sofacat

Hi all....

Been underground for awhile. Doing well actually, had to step away for a bit. Have LOTS of productive things going on, and pleased to say I have been doing well.
Minding MY OWN P's and Q's...and just enjoying being "Me" for a change. It's been nice......

HOWEVER...

I heard from a family member yesterday who was venting to me about my mother and her drinking...YES, my mother is an alcoholic....

Ready for this???

I guess my mother was confronted by someone in the family about her drinking awhile back, and in TRUE ADDICT fashion...she diverted....
AND SHE DIVERTED TOWARDS ME!!!! She apparently started a family rumor that I AM AN ALCOHOLIC!!!!!!!!

WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!

Is she kidding me with this? I guess she figured that she could take the heat off of herself and dump it onto me. But I don't even DRINK!!! I guess she figured since I lived with an addict for so long, that everyone might believe her. Have any of you experienced this kind of twistaroo before?
Because this is NEW TO ME!

Have spent an entire lifetime trying to get away from all this chaos, FINALLY have the tools to do so...
and I hear THIS??? How is god's name do I handle this?

Now, I don't give a flip about what she is thinking at the moment...but my nieces and nephews were even dragged into that rumor...and some BELIEVED her! She is their Grandmother, after all.

WTH????????????

I keep repeating to myself "What other people think of me is NONE of my business." But THIS is not good.
And it's bugging me. And I don't know what to do. This is my family...and I am very hurt by this...trying to sort out why.

I need some help here....I'm in the RED ZONE

EJG123

Don't worry about it. If you don't drink, it would be obvious to anyone who knows you.

sofacat

Yeah, yeah...
I get it...but the KIDS were involved in this, and THAT breaks my heart.

THE KIDS!!!

It bugs me! And it's hurtful. Now I know MrSofa played the old twistaroo game with me, and I shouldn't expect anything different from an alcoholic...even if she happens to be my mother. I know she is sick, and I KNOW probably riddled with guilt over what she has done...

Yada yada yada....I just hate knowing that my nieces and nephews were brought into it. I love those kids, and we are so very close.

Of course, they never see me drink...and have never seen me drunk...

I'm just trying to figure out WHY this is bugging me so very much.

What's that codie girl got hiding in her mental closet that's making her so peeved?

Ya' know??

Eddiebuckle

Wow. That's brutal - but clearly your mother was threatened by the confrontation. It has nothing to do with you, really. And if your relative was venting about that situation, clearly she didn't think it was true or she wouldn't have shared it with you.

Don't get me wrong, that would deinitely get under my skin. But unless you want to stir the pot and give this mess a new lease on life, leave it alone.

Abundance

I feel ya - when my xabf relapsed and was using again - he said that he found a needle in my van and threw it around telling me that he really thought I was in denial and was the one using. Or how the truth came out about what he told all his friends about me.. WOW... couldn't be further from the truth... it just sucks - huh?

And w/kids being involved - now that does suck - but they are kids - and all dark comes to light - and the truth will set you free!

(((hugs))))

sofacat

Eddiebuckle- "unless you want to stir the pot and give this mess a new lease on life, leave it alone. "

You're too right. I just needed a safe place to vent this...and some feedback from my peers...and friends.

Seren

((((sofacat)))) I do understand that anger......but perhaps I can give you a different perspective. My RAS (sister) seems to believe that our mother was an alcoholic. Well, I've never seen my mother completely out of control, I've never seen her drink more than 1/2 to 1 glass of wine. I have no memories from my childhood of being neglected, abused, screamed at by a drunken and out of control mother. My sister and I are 2 year apart in age, I'm the youngest.

My sister's reality is not mine, and in fact, I think she's wrong. I have never told my mother this because I believe it would break her heart. When my sister brings it up, I try to change the subject. She is allowed to have her perspective, and I have mine. Besides, anything I say wouldn't be believed anyway.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, anyone who tells me that my mother is an alcoholic when I have no direct evidence of it won't be believed by me. So.....I imagine the rest of your family--the ones who truly know you--won't believe what your mother says anyway.

Hugs and prayers, HG

coffeedrinker

oh, sofa!!

first of all, SO GOOD to hear from you...i have thought of you OFTEN (i too am on s/r a lot less these days of non-crisis!)

ooohh....burnin for ya.

i think that we are living testaments: if we are living a life of (relative) peace, serenity, and we live out that life with integrity,
THAT is what shines through.

kiddos - yep, they are precious and vulnerable. but, one thing for sure is true: those of them who grow up and wish to live in the light, will do so, and will see the truth. about you, about their grandmother, and the b^llsh!t.

why oh why are we humans so reactive? it has caused me more trouble than i'm willing to admit.

trying to figure out what the gigantic reaction is all about?
not sure.
but...
i know that for me, when someone said maybe i had a budding problem (also my mother, i believe) with alcohol, i was pretty upset. this voice that i was ashamed of, so i made sure it stayed very quiet, in the very back of my mind, said,
"i'm not one of you"

time, the healer and revealer, will be your friend on this.
also, it is a reminder of the boundaries you need between your mother and yourself, right?

Kindeyes

It's one of those things where if "the lady doth protest too much", you appear guilty. If you say nothing, it just chaps your hide and gets under your skin.....if you let it. I think rumors gain momentum when we get angry about it. The rumor starter gets a strange satisfaction knowing that they have caused distress to someone else.

For me......I'd go to a kickboxing class......kick the living daylights out of the bag and call it good. But I know.....sometimes easier said than done.

Good that you're getting your anger out in the open and dealing with it though....and this is a safe place to do that.

gentle hugs
ke

sofacat

Hi guys! Hi Coffee...I think about you too!! Are you still dating that fella? The one with the guitar?? Did I remember that right??

I had to take a break for awhile. I've been single now for almost a year and a half...and had to get off the computer and get back out there! Had to try out my training wheels...see how much I have learned through all of this.

Went on 2 dates recently...and I am PROUD to say that I can actually SEE all those red flags now! I SAW them, acknowledged them and moved on, whereas before I may have made excuses for them and continued to date them. So all this discovery "stuff" really does work! Who knew?

I can't remember who said on here "Red flags are not to be collected as party favors." Haha! Was it YOU Coffee?? But it's my favorite thing, and I tend to repeat that to other women I know. They love it as much as I do.

Anyway...

So.... YAY me!

As for my mom....Well I just got so angry. I took my dog for a long walk and talked it out with myself...but I knew that I was stewing about it still today, so I came here to talk to you guys. Another breakthrough...asking for help when I need it.

Kindeyes- Yes...I do agree. It's the "tell"... someone overreacting=guilty. ONE of the million ways in which I could tell MrSofa was lying.

I just wasn't sure if I should hold her accountable for her actions or not. I still get a little confused on that one.

If I let it "slide" am I enabling??
If I don't stand up for myself am I being Codependent?

on the other hand.... "What other people think of me is none of my business."
So there's that.

It's walking that fine line that I get unsure of. But you all seem to be aligned and make perfect sense. And I am grateful.

fourmaggie

continue to live your own life to the best of your ability. the TRUTH shall set you free.


I totally agree to this statement and also one more thing...LET GO and LET GOD..

*dont worry about everyones actons because its theirs*