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What did you do?

Old 04-25-2011, 07:37 PM
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What did you do?

susanlauren posed this question to me in another thread, which is now closed. I've debated whether or not to answer publicly, since I am not usually one to share, but I've decided to write this down.

"How did you recover John? What did you do?"
The answer to that question is not so much what I did, as it was an internal change in my own perception of my drinking. It was a long time coming, but my awakening to this new mindset was definitive when it did come, and I believe, instrumental.

I had been drinking daily for years, and it began to take a real toll on my mood and my personality. Alcohol began altering my core being, my way of looking at and relating to the world and to people.

I would drink, and bad things would happen. I would drink some more to forget the pain and guilt, and eventually, some more bad things would happen. I would say things to people that I would never, ever say when not under the influence. People that I cared about.

I am a fairly liberal person, not generally one to engage in absolutist moralizing, but I nevertheless had, before I started drinking to excess, a fascination with the philosophy of morality, such as in the writings of Nietzsche.

Somehow, it dawned on me one day, as I was writing down and going over all the "bad" things that I did, that there are certain acts which I will never commit, under any circumstances, because I consider them heinous and absolutely, unequivocally, wrong. Acts such as, for instance, raping a woman, hitting my mother, torturing animals, etc.

People don't usually ponder the morality of drinking these days, but as a result of this insight, I did just that. I pondered the question of whether or not the act itself of drinking alcohol was, for me, right or wrong, in the moral sense. I wondered where, on a scale of immorality, did my drinking rank? Low? High? Somewhere in the middle?

I could not be absolutely certain of what I would do once under the influence, and I had already commited acts under the influence for which I still grieved. I also knew, from countless experiences, that drinking even small amounts of alcohol would inevitably lead to more drinking, and eventually complete drunkenness, often to obscene levels.

I might have a keen sense of morality while sober, but how could I know, for sure, whether I would not commit some highly immoral act once under the influence, after alcohol disabled my moral judgement?

Since I could not predict what I might do once my moral judgement was disabled, I concluded that, for me, the act of drinking, was profoundly immoral conduct. I do not mean the consequences that might come from the drinking, since I could not predict those consequences with certainty, but the drinking, in and of itself.

I realized that to set myself loose upon my fellow human beings, upon society, in such a state, with my moral judgement disabled, would be a crime against humanity, a crime against society, and a crime against my family.

With this new mindset, I stopped worrying about or even caring about all the conventional wisdom, such as hidden causes of addiction, triggers, warning signs of relapse, meeting attendance, coping strategies, one day at a time, nobody can do it alone, most people won't make it, relapse is a part of recovery, post acute withdrawal, stages of recovery, pink clouds, etc.

ALL OF IT WENT RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW.

With this inner change in my thinking, I came to know the difference between right and wrong, as it pertained to my drinking, and I knew that I would never drink again.

For a while after quitting, I had cravings every so often, but I was able to instantly recognize them as completely foreign to me, as utterly repugnant, much as I would recognize the idea of microwaving a cat as foreign to me, and the cravings would quickly fade.

In a short time, I stopped obsessing over how awful it would be to never drink again, or over when the next time I might get to explode into drunkenness would be. Not drinking alcohol just became part of who I am as a person.

FrothyJay posted this once in the 12-Step forum. He may have had something else in mind when he wrote this, but the end result that he describes nevertheless sounds very similar to what I experienced.

Originally Posted by FrothyJay View Post
....I had embarked on something special, and the idea of getting sick again was completely unattractive to me. This is going to sound odd, but here it is: It mattered that I would know I got drunk.

My first step took on razor sharp focus. I suddenly felt that I knew the difference between right and wrong, and true and false, as it related to my alcoholism. I was restored to some degree of sanity.
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Old 04-25-2011, 08:04 PM
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Thank you for having the courage to share your journey, John. I appreciate being able to understand you better. It sounds as if you had the humanist version of a rebirth or an awakening. I don't know if you would use those same words to describe your experience, but nevertheless, it has resulted in a profound change in your thinking and consequently in your actions. Certainly you have ended up in a far better place as compared to where you were before when you were drinking. I am glad that you have found a path that works for you and brings you peace. Susan
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Old 04-25-2011, 08:10 PM
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Really cool stuff, JB. Thanks for taking the time, man.
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Old 04-25-2011, 08:17 PM
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Everyone's spirits are so different, we all follow a different path -but all have the same intention. Thank You for sharing your experience.
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Old 04-25-2011, 08:28 PM
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I was never able to achieve the self-awareness you describe on my own. I suspect you developed some abilities early in life-- self-analysis, etc.-- that are unique. And your interest in philosophy and existentialism probably provided some critical context.

For me, I saw what was immoral about me putting alcohol in my body-- I could hurt someone driving, I could insult or degrade a woman, I could not be there for the people who count on me. I knew all these things. But I kept doing it.

I think people in recovery can wind up in similar places by different routes, but I believe humility, humanism and willingness are common themes in most recovery stories.
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Old 04-25-2011, 08:40 PM
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John..there is alot in this post I can relate to ..but this..
I had been drinking daily for years, and it began to take a real toll on my mood and my personality. Alcohol began altering my core being, my way of looking at and relating to the world and to people.

This is it. I was no longer in my own body. Meaning my spirit was shot to hell..pictures that I look at..I have this faraway gaze all the time. Even "sober" pictures because I may have not been drinking at some of the events but if I wasn't drinking I was hungover..I didn't care any more. Not for other people..not even for myself other than always thinking about the next time I could drink. This went on for at least 5 yrs before it dawned on me how SICK I was. And that I did have a choice..I am approaching my seventh month of sobriety and since I took a hard core look..and got angry at the stupid ways people were dying (alcohol related) or hurting themselves (DUI..car wrecks) only when I put it all together did I lose my desire to drink. It is not like catastrophic things didn't happen before..but there were just so many in 2010. I have not had a struggle..and I was pounding drinks daily. 30 plus years of drinking..but now-I am grateful to be sober. It is a very scary addiction because I didn't realize how sick I was until I was so far gone. Thanks for the post.
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Old 04-25-2011, 09:11 PM
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That's a very interesting insight, John. A similar dramatic shift in mindset is what made it suddenly so easy to quit smoking a few years back after nearly a decade of painful failed attempts. For me, it wasn't a moral issue and it was the direct result of reading Alan Carr's The Easy Way, but the shift in mindset is what did it. It was sudden and absolute.

Until I read your post, I hadn't considered thinking about quitting drinking the same way. Thank you so much for stepping outside your norm and posting about your experience.
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Old 04-25-2011, 09:42 PM
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Thanks for the great post JBC! I really never looked at it as a morality issue for me, but in hindsite I finally understood it was a maturity issue which after further inspection was a morality issue. I knew drinking was wrong for me at that point, and any other mistakes I would make in my life due to drinking could no longer be blamed on the bottle, they were going to be blamed directly on me.

When that final realization came to me and I internalized it, drinking no longer became an option. The actions that I take daily for my personal program are not to keep me sober, but to keep me growing as a person and keep me content in a sober life.

Thank you again for the post!
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Old 04-25-2011, 09:49 PM
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Great post, John!!!! It reminds me of a quote I like:
"Every decision you make - every decision - is not a decision about what to do. It's a decision about Who You Are. When you see this, when you understand it, everything changes. You begin to see life in a new way. All events, occurrences, and situations turn into opportunities to do what you came here to do."
~Neale Donald Walsch~
As long as we don't pick up that drink, we have the opportunity to be fully engaged in life, to learn to be stronger, wiser, and more loving. Thanks for putting it all so beautifully!!!!!
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Old 04-25-2011, 10:34 PM
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Thanks for that post John: it is an amazing take on sobriety I haven't heard before, but I also have had thoughts in that direction.
I'm a drunk who didn't have consequences on the disastrous scale. I would trip in my rose bed and hurt myself, cut myself with knives cooking drunk, fall off my bike drunk, that sort of thing. I have a collection of physical injuries all related to alcohol, including a couple of broken toe bones. I didn't lose my marriage, house or car or job.

The way I drank was so insidious. I can really relate to the line in your post that MsCooterbrown quoted: how drinking affected your essential being.

And I can really relate to the morality issue because I too felt that drinking itself was a selfish act. Not all the stupid stuff I did once I was drunk....just the act of taking that drink. It was all for me and the impulse behind it was selfish to the core.
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Old 04-25-2011, 11:06 PM
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Originally Posted by MsCooterBrown View Post
John..there is alot in this post I can relate to ..but this..
I had been drinking daily for years, and it began to take a real toll on my mood and my personality. Alcohol began altering my core being, my way of looking at and relating to the world and to people.

This is it. I was no longer in my own body. Meaning my spirit was shot to hell..pictures that I look at..I have this faraway gaze all the time. Even "sober" pictures because I may have not been drinking at some of the events but if I wasn't drinking I was hungover..I didn't care any more. Not for other people..not even for myself other than always thinking about the next time I could drink. This went on for at least 5 yrs before it dawned on me how SICK I was.
It wasn't always that way for me, and I don't recall precisely when it started to happen, but I started having serious personality distortions. Almost Jekyll and Hyde, like they say.

Even "sober" I was different, completely on edge, or hung over, a seething ball or rage sometimes, which only more drinking would temporarily alleviate, and then exasperate.

If I had to be somewhere and not drink I would be counting the minutes until I could get back to it. It wasn't long after that before morning drinking kicked in, and then all day drinking, and then just more sickness than not.

Suicide did cross my mind several times by the end. I think the only thing that kept me from actually doing it was the thought of what my mother would go through.

I don't have such thoughts these days.
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Old 04-25-2011, 11:36 PM
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Thanks John, these thoughts will follow me around today and surely further strengthen my sobriety!
MSCooterBrown - thanks for mentioning the eye-thing! I have noticed that and had a friend comment on it, too. We were looking at an old video (oooh, how young we were, how tight our little faces) and this friend said: Yeah vee, you have gained some weight, but, your eyes have got the sparkle back. It's true, I was feeling very numb and somehow dead inside. With the eyes being the window to our souls it is no surprise that mine weren't sparkling!

Vee
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Old 04-26-2011, 12:25 AM
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Wow JB...that is one of the most amazing stories I have read here....thank you for sharing.

I quit because it made me sick and I lost the willpower to make myself sick anymore. But I intend to use your experience to stay quit.

Thank you!
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Old 04-26-2011, 12:35 AM
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Thank you, that was utterly amazing. I never thought of it that way but, yes, when I drink and am drunk I am totally not the same person and I too have thought "oh my God, I could have even murdered someone and not remembered it". Many times I have shared this is meetings that if police came to my door telling of some horror that I had committed in blackout what would I do!!! Too horrific to even consider. I have had many, many blackouts where I can't remember whole evenings, what I said, what I did, who was there etc. I guess that is why some religions do not allow the drinking of alcohol because it is like the devil entering into our bodies and overtaking our minds and spirit into something/someone we are not. I also believe alcohol is a very powerful, addictive drug and many people are addicted to it even though they do not realise it. I also believe that Governments realise this and purposefully and actively condone it to keep the masses under control - if you look at advertising, alcohol is everywhere. Even in supermarkets it is at the beginning and end of every isle, quite unlike when I was a child growing up, alcohol was there but in selected places where underage could not get it or even see it. Having said all of this I cannot change the world, only myself and can only tell you the utterly amazing difference to me from my drunk self and my now sober self. The insanity of alcoholism is that I even consider, for one fleeting second, that I would ever want that hell back again and swap for the peace, serenity, clarity of mind and thought, as well as my health back is total insanity. Thanks
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Old 04-26-2011, 01:16 AM
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Top, top post. Excellent way to look at things - and so true.

Thank you.

Stu,
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Old 04-26-2011, 05:27 AM
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Thanks John for a very insightful post. I like the way you think (that might be bad for you, lol) and always enjoy reading your posts.
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Old 04-26-2011, 05:58 AM
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That was really powerful, thank you! I had a similar experience in some ways. The sense of clarity.
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Old 04-26-2011, 06:02 AM
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Wow, this is absolutely brilliant. Thanks so much for posting.
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Old 04-26-2011, 06:17 AM
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Thank you for this post, I identify with a lot of your self analysis. Great share, John!!
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Old 04-26-2011, 07:20 AM
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Thank you for the great example of how to get and stay sober.
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