In a mess and can't accept aa
Wombling Free
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Thailand
Posts: 60
In a mess and can't accept aa
Hi all.
I have been "out" for 5 months now, have not looked at this forum since then coz I could control my alcohol intake!!! Everything started out well, just a few drinks every night, I could stop after 4, but I still had to drink every day, and now its out of control again. I can't accept a HP, my last 2 months in aa I was drinking and lying about it.
This is how I feel:..and I wrote this to myself a week or so ago
You think you can handle it but you can't. You try to deal with it and fail. Then you pretend it does not really matter. All the while you are pretending you don't have a problem and all those people in aa are crazy sob's ranting on about an HP that you have tried looking for but just can't find, while you are thinking this your consumption is starting to increase. You feel like **** but as you start drinking you feel better, you think you are in control, but you ain't, you are being controlled by this disease. In the morning you have no craving and no hangover as you stopped early...you can't possibly be an alcoholic...can you? But by 1pm although you said this morning you would not drink today, you start to think about drinking., but don't..by 3pm you want to drink, but you put it off by playing games on the computer or having a nap, but by 4pm it's on you and the first beer is in your hand...but that can't hurt can it? doctors say you should NOT drink at all , ahhh what do they know, you feel fine now you have a beer. So you drink for just 4 hours, normally alone, whats wrong with that? You only drink for just under 1 day out of seven in total, that can't be alcoholic drinking, you are NOT an alcoholic are you?
This is the trap I am stuck in. I made 6 months about 18 months ago, then it was hit and miss, in and out.
I just cannot believe that the 12 steps can be my redemption, where I come from aa is sick, I don't wanna elaborate ,but it is sick with some very sick people .....just can't accept it. Thought about checking myself in for detox, I did that a year ago and it worked for 3 months, maybe thats the kickstart I need as I just cannot bring myself to humble myself so much as to walk back through those doors again, even though my life may well depend on it.
I have mild hypertension, diebetis, poor liver function, high blood pressure, to name just a few things I suffer from....I smoke 40 ciggs a day, and the local docs won't give me anymore morphine or valium for various ailments I suffer from as they now belive I am addicted to them.
Things are not good, thank you for reading, I'm not really expecting any replies, I just wanted to write this down...it does me good!!
Womble
I have been "out" for 5 months now, have not looked at this forum since then coz I could control my alcohol intake!!! Everything started out well, just a few drinks every night, I could stop after 4, but I still had to drink every day, and now its out of control again. I can't accept a HP, my last 2 months in aa I was drinking and lying about it.
This is how I feel:..and I wrote this to myself a week or so ago
You think you can handle it but you can't. You try to deal with it and fail. Then you pretend it does not really matter. All the while you are pretending you don't have a problem and all those people in aa are crazy sob's ranting on about an HP that you have tried looking for but just can't find, while you are thinking this your consumption is starting to increase. You feel like **** but as you start drinking you feel better, you think you are in control, but you ain't, you are being controlled by this disease. In the morning you have no craving and no hangover as you stopped early...you can't possibly be an alcoholic...can you? But by 1pm although you said this morning you would not drink today, you start to think about drinking., but don't..by 3pm you want to drink, but you put it off by playing games on the computer or having a nap, but by 4pm it's on you and the first beer is in your hand...but that can't hurt can it? doctors say you should NOT drink at all , ahhh what do they know, you feel fine now you have a beer. So you drink for just 4 hours, normally alone, whats wrong with that? You only drink for just under 1 day out of seven in total, that can't be alcoholic drinking, you are NOT an alcoholic are you?
This is the trap I am stuck in. I made 6 months about 18 months ago, then it was hit and miss, in and out.
I just cannot believe that the 12 steps can be my redemption, where I come from aa is sick, I don't wanna elaborate ,but it is sick with some very sick people .....just can't accept it. Thought about checking myself in for detox, I did that a year ago and it worked for 3 months, maybe thats the kickstart I need as I just cannot bring myself to humble myself so much as to walk back through those doors again, even though my life may well depend on it.
I have mild hypertension, diebetis, poor liver function, high blood pressure, to name just a few things I suffer from....I smoke 40 ciggs a day, and the local docs won't give me anymore morphine or valium for various ailments I suffer from as they now belive I am addicted to them.
Things are not good, thank you for reading, I'm not really expecting any replies, I just wanted to write this down...it does me good!!
Womble
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Hi and Welcome back!
You don't need to use AA in order to recovery. Yes, it works for many, but there are plenty of us here who recover using different methods. Take a look around the boards and read and you will see many of us have different programs, but we all are working towards the same goal of recovering.
For me, I did need to connect spiritually and believe that there was a purpose for me to be on this earth at this time. That enabled me to accept myself and my many failures and also to see my strengths. I think this is hugely important.
What other changes did you make in your life when you stopped drinking?
You don't need to use AA in order to recovery. Yes, it works for many, but there are plenty of us here who recover using different methods. Take a look around the boards and read and you will see many of us have different programs, but we all are working towards the same goal of recovering.
For me, I did need to connect spiritually and believe that there was a purpose for me to be on this earth at this time. That enabled me to accept myself and my many failures and also to see my strengths. I think this is hugely important.
What other changes did you make in your life when you stopped drinking?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
All detox does is get the alcohol out of your system. After that, you are still flapping in the breeze out there with alcohol everywhere you turn and no support. Do you want to recover from alcoholism or not? If you want it badly enough, there is nothing you won't do to get it.
AA doesn't shoot their wounded, but if saving face means more to you than does recovery, then maybe you just aren't ready yet.
AA doesn't shoot their wounded, but if saving face means more to you than does recovery, then maybe you just aren't ready yet.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi womble!
I have 9+ months sober with using SR, talking to a life coach (like a therapist) and working hard on myself in every way shape or form. I've never felt better and I don't miss alcohol at all. There are plenty of alternative to AA.
I have 9+ months sober with using SR, talking to a life coach (like a therapist) and working hard on myself in every way shape or form. I've never felt better and I don't miss alcohol at all. There are plenty of alternative to AA.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 1,061
I haven't used AA but have relied on Sober Recovery, friends and family and have 70+ days without alcohol. It has been difficult at times but you can do it. You need to commit and work on it every minute of every day. Good Luck, I know you can do it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi Womble
Sorry to hear of your troubles, but welcome back
If AA's not for you, for whatever reason, find something else.
I haven't used AA either and I'm over 4 years sober.
For me it came down to accepting I cannot drink, looking at the reasons why I started to drink in the first place, and finding support that worked for me.
I find if I put as much effort into my recovery as I did my drinking, I'm more than ok
Have you looked at any other recovery groups like SMART?
D
Sorry to hear of your troubles, but welcome back
If AA's not for you, for whatever reason, find something else.
I haven't used AA either and I'm over 4 years sober.
For me it came down to accepting I cannot drink, looking at the reasons why I started to drink in the first place, and finding support that worked for me.
I find if I put as much effort into my recovery as I did my drinking, I'm more than ok
Have you looked at any other recovery groups like SMART?
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
There is a lot of programs out their for recovery. AA is just the most popular one because it was the first. You can look into S.M.A.R.T. or SOS or even rehab which most are AA base program. Just to remember that every program have a very small success rate. Your best bet for recovery is to do your research on all the programs and see which one you feel like it will work for you.
Don't feel like you have to use one type of program because everyone is using it. Remember it's your recovery and you will know what works for you.
Good Luck.
Don't feel like you have to use one type of program because everyone is using it. Remember it's your recovery and you will know what works for you.
Good Luck.
Wombling Free
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Thailand
Posts: 60
Thanks for the replies guys.
I really DO want sobiety, detox will just flood my system with more drugs, and as said I will still be back "out there" surrounded by temptation.
I never really knew there were other ways to recover, so I will start researching them, but this forum will be very useful right now
Thanks again
I really DO want sobiety, detox will just flood my system with more drugs, and as said I will still be back "out there" surrounded by temptation.
I never really knew there were other ways to recover, so I will start researching them, but this forum will be very useful right now
Thanks again
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Welcome! Sorry you are going through a tough spot right now. One thing that has helped me is to look at what your higher power is now -- ALCOHOL! i.
Alcohol was my higher power for YEARS. Understanding this was vital for me being willing to look for one in my life. For me, I couldn't understand how a higher power just "pops" in my life and makes everything better. I said many times that I wished I had an HP like others but I simply didn't. After a few weeks of sobriety and going to meetings I started looking at my relationship with alcohol and it became so clear to me that booze was my higher power. So, it made sense to me that since I already had a HP in my life at the time, why couldn't get another HP??? My first HP was just the (Group of Drunks). It then evolved to whatever it was that gave us AA. Now it's a little different - like everything else in recovery it changes as I change. When I drink, I never change for the better. Growth and alcoholism just don't go together very well.
I was drinking to feel "apart of". In many ways it gave me what the promises of AA say, ability to handle any situations, not being fearful, etc... All were given to me when I drank. ----- for about 1 hour. After that hour was up, the real misery set in. The alergey was triggered and my drinking was no longer in my control.
I love AA but that doesn't mean you will. If you are truly that un-happy with it then I would look for something else. As you know, the primary purpose of AA is to help people recovery from alcoholism. The purpose of AA is not to be right. It's just there for people who want it. Again, if it's not working for you then give something else a shot.
It doesn't sound like alcohol is working very well for you, it certainly wasn't working well for me. But as the saying goes, "Nothing changes, unless something changes". I would make a decision on a recovery plan as fast as you can. To me, recovery plans are similar to diets, all of them work if you follow directions. That's the tough part, following the directions.
Best of luck to you. Just thought I'd share my two cents.
Alcohol was my higher power for YEARS. Understanding this was vital for me being willing to look for one in my life. For me, I couldn't understand how a higher power just "pops" in my life and makes everything better. I said many times that I wished I had an HP like others but I simply didn't. After a few weeks of sobriety and going to meetings I started looking at my relationship with alcohol and it became so clear to me that booze was my higher power. So, it made sense to me that since I already had a HP in my life at the time, why couldn't get another HP??? My first HP was just the (Group of Drunks). It then evolved to whatever it was that gave us AA. Now it's a little different - like everything else in recovery it changes as I change. When I drink, I never change for the better. Growth and alcoholism just don't go together very well.
I was drinking to feel "apart of". In many ways it gave me what the promises of AA say, ability to handle any situations, not being fearful, etc... All were given to me when I drank. ----- for about 1 hour. After that hour was up, the real misery set in. The alergey was triggered and my drinking was no longer in my control.
I love AA but that doesn't mean you will. If you are truly that un-happy with it then I would look for something else. As you know, the primary purpose of AA is to help people recovery from alcoholism. The purpose of AA is not to be right. It's just there for people who want it. Again, if it's not working for you then give something else a shot.
It doesn't sound like alcohol is working very well for you, it certainly wasn't working well for me. But as the saying goes, "Nothing changes, unless something changes". I would make a decision on a recovery plan as fast as you can. To me, recovery plans are similar to diets, all of them work if you follow directions. That's the tough part, following the directions.
Best of luck to you. Just thought I'd share my two cents.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 581
Look around for what works for you-- there are obviously other options.
As for AA, your reaction is common, but it's not because AA doesn't work. It's because what is peddled under the AA banner in AA meetings for the most part is not the program of AA. It's a pep-rally for abstinence, and the great irony is that it fails miserably for the chronic alcoholic.
As for AA, your reaction is common, but it's not because AA doesn't work. It's because what is peddled under the AA banner in AA meetings for the most part is not the program of AA. It's a pep-rally for abstinence, and the great irony is that it fails miserably for the chronic alcoholic.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,940
Alcohol was certainly running my life. Indeed feeling powerless as alcohol controlled my life's direction...sucked. As long as I kept drinking I was out of control. Having an addiction treatment plan took back the control from alcohol and put it back into my hands. Now with a comprehensive addiction treatment plan I am in a position to direct where my life is going. True, I can point where I want to go life but, I have learned to be flexible as life can put up some road blocks that I can learn how to navigate around.
Have a look around at the different recovery treatments. No one program is better than the another. They maybe different in the way one finds lasting sobriety, but they all will get you there all the same. It just might take some close extermination of the different programs to find what best suites your recovery needs.
Have a look around at the different recovery treatments. No one program is better than the another. They maybe different in the way one finds lasting sobriety, but they all will get you there all the same. It just might take some close extermination of the different programs to find what best suites your recovery needs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
One thing I find helpful (about AA) is having other people to talk to -at any time. I've only been to about 3 or 4 times because it coincided with my rehab but the very first time I went I was given a few supportive numbers and told if I needed a meeting while hitting rehab -just call. They would jump in the truck and take me. That was comforting since I was in this alone.
You don't have to be sober to go, you don't have to accept their 'policies' but they are there for you when others don't know the secret handshake.
You don't have to be sober to go, you don't have to accept their 'policies' but they are there for you when others don't know the secret handshake.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 274
Hi Womble,
I hope you look into some of the other recovery plans. Recovery takes time it isn't like alcohol which gives you a quick escape, it has to happen in it's own time. Find a program for you and throw yourself into it, put it first before anything else, just like we used to do with our drinking.
Stay focused and never ever give up.
I hope you look into some of the other recovery plans. Recovery takes time it isn't like alcohol which gives you a quick escape, it has to happen in it's own time. Find a program for you and throw yourself into it, put it first before anything else, just like we used to do with our drinking.
Stay focused and never ever give up.
Wombling Free
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Thailand
Posts: 60
Thanks again, I have spent the morning researching and have found another programme that may work for me.
I searched for a Higher Power for a long time, then I was befreinded by one of the old timers in the group who used to invite me for luch a lot. I thought he was a great guy, but then ,when he thought I wa just vulnerable enough he came to my house and tried to convert me to the JW way....that was it, my sobriety flew out of the window within a few weeks as he dumped me when I refused to sign up, as did others he had converted.
I'm not for one minute saying that all aa'ers are bad, I still have some very good freinds in the fellowship, its just not for me anymore, some people can shed stuff like that like water off a duck's back, I'm just too darn sensative and took it as a personal affront to my intelligence. AA works for many, there can be no doubt, but the group I was in is in complete chaos now, I can never go back so i have to move forward with other ideas, and using this forum will help I'm sure , especially when the cravings hit, I have to be HERE not out THERE, so its 6 hours till the cravings begin, but I am somwhat perversley looking forward to fining out how I will cope
Thanks everyone for sharing....it helps no end
I searched for a Higher Power for a long time, then I was befreinded by one of the old timers in the group who used to invite me for luch a lot. I thought he was a great guy, but then ,when he thought I wa just vulnerable enough he came to my house and tried to convert me to the JW way....that was it, my sobriety flew out of the window within a few weeks as he dumped me when I refused to sign up, as did others he had converted.
I'm not for one minute saying that all aa'ers are bad, I still have some very good freinds in the fellowship, its just not for me anymore, some people can shed stuff like that like water off a duck's back, I'm just too darn sensative and took it as a personal affront to my intelligence. AA works for many, there can be no doubt, but the group I was in is in complete chaos now, I can never go back so i have to move forward with other ideas, and using this forum will help I'm sure , especially when the cravings hit, I have to be HERE not out THERE, so its 6 hours till the cravings begin, but I am somwhat perversley looking forward to fining out how I will cope
Thanks everyone for sharing....it helps no end
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back.....
Any member of AA who tries to convert a person to JW
is not following the AA program.
I do hope you find your way into recovery
no it does not have to be AA.
Any member of AA who tries to convert a person to JW
is not following the AA program.
I do hope you find your way into recovery
no it does not have to be AA.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 567
May I suggest, keep your "Big Book" of AA, look for the key lines in "The Doctors Opinion", that way there is some foundation about the physical aspect of this condition, and the rest, let your concious be your guide.
Alcohol does not discrminate.
Alcohol does not discrminate.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,841
I'm going on 2 years happily sober without any formal "program". My Dad got sober with AA in 1983, then left the program after about 5 years, he's now 28 years sober. Lots of options out there, I hope you find one that works for you.
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