AH accusing me of affair - terrible situation!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
AH accusing me of affair - terrible situation!
My AH and I are legally separated and I haven't really been in love with him for a while because of his insane depressed alcoholic behavior but I tried to keep it going "for the kids". I have also been 100% faithful to him. He recently went off on a crazy bender and has been staying in hotels, drinking, calling us at odd hours to "talk". During this time I decided I want a divorce. I am trying to put our house on the market to sell so I contacted the lawn service we use to spruce up the yard. I have a baby at home and can't get out in the yard myself. So, I call our lawn service and leave a voice mail. The owner sends me a Facebook friend request back, I have no idea why, maybe he wanted to talk about the lawn request via Facebook? It is weird. But, whatever.
Here's the problem: This friend request has my AH CONVINCED I am having an affair with our lawn service guy. This is so ridiculous I can't believe it. My AH has been sending me all these bizarre emails and calling me and I have tried to be no contact, but I am starting to get worried he is going to go attack the lawn service guy or me. I want to warn the lawn care guy and give him a heads up, but the whole situation is so crazy, and I feel like if I give a heads up it will only "confirm" my AH's suspicions because I am talking to him. I have no idea if my AH has called and threatened the lawn guy or anything, because I literally barely know this person, I have only called to get my lawn done so I can sell my house and get out of this crazy situation! Sucks that I now have to worry about the safety of some stranger in addition to all my other problems.
What a mess. I just want out of this so bad. My AH has been careful not to say anything directly threatening so I don't think I can get a protective order. I just don't know what to do because if I don't talk to my AH, it confirms I am having an affair, if I talk to my AH, it confirms I am having an affair...you get the idea. You can't win when you are talking to a crazy irrational alcoholic.
The one blessing in this whole situation is it has strengthened my resolve to leave. Before I felt sorry for him and could have probably been coaxed back. Now I am just scared of him and I hate him, I really do.
Here's the problem: This friend request has my AH CONVINCED I am having an affair with our lawn service guy. This is so ridiculous I can't believe it. My AH has been sending me all these bizarre emails and calling me and I have tried to be no contact, but I am starting to get worried he is going to go attack the lawn service guy or me. I want to warn the lawn care guy and give him a heads up, but the whole situation is so crazy, and I feel like if I give a heads up it will only "confirm" my AH's suspicions because I am talking to him. I have no idea if my AH has called and threatened the lawn guy or anything, because I literally barely know this person, I have only called to get my lawn done so I can sell my house and get out of this crazy situation! Sucks that I now have to worry about the safety of some stranger in addition to all my other problems.
What a mess. I just want out of this so bad. My AH has been careful not to say anything directly threatening so I don't think I can get a protective order. I just don't know what to do because if I don't talk to my AH, it confirms I am having an affair, if I talk to my AH, it confirms I am having an affair...you get the idea. You can't win when you are talking to a crazy irrational alcoholic.
The one blessing in this whole situation is it has strengthened my resolve to leave. Before I felt sorry for him and could have probably been coaxed back. Now I am just scared of him and I hate him, I really do.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Nuts.
Good for you that it's strengthening,
not lessening
your desire to be in a happier healthier life.
I don't know what to say about the FB thing
or about saying anything to the lawn guy.
Just maybe for now hold your space
and let the lawn guy do the lawn?
Alcoholics in their disease
can do crazy stuff that's for sure.
meanwhile maybe it's time to block the hub from fb.
that way, he can't see anything you're doing on there.
and he won't be ale to get 'in'
through another mutual friend's wall either.
if he's blocked, that means blocked.
they don't notify him or anything.
Good for you that it's strengthening,
not lessening
your desire to be in a happier healthier life.
I don't know what to say about the FB thing
or about saying anything to the lawn guy.
Just maybe for now hold your space
and let the lawn guy do the lawn?
Alcoholics in their disease
can do crazy stuff that's for sure.
meanwhile maybe it's time to block the hub from fb.
that way, he can't see anything you're doing on there.
and he won't be ale to get 'in'
through another mutual friend's wall either.
if he's blocked, that means blocked.
they don't notify him or anything.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
FB strikes again! No, a crazy mid-bender drunk strikes again. Why's he able to view your FB anyways?? I agree with Barb, I'm so glad this is strengthening for you, now block his ass from your stuff and live in some peace, lady. Why do you have to talk to him? (I'm assuming about the kids?). Who cares what he thinks. Find common ground in loving your kids and leave the rest of it for the lawyers or his bar friends to hear about. Good grief.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Thanks, I hadn't unfriended him before all of this because I didn't want to set him off. Then I didn't realize I could block him so I just deleted my account. Good information. What a mess!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I went through this this Fall with my AH. We weren't separated though. I got to be friends with a group of folks from work this year and we all would go out from time to time... Some men, some women. I told ONE story to him that my friend D told me (man) and ever since I've been accused of having had an affair.
What I think? A) My own AH has had an affair and it's projection or B) my H like yours is freaking out that you might be stepping outside of his control and seeing things more clearly and he's going to try and use anything he can to suck you back in. If you change then he has to either face reality or find a new way to continue to delude himself fast. It's WAAAAAY easier for him to make you think you're crazy or wrong or bad or ______ fill in the blank, then it is for him to face reality.
No one, not even your AH thinks you had an affair. Smoke and mirrors with a healthy dose of quacking is what he's doing.
What I think? A) My own AH has had an affair and it's projection or B) my H like yours is freaking out that you might be stepping outside of his control and seeing things more clearly and he's going to try and use anything he can to suck you back in. If you change then he has to either face reality or find a new way to continue to delude himself fast. It's WAAAAAY easier for him to make you think you're crazy or wrong or bad or ______ fill in the blank, then it is for him to face reality.
No one, not even your AH thinks you had an affair. Smoke and mirrors with a healthy dose of quacking is what he's doing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 131
Ladybug,
So sorry you're going through this but you seem very resolved and very strong!
I think Wanttobe is right and that this is pretty common behavior. My W does this to me often when she's drunk. She drinks, I detach and she's convinced that because I'm not paying attention to her, I'm seeing someone. I think it's just another tool that the A uses to keep us firmly rooted in their drama.
So sorry you're going through this but you seem very resolved and very strong!
I think Wanttobe is right and that this is pretty common behavior. My W does this to me often when she's drunk. She drinks, I detach and she's convinced that because I'm not paying attention to her, I'm seeing someone. I think it's just another tool that the A uses to keep us firmly rooted in their drama.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
It seems that the A always says that and the funny thing is, it is usually them have the affair and just projecting. Us codies are not capable of having affairs because that would cause another person alot of pain. Since we always think of others, we wouldn't do it.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I hate to sound so insensitive here as I know you are confused and upset, and rightfully so, but do you also see the humor in this...humor in a sad way? The lawn service guy? Really?
Instead of letting it send you into an emotional whirlwind of self-righteous indignation and strategically planning how to prove him wrong, could you try to laugh it off because it is just plain old ridiculous? So the guy friended you on Facebook - he is probably using FB as a way to maintain his business contacts and keep clients.
My RAH did this to me once. When I finally stopped laughing, I just felt sorry for him because it was a pathetic attempt at projecting his own BS onto me. And the man he accused me of cheating with is still a good friend and colleague who happens to be one of my work mentors.
I told my husband that day I would never, ever again participate in such a nonsensical conversation and he could take his accusations and stick them where the sun doesn't shine.
Instead of letting it send you into an emotional whirlwind of self-righteous indignation and strategically planning how to prove him wrong, could you try to laugh it off because it is just plain old ridiculous? So the guy friended you on Facebook - he is probably using FB as a way to maintain his business contacts and keep clients.
My RAH did this to me once. When I finally stopped laughing, I just felt sorry for him because it was a pathetic attempt at projecting his own BS onto me. And the man he accused me of cheating with is still a good friend and colleague who happens to be one of my work mentors.
I told my husband that day I would never, ever again participate in such a nonsensical conversation and he could take his accusations and stick them where the sun doesn't shine.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Is the lawn guy hot? 
Tuffgirl is right, this is the equivalent of him going on and on about you having green hair. He might be taking it seriously, but it doesn't mean that you have to.
Have you considered pushing ahead with the divorce?
Tuffgirl is right, this is the equivalent of him going on and on about you having green hair. He might be taking it seriously, but it doesn't mean that you have to.
Have you considered pushing ahead with the divorce?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Yeah, I have been laughing about this a little bit. The lawn guy is actually good-looking (though he is much younger than me and not my type at all!), which I think is the problem. But, he has gotten so scary and that part isn't funny. I am staying with my AH's parents, who totally support me in this, but he keeps calling them and insisting on talking to me. They say no and he flips out. He has now upped the ante by telling me he is sending an email to everyone we know saying I had sex with him on the first date, I have herpes, I am sleeping with the lawn boy, etc. It's a horrible email. I guess the one upside is he is making it pretty easy for me to prove he is a wack-job in our divorce case. His dad's trying ot get him in rehab right now, I really hope he succeeds, not because I care if he gets well so much anymore, but because I need to have 30 days with him gone so I can get a restraining order, change the locks and not be threatened on an hourly basis.
So, if any of you are in the early stages of a relationship with an alcoholic, read my story and RUN!!!!
So, if any of you are in the early stages of a relationship with an alcoholic, read my story and RUN!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Ugh. So sorry he's doing this to you.
Can you play the tape to the end? What if he did send that email? What would the people you know think?
I hope he goes to rehab so you can get some peace. I wouldn't hold out much hope of it sticking if he's being forced into it, but at least you'll get some breathing space. When you say that he is threatening you, is this all by email?
Can you play the tape to the end? What if he did send that email? What would the people you know think?
I hope he goes to rehab so you can get some peace. I wouldn't hold out much hope of it sticking if he's being forced into it, but at least you'll get some breathing space. When you say that he is threatening you, is this all by email?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Sometimes when the sauce begins to boil itself over things start to get very sticky indeed! You are making moves to be rid of him and that is going to get him stirred up. Do what you need to do to be safe, but don't let fear keep you stuck. I imagined all the worst I could get from my EX as I was leaving and took precautions accordingly, but I couldn't let that be my excuse to stay as I was. Fear of something that might happen is far different than fear of something that I already know has happened and will continue to. In my case the verbal abuse and physical threats were real and would only continue. The behavior of his that I imagined was worthy of planning fo on my part but not worth staying and waiting for.
You are at the point where he is going to pull out all the irrational stops and come at you with all he's got. Seems now you are quite the loose lady with all the dirty secrets to bare and he's the town cryer. Poop to that! Have a laugh, cancel FB as you have or whatever other access he has, even send out a random note to friends to expect some written tirades via email from him so they don't worry for your well being and can just delete them. Don't expend your energies though putting out his ridiculous fires. Sounds as if he's making quite a fool of himself and those who know you will see it all as just that.
Get out those ear plugs and do what you can to cut off his contact with you. If that means setting more firm boundaries with his family to limit contact, than you may have to.
I think you're on the right path and doing quite well. You've got more strength than you know. You're just letting worry seep in. Certainly natural.
Hang in there!!
Alice
You are at the point where he is going to pull out all the irrational stops and come at you with all he's got. Seems now you are quite the loose lady with all the dirty secrets to bare and he's the town cryer. Poop to that! Have a laugh, cancel FB as you have or whatever other access he has, even send out a random note to friends to expect some written tirades via email from him so they don't worry for your well being and can just delete them. Don't expend your energies though putting out his ridiculous fires. Sounds as if he's making quite a fool of himself and those who know you will see it all as just that.
Get out those ear plugs and do what you can to cut off his contact with you. If that means setting more firm boundaries with his family to limit contact, than you may have to.
I think you're on the right path and doing quite well. You've got more strength than you know. You're just letting worry seep in. Certainly natural.
Hang in there!!
Alice
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