Sally

First let me say my Husband has been Sober now and out of treatment almost 2 years this summer.
We have put our lives back together after it was in complete shambles. It's simply a miracle that we were able to do that.
I feel like acrazy idiot, because me being the rock.......lol, am feeling like im coming unhinged.
I feel suddenly emotionaly crazy, all my old insecurities have come back. And I feel sick to my stomach.
WE ahve been doing so well , taking it one step at a time moving forward. Just taking care of the daily family drama has kept us pretty much occupied.
Anyway, theres never a shortage of that, thats forsure.
Today is my husbands Birthday, he's 48, He was on the road and my daughter and I made special arangments all day while he was away, we baked a cake, I bought and wrapped him a personalized special gift that i always did over the years. I made him a card and wrote a heart felt love note. And we went all out, and everything was wonderful, until, I opened my
bitter, insecure mouth and started saying stupid, jealouse things. :rotfxko
He got mader than usual, ( he used to be somewhat amused by my jealuous rants) but not this time. He said Im sick of your ****, I've had it with you. You can **** right off. Take your presents back. I dont' want anything from you.
And He walks away and goes to bed.
I calm down, and I decide I need to apoligize for being stupid, so I try to and he shuts me down cold.
I have never felt this from him before, no matter what we argued about, or had our stupid rediculus fights I have always known or felt that he loved me.
But Something has changed, and I am scared and it's making me even crazier.
Last week, I found some emails to a women, they were planning a meeting.
They were mostly platonic, but friendly and flirty.
I was very upset, and when I confronted him or asked him who this was, he was very angry and denied there being anything to worry about.
But, I just don't buy it.
We have been attending church, and He swore on the bible that there is nothing for me to worry about. But I just don't believe it.
I think I've been trying to regain our intimacy again, for a while, I was emotionaly dead...and now that I've tried to open my heart again and feel some passion for him again. I am terrified. Am I just crazy.......or does it all make sence.
Im thinking I should just pull away, keep my emotions safe within me.
And focus on me.
I have been doing this for so long, but it's very lonely.....
I am lonely and crazy and don't know which direction to go in.......
Also, whats adding to my insecurities is the fact that I quit smoking 6 months ago. Which is soooo great, it was soo difficult to do. But I have gained 40slb, I have never had an issue with my weight. I've been attending the gym and walking and eating properly and putting an effort forth towarsd losing the weight. But none of my clothes fit me. I look like crap...I feel like crap.
Im trying but, I am starting to feel defeated, and I have wanted a smoke tonight like i never have.
I have resisted and found you of course......
so help with my insanity please.
Sally
Thank you
for listening

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Most of the folks here can relate to your story, won't offer any advice, just letting you know that you'll find the best support here.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Follow your gut and intuition. It sounds like he is starting an emotional affair. I have just found out things this week and mine is denying it too but my GUT is telling me something totally different.

Hugs and welcome.

suki44883

You don't say how many years your husband drank, but during that time, I'm sure you lost a lot of trust in him. You also don't say if he's ever cheated on you. Could that be playing a part? In any case, only you can decide if you are willing to begin trusting him. I think it's a good sign that instead of drinking, he just went to bed when he got upset. You also don't say how you "found" the emails. Were you snooping? I'm not accusing, just asking.

You might want to consider Alanon meetings. They are filled with people who are in relationships with, or family members of, alcoholics. You'll find a lot of support there, and you'll also learn how to take care of yourself.

Cyranoak

It sounds like it's time to focus on you and your recovery, rather than him and his. His is his, yours is yours.

Alanon is where you start.

Take care and good luck,

Cyranoak

Sally

Hi Thank you for your replies. MY husband drank for many years.......and yes he has a history of cheating. Thats the reason for the mistrust. I have been emotionaly withdrawn or numbed out for so long. But Its affecting me. Im lonely. I want love again. Im getting older and I guess Im just pushing for answers right now. Im scareda to trust him again. Im scared to open up. Im just scared, that I am scared to know the answer.....

Sally

Thank you, This post helped me very much tonight.
Thank you, you inspired me, to keep moving forward and focusing on me.

sailorjohn

Just an afterthought, not saying if your husband is being faithful/unfaithful but infidelity has nothing to do with your appearance if that is the case. I was a cheater, and I can assure you it had nothing to do with her, everything to do with me.

And I've been involved with a cheater, nothing to do with me, everything to do with her.

My end was how I reacted.

Sally

I was snooping, My instincs told me something was wrong. I could hear him on the phone, and I notice he is different with me.
I was suspicious. In my defence the email account is his email, but it is an open account for our bussiness, he openly shares the email password and allows me access. I found these emails in the sent messages, the ones that he deleted from the inbox.
And when I asked about them, the planning a meeting, he denied even contacting this person.
That is why I am upset.........all the pieces of the puzzle point in the same direction.......and it makes me ill.
I have been so upset it's hard for me togo to work, people notice theres something wrong at work. Im on the brink of breaking into tears. But I cannot share anything and risk looking like the idiot they already think i am.
I'm just feeling panicked and crazy...

Sally

wow, what was happeing with you, that made you cheat?
what was going on?
I feel like he's setting me up for failure, he's looking for justification. Every time I step out of line, it's justification for him to cheat. Thats how I feel.

suki44883

He cannot make you fail and you cannot make him cheat. If he is cheating, it is because he is a cheater. No one can make a person do anything. We just are not that powerful. If he cheats, it's on him.

You should focus on making yourself the very best person you can be. Don't do it to keep him from cheating. Do it for yourself. You deserve better than what you are getting.

jamaicamecrazy

Sounds like you are emotionally drained. I know for me when I feel bad about myself I tend to take it out on those closest to me. My husband always pointed this out and I now realize how true it is. It is one of the things I am trying to change. That being said...I think us wives have an inner radar when it comes to our AH. We can read them better than they read themselves and are more in touch with their emotions than we are with ours. So when I started feeling that my husband's friendship with someone was becoming more and he swore up and down that I had nothing to worry I started snooping until I found "I love you " messages on his phone. I am the kind of person who rather know than be blissfully ignorant. He still swore there was nothing more than a close friendship. I guess what I am trying to say is that your gut feeling is probably correct. However, you have a choice as to what you do with this information. Is it a deal breaker for you and can you handle yourself and set your boundaries without losing control?
Focusing in helping yourself is difficult to do during something this devastating but will be the best for you in the long run. Hugs.

japabp2000

Hello Sally. I don't really have any advice. I do want to say that I'm sorry that your husband is doing this..please take care of you. ((((Hugs))))

sailorjohn

What function did the cheating serve? It became my new doc. Some of this may apply to your situation, all of it may apply to your situation, none of it may apply.

I was an abstaining alcoholic, and I found a great new drug. And that was all about me, had nothing to do with my ex-wife. Since your husband has a history of cheating, and you haven't mentioned anything about his working a program, you have the classic AA joke:

What do you get when you sober up a drunken horse thief?

A sober horse thief.

Sober probably not being the best word to describe someone merely abstaining from drinking/using.

Just my opinion.

barb dwyer

I hope you'll be able to re-connect with some friends here
and I hope you'll extend your support
into the real world
and find a meeting near you.

I think you'd find comfort in 'real life' support as well.

Recovery is an ongoing thing.
It really never ends, I think.
At least so far, it's that way for me.

wanttobehealthy

I'm guessing that whatever you said the night of H's bday wasn't just a random jealous thing (you sounded like you were beating yourself up for saying whatever it is you did say to him)....

You know he is involved extramaritally with someone else even if right now it's an emotional level (which I think is worse in some ways than a physical affair but that's a separate matter).

His reaction to you-- cold, distant etc... is bc of HIM. It had NOTHING to do with your comment. He is "sober" but if he's got a history of infidelity then he is just replacing drinking with inappropriate relationships with other women and is doing so to make himself feel better.

Of course he wants you to think it is you that caused his distance, caused his cheating etc...

It is ALL his issues that he is trying to project onto you to make him feel justified to behave however he wants.

It's not you. Tell yourself that over and over and over-- even if you don't believe it-- just say it over and over and eventually you'll start to believe it.

Cyranoak

Cheaters cheat. You don't have a damned thing to do with it. You could look like Christina Hendricks and he would cheat on you. You could have her body, the brain of Marie Curie, the sense of humor of Kathleen Madigan, and the voice of Aretha Franklin and he would cheat on you. He would cheat on you if you were Angelina Jolie for God's sake!

I didn't cheat on my 5' tall, drunken, 185 pound wife, and I don't cheat on my 5' tall, sober, 120 pound wife. Why? Because I don't cheat--it's simply not my nature.

If you understand nothing else, understand this: he cheats because he's a cheater. It's his nature. Who you are, how you are, and what you look like don't have a damned thing to do with it. What you really need to understand is why you are still with this man? Why don't you see the massive amount of evidence that tells you who he really is?

Cyranoak

transformyself

First, welcome.
Secondly, I didn't have to read further than this:
coupled with this
Trust your gut. Just do it.

Go here SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity and tell your story.

They don't quite get alcoholism at this site, but if you post in JUST FOUND OUT about what you're finding, you'll get wisdom and support.

The most basic aspect of this is your comfort level. Your boundary. Alcoholics are brilliant spin doctors, they are especially good at blame shifting, making you doubt yourself.

My advice is trust your gut. YOu caught him being sneaky, even if nothing has happened yet. And yes, this will make you hysterical. I know, trust me. I needed to focus on myself, my needs, my beliefs, my boundaries, outside of what's going on with him.

You think he shouldn't be emailing a female friend and secretly hooking up with her? Its' perfectly within your right to create that boundary in your marriage.

Whether or not he respects that boundary is his deal. But if you keep the focus on yourself and what you need to be sane and feel safe, and then make sure those things happen, you'll be much better off than spinning in chaos and fear.

Sally

Thank you all, so much for your help.
I had a much better day today. I had to pull my mind from him and focus on me.
I let go,of trying to control his behaviour. I lived my own life today, I realized that my obsessing is not going change anything.
Thank you.....one crazy day at a time....

Buffalo66

Sounds like his reaction is your answer...

He is guilty in thought if not in action.

Thus is sad. Makes me feel really sad.
I am sorry you are coping with this.

I have a lit of tryst/ trust issues, too, as my RAH also cheated like mad.
I send you strength to make the appropriate boundaries and changes to preserve your sanity.