you from leaving (I'm mean financially, physically, etc), besides the HOPE that your boyfriend will change?
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Old 04-26-2011, 10:46 AM
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I mean I guess whats preventing me is just the fact that I we have been together for so long and so much and Im in love with him and I love who he is SOBER. I feel like he is a rare find, so I guess Im scared to lose that and if he stopped doing all things pot -we would be perfect.

I also dont have any family alive and so my girls call his mom grandma and are very close and it hurts that they will lose that....

We finally moved into a HOUSe together after being in a condo, but my friend is living in my old condo, and I already asked if me and the girls could stay there and she is more than ok with that.

Financially I will probably be better off as I am covering most of rent and bills since he works off and on with his dad till his unemployment comes thru.

I just feel so ****** and he is just taking this whole thing as a matter of fact, like he knew it was coming and he is ok with it, probably even happy about it, since he wont have anyone constantly bitching at him for all this

Its like I know its best to leave because he is doing all this and he has no desire to change nor he believes pot is even a drug so in his mind he is doing just fine. I guess i was just hoping he was going to come to some crazy realization that he was gonna lose me (and I have been SO GOOD to him) so he better stop doing this bs....but i think you guys are right...if I want change I am going to have to initiate this...god this is horrible...
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Old 04-26-2011, 11:28 AM
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Sounds like you've been through a lot with him and put up with more than many would have. You've made an investment but the problem is, the investment is losing value every day.

This is who he is right now and that is the person affecting your life. It is horrible but this isn't the life you wanted with this man. That life may have never existed or been a possiblity actually given his history.

Sometimes we get so hung up on our fantasy and how to make the person fit it that when reality hits, we feel betrayed. That they messed it all up when in actuality, this IS who he is and unless he decides to take recovery seriously, this will be your life with him.

Holding onto someone for as long as you have and seeing little change should tell you the outcome.
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Old 04-26-2011, 11:40 AM
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BB,

You need to move on. Your bf is not in recovery, he's in denial. 3 years of history, no matter what the emotional ties you have to them, are not reason to subject your children to this. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've been there... I've been sober for a year and a half but while I was drinking and using, when push came to shove NOTHING got in the way of my habits. It's not about you, it's his addiction and it will continue until he has come to the conclusion that he can't use or he will die. Sounds to me like he's not even in the same time zone as that level of self-awareness.

Cut ties and move on. Life is really short, BB, and this relationship is a waste of your time and love.
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Old 04-26-2011, 01:38 PM
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He's an addict doing what addicts do which includes, lying, stealing, cheating and manipulating other people.

You have two young children living under the same roof with an addict who grows pot in your home.

Your choices and behaviors show your girls how to let the world treat them and what's important.

You are at serious risk of losing your children.

.
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Old 04-26-2011, 01:51 PM
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Wow, I can really say that all your replies are helping me really realize the reality of the situation and you all are right. I do love this man, but I love my kids more...and they come first. I wish it didnt have to be like this but it seems as im living in a hopefull state of 'what he COULD be" and well i guess im starting to realize how ot really is. Well its gonna be a heartbreak summer for me....

I just dont get tho after TWO rehabs and meetings and books and sponsers and everything..how could someone be in soooo much denial?? And the people that are giving him **** for it are the ppl that really care unconditionally about him...me and his mother! wth!

If I leave thats it for good. I told myself when I went back that if it doesnt work the 2nd time, then its never gonna work...i cant keep bouncing from him being in recovery to full blown drugs again and back and forth...its too much
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Old 04-26-2011, 02:54 PM
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Originally Posted by beachybabe View Post
I just dont get tho after TWO rehabs and meetings and books and sponsers and everything..how could someone be in soooo much denial?? And the people that are giving him **** for it are the ppl that really care unconditionally about him...me and his mother! wth!
BB, I'm truly sorry you're in this situation. But the only person who's going to be able to help him is himself. Being there for him may feel like you're helping, but it only allows him to continue to delude himself. Unfortunately, he's likely got a lot more heartache ahead until he realizes there's only one way out: complete and permanent abstinence.

Regardless what he says, be true to yourself and your kids.

Peace,
Edd
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Old 04-27-2011, 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by beachybabe View Post
Wow, I can really say that all your replies are helping me really realize the reality of the situation and you all are right. I do love this man, but I love my kids more...and they come first. I wish it didnt have to be like this but it seems as im living in a hopefull state of 'what he COULD be" and well i guess im starting to realize how ot really is. [B]Well its gonna be a heartbreak summer for me....[/B

My own heartbreak occured when I realized I had been fooling myself that I had control over my daughter and her addiction. It was really more of an ego break for me to accept my own powerlessness over my daughter and her addiction. As I look back, it was liberating.]

I just dont get tho after TWO rehabs and meetings and books and sponsers and everything..how could someone be in soooo much denial?? And the people that are giving him **** for it are the ppl that really care unconditionally about him...me and his mother! wth!

There are posters here with adult children and spouces who have been at it for decades with no end in sight. Rahab does not cure addiction. At best, it can teach some tools of recovery to someone who is highly motivated to change their own life. None of us can do it for them.

If I leave thats it for good. I told myself when I went back that if it doesnt work the 2nd time, then its never gonna work...i cant keep bouncing from him being in recovery to full blown drugs again and back and forth...its too much
I guarantee you that he is going to try everything within in power to persuade you that this time is different. There are posters here who have been repeatedly persuaded to give their loved one just one more chance, hundreds of times. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

If inclined take a read on the adult children of addicts/alcoholic forums for some insight what living like this does to kids.
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Old 04-27-2011, 01:47 PM
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Beachy - I am truly sorry that you are going through this and you've got a lot of wonderful input already.

I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic and have been struggling with addiction for 11 years now...and he's not going to change, until he's absolutely ready to do this for himself. I've been in and out of rehab so many times, I've honestly lost count. From personal experience, rehabs will not work unless you put the work into your own recovery and really want it.

I wish you luck in this situation and hope you can find the strength to do what's best for your children. This is not a healthy environment for them to grow up in. *hugs*

-Jess
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