kirsteym

I had posted this over in Friends and Family, but have been advised to post it here. Please forgive the double posting....

My young adult daughter is a heroin addict. In the past 60 days, she has been therapeutically discharged (kicked out) of 2 rehabs and she has run away twice from a recovery home.

On the second runaway, she drove while high (and with a suspended license) and caused an accident. Her 2nd DUI.

On the day she was released from the hospital, she asked to go back into rehab. Hmm, says I. Why didn't you tell the hospital staff you wanted to go into rehab as they could have transferred you directly?

I didn't know, she says. (Not likely the truth as she's been transferred from the hospital in the past.)

I questioned her seriousness and she came up with the $$ for the deductible.

OK, I think, maybe she's serious.

It takes a few days for a bed to become available and she's WD'ing, so I take her back in my home with lots of treppidation. But we make it w/o incident and she goes back into rehab where she is now in her 2nd week.

I've been reading a lot of the posts in the forum and trying to sort out my own feelings. If I'm honest, what I want to happen next is this: I don't want her to come home. I don't want to pay for another recovery home near our home. In fact, I'm real tired of paying and paying and paying and seeing no results.

However, I'm hearing things from her that I haven't heard in many years. When she calls crying, she's now crying that she's sorry for the pain she's caused and for blaming me for all the troubles in her life. This is a big switch. She used to call crying that she wanted to come home.

She called to talk about how much legal trouble she thinks she's in. This is also a switch. She's facing reality - something she hasn't done in a long, long time.

So, my long-winded question is, am I still in co-dependency mode by considering giving her financial help again. What I'm considering is, paying for a long-term (6+ months) treatment program or recovery home that is in an opposite corner of the state we're in. (I'd love for her to go out of state - the other side of the states even - but she has the legal stuff to deal with.)

kirsteym

Go to a mission.
Live with a friend.
Live with a drug dealer.
Go to a recovery home of her choice, assuming she can find a job to pay for it.

What she's asking is to come home. What I'm saying is, no.

kirsteym

Both of those options still require $. My question really deals with the co-dependency issue. Is helping her financially - assuming it's something I want to spend my money on - just another way of controlling her? Cause I really don't want to do that any more. I've had enough.

But as you point out, her choices are limited without cash.

kirsteym

what is SHE willing to do? that's where the rubber meets the road.

Excellent point. Thanks.

Some of the other threads I've been reading have made me think too about the time factor. Only time and actions will tell. Assuming she's ready to put the peddle to the metal, she'll need my support, and very likely my financial help.

smacked

Your heart of hearts knows the answer.

I've been to a handful of rehab programs. They always had oodles of recommendations of continuing treatment, at cost, no cost, insurance, no insurance, etc (etc). This is her deal. Stop footing the bill.

Of COURSE she's saying things you haven't heard.. she's an addict. I was a master manipulator and got anything and everything I wanted, I knew what buttons to push, what heartstrings to strum..

It will be really telling of her intent to recover, when she has to figure it out on her own (or with the help of the treatment professionals, whom you are NOT one of).

kirsteym

I hear you both. Scares the bejesus outta me. But you're right. I think it would help her self-esteem and self-confidence to figure this out as well.

Ann

My son also went from rehab to rehab, so many times I lost count.

The Salvation Army has a very good program and it's free. That's an option.

There are sober living houses that have fees based on your ability to pay, and as you are able to work, you then start paying more. These houses are pretty good places to be when new in recovery.

There are meetings every night of the week and every day, so that even when working it is easy to work a program and connect with other people who understand. These people often have tips on jobs and affordable housing.

My point here is that there are many very good options available to addicts in recovery. "We" don't have to be one of them. As a matter of fact "we" are not even a good choice most times. If it didn't work before, it just may not work next time and "we" are not the keepers of their recovery process.

I am so glad your daughter went back to rehab. I don't know how long it is for, but often the rehabs themselves can help them find a safe place to live after rehab is over.

I'm sending prayers for her and hugs for you because being the mama of an addict is no picnic.

Hugs

keepinon

My 19 year old is a recovering heroin addict..we have spent 30 grand in a year and a half.After 2nd rehab she went into sle..she would have paid, but she wanted to go to school full time (cosmetology) and we decided to help her out if she meant business..so far so good.BUT..if she had not enrolled in a program, there is no way in hell I would've paid.
You also don't have to make a decision now, give her some sober time, and like the others have said..let the rehab talk to her about options..if she is serious about her recovery she will listen to them.Unless you are Dr.Drew, your home is not a good rehab/sle.I would go insane if my RAD was here..and she probably would to..Ann is very wise..we are not their only or best option..btw Ann..shared that with my Alanon group and they LOVED it!

kirsteym

Thanks everyone. I'm going to see my AD tomorrow. Praying for strength and wisdom and hoping it's not too much to ask.

Eddiebuckle

Your daughter is the only one who is responsible for her sobriety. Having gone to rehab myself, I believe that the rubber meets the road in the real world, not in extended care. You clearly have already spent good money after bad in trying to keep her sober in extended care treatment. And it sounds like she has to date not been successful, perhaps because she thinks she has options should she decide to use "just this once." She has to know that she cannot rely on you forever. She has to learn to make the right choice when her circumstances and her addiction collide - call her sponsor, go to a meeting, call a sober friend, etc. Anything BUT use.

That said, you can say that you are willing to help her with a halfway house or sober home for a limited amount of time (a few months?). Ones in my city generally cost about $400 a month, including everything but food. Surely she can get a job that would pay food in the near term and then room and food after a few months? And tell her this is it, she is officially on her own.

Kindeyes

I was recently in your position and feeling very much the same way....however.....I allowed my AS to come to my home after rehab even though I really didn't want him to. It lasted two months....by the end of those two months, he had relapsed and my serenity was seriously disrupted. This was his 2nd go at inpatient (and he's also had two rounds of outpatient).

20/20 hindsight....I wish so badly that I had insisted that our home was not an option. And insisted that he and his counselors work out his best options for post rehab support and living arrangements.

I understand your thoughts and feelings right now. I'm happy to hear that your daughter is in rehab and staying there. Let's pray that she sticks with it and that she leans on her HP, sponsor, and meetings instead of you in the future.

You are welcome to lean on us here.......many of us have been where you are and we understand.

gentle hugs
ke

CanfixONLYme

This is just a thought... have you considered chatting to whomever is running the rehab where she's at right now (have a good one-on-one discussion) about what they feel she's going through etc. They've seen it all so maybe they would also know her true intent on getting better? Maybe they would have a financial strategy that would work for the both of you no matter what the outcome (hopefully positive!) will be?

kirsteym

Thanks again to everyone who responded. I visited with my AD yesterday. It was a mixed visit. She really had her heart set on coming home and it took her almost the whole visit to come to understand I was saying no.

(Kindeyes, Been there. Done that. AD has been in and out of rehab 5 times previously. 4 of those times, I brought her home. The 5th time, I paid for a recovery house, from which she bounced twice. So, it was hindsight that taught me too.)

In the beginning of the conversation, she resorted to manipulation, telling me that if I didn't bring her home, she'd go back on heroin. But she didn't get the usual reaction - anger - from me. I just kept telling her she had a lot of options, if she'd just explore them with her counselor. I also agreed to help her financially for a limited time (3 months).

By the end of the hour, she got up to hug me and whispered, "I know what I have to do. I just don't want to do it."

So, I choose to interpret this as, she knows she has to make some tough choices and she's scared about leaving home. But she can do it, if she wants to. I believe in her.

Kindeyes

Ok. This made me tear up. Good stuff.

gentle hugs
ke

JMFburns

kirsteym,

Way to "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't be mean". You knew your boundary and steared the conversation back to it each time it was necessary and didn't waver. Good for you! It its hard to master, but it sounds like you did really well and the more you do it the more your daughter will know you say what you mean and can't be talk outta it.

I just wanted to say "good job" and send you a hug!

hello-kitty

When I was in the throes of my addiction, my brother said, Kitty, you are strong. I know you can conquer whatever challenges you face. I believe in you.

I'll never forget those words. It reinforced that someone believed I COULD do it. It helped me remember who I was before the crack. It helped me know that I had it in me to quit and stay quit. And that's what I really needed. I didn't need someone to do it for me. I needed someone to believe that I could do it on my own. Being a grown up is hard.

Recovery is hard work and it's something we have to do all by ourselves. If people try to make it easy on us there is a really good chance we won't succeed. I'm so glad you are going to give your daughter a chance for success.

kirsteym

AD is getting discharged tomorrow cause the insurance co won't allow her more time. Sigh.

The counselors have arranged for her to go into a recovery home. They ruled out a number of other possibilities for several reasons - AD's lack of cooperation, AD's stage of recovery, AD's legal problems. You get the picture.

So, Tuesday AD says to me absolutely she ain't going and no one can make her. I say OK.

Then she says, so I can come home? I say no.

She hangs up on me.

Wednesday she calls me at work and says OK I'll go. I'm sorry for what I said and the way I hung up on you yesterday. I say OK.

Wednesday while I'm commuting home AD calls and says I'll go for 2 weeks, but then I'm gonna transfer someplace else I want to go. I say OK.

She says, so you'll find me another place and pay for it. I say no.

She hangs up on me.

I'm making progress in my recovery. But, oh gawd, it hurts.

Kindeyes

Boy...they do make it tough on us, don't they? You're doing so great. You're allowing the responsibility to land squarely where it belongs. On her shoulders. Good job!

I do understand how badly it hurts.

gentle hugs
ke

kirsteym

anvilhead, you are so right. Thanks so much for this post.

mooselips

kirsteym,
The hardest part, IMO, is for us enablers, (and parents) who truly love our children is to say NO.

But it truly is the best gift we can give them. I believe our addicts H.P. has a path for them, and some paths may be rocky along the way, but I think that path is shortened if we stay out of the way.

You're doing a great job.

((((BIG HUG))))