NeglectedWife

My husband of 3 years (been together for 8) has been an opiate addict on and off for the past 4,years. We have a 1 year old baby together and since I became pregnant he has been consistently using. He has been to a local detox program twice both times staying for only 5 days because unfortunately that is all our insurance would cover. He has not used in 4 days he says he is truly done this time* (yea sure whatever that means)
I am in a terrible situation I stay home with the baby. He is a "functioning" addict he still goes to to work (sometimes) or works from home. We have not lost our living situation we still have food in our mouths we still get by. We definitely lost many many things to his addiction but we have managed to still survive. In his line of work "popping pills" is not seen as a problem.
The past three months have been hell. He got out of detox in Jan and started using a few days later. He has been to NA meetings but never sticks with it. His father is a recovery addict who has been sober 4 years.
We don't have that "connection" anymore. We don't even sleep in the same bed. He would rather me leave him alone. He can sit on the couch all day if he's not working. I feel so NEGLECTED and hurt. I think about leaving him on a daily basis. In my head I know having him sober is better than him on the opiates but when he uses he is nice to me and since he went to detox he's miserable. We fight constantly.
If u are still reading thank you so much.
I just need advice/words of wisdom/help anything to keep me sane at this point.

smacked

What do you think would be the best thing in the universe for that baby? That's never a wrong decision.

NeglectedWife

Honestly it may be difficult to believe but he is actually a wonderful and loving father. Our son adores him and not having his father in his everyday life would be torturous. He is the kind of drug addict that is really nice funny helpful when he is high. But when he is coming down or going through withdrawals he's miserable you know doesn't feel good the whole depression thing. But despite all that he still cares/loves his son and I would never want to leave him based on that.

kiki5711

well, since he's so much fun and helpfull when he's using maybe he should stay that way for the rest of his life. however long that will be.

hello-kitty

You can always suggest he do some recovery work - like attend NA or AA, get a sponsor, work the steps.

But seriously, if he's nice funny and helpful when he's high, then why is him getting high a problem for you? Maybe just give him more money for drugs so he doesn't have to come down as often. Or leave the house when he's not using.

He's an adult making big boy choices. He gets to choose whether or not to use drugs. And you get to choose whether or not you put up with it.

smacked

Bears repeating 100 times.

NeglectedWife

Wow that was harsh...

NeglectedWife

Well I don't want him to die. I think everyone is taking "fun" and "helpful" out of context. It's a roller coaster here in my home. Up two to three days a week and down the rest. I was looking for positive advice from people who were possibly going through or have been through the same thing not to be told to give him money for drugs or leave the house.
Yes he is an adult but I understand what he is going through I know it must be crazy difficult for him to stop. Especially since he has been on and off for years. I want to be supportive but not an enabled. Maybe I asked this on the wrong forum.

Scoots826

I understand exactly what Neglected Wife is saying about being able to get along better when he's using. She's just caught in that cycle where they've already been addicted and when they're not using they're withdrawing or craving and just plain out miserable. It's not that she wants him like that---she's just had enough of the drama and fighting with his probably nastiness while not using and so when they do get a fix, they're easier to get along with at the moment. It's just a bad cycle.

I also understand her dilemma about their child. Children need their fathers in most cases. Mine walked out of my sons' lives mostly. Missed many times picking them up - a no show - or just didn't bother. When he did bother I had to be concerned about how much booze he'd been drinking b/c he's not nice when he's drunk, etc. Then they started to be around him more when they were teens & I've recently found out he introduced my one son to a percocet. The other son?...well he was introduced to oxycontin by my live-in fiancee when they started working together. I took it for granted that my sons would never touch that stuff when they saw how bad their almost stepfather was with his oxy addiction. Sadly, they hid it but they've been doing stuff for a few years & it finally came to a head recently.

So....if I could turn back time, I would certainly do some things much different. I would never have this ex-fiance-almost stepfather around my kids. (But they hide it soooo well, I didn't even know what was wrong for quite awhile after he became addicted). My kids hid it well mostly because they had moved out around 18 or 19 yrs old & were able to hide it when they did visit. Even my ex-fiancee's boss & my son's boss were doing oxys. I would never, ever take it for granted that because they see the craziness in a user that they wouldn't use them themselves someday. So I would have to say you may want to really re-think having your husband around your son until sometime in the future that he gets clean - if ever.

NeglectedWife

I completely agree as previously mentioned his father is a "recovered" addict so I do know the cycle must stop here with my husband or else the inevitable will be my son. I know my son is affected despite only being 1.
Those are my breaking points (he gets busted, he OD's, he looses his job). If they were to happen I know I would have no other choice but to leave and not look back.
Not sure if you read my entire post but he hasn't used in 4 days seems very short but for me it's kind of a big step in the positive direction. I know I have told myself before that if he goes back to using I have no other choice but to leave but this time I think I am strong enough to actually o through with it. Someone said above that he doesn't love his son enough to stop using but I read in an AA book that an addict cannot change for anyone but themselves so I don't look at the situation like that.
I thought the advice I would get here would be positive and understanding that this is a disease. A drug counselor once told me if your husband had cancer would you just sit back and let him die and that I should view his addiction as such a disease.

smacked

Bingo. And your choices are keeping him in this situation.

No breaking point about raising your son with an active dope addict?

I hope you are. You're right, he has to pursue recovery for him. He may succeed, he may fail. Whether or not that's something you're willing to expose your child to, is up to you, unless it becomes a safety or neglect situation.

Positive? It's not a positive situation. You're not going to get a bunch of unicorns and rainbows about things like this. It's a horrible situation. For you, mostly for your son. Understanding? Yes, absolutely. We do get it.. and we've been there.

As usual, I'm entirely too triggered by another "I'm going to raise my child with an active drug addict" thread, and I'll move on from this post entirely. I wish you the best, and I wish safety for your son.

hello-kitty

Of course not. But you can't prevent it. You are not that powerful. I think the first step in recovery from SOMEONE ELSES ADDICTION is to give up the illusion of control. The illusion that anything you do or don't do will help him cure his addiction. Unfortunately, it can't be done.

In the meantime I hope you are putting money away and you have a plan for your future, especially if you are going to wait until he ODs, gets busted or ends up in jail before you make changes in your life. Cuz that's when things get really hard. It's good to be prepared.

Addiction isn't cancer. It's a mental illness - a mental dis-ease. And it takes mental work to get better. You don't just go through chemo, give them radiation and cure someone's addiction. It takes continuous effort and hard work to get off drugs and stay off drugs. Addiction is a disease of poor choices and addicts are not helpless when it comes to recovery. They are helpless to control themselves on drugs. When things get bad enough, addicts can choose recovery. People who are dying from cancer don't get a choice.

No matter what choices your husband makes, you can protect yourself from his addiction. Have you considered al-anon? There is also a great book out there - Co-Dependent No More. you can pick up a copy at the bookstore or your local library. It will help you learn the difference between "enabling" and "supporting" an addict. Then you can decide for yourself if you are doing all you can to care for yourself and prevent the cycle of addiction from affecting your child.

Four days clean can be a huge accomplishment... or it can be just long enough for the hangover to wear off so an addict feels good enough to go back out and score. That's why addicts can only stay clean one day at a time. We have to live in the present because we can't promise what tomorrow will bring.

You get to decide your future and the future for your child. You are in control of yourself only. Not your husband.

hello-kitty

By the way Neglected Wife, welcome! Let me introduce myself, I'm a recovering addict with 5 years clean AND a recovering, struggling (at times) codependent. I have a 5 year old little boy whos father is addicted to drugs. We haven't heard from him in over a year now. It's heartbreaking but it's for the best. I had to draw firm boundaries in my life about the kind of behavior I would accept in my life to protect my son from his unreliable, drug addicted father. It wasn't easy. But it's been worth it.

The people on this site definitely can identify with where you are coming from in all this. Most, if not all, have been through nearly identicle, horrifying situations. We don't mince words around here but we definitely understand.

I hope you will read around the site and learn all you can about addiction, codependency and recovery. A great place to start are the "sticky" posts at the top of the forum. The more you know, the more able you are to make wise choices regarding your future.

Stick around! And read read read!

NeglectedWife

Thanks Hello_Kitty I really appreciate the welcome.

Many have suggested al-anon. I just not know if I am comfortable sharing my story in meetings in person. I will definitely look into that book you suggested. Posting here was a big step for me.

Obviously I want all the advice and information I can obtain so I appreciate it all good or bad. I do intend to stay POSITIVE and have continued FAITH my AH will beat this illness and turn things around. But until recently I have come to realize that I must think REALISTICALLY and there may be a chance that will not happen.

NeglectedWife

I never expected "unicorns and rainbows" from the people on this forum. I simply anticipated helpful and maybe I am naive but I really do want positive advice. I understand it's a terrible situation the tears I shed every single night is my proof enough.

My son is plenty safe I have never used drugs nor do I ever intend to. Obviously I do not want to raise my child with an active drug addict otherwise I would turn the other cheek and allow this chaotic mess to continue in my household.

My AH has only ben using for 4 years and I know this because we have ben together for 8 and I can even remember the very first time he tried a "blue guy" which eventually got him hooked. He wasn't a consistent user up until I became pregnant which was less than 2 years ago. Before that he would just use on the weekends when he would "party" with friends. Either way not acceptable but I am just trying to let you into my life here.

I know HE is in control of HIM and at the end of the day there really isn't much I can do to get him clean and more importantly stay that way. But it's difficult to accept that when you love someone so much.

keepinon

Thank you for this..put so elequently..I hate the cancer comparison.There is a treatment for addiction..complete and total abstinence..best coupled with a whole lot of 12 step if you ask me..that cancer deal that the counselor said is REDONKULOUS..sounds like a guilt trip to me.
People may sound harsh..but what it is , is years of experience..this disease has a VERY predictable progression if left untreated..sadly, rocking a little kids world is one of those consequences...
I also would urge Alanon..you do not need to share, you can listen and learn.I did.

Wife2anaddict

Hi Neglected Wife. I'm a newbie too! My AH is in rehab, but your situation sounds familiar. We also have a mortgage payment, jobs, food, clothes, SUV's and are an otherwise regular, suburban family w/ 2 little kids. This doesn't make our AH's too far gone. It's all about how much YOU are willing to allow/accept in your life. Addiction is a progressive disease, meaning, it gets worse. I handed my AH divorce papers during this last relapse (just a week ago!) and he, without prompting or assistance or nagging by me, checked himself into rehab that day. I was tired of the 6 days clean, 10 days clean, etc. It's been a roller coaster of relapses since December 2010. So, it was getting out of control, and the job loss, home loss was probably coming sometime soon. I was completely prepared and ready to throw in the towel. I still might. I'm trying hard to just enjoy the kids, take them to the park, out for pizza, get my hair foiled, whatever simple pleasures there are. It seems to be working out quite well. I haven't been to wachovia.com or AT&T.com accept to pay the bills. That's amazing!
Just wanted to say that the first day I came onto soberrecovery, I downloaded Codependent no more, and I couldn't put it down. It was page after page of revelations of my life in general, and in our relationship. I highly recommend it. If you have a blackberry, android, iphone, whatever, you can get in through the kindle app right now!!!! Hang in there girl!

newnormal4me

Hi NW, I am person that is working her way out of the shoes you are currently in. I know how hard it is. My AH started using about 6/7 years ago. What started casual, and I had NO idea became a habit, then became an addiction, and now has taken him over.

A few things are sticking out to me. You say he has only been using for 4 years. 4 years is plenty long to have a horrible addiction. I remember in the very early days after discovering my AH had an issue, I used to talk myself out of how bad it really was. My counselor at the time tried to convince me in a loving way that it was probably much, much worse than I was believing. She tried to get me to do many things that looking back now, I so wish I would have done. But I was not ready to accept it. She was right! My husband was an adict within a year or so of the casual use. And it has been nothing but downhill ever since.

I wish I could give you positives. But I truly don't have much in that dept. My husband's addiction has actually destroyed me. It has destroyed our family. And now I am left holding the bags of our life trying to pick up and move on. We are legally separated now. I never imagined leaving him! But he got so bad, I got to the point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Something had to change, and it wasn't going to be him anytime soon.

As a loving spouse of an addict, we actually get sick too! The only way to start getting better is first of all to realize that you have a problem too. You must expose yourself to reading, meetings, etc. to learn what is it that we do that doesn't help. How are we enabling them to continue in this, etc., etc. Once you start reading more, meeting others, little lightbulbs will start going on and you will start coming out of denial yourself. Some of the things you are saying are things I have said. I justified staying with my AH cause he loved his kids desperately and they loved him. I hated the thought of breaking up our family! I thought it would scar my kids to break apart. But actually, my kids are calmer. Yes, they miss their daddy lots, but they don't miss all that fighting (which you mentioned is happening in your house!), they don't miss all the tension, they don't miss the lack of connection (and believe me they see this and it affects them - knowing my AH and I were at odds, even when we were not fighting perse, stressed my son out to the max). My kids are 8 and 6 now...my daughter was a baby when I found out about my AH's "issue", my son 2!!! We have been mostly apart for the past year, so do the math and you can see that you are not alone in not wanting to make these tough decisions.

I'm not telling you what to do, just sharing what I did. Your husband has given it 4 days. For everyone's sake, hopefully it will be the big start he needs...sounds like he has been in rehab before, etc. Maybe he is sick and tired of it.

One thing I would suggest is to accept that if he is in recovery, it will not be pretty with him. Probably for a long while. He will have to deal with the mood swings, and if you are with him you will have to too! It is part of the whole process.

****{HUGS}}} to you. I pray you are able to get some peace in your life...and your baby too.

newnormal4me

I agree about codependent no more! It has been priceless for me.

atalose

Welcome NeglectedWife,
Usually when we reach out to a site like this or find the courage to get our butts to al-anon, we are at the end of our rope. We’re exhausted, our brains are in over drive and our lives seem very unmanageable.

I hope you stick around, read other posts, read the stickies and most of all re-read, then re-read again over and over any post that made you feel angry and defensive……………Usually the ones that touch a nerve end up being the beacons leading us to look deep inside of ourselves where we discover our fears. And like I said, if you stick around long enough………..you’ll work through them and discover a life you never imagined you could have.

((hugs))