Lots of difficulty accepting that I'm alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 65
Lots of difficulty accepting that I'm alcoholic
Hi Everyone, First post...really glad that I have discovered this forum, I have been reading a lot if all day today.
I am 24 years old, have been drinking since I was 15. I've always felt very uncomfortable in my own skin, and drinking helped me feel like the confident, self-assured, and funny person that I know I am but am always too damn nervous/uncomfortable to express. I started drinking in high school and it quickly became what my social life revolved around. Got to the weekend, got drunk, it was lots of fun. Got to college in New Orleans, and without the check of living under my parents' roof anymore, I went full out. Was getting hardcore drunk on more nights than not, but somehow still managing to make all of my classes. That first year of college was magical, just getting so drunk, finding new friends, feeling good about myself. But as college progressed, it got harder and harder to feel good while drinking. It was hit or miss, sometimes I would feel good and other times the alcohol would just exacerbate the anxiety and depression I carried around with me most of the time. I drank to fit in, because I felt like me, by myself was not good enough. I had to be drunk to be funny and relaxed.
After college, took a year off and worked, drank every weekend. I was going through a messy relationship/breakup at the time, and drinking would help me gloss over the feelings of pain and abandonment I was feeling at the time, but it was at this point that I think drinking really started to become problematic for me. I would frequently get drunk and drive home, and then feel really ashamed about it the next day, and then I just stopped feeling ashamed about it, telling myself that I was actually a better driver drunk than sober, more assertive. I thought that life was about being happy all the time, always being the life of the party and searching for the next good time. I spent most of my time this year a miserable mess of confused emotions and quiet desperation, missing my ex girlfriend but not knowing how to express these feelings.
I went to law school after a year, not really sure that I wanted to be a lawyer, but just kind of going with the flow. I don't really know what my passions are and I guess I just kind of feel like I should be happy with whatever I get in life because I'm not really special or worth much. The drinking got worse in law school. I would binge at least one or two nights a week, usually unable to control how much I would take once I started. This is where my conception of being powerless comes in, because I was never a daily drinker, but once I started it was really tough for me to control how much I would take. What is confusing me now is that there were times when I could just have a beer or two, so my mind is telling me that I'm not really an alcoholic. But like I said, there were also plenty of times when I couldnt' stop drinking once I started.
At one point during that first year of law school, I tried to go without drinking for a month and keep a journal of my experiences. I made it one week before I got really drunk, and that was the end of the experiment. I felt so lonely and out of place in law school, trying to fit in with the popular crowd instead of just hanging out with people I felt comfortable with and focusing on my classes, many of which I found very enjoyable. By the end of the second semester, my anxiety had reached levels I had never felt before, my nights were spent getting drunk, days were spent feeling alone, stressed, and scared. I walked out in the middle of my first final because I just couldn't concentratre at all on what the test was asking me to do, and I dropped out of law school right there. I didn't ask for more time or help, I jsut made a rash decision and threw away a scholarship to a top tier law school on the spot, no consultation with my parents or anything. Insane, no?
got home to Baltimore and was fortunate to get my job back as an interpreter ( I speak Spanish) at a hospital. At first this made me feel happy, like okay, even though I dropped out of law school it's fine, everything is working out for me like it always does and I can just keep drinking and partying. But the depression and anxiety soon returned. Labor day weekend I went down to DC to party with some friends. I drank, of course, and then someone took out a bag of cocaine and I did a few lines, completely forgetting that I had a drug test coming up for my job in a few days. That night progressed to one of drunken mania, where I ended up taking a **** directly in front of the White House, wow, writing that I feel so stupid but also lucky that I didn't get arrested. A few days later, I went to take the drug test and failed. I lost my job. This was so traumatic for me. I really loved this job and I was good at it. Now I had just thrown it away for nothing, for a few hours of meaningless fun with people I didn't really feel good with.
I realized that I had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I started going to AA on September 7th 2010, and got three months of sobriety under my belt. I had my first tastes of serenity in that time and I remember it feeling so good. However, it was not enough to keep me sober. I just have a lot of trouble accepting that I"m an alcoholic. I am very demanding of myself and hate admitting fault, I think largely because of the fact that I grew up with a father who would always blast into us whenever we made any kind of mistake, calling me an idiot or a loser. I have drank three times since September, but each time I am filled up with these massive feelings of dread and anxiety, beceause having tasted what it feels like to have sobriety and some kind of spiritual presence in my life, the prospect of going back to how I was living before seems so bleak and grey. I currently have 33 days of sobriety under my belt and it feels good but it is definitely not easy. I just feel like "normal" people my age drink, and it is difficult for me to imagine having a social life and dating without alcohol. My mind just comes up with all kinds of rationalizations for why I should drink, for why AA is a cult, for why I shouldn't be brainwashed. Nevermind the fact that I think I have been brainwashed into thinking pouring alcohol down my throat in an attempt to fit in is somehow normal.
Anyway, that was pretty much a stream of consciousness rant but it feels good to get out some of what I was feeling. Any words of encouragement and experience from other people who got sober around my age would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
I am 24 years old, have been drinking since I was 15. I've always felt very uncomfortable in my own skin, and drinking helped me feel like the confident, self-assured, and funny person that I know I am but am always too damn nervous/uncomfortable to express. I started drinking in high school and it quickly became what my social life revolved around. Got to the weekend, got drunk, it was lots of fun. Got to college in New Orleans, and without the check of living under my parents' roof anymore, I went full out. Was getting hardcore drunk on more nights than not, but somehow still managing to make all of my classes. That first year of college was magical, just getting so drunk, finding new friends, feeling good about myself. But as college progressed, it got harder and harder to feel good while drinking. It was hit or miss, sometimes I would feel good and other times the alcohol would just exacerbate the anxiety and depression I carried around with me most of the time. I drank to fit in, because I felt like me, by myself was not good enough. I had to be drunk to be funny and relaxed.
After college, took a year off and worked, drank every weekend. I was going through a messy relationship/breakup at the time, and drinking would help me gloss over the feelings of pain and abandonment I was feeling at the time, but it was at this point that I think drinking really started to become problematic for me. I would frequently get drunk and drive home, and then feel really ashamed about it the next day, and then I just stopped feeling ashamed about it, telling myself that I was actually a better driver drunk than sober, more assertive. I thought that life was about being happy all the time, always being the life of the party and searching for the next good time. I spent most of my time this year a miserable mess of confused emotions and quiet desperation, missing my ex girlfriend but not knowing how to express these feelings.
I went to law school after a year, not really sure that I wanted to be a lawyer, but just kind of going with the flow. I don't really know what my passions are and I guess I just kind of feel like I should be happy with whatever I get in life because I'm not really special or worth much. The drinking got worse in law school. I would binge at least one or two nights a week, usually unable to control how much I would take once I started. This is where my conception of being powerless comes in, because I was never a daily drinker, but once I started it was really tough for me to control how much I would take. What is confusing me now is that there were times when I could just have a beer or two, so my mind is telling me that I'm not really an alcoholic. But like I said, there were also plenty of times when I couldnt' stop drinking once I started.
At one point during that first year of law school, I tried to go without drinking for a month and keep a journal of my experiences. I made it one week before I got really drunk, and that was the end of the experiment. I felt so lonely and out of place in law school, trying to fit in with the popular crowd instead of just hanging out with people I felt comfortable with and focusing on my classes, many of which I found very enjoyable. By the end of the second semester, my anxiety had reached levels I had never felt before, my nights were spent getting drunk, days were spent feeling alone, stressed, and scared. I walked out in the middle of my first final because I just couldn't concentratre at all on what the test was asking me to do, and I dropped out of law school right there. I didn't ask for more time or help, I jsut made a rash decision and threw away a scholarship to a top tier law school on the spot, no consultation with my parents or anything. Insane, no?
got home to Baltimore and was fortunate to get my job back as an interpreter ( I speak Spanish) at a hospital. At first this made me feel happy, like okay, even though I dropped out of law school it's fine, everything is working out for me like it always does and I can just keep drinking and partying. But the depression and anxiety soon returned. Labor day weekend I went down to DC to party with some friends. I drank, of course, and then someone took out a bag of cocaine and I did a few lines, completely forgetting that I had a drug test coming up for my job in a few days. That night progressed to one of drunken mania, where I ended up taking a **** directly in front of the White House, wow, writing that I feel so stupid but also lucky that I didn't get arrested. A few days later, I went to take the drug test and failed. I lost my job. This was so traumatic for me. I really loved this job and I was good at it. Now I had just thrown it away for nothing, for a few hours of meaningless fun with people I didn't really feel good with.
I realized that I had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I started going to AA on September 7th 2010, and got three months of sobriety under my belt. I had my first tastes of serenity in that time and I remember it feeling so good. However, it was not enough to keep me sober. I just have a lot of trouble accepting that I"m an alcoholic. I am very demanding of myself and hate admitting fault, I think largely because of the fact that I grew up with a father who would always blast into us whenever we made any kind of mistake, calling me an idiot or a loser. I have drank three times since September, but each time I am filled up with these massive feelings of dread and anxiety, beceause having tasted what it feels like to have sobriety and some kind of spiritual presence in my life, the prospect of going back to how I was living before seems so bleak and grey. I currently have 33 days of sobriety under my belt and it feels good but it is definitely not easy. I just feel like "normal" people my age drink, and it is difficult for me to imagine having a social life and dating without alcohol. My mind just comes up with all kinds of rationalizations for why I should drink, for why AA is a cult, for why I shouldn't be brainwashed. Nevermind the fact that I think I have been brainwashed into thinking pouring alcohol down my throat in an attempt to fit in is somehow normal.
Anyway, that was pretty much a stream of consciousness rant but it feels good to get out some of what I was feeling. Any words of encouragement and experience from other people who got sober around my age would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: kansas
Posts: 61
The very first recognizable sign and symptom of the disease of addiction is the loss of ordinary will.
Admitting is what you did in Sept. 2010. You admitted publically that you have this disease.
Acceptanec usually takes about two years, because it is a grief process. The grief process is five stages.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
The bargaining stage is where the person, at the spiritual and soul level struggles with the reality that is settling into their world.
Bargaining is the yes/no, i am/i am not, yes...but., if only, if this...then this..., and it is confusing and temporary.
Bargaining is full of guilt/blame theorizing and mental mechanics.
Admitting is what you did in Sept. 2010. You admitted publically that you have this disease.
Acceptanec usually takes about two years, because it is a grief process. The grief process is five stages.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
The bargaining stage is where the person, at the spiritual and soul level struggles with the reality that is settling into their world.
Bargaining is the yes/no, i am/i am not, yes...but., if only, if this...then this..., and it is confusing and temporary.
Bargaining is full of guilt/blame theorizing and mental mechanics.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,889
Welcome to the SoberRecovery forums Comanche. I see you have a lot on your mind. Early in recovery I too was trying to make some sense of my problem. Hang in there, you'll work it out.I'm not big on labels, they can be so confusing. I just identify the problem as needing attention. If alcohol is the problem, as it was with me, I just take the appropriate measures to make it no longer a problem. Fortunately there many ways to deal with an alcohol problem, one just as good as the other. I picked a treatment plan that addressed my problem with alcohol. And its getting fixed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 87
i was pretty much a social drinker all my life, just getting a buzz and quit for the night. the only time i would get drunk was the big holidays and birthday so pretty normal till about 2 years ago and bam vodka came into my life! and i drank it every day since, hiding it from my wife, friends, its the easiest to cover up and once you becoame so toloerant to it it takes me a pint to get a buzz. thank goodness i didnt get to a fifth like i have read on here but a pint is still a pint to much. im on day 3 and 33 sounds so good! cant wait to be able to get there, it will be so dam hard! people coming over this weekend drinking red wine which i love! but i have to stand my ground! this is it for me now or never. read some of my initial threads and posts. thanks for opening up, i know its hard but its what it takes i can see that now. im sure i will see around in here!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome comanche - good for you for getting sober!
It's hard to think about being an alcoholic - even at the end of my drinking, I still felt like I could occasionally control it and that if I just tried a little harder, I might be able to drink socially. Of course, I was never happy with the 2 drinks/night that is considered moderate drinking.......
The truth was I really didn't have the kind of control I thought I did and would end up drinking after promising myself I wouldn't (sometimes the very say day). I think if you relate to some of the stories here, chances are you're one of us.... Keep reading and posting!
p.s. here's a questionnaire that might help too: (there are lots of these kinds of tests out there - this one is used by John Hopkins University and Hospital):
It's hard to think about being an alcoholic - even at the end of my drinking, I still felt like I could occasionally control it and that if I just tried a little harder, I might be able to drink socially. Of course, I was never happy with the 2 drinks/night that is considered moderate drinking.......
The truth was I really didn't have the kind of control I thought I did and would end up drinking after promising myself I wouldn't (sometimes the very say day). I think if you relate to some of the stories here, chances are you're one of us.... Keep reading and posting!
p.s. here's a questionnaire that might help too: (there are lots of these kinds of tests out there - this one is used by John Hopkins University and Hospital):
1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
16. Do you drink alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
16. Do you drink alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 259
Commanche....Great post...
Im a self confessed pragmatist, however , alcohol buggered up lots and lots of things for me .
My simple and easy realisation came after many years of bargaining, denial etc
Could I go for a week without alcohol and not worry about it ??
I can go for a week without drinking a can of coke and it does not bother me. A week without a meat pie, chocolate cream cake blah blah .
But one week seemed like an eternity , and my thoughts were constantly on the booze, constantly . IE judging others.....hmmmm I wonder what his or her life is like without drinking ...
I came to a simple conculsion....
You dont have to use the word Alcoholic....it is just a word...
Try this one..
A substance is stuffing your life up and stopping you from reaching peace, your potential, and most importantly "stopping you from having a sound mind"
Pretend the alcohol is paint thinners.....would you drink paint thinners every day , if you knew it was killing you ?? what about sewerage,, would you drink raw sewerage everyday ??
Of course bloody not !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The cunning part of booze is the small "feel good" bit after the first few drinks..... the rest is S*&^ T
Dont label yourself if you dont want to ........ Try to look at it as paint thinners or raw sewerage....because
I can tell you my friend
IT IS WORSE THAN BOTH OF THEM
Hang in ...stay on the forum ,. chat to whoever you need to and believe in yourself ..
First step was that Post.....well bloody done.
L
Im a self confessed pragmatist, however , alcohol buggered up lots and lots of things for me .
My simple and easy realisation came after many years of bargaining, denial etc
Could I go for a week without alcohol and not worry about it ??
I can go for a week without drinking a can of coke and it does not bother me. A week without a meat pie, chocolate cream cake blah blah .
But one week seemed like an eternity , and my thoughts were constantly on the booze, constantly . IE judging others.....hmmmm I wonder what his or her life is like without drinking ...
I came to a simple conculsion....
You dont have to use the word Alcoholic....it is just a word...
Try this one..
A substance is stuffing your life up and stopping you from reaching peace, your potential, and most importantly "stopping you from having a sound mind"
Pretend the alcohol is paint thinners.....would you drink paint thinners every day , if you knew it was killing you ?? what about sewerage,, would you drink raw sewerage everyday ??
Of course bloody not !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The cunning part of booze is the small "feel good" bit after the first few drinks..... the rest is S*&^ T
Dont label yourself if you dont want to ........ Try to look at it as paint thinners or raw sewerage....because
I can tell you my friend
IT IS WORSE THAN BOTH OF THEM
Hang in ...stay on the forum ,. chat to whoever you need to and believe in yourself ..
First step was that Post.....well bloody done.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 65
Thanks to Everyone for your kind words of encouragement. I am looking forward to spending more time on this forum and hopefully getting to know some of you better. Today is Day 36.
Servant of God
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
Be careful of your expectation of sobriety. Unreasonable expectations of bliss and feeling high on life can lead to dissapointment and relapse.
Sobriety is different for everyone. You may find yourself saying one day "is this it?". Sobriety could be just the ability to be "OK" with yourself and your life, and that's just great. It's a whole lot better than you have ever experienced dry or while not high.
Sobriety could simply be the ability to go through a death or rejection and allow yourself to grieve and grow from it without feeling the need to use.
If you are not comfortable with yourself in social situations and feel the need to drink at them then work for sobriety by forcing yourself through those settings. It may be hard but you will usually find a kind reception and will grow and feel better once you've done it.
Think about what situations made you feel like you needed to be drunk. It may be social, sex, asking a girl out, being funny and etc. Force yourself to do these things without using. It may be really hard at first but you will grow as a person and realize you will get better at these things and are able to do it without the chemicals.
Sobriety is different for everyone. You may find yourself saying one day "is this it?". Sobriety could be just the ability to be "OK" with yourself and your life, and that's just great. It's a whole lot better than you have ever experienced dry or while not high.
Sobriety could simply be the ability to go through a death or rejection and allow yourself to grieve and grow from it without feeling the need to use.
If you are not comfortable with yourself in social situations and feel the need to drink at them then work for sobriety by forcing yourself through those settings. It may be hard but you will usually find a kind reception and will grow and feel better once you've done it.
Think about what situations made you feel like you needed to be drunk. It may be social, sex, asking a girl out, being funny and etc. Force yourself to do these things without using. It may be really hard at first but you will grow as a person and realize you will get better at these things and are able to do it without the chemicals.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
HI and welcome to SR!
I personally found it easier to basically take the question of "Am I an alcoholic or not" out of the equation. Instead I asked myself whether or not my life was better without alcohol or not...since the answer is 1,000 time better I find it easy not to drink.
I know that admitting the disease is very important to many, I am just stating what worked for me
I personally found it easier to basically take the question of "Am I an alcoholic or not" out of the equation. Instead I asked myself whether or not my life was better without alcohol or not...since the answer is 1,000 time better I find it easy not to drink.
I know that admitting the disease is very important to many, I am just stating what worked for me
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