It's time. Advice welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 93
It's time. Advice welcome.
I am a 34 year old male. Happily married to a very supportive wife, and definitely an alcoholic. I really like drinking and I was fairly good at it.
I started drinking in high school like many. Then my senior year I decided to give it up. I would go out with friends a few times a year but certainly not abusively. That generally healthy pattern continued until my last year of college when I turned a little more towards the dark side with multiple days a week of serious binge drinking.
After college I moved, got a really good, high stress job in finance. I would go out for happy hour once a week and then may do some more serious drinking one day on the weekend. My drinking continued to slowly increase over subsequent years until I was having 4 or 5 drinks every other day. I was working hard (80 hours a week), playing hard (climbing mountains and running marathons), and drinking progressively more.
About 4 years ago I moved up to drinking at least 4 or 5 drinks a day with a few days a month of really getting plastered. 3 years ago I lost my job. Fortunately I have a lot of hobbies, my wife has a great job, and I had saved a substantial amount of money. I decided that it was a good time in life to take a break and do all of those things we all talk about doing but never get around to. Initially that happened. I was skiing, climbing, fishing, and traveling constantly. However the drinking remained. Perhaps a few beers with friends or perhaps a pint of whisky thrown in.
2 years ago it really started to get worse. I gradually started to lose interest in my hobbies in favor of drinking. Fortunately I was still somewhat active so week to month long periods would pass every few months in which I had no access to alcohol and therefore didn't drink. I felt pretty good during those times. But when I was home, I would drink something fierce. Often the equivalent of 16 drinks in a day, sometimes more if I didn't have anything to do. Soon I was feeling that if I didn't have a drink in my hand, panic. I quit cold turkey last September. I felt lost, anxious, nervous, and depressed all of which is not characteristic for me. So I started back one day for some reason.
I had planned a couple of big trips that required good health so I would sober up a week or two prior to get my body right, but then right back at it. For the last several months, with the exception of a few sobriety days, I have been drinking the equivalent of 20 drinks a day (a guess, but suffice to say a lot).
So about three weeks ago my right shoulder started to ache. I couldn't remember incurring any injuries so I decided to see if it got better. Of course drinking made it feel better, at least for a while. Well it didn't get better so I researched causes for right shoulder pain. There it stared at me, liver and gallbladder disease. I think they call this a moment of clarity. I read everything I could find on these diseases and I am honestly scared to death that my selfish idiocy has resulted in my own horrible early death. Realistically, it may not be anything, or it may just be the early stages of a compromised liver and totally reversible. But the fact is I needed this wake up call and to remember how stupid, terrified, worried, and depressed I feel right now. If I haven't shot my internal organs yet, I surely will eventually if I don't change paths.
Today I decided that enough is enough. I sat my wife down and told her everything, yes like most I was never honest with her about exactly how much I was drinking. I also set up a doctors appointment for later in the week and am contacting a therapist tomorrow. I am lucky, I have resources and health insurance. Makes me really feel for those who don't and are in my same situation.
Anyway, I found this website and realize from previous experiences that support is key. We live in a pretty rural area and AA meetings aren't really an option. So I am thankful that this place exists and hope that the experiences of others can help me and that mine can help them. That is if I haven't already drank myself to death.
I started drinking in high school like many. Then my senior year I decided to give it up. I would go out with friends a few times a year but certainly not abusively. That generally healthy pattern continued until my last year of college when I turned a little more towards the dark side with multiple days a week of serious binge drinking.
After college I moved, got a really good, high stress job in finance. I would go out for happy hour once a week and then may do some more serious drinking one day on the weekend. My drinking continued to slowly increase over subsequent years until I was having 4 or 5 drinks every other day. I was working hard (80 hours a week), playing hard (climbing mountains and running marathons), and drinking progressively more.
About 4 years ago I moved up to drinking at least 4 or 5 drinks a day with a few days a month of really getting plastered. 3 years ago I lost my job. Fortunately I have a lot of hobbies, my wife has a great job, and I had saved a substantial amount of money. I decided that it was a good time in life to take a break and do all of those things we all talk about doing but never get around to. Initially that happened. I was skiing, climbing, fishing, and traveling constantly. However the drinking remained. Perhaps a few beers with friends or perhaps a pint of whisky thrown in.
2 years ago it really started to get worse. I gradually started to lose interest in my hobbies in favor of drinking. Fortunately I was still somewhat active so week to month long periods would pass every few months in which I had no access to alcohol and therefore didn't drink. I felt pretty good during those times. But when I was home, I would drink something fierce. Often the equivalent of 16 drinks in a day, sometimes more if I didn't have anything to do. Soon I was feeling that if I didn't have a drink in my hand, panic. I quit cold turkey last September. I felt lost, anxious, nervous, and depressed all of which is not characteristic for me. So I started back one day for some reason.
I had planned a couple of big trips that required good health so I would sober up a week or two prior to get my body right, but then right back at it. For the last several months, with the exception of a few sobriety days, I have been drinking the equivalent of 20 drinks a day (a guess, but suffice to say a lot).
So about three weeks ago my right shoulder started to ache. I couldn't remember incurring any injuries so I decided to see if it got better. Of course drinking made it feel better, at least for a while. Well it didn't get better so I researched causes for right shoulder pain. There it stared at me, liver and gallbladder disease. I think they call this a moment of clarity. I read everything I could find on these diseases and I am honestly scared to death that my selfish idiocy has resulted in my own horrible early death. Realistically, it may not be anything, or it may just be the early stages of a compromised liver and totally reversible. But the fact is I needed this wake up call and to remember how stupid, terrified, worried, and depressed I feel right now. If I haven't shot my internal organs yet, I surely will eventually if I don't change paths.
Today I decided that enough is enough. I sat my wife down and told her everything, yes like most I was never honest with her about exactly how much I was drinking. I also set up a doctors appointment for later in the week and am contacting a therapist tomorrow. I am lucky, I have resources and health insurance. Makes me really feel for those who don't and are in my same situation.
Anyway, I found this website and realize from previous experiences that support is key. We live in a pretty rural area and AA meetings aren't really an option. So I am thankful that this place exists and hope that the experiences of others can help me and that mine can help them. That is if I haven't already drank myself to death.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 87
I'm new here today too, I also told my husband tonight, and like you, AA isn't really an option for me. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm wishing you the best! Post and read a lot here. Finding this place today has been exceedingly helpful.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
welcome humbled...... I'm sorry to hear of your pain, but glad you're using it as a wake-up call (we all have had them!). Sounds like you have lots of reasons to want to stay sober.
Great support here..... I pray things turn out OK at the doctors.....
Great support here..... I pray things turn out OK at the doctors.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 93
Thanks for the supportive words. I don't really have any desire to drink so far but I know that will change. This site is so useful and encouraging. I am thankful for it as the expected insomnia is upon me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 144
Thanks for sharing your story. Please keep us posted on how it goes at the doctor's, okay? I hope the news is good, and that the scare was helpful as you said -- as a wake-up call.
Let your doctor know about the insomnia, too. Not to give medical advice, but I have a non-addictive prescription for insomnia (can I say what it is?) which I very rarely need, but am glad to know is there.
Physical exercise and peace of mind help a lot with sleep, I think... That and boring movies at night!
Best of luck to you!!
Let your doctor know about the insomnia, too. Not to give medical advice, but I have a non-addictive prescription for insomnia (can I say what it is?) which I very rarely need, but am glad to know is there.
Physical exercise and peace of mind help a lot with sleep, I think... That and boring movies at night!
Best of luck to you!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 93
Well it's been 7 days and I haven't had a drink. The first few days do suck, always. A total feeling of loss and emptiness inside and out. Little sleep, less motivation. Day 3 is always the turn for me though. It's amazing how much better I feel after the alcohol finally exits the system. Chores are getting done. My wife told me that it was nice to have her husband back the other night. And on Saturday, my bro-in-law and I managed to climb and ski great snow on a 12,000ft peak in the morning, fish one of my favorite streams in the afternoon, and go see a film festival (sponsored by a beer company) in the evening. No way that would have happened when I was drinking, hell I wouldn't have been up until 10am, and then drunk by 8pm!
Of course it hasn't all been a walk in the park. I grabbed a cherry coke out of the garage fridge on day two, apparently I had filled it half with whiskey at some point, I nearly puked. My bro-in-law automatically ordered me a beer at lunch while I was in the restroom, so I had to stare at that while I ate. Finally I offered it back to him and he passed, so I gave it to a guy at the bar. No big deal, just told my bro-in-law that I was trying to get healthier. A couple of my good friends spotted my truck while we were skiing on Saturday, so they decided to break in knowing that I would have beer. I got there just as they realizing that it was dry. Even after the interrogation, I don't think they believed that I really didn't have any.
The idea to drink a beer does cross my mind, but if I immediately think about being drunk and all that comes with it, the idea seems repulsive.
I still have other of my life's messes to clean up, many of which I have avoided with the drinking. That is going to be an arduous task, but once I feel comfortable with my sobriety, I will worry about that. One thing at a time.
My blood tests came back and they couldn't have been better for me. My liver enzymes were high, indicating decreased liver function. Why is that good? Because the doctor thinks that it is reversible if I don't drink. So I have received the message that I was in fact killing myself, but if I keep on the bright path then I should be fine. A little extra motivation. Unfortunately, they still can't figure out what is wrong with my shoulder. It is extremely painful at times. My wife did recall an incident a few weeks ago where I jumped a snowmobile 20 feet off a ledge and landed on my shoulder/head area, of course I didn't remember because I was loaded. So perhaps that was it. I will continue working on repairing that little piece of stupidity.
Finding a therapist that is seeing new patients and works with my schedule is proving to be more difficult that I thought, but I should have that worked out by the end of tomorrow.
Finally, I want to say thanks to the SR community. I am not sure what it is about this site, I am not one to use forums much, but the ability to openly share, help others, and read what others are going through is so cathartic. This site is certainly one of the pieces I have needed. It is a twice a day ritual now. I truly thank all of you for being part of this community and wish you all the best of success in your quests.
Of course it hasn't all been a walk in the park. I grabbed a cherry coke out of the garage fridge on day two, apparently I had filled it half with whiskey at some point, I nearly puked. My bro-in-law automatically ordered me a beer at lunch while I was in the restroom, so I had to stare at that while I ate. Finally I offered it back to him and he passed, so I gave it to a guy at the bar. No big deal, just told my bro-in-law that I was trying to get healthier. A couple of my good friends spotted my truck while we were skiing on Saturday, so they decided to break in knowing that I would have beer. I got there just as they realizing that it was dry. Even after the interrogation, I don't think they believed that I really didn't have any.
The idea to drink a beer does cross my mind, but if I immediately think about being drunk and all that comes with it, the idea seems repulsive.
I still have other of my life's messes to clean up, many of which I have avoided with the drinking. That is going to be an arduous task, but once I feel comfortable with my sobriety, I will worry about that. One thing at a time.
My blood tests came back and they couldn't have been better for me. My liver enzymes were high, indicating decreased liver function. Why is that good? Because the doctor thinks that it is reversible if I don't drink. So I have received the message that I was in fact killing myself, but if I keep on the bright path then I should be fine. A little extra motivation. Unfortunately, they still can't figure out what is wrong with my shoulder. It is extremely painful at times. My wife did recall an incident a few weeks ago where I jumped a snowmobile 20 feet off a ledge and landed on my shoulder/head area, of course I didn't remember because I was loaded. So perhaps that was it. I will continue working on repairing that little piece of stupidity.
Finding a therapist that is seeing new patients and works with my schedule is proving to be more difficult that I thought, but I should have that worked out by the end of tomorrow.
Finally, I want to say thanks to the SR community. I am not sure what it is about this site, I am not one to use forums much, but the ability to openly share, help others, and read what others are going through is so cathartic. This site is certainly one of the pieces I have needed. It is a twice a day ritual now. I truly thank all of you for being part of this community and wish you all the best of success in your quests.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
What a great post! You've certainly had a full week and even managed a few brushes with alcohol. That's really awesome - you should feel really good. If I had jumped a snowmobile off a 20-foot ledge I would have had a lot worse than a painful shoulder....
I'm just glad your doc thinks you can heal.....
And I agree - there is something about this place.......
I just "happened" to find it when I was at my worse......... a real gift.
Keep going strong!
I'm just glad your doc thinks you can heal.....And I agree - there is something about this place.......
I just "happened" to find it when I was at my worse......... a real gift.Keep going strong!
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,948
It looks like you are very committed to living a life free from addiction. As an addition to all the things you are all ready doing...and it looks like you really having a good go at sobriety. SMART Recovery has some recovery tools and AA has the online Big Book.
It wont hurt to have a look at some very good recovery programs to add to what you are all ready doing. Anywho, thanks for sharing you journey, as it can be helpful to others...
myself included and keep going forward in your addiction treatment 
.
It wont hurt to have a look at some very good recovery programs to add to what you are all ready doing. Anywho, thanks for sharing you journey, as it can be helpful to others...
myself included and keep going forward in your addiction treatment .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 567
Welcome
This may help understand the physical side of the alcohol as it progresses.
Check with your doctor ofcourse, but for layman lingo, helps to understand the physical.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...al-alergy.html
All the Best
This may help understand the physical side of the alcohol as it progresses.
Check with your doctor ofcourse, but for layman lingo, helps to understand the physical.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...al-alergy.html
All the Best
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 93
In re-reading my post from earlier today, my lifestyle must seem ridiculously foreign to many of you. I certainly wasn't trying to boast, just share what is going on during my journey. I realize I live a very abnormal existence, but that is irrelevant to my alcoholism. Hell, I was an alcoholic in New York City as well.
What I find interesting is how similar I feel my alcoholic life and experiences are with many on this site. People from all over the world, in all kinds of different situations share so many similarities because of a common disease. I guess that is why this site helps. I know that several things in my life have to change to be successful, but at the same time I want to preserve as many of the positive things as I can. Like being outside, positive friends, and participating in life. Finding the balance is the crux.
Zencat- Thanks for the link! It looks at first glance like a wealth of information. I have failed at long term sobriety enough times now to realize that there is more to it than just not drinking. Therapy is my initial plan to deal with the mental aspect of my addiction, but I am leaving all options open and have been exploring the other available resources. If I fail at long term sobriety it won't be for lack of trying everything, I have promised that to myself.
Pete- Thanks for that read. I think it synchs up well with what I have observed in my own drinking patterns and how my body has reacted. I have had a decent understanding of the physical part for some time. It's the mental part I am focusing on more this time around. That part is far more ambiguous to me.
What I find interesting is how similar I feel my alcoholic life and experiences are with many on this site. People from all over the world, in all kinds of different situations share so many similarities because of a common disease. I guess that is why this site helps. I know that several things in my life have to change to be successful, but at the same time I want to preserve as many of the positive things as I can. Like being outside, positive friends, and participating in life. Finding the balance is the crux.
Zencat- Thanks for the link! It looks at first glance like a wealth of information. I have failed at long term sobriety enough times now to realize that there is more to it than just not drinking. Therapy is my initial plan to deal with the mental aspect of my addiction, but I am leaving all options open and have been exploring the other available resources. If I fail at long term sobriety it won't be for lack of trying everything, I have promised that to myself.
Pete- Thanks for that read. I think it synchs up well with what I have observed in my own drinking patterns and how my body has reacted. I have had a decent understanding of the physical part for some time. It's the mental part I am focusing on more this time around. That part is far more ambiguous to me.
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